question about separating

Old 08-13-2008, 11:22 AM
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question about separating

My husband is a stage one alcoholic (complete denial). I've met with a lawyer and am in the process of documenting my husband's behavior and getting my affairs ready to file. AH is still in the home, though we sleep in separate rooms - which is great for detachment, btw. He knows none of this. He only knows I'm unhappy and have said if he doesn't change his ways I'm gone. I clearly went through a list of things to change (no drinking, no throwing things, etc.) and he quit drinking for two whole days and hasn't thrown things in weeks! Thus, I should be proud of his accomplishments - yeah, right. It's been 6 weeks and he makes sure he opens the beer in front of me... taunting me.

I can't convince him to get help, and I can't allow myself and DD to continue this way. I'm over it. I'm over him. I'm convinced we'll be happier without him than with him. I only have two cards left to play, separation and divorce. I'm going to play the separation card first because it will work in my favor come filing time. Anyway, I refuse to live like this. The only way I can quit being his enabler is to separate from him.

Of course, inside I'm hopeful that I'll kick him out, and he'll magically be healed, go into counseling, look like the Diet Coke guy, and whisk me away on a white horse into the sunset. I know that's not going to happen, but a girl's gotta have dreams right? But what's the possibility that he'll actually go to counseling? or to an AA meeting? The Alanon people here and my therapist say that A on average makes three good attempts (and hundreds of false starts) at quitting before they actually do.

I haven't asked my counselor yet, but should I expect a good attempt after separating? Cause that's going to be hard to resist.

What is your experience with separating?
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:29 AM
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When I left my now xAH, he quit drinking for about 2 months but never admitted he is an alcohoic and of course never got into any sort of recovery program. He is still deep in denial, now living out of his car.

When I left it was for me, not to try and get him to do anything. Yeas I hoped (and still hope) he reaches his bottom and gets into recovery. But my motivation for leaving was not to try and force his bottom.

Your leaving may lead your AH to recovery. It may not. There is no way of predicting.
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:01 PM
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I haven't been in your position with regards separating, but I have to say please don't build your hopes up. If you're going to leave or get him to leave do it for your own sake and to make your own life healthier and more peaceful.
Don't hope that because you leave he will suddenly change into all you want him to be, because you'll end up more disappointed. Separate for the right reasons, not for what might be.
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:17 PM
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I'm totally leaving just for mine and my daughter's sake. He's making me sick... physically. I'm depressed, anxious, worried... you name it. My DD is too, she hasn't slept in her own bed in over a month now. She sleeps with me, cries if she doesn't. My counselor just said to let her do it, she obviously needs extra attention now and if this makes her comfortable, let her do it. I don't want her to grow up in this home.

I know this sounds bad, but I kinda hope he doesn't change. I feel like if he did make changes, I'd be tempted to stay... see how things worked out... oh he fell off the wagon... I'm afraid I'd be back where I was months ago so easily. It'll be easier if he continues to be a jerk.

I'm hopeful with some stories from the trenches, I can prepare myself.
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:34 PM
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After a year of being separated I was divorced. Not sure if that's what you wanted to hear, but I think you're doing the right thing by making you and your daughter a priority, sounds like he's not.
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted by justaboutus View Post
I know this sounds bad, but I kinda hope he doesn't change. I feel like if he did make changes, I'd be tempted to stay... see how things worked out... oh he fell off the wagon... I'm afraid I'd be back where I was months ago so easily. It'll be easier if he continues to be a jerk.
Mine got sober several months after I kicked him out. Several months after that we tried to reconcile. I learned that what he wanted from our marriage and what I wanted were too different to be compatible. I also learned that you can't predict the future. (I thought if he would only get sober, we could make our marriage work.) We are officially divorced now after a 3-year separation.

Do what is best for you right now, and deal with whatever happens when it happens.

L
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:50 PM
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I'm not so sure we're even on his radar. There was a time when I thought I'd mind being divorced, but not now. I think DD will do ok with it too (better than she's dealing with the situation now anyway). Dealing with the visitation thing is going to SUCK! I really dread that.

