Sadness lingers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Spencer IN
Posts: 18
Sadness lingers
In May 2005 my boyfriend and I decided we wanted to get married. We had a new modular and a garage built on his land. He got the loan in his name. I paid half of everything with the agreement that we would marry and put in both our names, which never happened.
He was very good to me when I moved in. It wasn’t long before he started coming home every night and sit in the garage and get drunk and stoned. He would smoke a joint as soon as he got up, on the way to work, at lunch, after work on the way home (plus get a cold beer to drink) and then smoke and drink at night. He was drunk/stoned most of the time.
He would either be wonderful or a sarcastic cruel person to me. Never knew what I would get. He got to where he would never go to my family functions or work functions. He wanted to stay home and get drunk. He thought I was self righteous because I was not a drinker/smoker and felt I looked down on him. I got to where I could no longer live this way and moved out last November.
As soon as I moved out, I would hear I love you, I miss you, I can’t make it without you. He would beg to take me out to eat, to have me stop over, to have me come back. Then it became I love you but don’t stop by without calling first.
He called me the 2nd wk of May with an “I love you, please come over.” Then the 4th wk he called to see “How I was doing & to say hi.” He sounded odd and I asked if he was ok-got an I’m tired. I asked if he had met someone else and he said “I met someone 3 days ago and I really like her. But it is not serious.” I stopped by his house on my way to town to get the few remaining things I had left.
Well, he had already moved someone in. She was a very pretty, much younger woman. He introduced me and I shook her hand. She smiled at me and softly stated “We clicked when we looked at each other. We both felt it and knew immediately that we were meant for each other.” “He told me he knew as soon as he saw me that I was the one.” I was rather in shock, was polite, and told them I was happy for them and left. Did I mention he was was drunk and eyes were bloodshot at the time this happened?
I called him on Monday and he told me he no longer loved me, he almost hated me, and he didn’t want me to ever call him again. He informed me that this girl was “Nice, not like you, and she really likes me.” I have never since contacted him or bothered him in any way. It is like he died that day-no contact, no call, no nothing.
He has made it a point to tell mutual friends and his coworkers how much better she is at everything than I was and how in “love” he is with her. Everyone tells how much nicer he seems now, how he has cleaned up, how crazy he is over her and how he is so loving. They say "He is happier than we have ever seen him. The family loves her." I smile and ask if he still drinks and they reply he drinks all the time.
So, to sum it up: A] I know I could never be in a relationship with him again. B] Ididn’t leave because I didn’t love him, but because he was destroying me. C} Every relationship which has ended in the past I was able to pick up the pieces and move on. D} This relationship ending has hurt my heart, soul, and my mind E} I obsess about this and at first tried to analyze it and now I try to shove it out of my mind F}I am unable to talk about this to my family or my friends-they say he was an A-Hole and to get over it G}I feel like a failure
I have put myself in therapy with a psychologist who deals with addiction/alcoholism. I pray every day to forgive him, for him to forgive me, and for me to forgive myself. My friends tell me to get over it…you have never had a problem getting over someone in the past. None of this is working. Even though I look normal on the outside, I am aching on the inside.
How do you get over something that you know you should get over? Why can I not get over him when I was able to get over my exhusband (who was a lot nicer and not an alcoholic) and a few other guys in my lifetime that were probably as good if not better men than this one? How can I make the sadness and hopelessness go away?
He was very good to me when I moved in. It wasn’t long before he started coming home every night and sit in the garage and get drunk and stoned. He would smoke a joint as soon as he got up, on the way to work, at lunch, after work on the way home (plus get a cold beer to drink) and then smoke and drink at night. He was drunk/stoned most of the time.
He would either be wonderful or a sarcastic cruel person to me. Never knew what I would get. He got to where he would never go to my family functions or work functions. He wanted to stay home and get drunk. He thought I was self righteous because I was not a drinker/smoker and felt I looked down on him. I got to where I could no longer live this way and moved out last November.
As soon as I moved out, I would hear I love you, I miss you, I can’t make it without you. He would beg to take me out to eat, to have me stop over, to have me come back. Then it became I love you but don’t stop by without calling first.
He called me the 2nd wk of May with an “I love you, please come over.” Then the 4th wk he called to see “How I was doing & to say hi.” He sounded odd and I asked if he was ok-got an I’m tired. I asked if he had met someone else and he said “I met someone 3 days ago and I really like her. But it is not serious.” I stopped by his house on my way to town to get the few remaining things I had left.
