Redheadsusie

Well- I set a boundary for my husband. About 6 weeks ago- his parents and I sat him down and told him he could not continue with the weed and the drinking. It is going to kill him. He has done it for 27 years a lot. He lost his first wife to this addiction - his 3 daughters rarely see him. He is so full of anger and hate and can't see of course that that the constant in his life has been the weed. The feeling of lonliness, being paranoid - you know the routine. Anyway- We had planned on getting him in rehab - had talked about it and when the 4 of us sat down- his parents caved when they saw him cry- I did not. They said he needs to give up the weed- they thought he could do it himself and he needed to cut back the drinking. He of course agreed- I told him our marriage was at stake. I told him I would not spend any time at all with him if he continued to smoke- none. We planned a Florida trip as a celebration of a new chapter in life- one of health and positivity and waking up with a clear head.

Well my husband has a back problem and he had a problem flare up so used that as an excuse to drink- but swore the weed was gone. We live on the water and boat where everyone drinks in excess so weekends I left the boat when he started to get sloppy. He would come home and I slowly watched the anger coming back- the I hate everything- the cops are bad- the United States sucks- the negativity was coming. He started hiding drinking from me- I found beers thrown in strange hiding places. I trusted the weed was gone but saw it in his eyes. It all came to a head this week. My parents are both terminally ill and I needed help with them- he said no - he needed to relax-this means smoke. He was tired from work- Hey me too but suck it up! He got pissed when I told him how disappointed I was and yesterday went to the beach house so he could party without me around. Didn't ask me to go- NICE. Wouldn't answer the phone all day - Today came home looking hung over. I told him my boundary was I would not be around him period and travel with him and spend time with him if he was smoking. We went on the boat and I told him I was not going to Florida since he was resorting back to wanting to be alone and drinking and smoking - HE IS SO MAD. I am his driver- I always drive the boat and the car when he is drunk or wasted. NOT ANYMORE. I will not vacation where we wake up and pack a cooler and build our day around partying. I am sticking to my guns- I will travel with one of my sons in the Fall. He can go alone.

Am I doing the right thing - If you set a boundary stick to it right. I wish I knew what to do.

lizw

It sounds like a very reasonable boundry to me.
- I'd choose not to go on holiday with someone who is wasted too.

It would (for me) be shaky ground if I saw my boundry as 'You can't get wasted'. As boundries are about me and my behaviour. Not another persons behaviour.

IPT

Yes, if you set a boundary you need to stick to it. It's hard though isn't it? I failed many times and I feel that just strengthening my pot smoking g/fs ability to what she want when she wants. I finally stood my ground this weened and she has not spoken with me since. This is not an easy road we travel.

I think you are doing good. I agree with the above in that boundaries need to be concrete, and about us. Like you said, you won't be around him if he is smoking weed.

ladyamalthea

I definitely agree that you are doing the right thing. What if you two got caught with weed on your way to Florida? Then you could end up in jail for his behavior, depending on where it is found. One thing I have learned is that the best way to help an addict is to not help them. He won't learn if there is no consequence for his actions.

splendra

Setting boundaries is about you not him. You don't need to discuss them with him. Discussing this stuff with him will only ensure that he will push against it.

Many people dealing with an active addict seek ways to control the behavior of the addict and call that a boundary. When used that way they won't work. A healthy boundary is about your behavior not his. Think about it...

Abundance

That is so true .... it's like being manipulative.

Right now it's not even about him.. it's about me.

I also have to remember that dealing with an addict is like dealing wtih someone very sick.

rozied

Hi Redheadedsusie, Everyone here is right boundaries must be abou you & what you will or won't tolerate. If you don't want to go anywhere with someone that is wasted don't go. you are doing the right thing. I would not want to hang around with someone who is wasted either. You know you cannot change your husband. I you cannot live with someone who uses, it is up to you to end it. Harsh but true. Love has nothing to do with it. Everyone gets one chance at life & it is up to you what you do with it. Many yrs ago I was married to a compulsive gambler. for 10yrs I tried everything I knew to get him to stop & he didn't. Finally I divorced him. I was left with 2 sons to raise. After 10yrs alone I met & married my present husband. I thank God for him everyday. My ex called me about 6 mts ago after almost 30yrs. He went from gambling to drugs & didn't get clean until he was 58. Today he is 63 & trying to build some kind of life for himself. Boy am I glad I didn't build my life on the hope he would clean up his act. I would have been waiting & suffering along with him for a very long time.
It is your life. Do what is best for you,
Diane
PS You can't save someone who doesn't want to save himself.

imallright

Good for you. Sounds like we have similar situations. With my AH first it was drinking and weed, then just weed... after getting caught drinking and driving too many times... and then back and forth several times. He hid the weed and many times I truly didn't realize that he was smoking again. However, his "mind" was shot. He can't grasp that he has a problem and his maturity level is extremely low. We finally split up after almost 30 years of this nonsense... what was wrong with me, you might ask????? I am not sure, but I know that I have finally ended the cycle and am moving forward. Take care you hon, you deserve it!!!