anubus

Most of you know my story....threw my ABF out 3 weeks ago. Trying to move on with my life, but it's very hard. I've been reading everything i can get my hands on, attending AA and Alon-on meetings several times a week, reading these boards. I am fortunate that I have a wonderful support system, in that even my boss is a minister and is SO happy that I threw the A out.

BUT, I'm having a BAD night here. The problem is, I'm 50 years old, and so discouraged that I might never find a soulmate again. Honestly, I am SO LONELY. It's not about just the 3 weeks since I threw him out......I've been alone for many years since my divorce, and when the ABF came into my life, I thought FINALLY God was sending me a partner. Don't get me wrong, I do okay alone......everyone says I do very well on my own, that I am so strong, etc. I manage to keep a nice house with 1 acre yard alone, not a mansion, but alot more than alot of people will ever have. But I am SO lonely. I don't have much family, parents deseased, my kids are grown, I just need so badly to meet a NICE guy and have what everyone else has/wants........a normal life. I need a husband.....I'm religious upbringing, and just want so badly to have the fairy tale. I just feel alone in life. Doing life solo just isn't my thing. F*ck........I'm NOT happy.......I wish I'd never have split with my XH (the adult child) and even more wish that I hadn't listened to advise to throw my ABF out!!!!!!!!!!!

So today, I was praying extra special hard for God to send a good man into my life.......I have been praying this for years, but today I was extremely down & pretty much pleading. I still love my ABF, and pretty bummed that he chose the bottle over me. But asking God to please send me a good man into my life. Quite oddly, tonight I was at work, and a friend of mine phoned me, saying he had fixed me up with his neighbor.......a recent widow guy. The way it happened, so unexpected after I prayed so fervently, I was pretty excited at first. BUT......ended up in a BIG letdown. A total jerk.....I met him after work for a couple of drinks......he flirted with every girl in the bar, and then tried his darndest to get in my pants the entire evening. It was just so de-grading. He kinda just played pool when he wasn't flirting with women.....and I was just so lonely i played Dean Martin songs on the jukebox (bringing back old memeories from my ABF, who we shared a love for Dean Martin together).

And this is horrible, but all I could think of tonight was of my ABF, and how much I wished I'd have never thrown him out!!!!!! He never treated me like THAT. He never flirted with other women when we were out together. He was a happy drunk, never abused me physically, etc. We literally got along GREAT, except for my not being able to support him & his alcohol problem. And the sorry fact is, IF my ABF would have been 1/2 as interested in getting in my pants as THIS guy tonight was, I probably would never have thrown him out!!!!!!

I have tried internet dating, those seem to be all losers, I have been going out as much as possible to meet people.........and everyone seems so F**ked up these days!!!!!! Nobody is into real relationships, let alone marriage.

Is there really LIFE after throwing out an ABF????????????? I just wish I had went to AlonOn meetings BEFORE I threw him out......because the grass seems GREENER living WITH him right now!!!!!!! I know now that I did everything WRONG........tried to ration his beer, tried to persuade him to quit drinking, listened to his mom when she said "do this and do that". All these things I learned at Alon-On, after the fact that I threw him out. And I can't help asking God WHy didn't I find Alon-on SOONER?????? I had NO IDEA!!!!! I didn't know the facts. I was going by human instinct, his mom's advise, and even my boss/minister's advise. WHY didn't God give me the info SOONER......that I could have changed MY life/reactions, to adjust to this, and possibly even HELP HIM to change?????/

I'm so sorry, I know I must sound like I am babbling on.......which I AM....having a HORRIBLE NIGHT.. but I REALLY need to vent here!!!!!! What the H*ll is wrong with me???????? WHY CAN"T I FIND A GOOD MAN????????

And why do the A's always manage to find good women, and JUST CONTINUE ON????????????

historyteach

My dear Anubus,
I hear your pain, and I'm so sorry...
I know your lonliness too. I'm over 50 and wishing for someone in my life. I threw out the gambler in my life. We were married for 24 years. I've been alone for 8 years now. And I know what you mean when you say that there seems to be no decent men around! But, you can find peace within, even without a man.

But, I need to point out something in your post, my friend. Alanon is there for you to learn to live *your* life to the fullest. It does not exist to learn to "help him to change."
Please continue to go; get a sponsor; and work the steps. You can find serenity. And who knows what that peace will bring your way.

I wish you well...

Shalom!

dor5711

I am right there with you. I was married for 11 years, divorced now for 13. I met my ASO 7 1/2 years ago and thought I met my soulmate. Until he started drinking 3 years old. I think part of my problem in letting him go is that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am also 50. I'm an only child so no brothers or sisters, only a few cousins that we sometimes see. I have two kids.....20 and 18. My dad passed away in February and I have my mom who is 85. I honestly thought the ASO and I would grow old together but unfortunately the fairy tale is not to be. And it scares me. I grew too dependent on him over the past 7 years. But life goes on and I'm just taking it one day at a time. At this point, I don't ever want another man in my life but I guess that could change one day.

