respektingme

My AH is approaching his 30-day mark. I've been so happy this past 2 weeks. He's been a different person. I'm not saying my happiness is banked on his happiness, but deeeeamn it's been so nice to have him be so honest, caring, sweet, affectionate and considerate. No passive aggressive taunts, no drive-by criticisms, not disparaging jokes (at my expense, haha), and he smiles. He smells good, he looks good, he seems happy with himself.

Unfortunately, I picked up on some vibes a few days ago. I don't think he's drinking, but I think he's craving. Which means he's probably planning. He's started avoiding eye contact, not smiling as much, seems like his happy persona is more forced now.

I hope he can work through it but I realize he may not. Then I'll be back to reconsidering what I will and won't accept. If I will or won't stay. What I will or won't do. And I'll be detaching from his choices and him.

Anyhow, being codependent is when we look to others to make us happy. I'm happy with him the past 2-3 weeks. But I feel like pre-detaching before the next shoe drops. I've been on a relationship high for this short time, and I'm thinking it's going to end soon. Guess that's too much thinking on my end about his behavior. It's just been so nice.

LaTeeDa

If you are able to accept the good days/weeks for what they are and not get all wrapped up in expectations, then no, I would say it's not codependent. Desperately clinging to the good times, trying to convince yourself they will never end, only to be devastated when the good times inevitably do come to an end, yes, that's codependent. Only you know where your head is.

L

theotherone

I don't think it's codependent...I would call it wishful thinking. Your head's in the right place...you haven't let your guard down.

ToughChoices

This is definitely something I'm working on/thinking about lately-
Enjoying the good times without any expectation that such times should be permanent. Staying in the moment.

It is a challenge.
I had some really "fairy tale" expectations for my marriage, and I've seen my share of ugly behavior from my A when he is drunk and defensive.
I think that dichotomy makes it easy to slip into thinking in very black and white terms: when he's sober, life's good; when he's drinking, life's bad.

That's still how it feels sometimes.

But on cool rainy mornings (like today - it's lovely here), when I can sit for a moment with a cup of coffee, I am starting to be able to feel content with just living, whether he drinks or not. Content with a life that is both filled with joy and tinged with sorrow, that is uncertain and ever-changing.

I'm trying to stop seeing his actions as a marker of my worth.
Sometimes I feel like I'm making some progress!

Respektingme, you sound strong and thoughtful.
Thanks for this thread.

-TC

OverItNow

I have a hard time with this as well. What confuses me so much about not having any expectations is in my warped, codie (recovering) mind, I equate having no expectations with "settling." Do you have no expectations about the relationship/the person/both? Probably sounds stupid, but it does really confuse me.

LaTeeDa

This was (still is sometimes) a really tough thing for me to get. At this point, I have come to believe that having no expectations is really just another word for acceptance. If you can get to a point of complete acceptance of the person, then you don't have to cling to any expectations. Now, as far as the relationship goes, if it feels like settling, you probably are.

The hard part is coming to terms with accepting the person (since you cannot change them) and then deciding if you can accept the relationship or not. I always thought I was justified in having expectations of my husband because, well because he was my husband, dammit! What I finally figured out was that I do want certain things in a relationship, I just picked the wrong person..........

L

prodigal

I think you are showing a great deal of insight here. Yes, when they're sober and behaving themselves of course we're happier! No more tantrums, mood swings, sarcasm, blaming. Your home is a haven of peace rather than a war zone.

But LTD is right on target here on the issue of complete acceptance of the person as they are for the long haul.

Is your AH convinced that he can remain sober on his own? Would he consider an A.A. meet at this point? Alcoholism is such an insidious disease, affecting both the mind and body that I don't know how anyone could just white-knuckle their way to sobriety; not to say that there aren't folks who have done it ...

freeflower

I thought my ah was 5 weeks sober..even thou he lives alone now and really, how would i know, but my kids all think he is "healed". a co worker saw him activilly drinking at a bar in a very small town out in the middle of no where and last night when I went to the house to see the dogs and continue to get the house ready for sale, I saw an empty beer bottle he must have forgot he sat in the boat. I'm not as shocked as I would have been if not for the imfo on sr. I'm not going to pass this on to my girls but I know what this means. He thinks he's smarter than us and is back to playing the I'm not drinking game. He did go to 1 or 2 aa meetings and of course, that was it. I guess I know by now not to keep my expectations up to high but I did start to dream alitle about us having a life together again...bummer.

respektingme

My AH has been going to AA for 8 years religiously. He didn't get a sponsor until about a year ago. I wasn't forcing him to go to AA. I think he longed for sobriety, but in a passive sense. He kept saying that he was waiting for his HP to take away his desire. I think he and his sponsor have had more than one conversation about quitting first and his HP taking away the cravings, but he has to have an active participation in his own sobriety.

I think his problem is that he hasn't suffered any of the consequences many people sitting beside him in AA have suffered. But he is getting there. He missed work 3 weeks ago from it, and our son saw him drunk and was frightened (he's 11). That seems to have been the catalyst for him to stop this time and if he makes it to Sunday, he'll have 30 days, the first month in a very long time. All in all, I guess I'm not getting my hopes up. I've had them dashed too many times.

Tazman53

respektingme, hope springs eternal in AA, I know a guy who went to AA meetings for 13 years before he finally "Got It!" he has a bit over 3 years now. his bottom was driving drunk with his kids in the car, side swiping a car and then running!!!

That being said even in the BB it says (substitute woman for man where applicable):

Lilyflower

It's great your husband has been sober for nearly a month. Long may he remain that way! I've heard that some folks go to AA still drinking for a while before they decide to try sobriety.

For me it was this that brought about the end of my relationship. Constantly having the hopes built up and then dashed again. I could not keep in that roller coaster life style. I wanted to feel that my life would be secure every day, that I would not be always wondering, despite how much I tried to detach, the thought always lingering in my mind - will my home be peaceful tonight?

I agree that having no expectations of your AH right now equates to settling, full acceptance of 'this is how it is' and understanding that it may never get any different from how it is NOW.

Thats a difficult one, and again for me, I could not accept that my life was always going to be the way it was.

Peace and serenity to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

respektingme

Talk about a swing of emotions. There have been times when he's been drunk that I've prayed for God to take him pronto!! Get him out of our lives! Let him drop dead so we can enjoy the rest of our time on earth without all his drama.

Then last week he had a cyst removed. For a few days, I suspected it could be cancer of the lip. He has dipped for 30 years. The prognosis for that isn't too swift and I was scared to death of losing him. Just when I've felt happier with him than I can remember, he gets this cyst. I was praying that it was nothing, and it turned out to be nothing.

Anyway, thanks for your replies everyone. He rarely makes it past 3 weeks. I'm happy for him that he has, but not riding this roller coaster this time. I'm still going to get a job, and I'm still going to keep preparing myself in the event I come to the day when I can't stand it anymore.