Abundance

I was damned if I did or damned if I didn't with doing this. I've learned that by telling him goodbye to just quickly relieve myself of the pain that addiction brings me and then taking him back to rid the pain that I feel of losing him....... just hurts him and prolongs having MORE pain in the future for me! It enables him to still use! Because he never truly gets to suffer the consequence or at least my consequence. And so he would work himself back into me and tell me he is clean and we would have so many honeymoon periods.

I heard that he was back in the mountains attending AA meetings and going to a sober back packing bbq. If he is that's great...... but why then couldn't he do it with me? He is choosing his vagabond lifestyle while in recovery then? Man.... I had NO chance did I?

But you see.. it's really not about that.... I can't be making myself crazy about what it is that I think he is doing..... I cut the ties..... I de-tached, but only physically.

I have got to stop thinking about what he is thinking.....feeling.... doing...... it's like I'm starting to obsess. Please send me some strong vibes in not doing that. It does NO good... there is no reward in doing that. So just don't do it..... right?! RIGHT!!!!!

What is my advice to everyone who has gone or is going through this...... KEEP BUSY! Maybe I should also go back over my threads on how I did it back in December.... grant it though.... the longest we ever truly went with no-contact was 6 days! Those 6 days for me was like earning a gold medal!

What is different today than back then though, is that I KNOW I can not LIVE with addiction. We were great in recovery..... although he told me before he left, that only I was..... he really wasn't. He was battling. :::sigh::: Did I just not notice this.... or did I ignore it ... pretend that was not the case?

Stay in TODAY..... there is no point in thinking about yesterday. THAT is what I need to do. I need to push this all aside and be good to myself TODAY and be kind to myself.

exhale.......

MrsMagoo

Oh honey - I'm so sorry. I've missed something because the last thread I saw from you was that AH was coming home from treatment and you were SO excited (and optimistic).

Abundance

Anvil........ CHECK!!!!

I'm starting to let my family know... they are being incredibly supportive.

I FINALLY told my parents last night about all of this. Maybe I'm starting to shed some of the guilt from keeping all of this a secret. We had decided that he was going to let them know in November, but that is moot now, isn't it? It makes him crazy that I have to be an open book to everyone and all around me. He calls it "airing our dirty laundry"....... well it's not "ours" anymore..... NOW.... it's juts mine! SO ..... I guess I now have what is called... the "**** its"! **** it..... I'm going to be true to myself and do what I know how to do best, and that is being authentic with everyone .... and I mean EVERYONE that I am close to in my life. Do you know how flipping hard it was for me to keep something like this such a secret? I told ONE friend here in my local social network! And he left angry with me about doing so! WOW! Well.... ya know what? I DON'T CARE that he thinks I've betrayed him! He had the audacity to tell me that I HAD BETRAYED HIM????? WOW?! NO..... I betrayed MYSELF! Well... "oh no".... (said with finger in "s" motion and head movement"....... OH HELL NO........... YOU BETRAYED ME! Yeah... it's in the name of addiction...... that you clearly do not see.... because after all - you were forced to go to rehab and get help... not doing it on your own...... fair enough..... I know you have to reach your bottom. Well..... I'm making the choice for myself to not go down with you! So..... you can say and think all you want how I have failed YOU or how I have betrayed you............but you see my love......YOU BETRAYED ME!

And so my parent's response last night, was kind and loving. They actually came from a place of.... "well can't he just stop? Maybe he'll stop and you can work it out?" :::sigh:::

I told my boys.... and I'll be honest... I'm not even ready right now to share all of that. Although, I will say they are doing better than me and they are absolutely amazing ... A M A Z I NG ...... little beings! I told them that today when we were talking about things and they told me that it's me that they learn it from. WOW! So yeah...... God bless their souls. How an 8 year old and 10 year old knows how to put light in my soul... I just do not know!

THEN.... I talked with my sis-inlaw...... who has been MORE than conscientious of all that has been going on just by her viewing from the outside, and while she had know idea about all of this.... she did. She just knew. She knew because she has been through it. Hearing her talk today of her overcoming something of the similar was empowering to me!!!! She said that she always had a soft spot for him too because she has that co-dependence thing too.. but she has spent years in working through it. WOW!

Here's another what if... that I am not allowed to think about. What if everyone did know? Maybe things would have been different? Maybe he would have even had MORE support? (Again, total circular thinking, and not even worth thinking about..... because it doesn't matter.... now !!!!!!!)