Mair

This feeling will pass, at 3 weeks your probably still greiving after your A. Give it some time. I too felt like you, but after a few months i felt more comfortable with myself. Getting into another relationship now is probably not a great idea. Make plans for yourself, meet up with friends, take a vacation, anything to keep your mind focused on making you happy. Please dont do what i did by depending on others to make you happy.

Ive given myself 12 months before i even think of having another relationship, in the mean time im keeping myself happy.

Beleive that better things are heading your way. ((())))

Mair

miss communicat

Anubus

Its so great to have a safe place like SR and Alanon to vent, cry and work through these scary feelings. What makes it "safe" is that we can do this without feeling the need to ACT on these feelings.

Letting go is not easy. It helps if we let go and let GOD take over.

On that note, your post reminds me of a time, I was in similar emotional angst, and I prevailed upon God to just send me a GOOD man.

Well, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans and what YOU need.

God sent me a man alright. His last name was goodman. We thought we were soulmates and crafted our lives together until he lied, cheated and ran off with another woman.

Moral to the story: Now I pray to know God's will for me, and daily I ask God how I can serve His will, not mine, best. Doing so has given me freedom from the bondage of self and the fears of being alone in the world.

Sending you lots of understanding hugs today....

Barbara52

You might want to take a look inside yourself and see if you can figure out why you think you must have a man in your life to make your life worthwhile. You say you still love the man you kicked out 3 weeks ago yet here you are looking a a new man in your life. It takes time to get over the easiest of break ups and this was not an easy breakup. Give yourself time to take care of yourself, to figure out what you want in your life. none of us find happiness through another man (or woman). We can only find happiness in ourselves.

I alos pray for God to work His will in my life. I always find that even when its not what I think I want, it is what I need.

Startingover2

Its only been 3 weeks. No rush. Give it more time.

I am 43 with a 4 month old baby! I wonder who the heck is going to want me now. Most men my age have teenagers not babies. But I don't care right now. I want to be happy on my own before looking for someone again.

LaTeeDa

When I first read the book "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, the following hit me like a ton of bricks:

Look, allowing yourself to be dependent on another person is the worst possible thing you can do to yourself. You would be better off being dependent on herion. As long as you have a supply of it, heroin will never let you down; if it's there, it will always make you happy. But if you expect another person to make you happy, you'll be endlessly disappointed.

One of the uncomfortable paradoxes in life is that as long as you cannot be happy by yourself, you will never find the right person to be with. It's not easy, but if you truly want a good relationship with someone else, you have to have a good relationship with yourself first.

L

respektingme

My heart gets so filled by being with my closest friends. Wouldn't it be so wonderful if single woman could live together? Not be dependent on each other, but be there for each other. Men typically just don't get women like women get each other. I lived with my best friends for a while when I was 20. Was so much fun to come home from work and chat, cook dinner, etc. We still meet up for vacation every once in a while and go for massages, concerts, etc. Stuff my AH would never want to do.

Anyway, I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. I've felt like you are feeling before. I've felt incomplete when I was alone. I also recognize that this is an indicator of a flaw in myself. Books and counseling could probably help.

OverItNow

I am sorry you are going through this--doing my life solo is not my thing either. I was thinking about that this morning and then read your post--interesting. But in thinking about hating to be solo, I also know it is why I chose some of the men that I did. I sold myself out to the lowest taker time and time again and never bothered to trust I could generate a bidding war of worthy men and allow the best man to share in my life--bet I could and I bet you could too.

Lonliness sucks, no doubt about it, however I know in living with my AH, I am just as lonely as if I were truely alone (cos I am really). I think to live in peace, as the master of my own domain so to speak, would make the lonliness a tad less lonely if that makes any sense.

A book that I HIGHLY recommend which I am re-reading for the fifth time (I will get it one day) is In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. It is incredible, in my opinion, and if you haven't read it yet, I'd recommend it to all. Here's the link:
Amazon.com: In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want: Iyanla Vanzant: Books

anubus

Thank you all for the kind replies. I'm feeling a little better today, not hysterically crying at least....but still frustrated because I want so badly to have somebody to share life with...plant gardens together, share life's ups & downs, ya know?

I think I am happy by myself, I really don't think that is the problem. It's just that I have been alone for so long, I really miss the little things that a relationship adds. As mentioned, my family is either distant or deseased. My friends are either married or dysfunctional. Financially I barely make ends meet, so taking a vacation isn't an option, although I do try to keep busy. But it just isn;t the same. Even my next door neighbor was so happy for me when I met my ABF. Of course, none of us knew the alcohol part at first. But my neighbor has seen me struggle to save my house 4 years ago when XH left me for dead.....friends nicknamed me Scarlet O'Hara, saying I was such a strong person & joked about me "saving Tara", and after I survived that, I was so alone in life. My neighbor would tell me how much I deserved a nice guy, how everyone needs somebody in their life, and how he wished I would find somebody. Then when I met ABF, my neighbor remarked how nice it was to see us outside planting a garden together, etc. I finally had a smile on my face, and everyone including myself thought I was finally being blessed with a good man.