Well, he had already moved someone in. She was a very pretty, much younger woman. He introduced me and I shook her hand. She smiled at me and softly stated “We clicked when we looked at each other. We both felt it and knew immediately that we were meant for each other.” “He told me he knew as soon as he saw me that I was the one.” I was rather in shock, was polite, and told them I was happy for them and left. Did I mention he was was drunk and eyes were bloodshot at the time this happened?
I called him on Monday and he told me he no longer loved me, he almost hated me, and he didn’t want me to ever call him again. He informed me that this girl was “Nice, not like you, and she really likes me.” I have never since contacted him or bothered him in any way. It is like he died that day-no contact, no call, no nothing.
He has made it a point to tell mutual friends and his coworkers how much better she is at everything than I was and how in “love” he is with her. Everyone tells how much nicer he seems now, how he has cleaned up, how crazy he is over her and how he is so loving. They say "He is happier than we have ever seen him. The family loves her." I smile and ask if he still drinks and they reply he drinks all the time.
So, to sum it up: A] I know I could never be in a relationship with him again. B] Ididn’t leave because I didn’t love him, but because he was destroying me. C} Every relationship which has ended in the past I was able to pick up the pieces and move on. D} This relationship ending has hurt my heart, soul, and my mind E} I obsess about this and at first tried to analyze it and now I try to shove it out of my mind F}I am unable to talk about this to my family or my friends-they say he was an A-Hole and to get over it G}I feel like a failure
I have put myself in therapy with a psychologist who deals with addiction/alcoholism. I pray every day to forgive him, for him to forgive me, and for me to forgive myself. My friends tell me to get over it…you have never had a problem getting over someone in the past. None of this is working. Even though I look normal on the outside, I am aching on the inside.
How do you get over something that you know you should get over? Why can I not get over him when I was able to get over my exhusband (who was a lot nicer and not an alcoholic) and a few other guys in my lifetime that were probably as good if not better men than this one? How can I make the sadness and hopelessness go away?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi Chic and welcome to SR.
In my case, I had to go thru all the stages of grief when I ended a painful relationship with an addict. I was so very sad for him, for me and for us. I grieved the dream and the hopes that I had for the relationship. It takes time.
Others will be along soon to share their experience, strength and hope.
Hugs
Cats
In my case, I had to go thru all the stages of grief when I ended a painful relationship with an addict. I was so very sad for him, for me and for us. I grieved the dream and the hopes that I had for the relationship. It takes time.
Others will be along soon to share their experience, strength and hope.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. I bet I can guess at why this one is harder to get over... could it be, perhaps, that you had, to some degree, become addicted to him? That's what happens to us friends and family of addicts. We care about them so much that we want to "rescue" them from their addictions. We know that if they could just clean up, they would be their old selves again. Next thing we know, we are enabling them, whether it be financially, emotionally, or even just physically by providing food and shelter. We become codependant on their problems.
Think about this... every single thing you have just said about him involves him being stoned or drunk or both. Are you sure that you're focusing on the relationship being over? Or is it more that it bothers you that he is still drinking and getting high? Have you given yourself a chance to heal from the pain he has put you through because of his addictions?
I know I'm making a lot of guesses there, and I apologize if I'm off base. But I have one final question: Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting? If not, I hope you will consider going. You will find others who can relate to you in one way or another, and you can begin to learn to heal from his addiction. These forums are a great resource, and the people here are like no others, but it is also nice to have the face to face interaction that comes with going to the meetings.
So, please continue to look around here. Keep reading, and please keep sharing with us. We continue to grow in our own healing by helping each other.
*hugs*
I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. I bet I can guess at why this one is harder to get over... could it be, perhaps, that you had, to some degree, become addicted to him? That's what happens to us friends and family of addicts. We care about them so much that we want to "rescue" them from their addictions. We know that if they could just clean up, they would be their old selves again. Next thing we know, we are enabling them, whether it be financially, emotionally, or even just physically by providing food and shelter. We become codependant on their problems.
Think about this... every single thing you have just said about him involves him being stoned or drunk or both. Are you sure that you're focusing on the relationship being over? Or is it more that it bothers you that he is still drinking and getting high? Have you given yourself a chance to heal from the pain he has put you through because of his addictions?
