HoopNinja

I know I should only live my life--but AH is part of that life. Having discussions with him about treatment is frustrating. Why is it so hard for him to decide between his wife and 2 sons and his marijuana/alcohol. He keeps telling me he is not addicted and that he does not need to go through a program--he can just go to NA and that should be enough--then goes on to tell me all "those people" have hit rock bottom, he has not. I asked him if he had to wait until he hit rock bottom--and what is rock bottom for him. I am talking divorce and he does not see that as at least nearing the bottom? Will it take me finally doing it for him to hit rock bottom. It feels like crap coming in 2nd or maybe even 3rd in his life--yet he heaps on the guilt when I tell him I cannot take it anymore. I am sick of hearing that he does not have a problem. I am sick of him screaming at me when he is angry because he has never gone to counseling to deal with anger--so strikes (verbally) at the closest target--me or the kids. He tells me he gets nothing out of therapy and my response is if you put nothing in, you get nothing out. I am sitting at work today and all I have wanted to do since I got up this morning is cry, cry, cry.
Just needed to vent.

rozied

Take good notice of what Anvilhead had to tell you. Noone could have said it better. A relationship lasts a lifetime when both partners accept each other unconditionally.
If you are in love with someone you want to change it will never last. The secret is to fall in love with someone who doesn't do anything you can't live with.
My 1st husband became my ex because he was a compulsive gambler. I couldn't live with it & I thank God I didn't stay cuz I just found out when he called me 6 mts ago (after 30 yrs) he went from gambling to drugs & didn't get clean till he was 58 yrs old.
I would have spent the better part of my life in misery. Instead I left after 10yrs when I was 27. I spent 10 yrs alone with my kids finding out who I was & what I wanted. I met my present husband 27 yrs ago and we will be married 24 yrs in Nov. I never knew I could be this happy & marriage could be so wonderful.
You only get one chance at life. You deserve to be happy. Only you can make it happen.

Abundance

wife.... I feel your pain.... I am there.... I've been there time and time again. But I have to realize that it's NOT me.... even though it hurts and feels as though I am not enough. That is why I am going to al-anon..... because even though *I KNOW* it's not that way... I am feeling it is though...... but I also know that through SR and al-anon I am going to be taught that it's NOT ME! I have no control...and I am not causing it and I certainly can't cure it. I can only look after myself. Truly the only way I know how to go about that right now is by going to al-anon and building a network of survivors around me. People who have been there - done that.... and they are not only breathing, but they are thriving!

This is all a reaction.....an allergy.... like Anvil says. I have the same allergy.. and I'm getting help for this allergy. Al-anon and SR - my recovery.

I'm not sure if you are or have attended the meetings...... if you haven't... you will when you are ready. It's like, we too have to hit our bottoms!

BayAreaPhoenix

I don't really have anything to add to what has been said, because it has all been said so clearly! It is about you.

A little food for thought. My friend and boss who is 19 years in recovery told me once that after 8 years of being in the rooms, every day, with commitments, etc. Living the life, walking the walk and talking the talk - he realized that he was not actually living in "full recovery". 8 years clean and in the rooms! He knows he is now.

Love, strength and support coming your way!

Callie

WooHoo AH - you go girl! Spot on with your advice! Never thought of it that way!

itisatruth

Hi Wife2Kids - anvil's post got me thinking and I think I just had an "aha" moment -- your H isn't sad or unhappy because he likes his drugs and alcohol and he has his family too. He has his "cake and is eating it too". But it's different for you....you are not ok with that and that is the source of the problem -- what you can and can't live with. Yes, I know his abuse of the drugs are causing these problems, but it boils down to you not being ok with them.

Maybe it would be better if I explain it from my "aha" moment for me.....all these years, I have been trying to control things, change things, fix things, make him change, make him stop, make him do what I want and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do as much for me -- put half the effort out I had been.

Yes, I have obviously known for a long time that the things he has done are unacceptable to me......but, until now, I never looked at it as me trying to bend to fit his needs, to change my core being in order to survive in his world. It is a foreign place to me and I don't like it.

I'm glad you came here to vent; I really do think it helps us get to understand things better. Coming here and doing other things for yourself, reading or going to alanon, taking a break for yourself, are all tools you can use to help you get to a better place --and help you decide what you really want. I wish you the best on your journey.

PS Thanks anvil for helping me see the obvious, finally

Redheadsusie

You are a strong woman to be dealing with all of this. We women take care of so much and often get so little back. I am in your situation but have 2 older boys from my first marriage. I left their alcoholic Dad when my youngest was 3 and my oldest 6. We made it. We grew stronger together actually. I raised them alone for 10 years. To this day - the 3 of us are so close and for that I am so grateful and proud that I finally made the decision to leave their Dad. Kids understand a lot more than we think they do. They make their own decisions. They still love their Dad as they should but his drinking has prevented them from teh close relationship they should have had with him. My older son is over it - completely fine with it all- my younger - not so much. Still craves time with Dad and still gets continuously shot down by him.. We talk about it together a lot. They know their Dad has a problem and that is why he is how he is.

