Codependent boss?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Woodbridge, NJ
Posts: 36
Codependent boss?
Happy Saturday everyone. I am frustrated by a situation at work, and even more so because I am obsessing about it on a sunny Saturday, so I thought I would post about it, get it out, hopefully get some advice, and move on.
My department at work is going through a big reorganization. I have a new boss, a woman I've worked for before, someone who has conflicts with many people both inside our organization and with our vendors. I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with this change.
I am usually on the forums reading (you can see my abysmal post count) because my husband is a crack addict. However, my boss is a recovering alcoholic, though is not open about it. Which isn't an issue, except when I read the list Astro posted about control patterns exhibited by codies, then pointed out that many As are also codies, bells went off. My boss exhibits the first 4 at work on a daily basis. Here's the list, for reference.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
She isn't usually blatant about any of the above - for example in a meeting she'll lay out what she wants, say "do you agree?" and if anyone disagrees will continue to browbeat them - always with this crazy smile that I am sure she thinks is comforting but reminds me of Pennywise from It - until she gets her way. And she's the boss! At a certain point you can't say no, even though you want to.
Now that I think about it, I'm sure my own co-dependent issues exacerbate the situation. In part I can't say no because, well, I can't say no. But that hasn't been a problem at work until this point - I could always make my opinions and ideas known before, even if they conflicted with my boss at the time.
My question is this - how many of you had to set appropriate boundaries at work? How do you do that, when your ability to detach or remove yourself from the situation is limited? What techniques have you used to manage this situation with your boss?
I like my job and don't want to leave but also can't keep crying in the parking lot or having imaginary arguments all the way home. (Thanks Astro - you have at least begun the resolution process for me by giving me a starting point.)
My department at work is going through a big reorganization. I have a new boss, a woman I've worked for before, someone who has conflicts with many people both inside our organization and with our vendors. I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with this change.
I am usually on the forums reading (you can see my abysmal post count) because my husband is a crack addict. However, my boss is a recovering alcoholic, though is not open about it. Which isn't an issue, except when I read the list Astro posted about control patterns exhibited by codies, then pointed out that many As are also codies, bells went off. My boss exhibits the first 4 at work on a daily basis. Here's the list, for reference.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
She isn't usually blatant about any of the above - for example in a meeting she'll lay out what she wants, say "do you agree?" and if anyone disagrees will continue to browbeat them - always with this crazy smile that I am sure she thinks is comforting but reminds me of Pennywise from It - until she gets her way. And she's the boss! At a certain point you can't say no, even though you want to.
Now that I think about it, I'm sure my own co-dependent issues exacerbate the situation. In part I can't say no because, well, I can't say no. But that hasn't been a problem at work until this point - I could always make my opinions and ideas known before, even if they conflicted with my boss at the time.
My question is this - how many of you had to set appropriate boundaries at work? How do you do that, when your ability to detach or remove yourself from the situation is limited? What techniques have you used to manage this situation with your boss?
I like my job and don't want to leave but also can't keep crying in the parking lot or having imaginary arguments all the way home. (Thanks Astro - you have at least begun the resolution process for me by giving me a starting point.)
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
lyssabee-
Hey - thanks for posting this - I work freelance and have had to work recently with alcoholic bosses and codie bosses. And one woman who was a lucky double: alkie/codie!! IT IS SO STRANGE!!
I'm curious to hear other's thoughts on this situation and how to handle it.
I found that working with alcoholics is hardest for me- but I remind myself to use all my AlAnon tools and I manage to get through it - it just makes me anxious - and I can get a wave of panic sometimes - it must stir up old "fight or flight" responses in my brain from when I was growing up... I even had to deal with phone calls once from the wife of one alkie boss - he hadn't come home the night before, their son had surgery that morning (classic right??!!) and she was a wreck.
Ultimately I focus on detaching. Not my responsibility and not my problem. Since I'm freelance I try to avoid working with these people (in fact no way will I work with the Dad who got blasted instead of show up for the surgery). Sometimes I just remind myself that it is just a J. O. B. and I need the $$$$ and I can just do my work and keep my side of the street clean, and Live and Let Live.
There will be difficult people at any job for all kinds of reasons...I hope you can find a way to cope w/ this person since you like your job...
Peace,
B.
Hey - thanks for posting this - I work freelance and have had to work recently with alcoholic bosses and codie bosses. And one woman who was a lucky double: alkie/codie!! IT IS SO STRANGE!!
I'm curious to hear other's thoughts on this situation and how to handle it.
I found that working with alcoholics is hardest for me- but I remind myself to use all my AlAnon tools and I manage to get through it - it just makes me anxious - and I can get a wave of panic sometimes - it must stir up old "fight or flight" responses in my brain from when I was growing up... I even had to deal with phone calls once from the wife of one alkie boss - he hadn't come home the night before, their son had surgery that morning (classic right??!!) and she was a wreck.
Ultimately I focus on detaching. Not my responsibility and not my problem. Since I'm freelance I try to avoid working with these people (in fact no way will I work with the Dad who got blasted instead of show up for the surgery). Sometimes I just remind myself that it is just a J. O. B. and I need the $$$$ and I can just do my work and keep my side of the street clean, and Live and Let Live.
There will be difficult people at any job for all kinds of reasons...I hope you can find a way to cope w/ this person since you like your job...
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
I dont have great advice, but am also having work issues (which really sucks) with my very interdependent group. I just wanted to let you know I sympathize with the increible toll work personalities and relationships have on our lives!!
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