A little update on me...
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
A little update on me...
About one year ago exactly, I sent XABF an email (we were long distance) and broke off our relationship. I stuck to my no contact "guns" thanks to all the help and support I got from reading and posting on this forum.
Much as I missed not having a SO in my life, I decided I could learn to survive on my own and after a few months it started to feel good. Unless a person was going to "enhance" my life, as a wise poster here observed, it made no sense letting a new person into my life. I had to be my best "enhancer". I focussed on my new studies, completed the certification with top marks, got a very good entry level job in my new career and things are progressing well. I went on a 10 day vacation in July with my girlfriends and had a blast learning to kayak, going to the theatre and just hanging out. While I was away I kept thinking "I'm really having a good holiday. I don't have to "worry" about whether or not XABF is drinking or wanting to drink, whether he will be pleasant to my friends or taciturn, whether we will really be able to carry out our plans or not". I re-read parts of Co-dep No More so many, many times and it has been becoming easier to just plain "let go" when things aren't going as I had hoped they would. I can start to shrug my shoulders much of the time and tell myself it really doesn't matter and it doesn't!
About three months ago I tested the dating waters again with my personal check-list in hand. Very recently I have met a man who appears to measure up to my basic expectations (most importantly he can take or leave alcohol!). He didn't mind at all when I approached him with questions about him which were important to me. He appeared to understand that I might want to ask him questions. And then, he surprised me by having a few of his own to ask me. Now, I don't know where this new friendship is going to go but the frankness of it all IS enhancing my life at present.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. If the other person can't give you what you want, you cannot then expect them to suddenly be someone they aren't. By asking your questions of the other person and really listening to their answers, you are in control of your own destiny because, if you don't like what you hear, you can CHOOSE to walk away then. As we read, over and over again on these boards, we have no control over others.
Hugs to you all. I will keep you posted.
ARL
Much as I missed not having a SO in my life, I decided I could learn to survive on my own and after a few months it started to feel good. Unless a person was going to "enhance" my life, as a wise poster here observed, it made no sense letting a new person into my life. I had to be my best "enhancer". I focussed on my new studies, completed the certification with top marks, got a very good entry level job in my new career and things are progressing well. I went on a 10 day vacation in July with my girlfriends and had a blast learning to kayak, going to the theatre and just hanging out. While I was away I kept thinking "I'm really having a good holiday. I don't have to "worry" about whether or not XABF is drinking or wanting to drink, whether he will be pleasant to my friends or taciturn, whether we will really be able to carry out our plans or not". I re-read parts of Co-dep No More so many, many times and it has been becoming easier to just plain "let go" when things aren't going as I had hoped they would. I can start to shrug my shoulders much of the time and tell myself it really doesn't matter and it doesn't!
About three months ago I tested the dating waters again with my personal check-list in hand. Very recently I have met a man who appears to measure up to my basic expectations (most importantly he can take or leave alcohol!). He didn't mind at all when I approached him with questions about him which were important to me. He appeared to understand that I might want to ask him questions. And then, he surprised me by having a few of his own to ask me. Now, I don't know where this new friendship is going to go but the frankness of it all IS enhancing my life at present.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. If the other person can't give you what you want, you cannot then expect them to suddenly be someone they aren't. By asking your questions of the other person and really listening to their answers, you are in control of your own destiny because, if you don't like what you hear, you can CHOOSE to walk away then. As we read, over and over again on these boards, we have no control over others.
Hugs to you all. I will keep you posted.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
wow ARL, thank you so much for sharing that. It's always wonderful to hear people coming back with such wonderful success stories. Congratulations on your serenity, it looks good on you 
Mike
Mike
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by DesertEyes 
wow ARL, thank you so much for sharing that. It's always wonderful to hear people coming back with such wonderful success stories. Congratulations on your serenity, it looks good on you
Mike
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Yay!!!!!!!!!! You know, the other day I was starting to wonder if functional, happy relationships even exist. So many here are either struggling through living with their A's, or have decided to be single. Some recently are so sad at being newly single. But I have yet to find someone post that they made it out of the transitional period and onto a healthy relationship. Wonder if it's just more tempting to post when life is handing you pits than cherries.
