Lizziesd

I dated this navy guy for 9 mos. He never admitted to being an alcoholic, but I look back and realize that he always drank heavily. It got worse when he went to Bahrain on deployment, he would tell me he got wasted and passed out on the stairs. This was happening almost daily. He broke off our relationship last week because as he puts it, instead of growing closer to me, he has grown apart. I am so confused because I thought I new this person and I guess he had two sides, the sober one and the drunk one. The drunk one told me he loved me and wanted to be exclusive with me and made plans for our future and promised to come back to me after his deploymenrt is over with. The sober one broke up with me on an email and never bothering repliying to my email to him. He was distant and loving. He was a happy drunk and he was functional, so I didnt think he was an alkie. I been reading the blogs and the signs were there, selfish, procrastiantor, late, couldnt get things done because he was drunk. In spite of it all, I am broken hearted. I feel that I had a relationship with two different people and I didnt know him at all. I keep hopeing that maybe one of these days, I will hear from him and I will get the closure I deserve. Maybe he doesnt remember us having video cam conversations because he was wasted most of the time and therefore, he doesnt rememeber us bonding. I dont know what to think.

Barbara52

I'm sorry you are in pain. But that pain will ease with time. Let yourself mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you had and recogonize that you had a dream, not reality.

hbb

Hi Liz and welcome to SR. Your story is similar to mine, it was like i was dating 2 people (actually 3!), drunk, sober and dry (after he quit). We were together 9 months, he promised me the world! We had good times, he was loving, caring BUT also was depressed, procrastinated, financially ruined, stand offish and so on. I know it hurts alot, i was crushed, i had these hopes and dreams for how my life would be now that he had quit. Not the case, his best friend told me something that has stuck with me. He told me be glad it was only 9 months because he feeds on drama and you deserve better than him.....I know it doesn't take the pain but dealing with an A is probably the hardest thing i have EVER experienced.

I'm still learning and reading as much as i can and the pain still comes and goes as he lives close by but i know someday i will look back and thank him for giving me a second chance at a great life. I tell myself it's better to find out now at a year together than down the road with a marriage, children and a mortgage. Getting there is the hard part! Hugs to you.

dolphingal1971

Tell me what is like to date an alcoholic
Pure Hell

Startingover2

Well put!

Be thankful he broke up with you! I think he did you a favor in the long run.

rivka

My relationship with my A (xabf) lasted about 6 months.
the first month was great.
it went downhill from there.
He didn't remember telling me he loved me.
He didn't remember being intimate with me on our special weekend (i found this out when i was talking about it one day, and he looked like he was a stranger that I was telling this to).
He DENIED a bunch of things he had told me previously.
He lied about the most simple, ridiculous stuff that I was easily able to refute.
He "forgot" to pay me back borrowed money, return CDs, keep lunch dates, honor schedules.
He misplaced things all the time, broke things, spilled things.
He got cranky and said mean things....rarely apologized, but made me feel as though I antagonized him into it.
He whined and complained to me about how his "occasional drinking" was caused by his mom's lack of love...his exGF leaving him...his dog dying...and even once accused me of saying even I was against him." You name it he had an excuse.


AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE INCIDENTS TOOK PLACE WHEN I "THOUGHT" HE WAS SOBER.....
he wasn't slurring or walking funny, or drooling....he was as "clean/sober looking" as any real clean/sober person.

THAT is one of the scariest things...because the only 2 times in 6 months that I saw him "impaired", he said he was sick, which I found out later was detoxing from a crazy weekend of binging.

Everyone here has been telling me, for the last couple of months to "move on"...well, you know it's simple for your head to get that, but it takes your heart a while to catch up, to "admit" it's the right thing to do.

Like an addict, you will hit your "rock bottom" with him, and know when is the right time to move on.

No one here will fault you for delaying this, or be less supportive if you don't sever the ties today. We just all have either been thru it, or are going thru it now, and want to help minimize your pain in the long run.

Keep posting and we'll keep the hugs coming.

Good luck.

rivka

BohemiMamaof3

Honestly, and not to make light of your genuine affectionate feelings and pain- better that you know now and can cut your losses and move on! Consider it a painful but relatively brief learning expirence.