I know I'm making a lot of guesses there, and I apologize if I'm off base. But I have one final question: Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting? If not, I hope you will consider going. You will find others who can relate to you in one way or another, and you can begin to learn to heal from his addiction. These forums are a great resource, and the people here are like no others, but it is also nice to have the face to face interaction that comes with going to the meetings.
So, please continue to look around here. Keep reading, and please keep sharing with us. We continue to grow in our own healing by helping each other.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Chic 
Why can I not get over him when I was able to get over my exhusband (who was a lot nicer and not an alcoholic) and a few other guys in my lifetime that were probably as good if not better men than this one?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I agree with everything that has been said. I am trying to let go of a relationship with my g/f who regularly uses drugs rather then see me. Still, I can't find the strength to leave.
I have a few thoughts, and they are just that, regarding me and my learning so far. They may or may not relate to you. Take what you want and ignore the rest.
Like Chino said, some people and just not nice. One thing for me is I feel (unconsciously?) my g/f "owes me" an apology for the way she has treated me. Not only that, she "needs" to treat me properly (as I deserve that don't I? After all, I treated her exceptionally and tolerated things I shouldn't have). Sometimes I feel like I am still working at this just to be treated "properly" by her. A counselor feels I have my ego wrapped up in her actions. She treats me good "I am okay", she treats me bad, and I am "not okay". In your case maybe you just wonder what “she” has that you lacked (maybe a higher tolerance for being treated poorly? Wouldn’t your relationship have been “great” and him real happy if you just let him do as he pleased without regard for you needs? (not healthy for you at all – you did the right thing I think by moving out)).
Obviously both of these issues are a problem. I can't define my worth by someone else's actions. I also may be barking up the wrong tree to be treated properly. She emotionally just may be incapable of it. That hasn't stopped me from fighting for it though. I will say that that perspective has helped me a lot though. Overall I am finally starting to let go some. I am also beginning to realize how much I am holding onto that doesn't even exist. I see her so infrequently we hardly have a "relationship". Denial, is a powerful and dangerous thing.
One book I read had a quote about people's fears regarding being left by an addict (or in this book it was an Alcoholic). It said "no one want to be rejected by a reject". Sounds harsh, but if you think about it, it would have a little more of a blow to our self-worth don't you think? (if we looked at it that way).
This is completely uncharted territory for me and I do not like it. I want out but ironically enough (like a true addict) won't just walk out the door right in front of me to leave it all behind (end the relationship). I wish I had a map or GPS or something because I feel like it is a twisted maze! We will both find our way out one day with support from people here, lots of soul searching and a dose of extra strength.
I have a few thoughts, and they are just that, regarding me and my learning so far. They may or may not relate to you. Take what you want and ignore the rest.
Like Chino said, some people and just not nice. One thing for me is I feel (unconsciously?) my g/f "owes me" an apology for the way she has treated me. Not only that, she "needs" to treat me properly (as I deserve that don't I? After all, I treated her exceptionally and tolerated things I shouldn't have). Sometimes I feel like I am still working at this just to be treated "properly" by her. A counselor feels I have my ego wrapped up in her actions. She treats me good "I am okay", she treats me bad, and I am "not okay". In your case maybe you just wonder what “she” has that you lacked (maybe a higher tolerance for being treated poorly? Wouldn’t your relationship have been “great” and him real happy if you just let him do as he pleased without regard for you needs? (not healthy for you at all – you did the right thing I think by moving out)).
Obviously both of these issues are a problem. I can't define my worth by someone else's actions. I also may be barking up the wrong tree to be treated properly. She emotionally just may be incapable of it. That hasn't stopped me from fighting for it though. I will say that that perspective has helped me a lot though. Overall I am finally starting to let go some. I am also beginning to realize how much I am holding onto that doesn't even exist. I see her so infrequently we hardly have a "relationship". Denial, is a powerful and dangerous thing.
One book I read had a quote about people's fears regarding being left by an addict (or in this book it was an Alcoholic). It said "no one want to be rejected by a reject". Sounds harsh, but if you think about it, it would have a little more of a blow to our self-worth don't you think? (if we looked at it that way).