And not that I'd be ready to jump into another relationship if my marriage doesn't last, but just knowing that the possibility exists to work on ourselves and find another relationship that doesn't involve addictions and better yet, my co-dependence, is inspiring. Good for you. Keep asking questions.
I think if I were single, as soon as I heard the word, "I'm a recovering...." I'd bolt. I wouldn't care if it was an addiction to stuffed bunnies. And I wouldn't care if they had many years behind them of not being addicted to stuffed bunnies. After this experience, I'd want someone who knows the word, moderation. Who is happy with themselves and not constantly looking for outside sources to make themselves happy. I'd want self-confidence, NOT ego. Big difference. Took me forever to see that. Big egos were a draw in high school. They are such a turnoff now. I'll take a bald, chubby guy with self-confidence and happiness over a stud constantly weighing himself against everyone else.
I'm friends with several good-looking couples. The guys are fun to be around. Would I want a relationship with them (provided we were single)? No. There's one guy (happily married) who is such a gentleman with his wife. They go on vacation and rent bikes together. He talks about his wife and kids with such adoration. He is sorta goofy and has a combover!! He's HOT!! 20 years ago, I would have charged for the studs. Now the combovers are where it's at!.
And not that I'd be ready to jump into another relationship if my marriage doesn't last, but just knowing that the possibility exists to work on ourselves and find another relationship that doesn't involve addictions and better yet, my co-dependence, is inspiring. Good for you. Keep asking questions.
I think if I were single, as soon as I heard the word, "I'm a recovering...." I'd bolt. I wouldn't care if it was an addiction to stuffed bunnies. And I wouldn't care if they had many years behind them of not being addicted to stuffed bunnies. After this experience, I'd want someone who knows the word, moderation. Who is happy with themselves and not constantly looking for outside sources to make themselves happy. I'd want self-confidence, NOT ego. Big difference. Took me forever to see that. Big egos were a draw in high school. They are such a turnoff now. I'll take a bald, chubby guy with self-confidence and happiness over a stud constantly weighing himself against everyone else.
I'm friends with several good-looking couples. The guys are fun to be around. Would I want a relationship with them (provided we were single)? No. There's one guy (happily married) who is such a gentleman with his wife. They go on vacation and rent bikes together. He talks about his wife and kids with such adoration. He is sorta goofy and has a combover!! He's HOT!! 20 years ago, I would have charged for the studs. Now the combovers are where it's at!.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
I think if I were single, as soon as I heard the word, "I'm a recovering...." I'd bolt. I wouldn't care if it was an addiction to stuffed bunnies.
LOL!
That makes me happy!!!! ^^^^
Congratulations and good job to you! It's very nice to hear an uplifting story =)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by respektingme
But I have yet to find someone post that they made it out of the transitional period and onto a healthy relationship.
It's all out there, if you are willing to do the work and take the risk.
L
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I'm sure I posted about it at some time, but just for the record, I'm seeing a very nice man who I met on the internet a little over a year ago. We have, I think, a very healthy relationship, and I sometimes cannot believe that it took me so long to make better choices.
It's all out there, if you are willing to do the work and take the risk.
L
It's all out there, if you are willing to do the work and take the risk.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by respektingme
... But I have yet to find someone post that they made it out of the transitional period and onto a healthy relationship. ....
Don't wanna hijack the thread, so I'll keep it short. After my divorce I dated two wonderful ladies I met in al-anon. Relationship didn't work out but now we're best of friends. Have been on my third relationship for over a year now, it's had it's rocky moments, but on the whole it's doing _great_. She is in Overeaters Anoymous and works her recovery _really_ well, which has been a huge help.
That's the Cliff Notes version, now back to the regular thread
Mike
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