Lilyflower

Hi everyone!!!

OK here's the short version of what I have become to understand.

I am having difficulties feeling. That sounds odd, but it is the best way I can describe things!

Long version...
The last week or so I have been having emotional outbursts; feeling really tearful, where practically anything can start me off, to feeling a rage build up inside my stomach over the smallest misunderstandings. In the midst of my emotional states I delve back into the old ways of taking everyone else's feelings on board as my responsibility, feeling unearned guilt, some earned guilt because I've just snapped at someone for no reason, and then just feeling completely upset with myself.

My recovery terms are not coming to mind until much later when I am calmer, and then I think things like, well at least you are aware of it, be patient with yourself, progress not perfection etc.

So I have had some time out and thought about things, and what I am learning is that I am not feeling and processing my emotions. It is almost as though I am not aware I am feeling things until I am at a state where they are just popping out of me. I talked to my recovery friend and it became apparent that I am feeling hurt and very angry. Very very angry. However, I am still directing that as HIS fault, (I know my emotions are my own)! My friend reminded me of this and asked me why I am angry at myself and I come up a blank.

So how can I get connected with my self again? How can I learn to identify feelings within me, that I am not aware of? There seems to be a link missing in the chain at the moment where I am fine, I'm fine, and then WHAM, I am not. I feel like I am missing the 'I am feeling ----' part.

I am so aware that I am not processing feelings and holding them in because I am having terrible muscle pains in my lower back and upper back around my neck and shoulders - tension. My question is how do I get this locked up feeling out of my muscles and processed when I just always feel ok?

Besides this, I feel that recovery is going well for me. I have really begun to take care of me again in all ways practical at least.

Any ideas would be appreciated, or is it just a case of being patient with myself and my recovery?

Thanks everyone
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Astro

YES!

"Hitting the wall", I heard that so many times but never understood what it meant until I came to that point myself. I kept going to AA meetings, added CoDA meetings and a little relationship therapy to my program, and eventually found myself climbing over that emotional wall.

So OK, without making this all about me and my recovery, here's a meditation that I found useful:

Thursday, January 17, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Acting As If

The behavior we call "acting as if" can be a powerful recovery tool. Acting as if is a way to practice the positive. It's a positive form of pretending. It's a tool we use to get ourselves unstuck. It's a tool we make a conscious decision to use.

Acting as if can be helpful when a feeling begins to control us. We make a conscious decision to act as if we feel fine and are going to be fine.

When a problem plagues us, acting as if can help us get unstuck. We act as if the problem will be or already is solved, so we can go on with our life.

Often, acting as if we are detached will set the stage for detachment to come in and take over.

There are many areas where acting as if - combined with our other recovery principles - will set the stage for the reality we desire. We can act as if we love ourselves, until we actually do begin to care for ourselves. We can act as if we have a right to say no, until we believe we do.

We don't pretend we have enough money to cover a check. We don't pretend an alcoholic is not drinking. We use acting as if as part of our recovery, to set the stage for our new behaviors. We force ourselves through positive recovery behaviors, disregarding our doubts and fears, until our feelings have time to catch up with reality.

Acting as if is a positive way to overcome fears, doubts, and low self-esteem. We do not have to lie; we do not have to be dishonest with ourselves. We open up to the positive possibilities of the future, instead of limiting the future by today's feelings and circumstances.

Acting as if helps us get past shaky ground and into solid territory.

God, show me the areas where acting as if could help set the stage for the reality I desire. Guide me as I use this powerful recovery tool to help create a better life and healthier relationships.




From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Lilyflower

Thank you Astro. I don't know why but I am crying now that I have read that meditation. I will print that off and use it.

Somewhere inside of me I am connecting with the thoughts in there.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

GiveLove

Hi Lily,

I know that when I had similar feelings several years ago, it helped me to sit down and make some lists. There were many things in my life that were not the way I wanted them to be -- I didn't enjoy my employment situation, my weight was not where it should be, I wasn't making enough time for the things that healed me, etc. etc. --- and quite a few things that were. Listing them, and getting as angry and fussy about them as I wanted to, helped me to identify where my anger was really coming from.

Astro's "acting as if" helped me a lot too, but in a slightly different way. I realized at one stage of my recovery that, while I really really really wanted to be a woman who was free of the stress, tension and anger of my experiences with alcoholics, when I thought about it, I had no idea what that looked or felt like.