The way I see it is - I have been given the gift of these 2 fabulous guys in my life- they are such a joy and I admire them and am blessed to be in their lives. I have a job I enjoy- family I love and who loves me..friends who support me and love me.. For some reason the whole husband thing just hasn't worked for me.. I can't have it all....I concentrate on the good. I will cry if I think about the whole Ah husband thing. I have to go kiss me dog now- he loves my unconditionally and as far as I know doesn't drink or smoke. ...What a freaking treat...

fndngserenity

It is so hard to remember that we are responsible for our own feelings just as the addict in our lives are responsible for where they are today. I am learning so much from reading the literature and talking with the people in these forums. It is truly amazing how much of a difference it makes to take care of yourself, evaluate your life, your values and really think what you are willing to live with.
For me, I know that I am willing to be there for my BF but in order to do that, it means putting me first. When people told me this, I thought they were crazy.....this was just a couple of weeks ago, lol. I've been reading and coming on here when I can and my entire attitude towards all of this has changed so much.
Your husband sounds like he knows he has a problem and is unwilling to take the blame - or maybe he really doesn't know.... From what I have read, addicts are very good at making everyone else take the blame for their problem. Well, what I have also learned is that no one can make you feel bad without your permission. What helps me is to remember that my BF is lost inside himself and when he talks like that, I know it is not him but the drug doing the talking. Sometimes they get so lost you wonder if they can ever return........only God knows that so it is up to you to decide if you can live with what is here right now- because like the other's said.....what if this is as good as it gets? But remember, YOU must take care of yourself.
I grew up with 4 (yes, quite embarrassing, lol) alcoholic stepdads and I watched my Mom go through hell. I have been in therapy for years to fix the damage that was done. Find yourself, be true to you, take care of you and be there for the ones that need you right now.....your children.
You can still be there for your husband if that is what you decide but never forget that in order to be there for him, it all starts with being there for yourself first.

Good luck and I will keep you and your family in my prayers

fndngserenity

HoopNinja

Anvil and everyone else—thank you for helping me see through my feelings. Anvil your analogies made things so clear. I have to accept that there are things I have no control over. I know I have control stuff going on (also being the child of an abusive alcoholic mother) and work on it but it rears its ugly head still. When I read your post it made me remember when I was diagnosed with depression 20 years ago. I did not want to take the medication—but whenever I stopped taking it I would fall over the cliff—the 2nd time I fell hard and it took me over 9 months to get healthy again. After doing that twice and meeting up with a counselor who made it clear to me that medication was not taking drugs (that’s what it felt like to me—she convinced me I was not my mother but it took awhile). I thought I could control my depression by my own will—and found out I had no control over it and it was controlling me. What finally helped me take my medication and stay on it was when she asked me if I would take Insulin if I was diabetic. Of course I would or I might die. I have stayed on my medication and out of what I refer to the pits of he—for over 10 years now (even living in the situation I am). So Anvil your post was clear and exceptionally simply stated. Thank you.

It helps to take the focus off AH and put it on myself and sons. There were so many things I read here this morning that have helped me. I think what I have been feeling is more anxiety than sad—the anxiety of getting a divorce and what it entails. I dread it. People keep telling me to have AH move out of the house. I have no more control over that than I do him not getting high. I went to my counselor yesterday and we talked about what was holding me back from filing for divorce and it hit me that it was the whole process—not the loss of AH. So she asked if I could be in a house with my 2 sons tomorrow without AH there and did not have to go through the whole divorce process would that make me happy and my answer was yes. My next step is not being afraid to make the change in myself and give up that fear. I am looking for Alanon meetings—I think that will help me a lot.

itistrue—I think you are right when you say he has his cake and is eating too—and I am letting him. If he gets to keep both things because there is no change—he will not change. BUT I can change and decide me and the kids will not be part of the cake.

RedheadSusie—it was also good to read how your sons reacted (they are pretty close to the same age as my sons)-they survived. I have come back to that often because of something I was told at a therapeutic camp for kids with attachment disorder last summer. I was told if I left their father I might lose my older son to his disorder and he would never heal. That I should tell AH to stay out of the house if he was high or drunk. That I should tell AH to get a job so I could put our younger son in daycare (which would not be ideal but better than being home with a father who is high). When I look back I think—again, how would I do that? My sister put it a good way when she said that AH was guilty of child neglect because he was getting high and not taking care of our younger son. BUT, when that woman told me I might lose our older son--that scared the sh—out of me. Was I willing to sacrifice my child to escape AH? Was I being fair? I think that is why it has taken me awhile to get to where I am. My older son is pretty fragile right now—but 300% stronger than he was last year at this time. I have talked to his therapist and she said she disagrees with the person I talked to last summer. She says our older son will regress but she also said she knows me and she knows I am strong enough to get him back.

I appreciate your prayers. I am churchless right now and that also has made this more difficult—but I know God does not live inside the building. What I am looking for at church is support (not for the divorce or dealing with AH but the sharing of faith). Until I find a place I am comfortable I hope Alanon will provide support.