Aysha

I have been doing pretty good so far. Had some freedom and cash all at the same time and did what I was suppose to do. Been seeing that stuff in the paper and thanking God I got out just in time. Watching some thngs on youtube from my hometown in Florida. People ridin through where I use to be..seeing people I know. And its madness they film. I am seeing in my face what destroyed me for so long. And seeing people still caught in the BS.
But I almost feel like I am heading in that mind fall. Curiosity is creeping in.
Not to get high. But you know. That excitement. There is nothing exciting about jail. But still..the life is whispering in my ear lately.
I am doing my best to keep it quiet. But it is coming more often lately.
I struggled some last night. I was at war all night. Had my whole check..cash and a car. Feeling good cause I am doing good. SO why is the initial reaction to go back to the gates of hell?
I am not going to go. But I was being pushed to the edge last night. But I stood my ground.
What I hate about it is. WHy? I know whats happening there. I know what will happen there. But I still have this little itch to go get in the mix.
I really need to find some sober friends. I am not even joking.
I posted in my daily inspiration yesterday about looking for blessings in your troubles and it will give you something to be thankful for.

That was perfect because ..Even though I had my car repoed. It is honestly the biggest piece in my recovery right now. I am so thankful I dont have a car. I was freaking out for the first day it was taken. But it was like a huge relief at the same time and there after.
I have means to get to work or wherever I NEED to get to. But I dont have the one tool that will ensure my weakness to run with these thoughts.
And again..Everything happens for a reason.
Great day today. I ate so much food and we had a great time. Cracking up as usual with the crazy family.
Got a whole new wardrobe between both my aunts and grams.
I never would have had a day like today if I were to let my curiosity get the best of me.
I need to keep reminding myself that.

Klynn33

so hard to let the "good" overcome the evil........
and you did it. ((go you)

I miss that part of my life too - and like you, don't know why. It certainly didn't get me anywhere. figure I have to find something good to replace those feelings with - something I get as much of a rush out of as I did doing that. so far I haven't found it - but still looking.

so proud of you for staying on the course you're on. surely that part of our minds eventually will diminish.....

glad you posted that......keeps us humble to know how quickly we could fall back in

Dee74

I think it's cos it's human nature to romanticise...and that's what kept me coming back...

I was the party guy, I was living the rock star lifestyle, living large.

But I wasn't doing any of that. I was BSing myself.

I know what the truth is now. I know what's real and what's not.
I know it's really so not about Me. But I believed it was.

All I really did then was break my body - but even with that, life's still good when it's real, when the important things are there

D

tommyk

Nice post Chiy.

JigOvLife

This has been so dominant in my thinking also.
The best and worst times of my life I've experienced completely off my gourd. What now? Shades of grey !? *cue monkey on back,leering over shoulder*. Got in a tizz about this yesterday, then Dee showed up:

"But as I got through weeks and then months I found an earlier me I'd forgotten about - and he wasn't bad. In fact he was kinda quite good.

And he might live to see 50 LOL

hang in there!
D"

Gotta say bud you had the same effect on me as when Phil Connors, from that treasured movie, rises all bright and breazy, meets the portly business type bod on the landing and does the quote about 'Winter wearing a smile of Spring'.

Its tough work busting outta this chrysalis, but it might just be worth it.

Anna

You know that's your addict mind playing with you Trish!

Stay strong and focused. You're doing great!

Bamboozle

Instant gratification is what I want for everything in life, and alcohol supplied the most direct way to temporary happiness and blissful forgetfulness. I'm just like everyone else in society, even the ones who don't have addiction problems. Most of us want only the best of outcomes without the negative repercussions. I wish I could drink all the time and be healthy and successful. Impossible. I don't have a liver of steel and my low wage job isn't earning me any accolades. The booze must go. I know it's not going to be easy (2 weeks tomorrow sober) but I have to try. I've had many starts and stops with sobriety lately, but I can honestly say that at the very least I've had more sober days than drunk days this year. That's a first in six years.

four812

i can relate....thanks for sharing that and your entire post and for this entire thread

you've helped me feel a little more connected to the universe

butterfly19

Great Job Chi!!!

So proud of you sweetie! Glad you had a good time with your family and a great birthday celebration! New clothes??? Wheeeeeeeeeee. . . Wish it was my birthday!!!

As for those thoughts creeping in, that is so natural. Remember something, Chi, we didn't become addicts overnight, therefore, there is no humanly possible way our minds are going to stop thinking about it overnight. It takes time. Have the patience to get through b/c it does get easier! I know how hard patience can be b/c I'm not a patient person to start with. When you find those thoughts creeping in do something, anything to distract yourself. Take a walk, wash some clothes, scrub the toilet, do this-- LOL! Anything will do, just don't use. Keep up the great work, my friend. You are so worth everything you do!

Love,

butterfly19