omg.......
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
omg.......
To give a lil background, my RAH and I still have issues, even after 19 months sobriety. We have been married 16 yrs and have 3 sons.
I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now and am on antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds. RAH was referred by my therapist to another who is also a RA, and he has been seeing him for 6 wks or so. A yr ago, he tried a few different antidepressants, but didnt like taking any so quit.
Last wk, at my therapists encouragement, I had an appt with RAH's therapist. I knew that my husband would not be forthcoming with the biggest issue in our marriage -sexual. He can be demanding and vulgar, etc.
This Friday, we have an appt together with his therapist to discuss the issues (the therapist thinks he may have a sex addiction).
Anyway, Monday night, RAH took our middle son (and our 7 yr old) to his football practice. I was with our 15 yr old at his practice. On my way home, I got a call from a coach saying RAH FORGOT our 7 yr old at the field and a friend was bringing him home. Apparently, he didnt realize he was missing until our 12 yr old told him as he was getting in the shower!!!
I was upset and let him know when I got home. Then RAH blurts out how his 18 yr old nephew wants to try living with us and promises to be good and go back to school and not drink and how he told him he needed to talk with me. This is the kid that RAH had planned on staying with us about 4 months ago without my knowledge. The kid shows up one day and that very night (3am) I catch him wasted on the corner of our property with one of my 15 yr olds friends! The kids parents are in denial. He quit school in 10th grade, has a tattoo on his hand, doesnt work, and alternates living with his parents and his grandparents up north. So, I was really upset now. We dont need anything extra on our plates right now!!! DUH! He said the kid deserves a second chance. Well thats fine but not by putting our children at risk.
The next day, I received a voice mail from his therapist saying that RAH called him because he was concerned with my mental state. WTF?
I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now and am on antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds. RAH was referred by my therapist to another who is also a RA, and he has been seeing him for 6 wks or so. A yr ago, he tried a few different antidepressants, but didnt like taking any so quit.
Last wk, at my therapists encouragement, I had an appt with RAH's therapist. I knew that my husband would not be forthcoming with the biggest issue in our marriage -sexual. He can be demanding and vulgar, etc.
This Friday, we have an appt together with his therapist to discuss the issues (the therapist thinks he may have a sex addiction).
Anyway, Monday night, RAH took our middle son (and our 7 yr old) to his football practice. I was with our 15 yr old at his practice. On my way home, I got a call from a coach saying RAH FORGOT our 7 yr old at the field and a friend was bringing him home. Apparently, he didnt realize he was missing until our 12 yr old told him as he was getting in the shower!!!
I was upset and let him know when I got home. Then RAH blurts out how his 18 yr old nephew wants to try living with us and promises to be good and go back to school and not drink and how he told him he needed to talk with me. This is the kid that RAH had planned on staying with us about 4 months ago without my knowledge. The kid shows up one day and that very night (3am) I catch him wasted on the corner of our property with one of my 15 yr olds friends! The kids parents are in denial. He quit school in 10th grade, has a tattoo on his hand, doesnt work, and alternates living with his parents and his grandparents up north. So, I was really upset now. We dont need anything extra on our plates right now!!! DUH! He said the kid deserves a second chance. Well thats fine but not by putting our children at risk.
The next day, I received a voice mail from his therapist saying that RAH called him because he was concerned with my mental state. WTF?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
An A will try ANYTHING to avoid dealing with their issues, including trying to make you and anyone else who will listen think YOU are crazy. I decided that no marriage was worth staying in if I couldn't do it without medication.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Amazing what garbage can come out of their mouths, ain't it? Let it go.
I agree with you on not letting the kid move in. It does sound like it would be asking for more complications you jsut don't nee in your life.
I agree with you on not letting the kid move in. It does sound like it would be asking for more complications you jsut don't nee in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
I agree that it doesn't sound like you need another child in the home.
I will keep you in my thoughts. My AH tends to tell me I over react or am somehow out of line anytime I have trouble dealing with some of the behaviors.
I am just happy to feel my feelings and move on.
This recovery thing is on going... I have 10 years in alanon he has 4 in aa... but sometimes its a real struggle.
I will keep you in my thoughts. My AH tends to tell me I over react or am somehow out of line anytime I have trouble dealing with some of the behaviors.
I am just happy to feel my feelings and move on.
This recovery thing is on going... I have 10 years in alanon he has 4 in aa... but sometimes its a real struggle.
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
So we had the session together yesterday... Didnt go over as much as I wanted, ie the sex issues. Now we have another week to get thru and hopefully we will get to it then.