Lizziesd

I really appreciate your replies. They are very helpful to me because I am just now starting to understand what an alcoholic is. I figured I can tell when someone is drunk, but he is highly functioning and I didnt always know he was drunk. I read your posts and it triggers memories. Yes, indeed...I remember him misplacing things and being mad about it. He said he drank because he has to take care of his mom and sister and because his dad died. I remember the crankiness the next day when he was sobering up and he would drink again to kill the hangover...he would say. I remember having conversations with him and him not recalling them them or denying that he said those things. It does indeed feel like I was dating two different people and although it hurts and I am broken hearted, after reading the posts and realizing that it could be worse and I could have ended up marrying him and having kids......I understand it's for the best. Thanks!

GiveLove

Be gentle with yourself, lizzie. Just because it's best doesn't mean it doesn't hurt for a while...

The absolute best gift you can give yourself is to use this experience to fine-tune your "relationship picker" so you don't end up in a similar situation next time.

Hugs and good luck

Lizziesd

Am I being unrealistic to expect closure from him? To expect that after 9 months he can either call me or face me, so I can have closure and my questions answered? Maybe it's no realistic, he is an alkie and he is being selfish, so why would he be thinking that I deserve closure.

hbb

When i stopped expecting closure from my exabf (which was hard and sometimes i still float back there) i was much happier. I was FINALLY able to forgive him ONLY for MYSELF in my own mind and able to move on and realize that I won't get closure from him. I won't forget his actions nor will he ever know that i forgave. It's only for ME and MY peace of mind to be able to move on with my life.

I do understand wanting to ask questions as to what happened, I did get that chance but it was in the form of screaming, unfortunately. And i thought that would be enough closure but it wasn't, i'm not sure there is ever an easy ending or a thing as true closure.

Are you still in contact with him?

LosingmyMisery

Unfortunately, you've got it. Keep moving forward. You deserve better.

atalose

Lizziesd,

Are the questions you want answered something like this?

Did he care/love you?
Did you do something wrong?
Etc. Etc.

Lizziesd

No, I am not in contact with him. He broke up in an email. I responded to that email because I wanted to understand how someone that claimed to love me and miss me can grow distant with me to the point the doesnt want to continue our relationship. He never replied and I havent contacted him because the ball is in his court.

Barbara52

He's not likely to pick up that ball and give you back anything that will help you going forward. Unfortunately, alcoholics just don't give us what we want or need.

prodigal

I believe this is still posted in the reading area above our forum, but in answer to your question, I think this may dispel some of your confusion as to his rotten break-up behavior.

My name is Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannnot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Lizziesd

I wanted to drop a note to say thank you to all of you word your advice and words of encouragement. They really made a difference in my healing process. I can't say thank you enough. I am doing so much better. I hope that I don't relapse, but I am feeling strong and determined to move on and not look back. I am meditating and I am going to therapy. I realize now that the break up was for the best and I am better off without him and all the drama that accompanied him. I am free to be myself and do things that I want to do. I am free to let love and a healthy relationship into my life and if that doesnt happen, I am working with the therapist on being OK with being on my own.

Live

And, just a warning, sometimes alcoholics can be hard to be rid of, if he does contact you....ignore it, delete it....you know what I mean....but don't respond. He would be checking to see if he could still use you.

Mair

Oh yes liveweyerd, your so right, i can go for months without any contact then BANG, he rings or texts, i am on alert all the time.


Lizzie i know this is not what you want to hear right now but he has saved you a whole heap of greif with that email. You deserve so much more, we all do.

Mair xxxxx

FormerDoormat

Dating an alcoholic is hell. He gave you a gift when he ended the relationship. Closure for me came when I stopped pining away for a man who didn't really love me and I ended all contact with him. Who cares why he ended the relationship. Alcoholics have difficulty thinking straight because they're always under the influence of alcohol. This means that whatever reason he would give you, wouldn't make a lick of sense to you anyway.

Let him be. Life with an active alcoholic is hell. Ending the relationship is a good thing.