Okay, I know...I shouldn't be going here.....just having a bad couple of days. And as one of you mentioned, thank goodness for this board, a SAFE place to vent & cry.Instead of doing something CRAZY, like begging my ABF back.....

And I'm sure I am still in the greiving period over him. Just because I threw him out, doesn't mean I still don't love him, and mourning the loss. But I am trying to turn it around....I know we attract what we think, and that thinking "I am lonely" or other negetive thoughts will only bring more of that into my life. But sometimes that's hard to change.

Thank you all for listening & offering comfort.

McKrazy

This is no "solution" to the man thing, but I echo a few of the posts that suggest you looking into the idea of the possiblity of LOTS of soul mates in women as companions. I know that my closes friends are the one that I enjoy traveling with. They "get me" and we have a lot of similar preferences.
They also listen without judging and truly love me without feeling that have to try to change me. We can choose to be together, then retreat to our homes when we need to be alone.
As I have often had to comtemplate what life might look like on my own, I have firmly decided that if that comes to pass, I will likely never date, or at least never pursue that as one of my greater needs. I have lots of male friends who are my buddie's husbands and they are wonderful and care for me.
I guess I just need to be able to look in the mirror and only hear MY voice in my head, and for me, the enmeshment of a marriage, especially to a negative guy when he's drinking, that's a peaceful thought to embrace.

Now..... having said that. I'm not in your shoes, and it sounds painful and lonely.
I'm so sorry and I pray for someONE (I won't specify gender....) to come in and touch your heart and help you find the strength to pursue your own passions and pleasures and see where life takes you.
Take care

dor5711

I'm sure many of us still love the A and mourn the loss....I know I'm one. BUT I don't miss the chaos and stress and everything else that goes along with it. I feel so much more at peace when I know I don't have to deal with what's coming next.

LaTeeDa

In my earlier post, I said something about being happy by yourself. What I really meant was, happy without a romantic relationship. We all need and deserve nurturing friends. As I mentioned in another thread, I like food analogies.

One of the things I've been working on since my marriage fell apart is eating healthier. I have discovered that if I get in a hurry and skip breakfast, a healthy lunch like a salad, is not very appealing. I am so hungry by lunch time that all I want is a double cheeseburger or a couple slices of pizza followed by an ice cream sundae! If I have breakfast, even just a healthy snack in the morning, a salad or light sandwich is enough for lunch.

It's the same with romantic relationships. If I have lots of fun activities and good friends who make me laugh, I'm not starving for a man. My soul is nourished enough that I can take my time and choose a healthy relationship. If I have "starved" my social self, I will take just about anything that comes along, whether it's good for me or not......

L

Bernadette

Hiya Anubus--
So today, I was praying extra special hard for God to send a good man into my life.......I have been praying this for years, but today I was extremely down & pretty much pleading.

Maybe time to change up this years old prayer of yours. Maybe pray for God to send you the strength to be the "good man" in your own life. Maybe God is sending you a message that you need to get to an emotionally healthier place before he sends the man of your dreams your way. Maybe he has sent that man a few times but you are so caught up in this obsession with your ABF that you were blind. Maybe you dismissed him as "not your type."

Sometimes we need to start looking at men who aren't "our type." Y'know what I mean? Like if your type always ends up hurting you, or having colossal probs (like addiction) that keep him unavailable on so many levels then it might be time to change your "type!"

Try to focus on things YOU can change that are tangible. Is there something about yourself you know you could be working on that will make you stronger and happier??

You're in the aftermath of a break-up - so take the time to heal and grow, there's no getting around the painful "work" of that. A man landing on your doorstep does not make things all better, especially if you haven't changed.

Just some thoughts...I know you are hurting, the way to change is always painful and difficult. But trust the process of life, trust that you are moving on to better days - trust that you are capable of becoming an emotionally complete person without a man!!!

Courage- anubus!!
Peace,
B.

HopeandPrayer

I divorced my AH when my kids were 2 and 5, was single for 3 yrs and felt I wanted someone in my life and theirs. All I was finding were jerks and more drunks and at the point that I was just going to raise my boys and forget about findng anyone.

At that point a friend of mine introduced me to a guy she knew had been sober for several years, I was ripe to have a relationship and he knew that. We met in March, engaged by Easter and married in August. What I didn't know was, he was what I term a dry drunk, he wasn't actively drinking but the behavior was still there. The verbal abuse, the bullying of me and mine, and the selfishness that all alcoholic's and addicts have. It took my son having anxiety/panic attacks to the point of him passing out, to make me realize that no relationship was worth the life of my son or myself.

I have been single again now for 18 months, and I think I cried for the first 6 months, hated for the next 6 months, and now just feel numb. I agree with what everyone else has said above, give yourself time to heal. Yes, I won't lie, it does hurt, sometimes to the point that you feel like you might be better off dead, but you won't be, neither would you be bette off going back to something that will only continue to hurt in the long run, just MO.

God will give each of us what we need, not neccessarily want, when we need it and are ready for it. Trust in him and all wil get better, you will see. That is the only thing besides my sons that has seen me through this, as he will see you through it also.

Barb