I just don't want to get brainwashed by empty promises again. I'm keeping a journal and have been told to read it when I think things are looking up. I did once and got furious all over again, and started interviewing lawyers.
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Old 08-13-2008, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by justaboutus View Post
But what's the possibility that he'll actually go to counseling? or to an AA meeting? The Alanon people here and my therapist say that A on average makes three good attempts (and hundreds of false starts) at quitting before they actually do.

I haven't asked my counselor yet, but should I expect a good attempt after separating? Cause that's going to be hard to resist.

What is your experience with separating?
Hi, JustAboutUs!

I'd be happy to tell you a little bit about my experience with separation.

I've been married to my husband for almost seven years. Last year, after tiring of his "attempts to moderate", and the verbal and emotional abuse that had become standard behavior for both of us, I had my fill of living with an alcoholic.

I told him to choose: his family (we have a beautiful three year-old son) or the bottle.
He choose the bottle.
I was not surprised.

My son and I stayed in a motel for several days while AH drank himself silly. He didn't eat or leave the house for 4 days.

When I came back to the house to pick up some clothes he told me that he was checking in to a 30 day inpatient treatment facility.
I was sick, too. Part of me didn't want him to get help - I just wanted him to self-destruct so that I could be done with him, so that I could know that I was right to leave.

The treatment center my husband entered offered extensive couple's and family counseling. I choose to participate in these programs, and I began to find my own recovery.

My husband completed his in-patient treatment at the end of March, but that was only the first step in his path to recovery.
Today, he lives at home with us again.
Thus far, he has been unable to maintain sobriety for much longer than 30 days.

But, I am at peace. (most of the time - I'm still working my recovery from codependence).
Alcohol has not left the picture entirely, but there is no hatred in my house.
There is no abuse.
There is love, but there is also an understanding that the future is uncertain -that our marriage may not survive this disease.

In my case, separation spurred my husband to take some action to help himself.
It did not solve all of our problems.
My life did not turn into a fairy tale.

It turns out that he was only half of our problem - I was the other half.

Best wishes to you!
-TC
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Old 08-13-2008, 01:35 PM
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[QUOTE=justaboutus;1869367] I'm going to play the separation card first because it will work in my favor come filing time. QUOTE]

Justaboutus,
I'm new here too, and wondering what advice you were given about this? I also saw an attorney who told me legal separation is 90% of the way to a divorce and not looked upon much differently by the court. Could just be a difference in where we live? Just wondering. We are in a very similar place. My AH also denies there is a problem (except for me), and that he will not consider counseling in any way, shape or form.
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Old 08-13-2008, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by justaboutus View Post

Of course, inside I'm hopeful that I'll kick him out, and he'll magically be healed, go into counseling, look like the Diet Coke guy, and whisk me away on a white horse into the sunset. I know that's not going to happen, but a girl's gotta have dreams right?
LOL

Letting go of that dream was one of the hardest things I had to do. As we seperate, my AH is becoming more and more bitter and twisted - or maybe I'm just seeing it from a different perspective now. He's going in the opposite direction to being healed.

Journalling worked wonders for me when he turned on the charm. It reminded me of all the abuse I've lived through.

I wish you well in your plans to find some peace and happiness for you and your daughter - you deserve it! :ghug3
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Old 08-13-2008, 02:10 PM
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Blessed-
I plan on this separation to be long term. If things don't go well, I expect him to drag his feet on the divorce process. Where I live, you can be divorced for abandonment after 12 months. I do plan on moving shortly after I put the house on the market, so in order to keep from being filed for abandonment, I need to file for a legal separation. It will also help me keep my finances secured (he's unemployed), so he will not be able to put me further in debt.

I'm also hopeful that he will not fight the separation, but he may fight a divorce. It's my quickest/easiest route to not living with him, basically. You're right, it's not that much different than divorce, but he doesn't know that.

bookwyrm-
You have to laugh about these things sometimes don't you? I'm actually becoming quite fond of what I'm calling my 'Plan B' - Me and DD having a peaceful happy life together. Doesn't that sound fun?
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