This is completely uncharted territory for me and I do not like it. I want out but ironically enough (like a true addict) won't just walk out the door right in front of me to leave it all behind (end the relationship). I wish I had a map or GPS or something because I feel like it is a twisted maze! We will both find our way out one day with support from people here, lots of soul searching and a dose of extra strength.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Chic... I am so sorry that you are hurting. Even though you know that you have made the right decision, it still hurts. I am working through this now. I don't doubt my choice... as it seems you don't. BUT, it doesn't mean that I don't wish it could have been different. I did love him, but I didn't love the addiction. It couldn't be different though, so I am slowly moving forward. You will too, hon. Coming here, going to meetings, reading, doing good things for you, talking to friends, finding new hobbies or activities that you love to do will help. Keep talking to us, this is a great vehicle and to help heal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Spencer IN
Posts: 18
I think it would be easier getting over everything if my daughter wasn't an addict as well. He hated her and was constantly telling me what a low life she is, how worthless she is. She had been clean for 22 months and was getting ready to get out of drug court when she relapsed for a week. Now she is at base one with drug court, court ordered to live with me or go to prison, and she has Hep C. The MD won't start Hep C treatment until she has proven herself to him that she is safe to take the interferon (makes many people extremely depressed, suicidal, or they relapse). I had the choice to either say "No, she can't live with me" knowing she wouldn't get the treatment in prison. Or the choice to say say "Yes, she can live with me" and give up what little freedom I had.
At least when I lived with my ex he kept my addicted daughter at bay.
I am tired...just plain old bone tired of all of it. I pray til I can't pray no more and my heart aches for her as well.
At least when I lived with my ex he kept my addicted daughter at bay.
I am tired...just plain old bone tired of all of it. I pray til I can't pray no more and my heart aches for her as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I never understood the pain my parents went through while I was active in my addictions until I ended up with an addicted daughter.
Many times, unresolved issues from past (in my case, my addicted daughter) can come up to bite us in the hind end.
The dysfunctional relationships I always ended up in were a diversion to the pain of having an addicted daughter. I didn't realize it at the time, but I see that clearly now.
Today, I am right with 'self', I have completely turned my addict daughter over to God, and I sleep well at night.
Many times, unresolved issues from past (in my case, my addicted daughter) can come up to bite us in the hind end.
The dysfunctional relationships I always ended up in were a diversion to the pain of having an addicted daughter. I didn't realize it at the time, but I see that clearly now.
Today, I am right with 'self', I have completely turned my addict daughter over to God, and I sleep well at night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Spencer IN
Posts: 18
No, not really. He was sarcastic and loud. She is quiet most of the time. He liked to brag while she sits in the shadows most of the time. She is a slob from hell while he was a perfectionist. I love her much more than him yet I feel so alone without him. She makes me my insides cry-while he just hurts me. I have love & pity in my soul when I look at her-I am not sure what I would feel if I saw him again. The only way they remind me of each other is the expectation that I owe them and the look of a lost soul in their eyes. I think he saw himself when he looked at her. She hated him because he was cruel. I don't know if this makes sense, but it is the way it is.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Chic
I love her much more than him yet I feel so alone without him.
Do you really feel alone without him, or do you feel alone with no buffer zone?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
I think it was somewhere in this forum that I read about 'toxic love'....it made a lot of sense to me and was the first thing I thought of when Chic asked why she had such a hard time getting over this guy vs. the ones that were nicer to her. Does anyone else remember that post or sticky? It might be a good one for Chic to read right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
I looked but couldn't find the 'toxic love' thread so I googled it and found a list that I thought was interesting:
Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Chic, I am sorry for your pain.
My thoughts on this are that he didn`t find another love, he found another enabler who will soon tire of the drama and learn that she cannot change him or save him either.
I have learned that the only way to get through pain is to stare it square in the eye and walk through it. Grief hurts, but it doesn`t last forever, and once you have found your peaceful ending, you will open yourself to wonderful new beginnings, a little wiser for the journey.
Hugs
My thoughts on this are that he didn`t find another love, he found another enabler who will soon tire of the drama and learn that she cannot change him or save him either.
I have learned that the only way to get through pain is to stare it square in the eye and walk through it. Grief hurts, but it doesn`t last forever, and once you have found your peaceful ending, you will open yourself to wonderful new beginnings, a little wiser for the journey.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 18
been through
I've been through a few breakups. Nothing, and I mean nothing makes the pain go away....only time and distance. You just have to endure it. Don't feel alone, you have lots and lots of company.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Chic))
There is something about the mentaly abusive relationship that really gets hooked into us sometimes. This is all just my opinion, mind you, and it may not apply to you but this is my thoughts.