Picturing it was a big step in my own getting-better. The conversation in my head started going like this: If I were the person I'd LIKE to be, the woman who is healed and can see all of this with strength adn with loving detachment, how would I react to this thing that's right in front of me right now? Am I a big enough person that I can stop before I say & do things that aren't in alignment with the person I want to be? Asking the question was the first step toward becoming that person finally.

Also, I found that lack of quality sleep, sunshine, proper nutrition and the wrong hormonal mixes in my bloodstream made me feel like there was something wrong with me emotionally when, frankly, there wasn't. Are you doing okay on all of those scores? Taking good care of yourself? Happy with all aspects of your life?

These are the things that helped me, anyway..........I hope you feel better soon.

Lilyflower

A thought has just occured to me. Perhaps I am not not feeling. Perhaps I am just beginning to feel the things I have not felt for a while.

When my exabf left, I stopped feeling sad, mad etc. I began feeling fine. I think now that perhaps, I just tucked my emotions away and now they are back.

That's a good thougth for me, it makes me feel better. I want to feel, i am tired of having this sore back!!!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

When I find myself feeling as you described, it usually comes from the impatient part of me. I want to be recovered NOW! I've always been the type of person who looks for the shortest path to my goal. Not a bad thing, but it can lead me to try and avoid the hard, tedious, long journey. I'm (ever so slowly) learning that I cannot rush life. It happens as it happens and nothing I can do will change that in any meaningful way. Unless I try and force things to be as I wish them to be. That can really screw things up sometimes.

What helps me is to get back to the present. I can't push past it in order to get somewhere else. I must live my life as it happens. I don't know if this makes any sense, but just taking a few deep breaths and recentering myself in the NOW helps.

L

Lilyflower

Thanks Givelove, I am feeling fine today! Emotionally anyway, I have sucessfully managed to keep myself busy at work to not feel otherwise. There in lies the problem. Apart from this really stiff aching back I am doing good.

It is when I am mixing with others I feel the emotion build up. I don't like that so much.

Thanks for these thoughts.

I am really enjoying my job. I have put a bit of weight on since I split with him, been comfort eating but have been trying to eat better recently, more fruit and veg, low fat, more wholewheats etc etc. I'm still a sucker for a few biscuiots with a cuppa though! There is no sunshine in GB at the moment. We are having tons of rain, ugh, I am getting out and about and enjoying the outdoors when weather permits. Sleep is no problem, I cannot get enough of it, not sure of the quality.

Interesting to think about though that I cannot visualise a stress free, care free, happy healthy me too much.

Also lately, and its quite funny and strange really - I am checking out every guy I see. Even realising that when my mind wonders I am thinking about hooking up with old boyfriends, I catch myself doing it and I am like - WTF??? Because I know they are NOT were I want to be, nor what I want or need. I have definately been thinking about getting myself another man - subconsiously - In my logical mind I know that I am in no way shape or form ready for a healthy relationship yet.

Some things to ponder and work on.

Thanks again

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lilyflower

That does make sense. I think the whole subconsious thinking about getting another boyfriend is a definate sign in me that I am looking for someone to fill my gaps - FD if you are reading this keep those thoughts under control now!!!

Yeah, I think I am not getting to where I want to be, perhaps I am going into auto piolet and acting out all codie - oooo shivers!

I am so glad I decided to chat to you guys about this!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

It does sound a bit like things you have kept "under control" are slowly bubbling up now that you're lessening the pressure on holding them back. It happens and it's perfectly normal. Things that you may have been afraid to feel are now percolating to the surface since it is "safe" to do so.

Maybe try observing from a non-judgmental perspective. Like saying to yourself "Oh, that is interesting how I reacted to that person." I find it's okay to let my psyche have a little freedom, as long as it's not harming me or someone else. There was a post a while back about "the dark side" you may want to search for. It helped me come to terms with some of my not-so-pleasant stuff.

L

Lilyflower

I like that, like having a third person stance on myself.

I think I am just beginning to accept things and feel again. I have recently posted a few things about physical abuse in my relationship, that is something that I have literally only started to think about over the last few weeks. Plus I am pulling away from the thready contact I had with him.

