heavycircles

A few years ago I started dating a man who warned me up-front that he was a recovering cocaine addict. Being ignorant and too much in love to care, I really didn't think about what this means. We kept on dating with no no lapses as far as drugs on his part. One thing that was unique about him is that he wanted to buy me an engagement ring after about 7 months of dating. I refused, saying it was way too soon for that. Well, after 1.5 years of happiness, he moved in with me. His once moderate drinking became worse and worse, going up to 1.8 liters of vodka/day. One time I had him hopsitalized and his BAL was 37 percent. He would detox and go right back to the stuff. Not only this, he was abusive. It got so bad that I tried to leave but he drove up to my workplace drunk and I almost lost my medical residency. I was warned that if he came back, I would lose my residency ("we are all responsbile for our friends" is what I was told). Being in school for 9 years, I decided I had to stay with him or lose my med schoo education/not finish. It was hell-- he beat me, was verbally abusive, etc. but I felt trapped between hiim and losing all these years of school Well, as soon as I finished my residency I left.

I had NO more love for him. However, although I have NO romantic love for him and I am SO glad that he is gone, I still call him. I get no pleasure out of talking to him because he is always drunk and always getting worse. I constantly worry about him and feel so helpless as far as helping him. He always acts hurt when he finds out that I am dating other men. I constantly worry about him. I just SO BADLY want to disconnect my phone so I don't have to hear "I need you", etc but I feel like if I stop talking to him,he will have liteally nobody.. My greatests wishes are for him to stop drinking and for him find someone to move in with and be happy... Sometimes when I think about him rotting alone in his apartment or see substance abusing patients I well up with tears. Does my talking to him (not seeing him or dating him) make me a codie? DO you think if I disconnect my phone, it may force him to get help because he has finally lost it all? It just seems so cold to completely move on when I am all he has....

HopeandPrayer

Welcome, to start with, his problems are just that, his problems. In order for you to move forward in a healthy relationship, IMHO you need to cut those ties.

Part of the alcoholic personality that I have learned about is they always make those that care about them feel quilty when we try to move on without them or do something for ourselves. You didn't deserve the abuse, you don't deserve the quilt, and you definately did NOT create his alcoholism. He did all those things to you and himself.

What is the worst that could happen to YOU if you cut those ties? Take him out of the equation for right now, What do you want? What do you deserve? What does you future hold?

I think maybe counciling and Al-anon might be helpful to you. Try turning this over to a HP and let it go. Concentrate on you getting healthy and happy.

There is nothing you can do to fix him, he has to do that for himself. All we can do is work on ourselves and let them take care of themselves. If he ends up alone that is his issue and not yours.

God Bless you and good luck,
Barb

Reality

You have to let go of being his savior...every time you give comfort, its enabling him...and hurting you.

You cant save or rescue him. Let go...and let God.

WishIWasNormal

I had NO more love for him. However, although I have NO romantic love for him and I am SO glad that he is gone, I still call him. I get no pleasure out of talking to him because he is always drunk and always getting worse. I constantly worry about him and feel so helpless as far as helping him. He always acts hurt when he finds out that I am dating other men. I constantly worry about him. I just SO BADLY want to disconnect my phone so I don't have to hear "I need you",

Now that you have finished residency, your future is a golden door in front of you. He will always be what he his. You need to seek out partners who are your equals both emotionally and educationally. This man will need emotional support and financial support possibly for the rest of his life. Look around for a rehab facility that you think will meet his needs and see if he will enter it. Then give him a hug, wish him good luck and go on with your studies and your life.