When the times are good with them, they are really really good. They make us feel so special, so loved and they nourish our dreams to include them. It may feel like the happiest time in your life. Then they take it away, usually in the form of their addiction, and they treat us horribly, not because of anything that we did, but so that they can feel better about themselves, they verbally try to pull us down to their level and actually start resenting us and hating us if we resist that pull. Then it is back, to that wonderful wonderful person and relationship, the heart felt sorries and I love you's.
Over a period of time, each time we go through that cycle, we loose a little bit of ourselves, we loose a tiny bit of our self esteem, our strength. We don't even notice it, but in reality, when you put each tiny loss togeather at the end, we realize, we have been worn down and used up. We are a shell of what we used to be and we don't understand how it ever happened. Then if we are cast aside like we don't matter, that becomes the icing on the cake, we start feeling like something must be wrong with us, not them, especially if it hits you from multiple angles in the family, (daughter and BF)
During the relationship, being the good person that you are, you probably did everything in your power to make things work, the more that you accepted, the worse you got treated, you probably strove to get back those "good" times and kept your mouth shut even when you shouldn't have, just to keep the peace. You were conditioned, manipulated and yes even brain washed to conform to the addicts needs, not your own.
You've prayed, and prayed hard for the things that you need, yet nothing has changed, nothing has gone right. So you question yourself even more. What is wrong with ME. Why can't I let this go.
Maybe it's because you need healing. Maybe all the damage that was done to you needs to be addressed by you. Maybe the unanswered prayers, really have been answered, just not the way you would want, but the way that would help you become whole with yourself again. Learning to put yourself first again. Doing exactly what you are doing right now, reaching out and finding a way to change things.
Sorry this is so long, it's just your post struck a cord with me, I've been there, and hope something that I've posted or someone else has posted clicks with you and helps.
Sending Great Big Hugs, and Prayers
B
There is something about the mentaly abusive relationship that really gets hooked into us sometimes. This is all just my opinion, mind you, and it may not apply to you but this is my thoughts.
When the times are good with them, they are really really good. They make us feel so special, so loved and they nourish our dreams to include them. It may feel like the happiest time in your life. Then they take it away, usually in the form of their addiction, and they treat us horribly, not because of anything that we did, but so that they can feel better about themselves, they verbally try to pull us down to their level and actually start resenting us and hating us if we resist that pull. Then it is back, to that wonderful wonderful person and relationship, the heart felt sorries and I love you's.
Over a period of time, each time we go through that cycle, we loose a little bit of ourselves, we loose a tiny bit of our self esteem, our strength. We don't even notice it, but in reality, when you put each tiny loss togeather at the end, we realize, we have been worn down and used up. We are a shell of what we used to be and we don't understand how it ever happened. Then if we are cast aside like we don't matter, that becomes the icing on the cake, we start feeling like something must be wrong with us, not them, especially if it hits you from multiple angles in the family, (daughter and BF)
During the relationship, being the good person that you are, you probably did everything in your power to make things work, the more that you accepted, the worse you got treated, you probably strove to get back those "good" times and kept your mouth shut even when you shouldn't have, just to keep the peace. You were conditioned, manipulated and yes even brain washed to conform to the addicts needs, not your own.
You've prayed, and prayed hard for the things that you need, yet nothing has changed, nothing has gone right. So you question yourself even more. What is wrong with ME. Why can't I let this go.
Maybe it's because you need healing. Maybe all the damage that was done to you needs to be addressed by you. Maybe the unanswered prayers, really have been answered, just not the way you would want, but the way that would help you become whole with yourself again. Learning to put yourself first again. Doing exactly what you are doing right now, reaching out and finding a way to change things.
Sorry this is so long, it's just your post struck a cord with me, I've been there, and hope something that I've posted or someone else has posted clicks with you and helps.
Sending Great Big Hugs, and Prayers
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Spencer IN
Posts: 18
Wow-I can't believe the outpouring of advice, kindness, and caring. Just knowing there are actually people who have either been there or care enough to offer their thoughts means so much to me. I feel I can't talk about it at work, to my friends or family.
My family feel my daughter should straighten up and fly right and what is the problem I can't make her see this. But my family has not faced the addict in the face of their addiction and or noticed the dull look in her eyes nor have they felt the hurt when the addict lies and steals. They don't mourn the loss of the loved one in the face of addiction.
I am grateful my ex has moved on with someone new...even though I wouldn't take him back, the knowledge that I can't is a blessing in disguise.
I am strong enough to survive all this...but the ride is not one I would have chosen for myself or my daughter. Please keep all of us in your prayers.
Again, thank you all.