What kinda stunned me is when the counselor said that for my own self, I need to forgive RAH for the past and only then can reconciliation begin... IF I want it. I really thought that I had forgiven many things in the past, but it's the present that brings back the hurt of the past. His occasional reckless and dangerous driving when angry, reminds me of when he would drive drunk with our kids even after my pleading for him not to, and also when he was "sober" but didnt get his way and drove us around like that. Sex was often demanded, coerced, whatever and was repulsive to me. Now its the same, just without the alcohol. His angry outbursts at me and our oldest have lessened to a degree but are still there, especially if he doesnt get what he wants.
When you forgive, does it take the pain away? I didnt think so...but maybe I just havent forgiven???
I think RAH understands that I do not want his nephew staying with us and if he pulls another sneaky one, Im gone.
As far as the switching of counselors, the two are kinda working together. I started with mine who referred my RAH to his. It was my psychiatrists idea for us to see his together. Mine said he couldnt help me with the issues any further, I think because most start with RAH. They have spoken with each other about us at least once. I do agree therapy is personal, something my RAH doesnt get. After each session, he wants to know what happened. I tell him its personal and he gets offended and upset. He says things like I can tell you everything that happened in my session, I have nothing to hide! He also comes home energized and bouncy. I dont understand this, as therapy is very draining and emotional to me. Maybe he isnt really letting his true emotions out???
What kinda stunned me is when the counselor said that for my own self, I need to forgive RAH for the past and only then can reconciliation begin... IF I want it. I really thought that I had forgiven many things in the past, but it's the present that brings back the hurt of the past. His occasional reckless and dangerous driving when angry, reminds me of when he would drive drunk with our kids even after my pleading for him not to, and also when he was "sober" but didnt get his way and drove us around like that. Sex was often demanded, coerced, whatever and was repulsive to me. Now its the same, just without the alcohol. His angry outbursts at me and our oldest have lessened to a degree but are still there, especially if he doesnt get what he wants.
When you forgive, does it take the pain away? I didnt think so...but maybe I just havent forgiven???
I think RAH understands that I do not want his nephew staying with us and if he pulls another sneaky one, Im gone.
As far as the switching of counselors, the two are kinda working together. I started with mine who referred my RAH to his. It was my psychiatrists idea for us to see his together. Mine said he couldnt help me with the issues any further, I think because most start with RAH. They have spoken with each other about us at least once. I do agree therapy is personal, something my RAH doesnt get. After each session, he wants to know what happened. I tell him its personal and he gets offended and upset. He says things like I can tell you everything that happened in my session, I have nothing to hide! He also comes home energized and bouncy. I dont understand this, as therapy is very draining and emotional to me. Maybe he isnt really letting his true emotions out???
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
im sorry your going through this. I am in counceling and my husband and i went to joint two times but he wasn't willing to give an inch on the real issues. It went from his drinking and gambleing to he feels I don't love him because I turned him down for sex sometimes and that is his way of showing love. so i put my best foot forward and had sex with him even when I didnt realy want to because I thought it would help. HAAAA what a joke that was. He still did what he wanted (drink and gamble)
More recently it all came to a head and I let him know if he did not stop drinking and gambleing and go to AA then I wanted a divorce. Beleive it or not... he was shocked. He has gone to a couple meetings and has not drank or gambled in a month now.
The old behaviors of raging over nothing or taking what I say the wrong way or trying to controle me are still there but the way I have learned to deal with it is by detaching. I have forgiven a lot of stuf but not all. The old stuff is old and he has this clean slate and it's up to him what he does with it. Now when he tries to controle me. I think about how I feel about it, do what I feel is the correct thing and move on. If I ponder on it, it only grows into a monstras thing.
Try to work on learning how to detach. It is a big step and once you have that one figured out and in use..... things will improve for you. Focus on your feelings and your reaction and let him feel his own stuff. Im not saying you shouldnt get mad because I would have been livid over the stuff you were talking about and boy would I let him know it, but then I would move on to the next thing.
Hugs
D
More recently it all came to a head and I let him know if he did not stop drinking and gambleing and go to AA then I wanted a divorce. Beleive it or not... he was shocked. He has gone to a couple meetings and has not drank or gambled in a month now.
The old behaviors of raging over nothing or taking what I say the wrong way or trying to controle me are still there but the way I have learned to deal with it is by detaching. I have forgiven a lot of stuf but not all. The old stuff is old and he has this clean slate and it's up to him what he does with it. Now when he tries to controle me. I think about how I feel about it, do what I feel is the correct thing and move on. If I ponder on it, it only grows into a monstras thing.
Try to work on learning how to detach. It is a big step and once you have that one figured out and in use..... things will improve for you. Focus on your feelings and your reaction and let him feel his own stuff. Im not saying you shouldnt get mad because I would have been livid over the stuff you were talking about and boy would I let him know it, but then I would move on to the next thing.
Hugs
D
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