Trying_in_Texas

Hi all.

Well, I hope everyone is doing well here, although I know some days that is too much to ask for! I myself spent quite a bit of time on these forums a few years ago dealing with various issues regarding my mom (former pill addict, sober almost FOUR YEARS NOW!) and ex-boyfriend (former meth addict, possibly still addicted to pot and/or alcohol).

Is there a short way to tell my story? Well, after taking my mother to treatment, I very quickly hooked up with a guy who ended up being an addict too. 'Course, I didn't really admit that until I was head over heals in love with him. He's actually a very sweet and gentle person with an addictive personality... all problems in the relationship stemmed directly from his using and my codependency. Anyhow, ended up at a turning point when he got in trouble with the law and refused to seek voluntary treatment because he "didn't have a problem", except I suppose for getting caught.

After that, I ended up dating a totally "normal" guy who treated me quite well at first. Tried to convince myself I was in love with him, but eventually realized I was trying so hard only to "keep away" from ex-abf... and also that this boyfriend didn't exactly hang the moon, either. Broke up with him earlier this summer and haven't looked back.

Well, I ran into ex-abf a month or so ago... realized of course that I am still in love with him, as I never really addressed any of those issues and just broke up with him instead. Now he's going to treatment for at least 90 days and I am so happy about that for him... but concerned about myself.

I guess my question is this - anyone have any good ideas on how to best utilize this very much-needed time apart and help myself? I don't necessarily want to get back with him any time soon but I am clearly not "all better" and, seeing as how I am quite sure I am in love with him, figure I need to get this all resolved at some point. I used to go to Alanon but haven't been recently, so I'm going to start up with that again and get back in touch with my sponsor. I'll have some time on my hands in the evenings at least, so any good books/sites/etc., or just any words of wisdom, would also be appreciated.

littlebird77

I have itunes and download podcasts... I am learning French, and download all these podcasts on religion, and psychology. I have found this great podcast: Recovery Broadcast Network AA speaker meetings audio recovery resources relapse prevention
I download lectures and it helps a lot.

littlebird77

Addiction Recovery Podcast

Trying_in_Texas

Thanks Littlebird! I'm really worried about myself getting too down and not enjoying the "me" time I have been blessed with... worrying about everyone else's "stuff" and not my own is very easy for me to do. I've already been getting more and more into fitness lately, although I used to loathe working out, and eating healthy, and that alone takes up a lot of time.

Troubledone

I spent a lot of "alone" time during an 8 year period that my husband and I were divorced. (I married the same guy again).

While he was not an addict, what is similar to your situation was that I needed to get myself healed before I'd be any good to anyone else.

What I did.

First, I identified what I considered my "needs" - companionship, social network, hugs, etc.

Then I worked on how to get these needs met in ways that would keep me out of trouble.

I joined groups of people doing things I like and met my best friend there. I joined sierra club hiking, some church groups, I took classes like sewing and other crafts. I used to go get a therapuetic massage once a month.

I also went to concerts and things even if I didn't have anyone else to go with.

And I always planned ahead for holidays to make sure I had something fun to do so that I wasn't sitting around thinking about who I was not with at the time.

Hope these suggestions help. I will say, that after I got used to it, the time I was alone was wonderful. I got to know who I am, I learned things, challenged myself, got really fit and by the time my husband and I got back together, I was a much better, more whole person - and the relationship really has benefitted from it.

Prayers that you enjoy this time, not just get by.

Trying_in_Texas

Thanks so much... I assume your name means "Troubled One", but to me your post makes it sound more like "Trouble Done"!

I have a couple really good friends in the town I live in whom I should spend more time with and don't, so that's good. I also have some very good friends who live in towns further away (4-6 hour drives, respectively) whom I never go visit but from whom I always get invitations, so I'm excited about having more time with them. I am also quite randomly starting a new business of my own next week, so that will certainly take up a lot of time. The goal, though, is not to look at all of this and view it all as "busy work" but my freakin' life, sans one person. I imagine that's probably the key for most of us who find our way to this forum anyhow.

Perhaps if he comes back and is in recovery he will be a complement to what I already have going.

Keep those ideas coming, ladies (and gentlemen, if any). I have a lot of long nights ahead of me to get to where I want to be.

IPT

I read a good response on here when someone recommended a book to read. She felt that in the end she owned a lot of the relationship problems in addition to her addict b/f.
Why do we get involved with people that are unavailable (or not have intrest in people who are "normal")? I just started the book and so far really like it. I think I will learn a lot from it.

Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap: Bryn C. Collins

Freedom1990

"Women Who Love Too Much" is another good read, painful but very eye-opening for me.

9 years into my own recovery from addictions (the second time around), it finally dawned on me that the common denominator in all of my relationships with men was me.

What a dose of reality!

My failure to recognize my codependency issues is what sent me out using again after 4 years clean/sober.

I was damned lucky to make it back, and yet I still refused to address those issues.

Today I have been without a relationship for 9 years now, by choice, and I have become my best friend.

I am a homebody and enjoy quiet evenings in front of the tv snuggled with my cats/dogs.

I also like to go for walks.

I'm starting college this month to finally finish my degree, two degrees actually, and I'm 50 years old!

Trying_in_Texas

Again, thanks ladies. First night alone and I am having a remarkably hard time falling asleep. I am hoping it will get easier.