My family feel my daughter should straighten up and fly right and what is the problem I can't make her see this. But my family has not faced the addict in the face of their addiction and or noticed the dull look in her eyes nor have they felt the hurt when the addict lies and steals. They don't mourn the loss of the loved one in the face of addiction.
I am grateful my ex has moved on with someone new...even though I wouldn't take him back, the knowledge that I can't is a blessing in disguise.
I am strong enough to survive all this...but the ride is not one I would have chosen for myself or my daughter. Please keep all of us in your prayers.
Again, thank you all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Spencer IN
Posts: 18
Okay-I am on a roll. I may be wrong, but in my relationship with my exboyfriend-it seemed like he was totally there for me when I met him and for the first few months. He was kind, generous, funny, caring, and everything I wanted him to be.
Then, once I was hooked, he backed off, way off. He expected his ego stroked and felt like he deserved every word, his meals cooked on time, and the laundry done. Our relationship became a dance with us in the middle.
It was like being inside a rubber band holding us taunt-he on one side and me on the other. If he backed away, the band became to tight and I would go towards him. If I pulled away he would come towards me. If I went towards him he would pull away and away and away. But when I started to give up the band became tighter and tighter and he became more sarcastic and hateful. Is this the curse of addiction or is it just the way his personality is?
He was also the type that never talked about me at work. Now, with his new friend, he goes to work and tells everyone how happy he is, how he doesn't want to leave his property now that he has a keeper, how nice she is and on and on.
I told my friend who works with him not to tell me anything else nor to mention me to him. She said she never ever mentions my name at work nor does she ask him anything about his relationship. Stated she just acts like she doesn't even hear him blowing off. I don't understand why it is so important to him to try to make the new relationship look so wonderful to others.
He is someone that I never mention at work and rarely to my friends or family. If I do mention him-I am looked at with pity or told that you left him months ago and why can't you just get over it and move on. "You have been asked out on dates and it is your choice to sit home and mope." They have no idea the fear that I will find another like him...that I need time to work through this terrible mess I got out of.
Again, if I get into a relationship-I want a healthy relationship-if it is not going to be-then I don't need it. Life is to short to feel so empty.
Sorry to ramble on ... but it is nice to have a place I can be honest with everyone.
Then, once I was hooked, he backed off, way off. He expected his ego stroked and felt like he deserved every word, his meals cooked on time, and the laundry done. Our relationship became a dance with us in the middle.
It was like being inside a rubber band holding us taunt-he on one side and me on the other. If he backed away, the band became to tight and I would go towards him. If I pulled away he would come towards me. If I went towards him he would pull away and away and away. But when I started to give up the band became tighter and tighter and he became more sarcastic and hateful. Is this the curse of addiction or is it just the way his personality is?
He was also the type that never talked about me at work. Now, with his new friend, he goes to work and tells everyone how happy he is, how he doesn't want to leave his property now that he has a keeper, how nice she is and on and on.
I told my friend who works with him not to tell me anything else nor to mention me to him. She said she never ever mentions my name at work nor does she ask him anything about his relationship. Stated she just acts like she doesn't even hear him blowing off. I don't understand why it is so important to him to try to make the new relationship look so wonderful to others.
He is someone that I never mention at work and rarely to my friends or family. If I do mention him-I am looked at with pity or told that you left him months ago and why can't you just get over it and move on. "You have been asked out on dates and it is your choice to sit home and mope." They have no idea the fear that I will find another like him...that I need time to work through this terrible mess I got out of.
Again, if I get into a relationship-I want a healthy relationship-if it is not going to be-then I don't need it. Life is to short to feel so empty.
Sorry to ramble on ... but it is nice to have a place I can be honest with everyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Chic
I don't understand why it is so important to him to try to make the new relationship look so wonderful to others.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by Chic
They have no idea the fear that I will find another like him...that I need time to work through this terrible mess I got out of.
Again, if I get into a relationship-I want a healthy relationship-if it is not going to be-then I don't need it. Life is to short to feel so empty.
Again, if I get into a relationship-I want a healthy relationship-if it is not going to be-then I don't need it. Life is to short to feel so empty.
GOOD FOR YOU! Right on. Take your sweet bleeping time
You deserve a healthy relationship. I know for me this is one of the most dysfunctional relationsips I've even been in. Then again, it is also the first one (and only one for me where I have been in these shoes) that has really made me look at some issues from my previous relationships. Take your time sorting yourself out.
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