Here's the thing.... I AM an amazing woman... an amazing mother.... SOOO capable of knowing the difference between right and wrong... so blinking get on with it!!!!! Why am I afraid to show and give myself truly the self worth and respect? Actually, scratch that, I'll figure out the why later. Right now - I've just got to get over this - over him.

I envision the following: My guy and I driving down the highway.. side by side... we feel that we can go up hills and down hills and coast together, (be with one another through life... the good - the bad - the storms- the sunny days....etc) but then... he takes an exit. The exit was relapse. I, in turn, slowed down, looked around, and then he got back on and we were side by side again! But then darn it.... wouldn't you know it that he took ANOTHER exit! And now I'm slowing down... speeding up.... pulling over... getting back on the road... and pretty quickly he is back on the highway with me - side by side.

Well.. the third time he took that exit..... I put my pedal to the metal and high tailed it away from him! Now...... I'm in this coasting mode I guess, I dunno, but I'm alone.. I don't have him next to me. And he is somewhere "out there".... and what I have got to do is this:
Get my maps out... make a new itinerary for myself of what and where and with whom I am going to move forward! I have all this open road in front of me...........

It's NOT about him...... it is about ME!!!!!

Magoo..... yeah.... I was very hopeful and I was VERY excited. Being with my guy in complete authenticity is UNREAL! HA..... interesting word to describe it eh? It really is UN-REAL!

lightseeker

Abundance - so true! It is a truly "unreal" relationship. One thing that I have learned from the addicts in my life....if I had stayed in the relationship with them they would not have gotten or stayed sober. Two of my ex's are in recovery and I am deeply sorrowful that recovery and sobriety were only possible after I shut the door on the relationships. There really wasn't any going back to either of them because our dynamics just don't "jive". My now husband wasn't able to get sober with his ex in the picture. There just gets to be too much water under the bridge and all those relapses change everything. The aspect that I can give you is that addiction has changed who he is - and he will never be who he was any more than you can be who you were without this experience. Think how much you have grown and changed since having to confront the whole thing. One thought that comforts me is that this physical life is actually a very short one......we might feel separated from those that we love but it really is going to only be for a brief time. I had to decide just how close to stand to the fire.

My two boys have had to watch me deal with a non-using addict who I believed that I had an "unreal" relationship with - from my point of view, you are saving all of you from a lot of anguish and pain. There are good moments but they have not ever outweighed what going through this has done. I'm glad that you are seeing the light and doing what is best for you and your children! In time, you will look back and be so grateful for the path that you have chosen. In a different world where addiction doesn't exist maybe things would be different - but we're not in that different world. It is what it is.

I know that this is hard but you have alot of support behind you - here and in your family and community.

Jody Hepler

When I get scared - mostly because of fear of the future - the what ifs - I look down at my feet, and that's where my head should be.

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why the call it the "present".

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Abundance

Donna.... thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words are always so good to me.

JODY.... present.... absolutely!

SO..... I'm going to put this down... take my boys on a bike ride... we have all been invited out for dinner tonight. And I'm just moving...... moving along.... and when that little blurp or bleep or what have you comes up into my mind.... I'm just going to put it away. It's UN-NECESSARY! It is not going to do anything. It does me no good to analyze this and to obsess on it ... and all that stuff. I ASKED for serenity..... so I'm going to find it come hell or high water.

It seems there are a few of us that are detaching right now on here..... what in the heck is going on here? Or is it because I am relating to it more and "seeing" it more so because I'm in the thick of it? Either way, whatever it means.... there is power in numbers. And we are all going to get one another through this!!!!!!! NO DOUBT!

I've got some really good things to look forward to (sorry, not wanting to take myself out of the present - but i'm looking forward to it!)... I have a bunch of DMB shows coming up here in the next couple of weekends.... I have my aunt coming out to visit from the UK and then next my cousin visiting from there! I have financial issues I NEED to be dealing with! I have school starting next week for the boys! Getting one signed up for guitar and another into a basketball program........ I have HOT YOGA to do..... and after 30 days as a reward of doing it I am going to treat myself to a massage..... so..... help me think of all these wonderful things I have to look forward to! I need to stay in the LIGHT!!!!!

Peace xoxoxo

Callie

ABS - so glad you're on a path. Keep the upward momentum going and it will only get better. You should be proud of how far you've coming. Don't let anything stand in your way. I look forward to that peace someday.