This is odd, I am hitting something here, just gone hot and cold. I feel like telling him just how much I hate his guts. I may do some journalling on all this. I think it would be good.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reddmax

My therapist says accepting the pain is the best way to overcome it. You can't change what happened, and you can't bury it. Feel it, experience it, and let it go...

Much easier said than done.

Redd

Mair

Hi Lily, oh my i am feeling exactly the same way, and was going to post here tonight, so thanks for this Lily. I hope we get there soon i really do. I feel sad and angry and i dont know why. what is my problem? i feel like a robot at times I wake i work i sleep.

Better day tomorrow ye

Mair

coyote21

Hi Lily

10/27/07 my aw had been out of the house for over 10 months, and we'd been divorced for several months. It had been just my, then, 6yo d and me.

I haden't cryed or grieved yet. I remember it like yesterday. It had such a profound effect on me I wrote myself a note and hung it in the kitchen.

My little girl and I were snuggled together in a big old recliner watching something on tv, when she said out of the blue "Daddy do you have any money?"

I said "Pfft, no I'm pretty broke right now!"

She said "It's O.K. Dad, you don't need any money, cause all your hugs and kisses are for free"

It was just about her bed time, so I took her up said good night and went out on the porch to sit and smoke and think about what she had said.

I didn't sob or heave or anything (managed to maintain some simbilance of dignity, ha!), but the water began to pour out of my eyes and it wouldn't stop. Lasted for about 2 hours, the entire front of my t-shirt was soaking wet. It was a V-E-R-Y profound experience. I believe a spiritual awakening.

In retrospect I realize it was my frozen feelings thawing. Since that night a day doesn't go by that I don't well up over some thing that moves me in a GOOD way, I feel blessed to be able to feel again.

Thank you and God bless us all
Coyote

Bernadette

I am so aware that I am not processing feelings and holding them in because I am having terrible muscle pains in my lower back and upper back around my neck and shoulders - tension. My question is how do I get this locked up feeling out of my muscles and processed when I just always feel ok?

hey Lily--
Have you ever read Louise Hay?
She has a great little book called HEAL YOUR BODY that talks about the psychocomatic reasons behind illness, aches, and pains, etc. She even breaks the back down into specific vertabrae/regions and gives you something to think about.

For any ailment she offers affirmations for countering the "mental" blocks that may be contributing to the physical ailment.

Her book has helped me many many times.

For example for the back - she says the back represents the support of life. So back pain results from feeling unsupported on some level.

Lower: Fear of money. Lack of financial support.
And your affirmation would be: I trust the process of life. All I need is always there for me. I am safe.

Middle back: Guilt. Stuck in all that stuff "back there." "Get off my back!"
And your affirmation would be: I release the past. I am free to move forward with love in my heart.

Upper back: Lack of emotional support. Feeling unloved. Holding back love.
And your affirmation would be: I love and approve of myself. Life supports and loves me.

As my firend who survived cancer said: You can't JUST sit on a mountain and meditate - so whatever physical action you can take to help heal your back is a good idea - but I have found that these affirmations have always lead me to a more peaceful, healthier place.

She has a website too, I think HayHouse.com

Peace Lily-
B.

Lilyflower

Thanks everyone for posting, I am feeling lighter today.

I haven't done any journalling yet, after I got of the net last night I made myself a very healthy meal lots of fresh veg pure orange (thanks GiveLove for reminding me this is so important to our emotional self too), then I read some ''Beyond Codependancy'' interesting read as I was just up to the chapters about recycling & relapse process. Digested all of that and then hit the hey.

Had a bad night sleeping, my lower back has knotted up and I couldn't turn in my sleep. Every time I tried to it woke me up. Been to the doctors today and got some pain killers and anti inflammatories. I am keeping moving and trying not to stiffen up, and also going to address some of my thoughts. I believe in the psychosomatic process too Bernadette, but had never heard of that book or of Louise Hay, so thanks I will check that out!

To Redmaxx, Mair and Coyote21, we will all get through this stumbling block! I hope you are all feeling good toady, and if not, well this too shall pass. I need to remember that too, but also not to use that as a reason to ignore!! Which I think I may have been! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me,

Everyone, you are all fab! Thanks for being there for me,

Love you all
Peace, Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx