Where's the guilt?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 37
Where's the guilt?
Good Morning Everyone!
My big question is, where is the guilt that our alcohies should be feeling for how they treat us? Last night was a terrible night once again for me. My AH started fussing because noone had vacuumed the living room floor. Also, he was angry because I did not cook anything for him. The night before I spent an hour and a half cooking a home cooked meal (after having worked all day and an hour commute home) and didnt even get a thank you, I enjoyed, help cleaning up, NOTHING! There were left overs from the night before and he was angry that he would have to fry a little piece of ham and that I was already sitting down eating my dinner. Then he proceeds to fuss at me because the truck company called wanting a payment on HIS truck (its all in my name but its HIS truck when he's driving it, mine when he's late with payments) and I didnt answer the phone. Then he screams and curses me at the top of his lungs telling me how stupid, what a dummy I am, how sorry I am cause I didn't vacuum or tell my sons to do it. He gets in my face screaming. Then my 18 yr old son comes into the room and asks him will he please quit screaming and hollering at his mother. He completely shut up. I mean wisdom from an 18yr old to a 45 yr old grown man! Then later, while he was eating, he was screaming in my face and I told him do not get in my face. Then he cursed me, I was the worst sorriest person on earth, and he threw an entire salt shaker of salt on me. I was shocked. I walked out. I just looked at him in disbelief. Then he proceeded to tell me that when I come back the front door will be locked. Which it wasnt. I slept on the couch and at 3:30 this morning he woke me up to tell me to come in bed. I hesitated and did it anyway and told him, I definetly did not want to even be close to him because of the way he treated him. He usually wakes me up when he leaves for work and calls me on my way to work. Nothing this morning. Not even a note saying I'm sorry. Also, in his tyraid, he proceeded to tell me how bad he wanted me gone and that he wished I would have a wreck and die on the way to work this morning. i checked his truck this morning and found his cooler with only ONE beer in it. Which means most likely he bought at least a 12 pack. Yesterday I had also called him and his phone said, "The subscriber you have dialed has traveled out of range." He said he was at his parents house and noone gets a signal there. His phone NEVER says that when he's there. It always goes straight to voice mail. His phone does say they when he drives to the state line to buy beer. We live in a dry city and the state line is only about 20 minutes away. So what I want to know, where is his guilt that he should feel? Does these people have in dignity at all? I am sooooo angry and hurt all at once!!!
My big question is, where is the guilt that our alcohies should be feeling for how they treat us? Last night was a terrible night once again for me. My AH started fussing because noone had vacuumed the living room floor. Also, he was angry because I did not cook anything for him. The night before I spent an hour and a half cooking a home cooked meal (after having worked all day and an hour commute home) and didnt even get a thank you, I enjoyed, help cleaning up, NOTHING! There were left overs from the night before and he was angry that he would have to fry a little piece of ham and that I was already sitting down eating my dinner. Then he proceeds to fuss at me because the truck company called wanting a payment on HIS truck (its all in my name but its HIS truck when he's driving it, mine when he's late with payments) and I didnt answer the phone. Then he screams and curses me at the top of his lungs telling me how stupid, what a dummy I am, how sorry I am cause I didn't vacuum or tell my sons to do it. He gets in my face screaming. Then my 18 yr old son comes into the room and asks him will he please quit screaming and hollering at his mother. He completely shut up. I mean wisdom from an 18yr old to a 45 yr old grown man! Then later, while he was eating, he was screaming in my face and I told him do not get in my face. Then he cursed me, I was the worst sorriest person on earth, and he threw an entire salt shaker of salt on me. I was shocked. I walked out. I just looked at him in disbelief. Then he proceeded to tell me that when I come back the front door will be locked. Which it wasnt. I slept on the couch and at 3:30 this morning he woke me up to tell me to come in bed. I hesitated and did it anyway and told him, I definetly did not want to even be close to him because of the way he treated him. He usually wakes me up when he leaves for work and calls me on my way to work. Nothing this morning. Not even a note saying I'm sorry. Also, in his tyraid, he proceeded to tell me how bad he wanted me gone and that he wished I would have a wreck and die on the way to work this morning. i checked his truck this morning and found his cooler with only ONE beer in it. Which means most likely he bought at least a 12 pack. Yesterday I had also called him and his phone said, "The subscriber you have dialed has traveled out of range." He said he was at his parents house and noone gets a signal there. His phone NEVER says that when he's there. It always goes straight to voice mail. His phone does say they when he drives to the state line to buy beer. We live in a dry city and the state line is only about 20 minutes away. So what I want to know, where is his guilt that he should feel? Does these people have in dignity at all? I am sooooo angry and hurt all at once!!!
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
If your AH is anything like me, the shame/guilt he is feeling is almost unimaginable.
The catch is (or was), with me, is I didn't even know I was feeling shameful. I had no clue how to identify any feeling whatsoever. That of itself tends to be a roadblock to recovery.
The catch is (or was), with me, is I didn't even know I was feeling shameful. I had no clue how to identify any feeling whatsoever. That of itself tends to be a roadblock to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Alcohol numbs all senses, especially comon sense, that being said he doesn't feel that he did anythng wrong. He feels entitled to all the things that he complained about, those are his rights, he deserves them so you better deliver.
Now in the real world we all know that which he complains about are privledges that can be taken away at anytime. They are not and you are not there to please him. He has to earn them and from his behavior, he hasn't.
If it were me I would remove all the things he is talking about and tell him he has to earn them back. If he can't do that, then it is time for him to move out, at least for awhile.
Maybe setting a few boundaries that you feel you can live with will help you take care of you. That is the important part of this whole situation.
Thinking and praying for you,
Barb
Now in the real world we all know that which he complains about are privledges that can be taken away at anytime. They are not and you are not there to please him. He has to earn them and from his behavior, he hasn't.
If it were me I would remove all the things he is talking about and tell him he has to earn them back. If he can't do that, then it is time for him to move out, at least for awhile.
Maybe setting a few boundaries that you feel you can live with will help you take care of you. That is the important part of this whole situation.
Thinking and praying for you,
Barb
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I am no expert here but it seems like its sort of a vicious cycle. He probably feels no guilt when he is drinking because it numbs him. When he is sober he may feel some guilt but has to drink to numb it and it starts all over again. Make sense?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by dolphingal1971 
It would still not make it ok. I guess I want him to feel like I would if I were to treat him like that. I would be besides myself with shame.
So what do you want to do about being abused? Keep taking it or make a change to stop it?
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