BohemiMamaof3

I haven’t been here in awhile and now I pop in with a needy post, but here goes and I suppose that’s what we’re all here for anyway, support, advice, listening. My brother has been in a Christian alcohol & drug recovery program for 2 years now. As far as I know he’s been clean and sober and for that I’m so thankful to God. He also had a problem with p*rn for as long as the other problems. My DH & I visited my Mom yesterday, and my DH had to use her computer to email his old boss some work-related photos. We found p*rn on my mom’s computer, from the dates my brother visited to mow the lawn and such. (there's no chance it's my 73 year old Mother's!) I have thought to myself, my brother is like a dry drunk. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for how far he’s come, and that he’s sober and in a program. I am proud of him for that. I really am. But he seems sober and miserable, it’s like he’s a grouch with no zest and passion for life. I feel so bad for him, and wonder, when is his recovery finally going to kick in? So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I felt like something was not quite right with him, and here is the proof. He’s a grown man and it’s his choice how he wants to live his life and what morals he has. My Mom, DH and I do have a right to set boundaries about what we will allow in our homes and with our things. This is not acceptable behaviour for him to view that on our computers, and unfortunately causes me to have concern over what else he might be slipping back into. How would you deal with this? What parameters would you put on having a discussion with him? As a Christian I am so morally opposed to this on all levels, and for him to be in a Christian program and going to all the meetings, he’s not supposed to be involved in this as long as he’s there. He’s a 37 year old man, he knows it’s wrong, it’s between him and God. I’d love to preach him a sermon, but I don’t think that’s the best way to deal with it. Most confrontational conversations with him are one sided or he gets mad and leaves. We have never had any kind of heart to heart about any of his problems, I have tried to be a supportive sister and friend, but he is very non-communicative. I have tried to approach him in various ways. I am happy that he’s sober and has come this far, but I am concerned about this and his overall dry-drunk kind of attitude. Can one be a dry drunk and be in a program for this long all the while going to all kinds of meetings?

LaTeeDa

You seem to want to make this discovery into his lack of recovery and what can you do about it?

While the two may be related, it's really not for you to judge whether he is succeeding in recovery or not. As you said, that's between him and God.

As far as your mother's computer and porn, if she doesn't want him looking at that on her computer, then she shouldn't allow him to use it. I suppose you could go through all the "one more time and you lose your priveleges" type of thing if you want to. But, it's her computer and he is an adult, not a child, so my reaction would just be to not let him use it anymore. Problem solved.

L

Barbara52

His recovery is his, no one else's. I would leave everything alone, except the computer porn.

Simply because Lord knows just what he might be looking at and the potential for legal problems conveying to your mother, I would help you mother put porn blocking on the computer. Something beyond the normal filters available with Windows, with a password, so that he is stopped in his tracks. I'd be willing to bet he wouldn't ask why he can no longer access porn on Mom's computer.

BohemiMamaof3

Thanks for that. My first reaction was to confront him, but I knew that wasn't right. Then I thought, maybe she/we should just say, without emotion or saying anything else, "We found this and you can't use the computer anymore." But what you said it really best. Not saying anything at all, simply changing the passwords - problem solved.

As for the other stuff, and judging his recovery, not for me to say, I know. I just feel sad about it all. I am always hopeful about his recovery, always thinking someday things might get better and I'd have my brother back. I know that's a fantasy in my own mind, and life is what it is. I am thankful for the things that are. He's alive and reasonably well. I m growing accepting of the things that I can't change, but darn it, I would love to have a close extended family again. And I'm venting and whining today to ya'll.

Taking5

Sorry, but there is no such thing. I work with this with my customers every day, the # of porn sites constantly changes and is totally unregulated (most of it is hosted in eastern Europe). The filters out there filter out obvious words such as t*ts and a@@, but have no way to filter content.

While looking at porn is certainly not a desirable thing it is not illegal.

There are allegedly porn addicts (I don't buy it, I'd have to see someone go into withdrawals or convulsions after 3 days without porn to believe this) but nothing you have related indicates he is one, or that he is a dry drunk.

So I would protect your mom to the degree any 73 year old needs protection like this, and the password change is a good thing. Also porns site are notorious for viruses and malicious software, so a virus scan might be in order.

kelsh

I have a brother that is no longer a child and he is detoxing off of Methametaphine but is still using alcohol. I had not heard from him in three years after my last visit to see him. He lives an eight hour drive away from me.

The last time I was there he had no water, no phone, and the electicity was ready to be shut off. He was getting water in a bucket from the neighbor's house to flush the toilet. He was living in our family home that we made an agreement & some rules to be followed to live there rent free as long as he wanted to. Our Dad left the house to both of us.

I have posted this before...too long for tonight but I did hire a lawyer after two years of not hearing from him...and receiving the back tax & utility bills, some of which I paid to keep the home from going into foreclosure.

Eventually my lawyer sent an eviction notice to him and that was when I found out where and what he was doing. He rented bedrooms to other drug users and the inside of the house looked like the inside of a crack house like I have seen on TV.

The police and the FBI were both there asking questions and almost arrested the contractor I hired to clean out the house for me. I was on my way & the police talked with my husband who let them know that the contractor was supposed to be there and that I should be there in about two hours.

Since I am an alcoholic myself...sober 20 years & still in Recovery with the help of AA...I understand some of what my brother is going through. He sobered up the first time before I did and stayed sober 14 years but when our Mom & Dad were gone he got back into it.....had been very co-dependent on my parents even through two marriages. He told me when I was there when Our Dad died that he didn't have anyone to depend on anymore.

It hurts my heart to see and hear in his voice...the lonliness he feels for his family but with his addictions, he has neglected his own children that are grown adults now. My brother is 67 years old and so sad and depressed but I know I cannot fix him. He has to do that himself. He is living with a friend that has been clean & sober for ten years that is willing to help him get clean & sober. He and I do talk...and he too says he cannot get him to stay clean & sober but I can be here for him when he is ready to do it. I write to my brother now, send a card, or call for him to call me. He called me on July 4th but I could tell he had been drinking. I do not confront him on this at all...he is a grown man and also has had two best friends die from their alcoholism.

The best news of all is that a woman and her daughter walked into our home while we were having a yard sale and wanted to buy the house......so I had my lawyer do the paperwork and it is all signed and we get $800 a month payments for three years and then a balloon payment at the end of three years. I will have all of the back taxes paid off this month and then have to figure out a plan for my payment of the bills and closing on the house that I have put out and then when that is taken care of my brother & I will share $800 a month...but I have to decide if I should put it in some kind of an account or just let him have it with the thought of him getting back into drugs again.

kelsh

BohemiMamaof3

So, if we simply changed the passwords, then he couldn't get on the computer at all.

In my own experience, I have found it to be quite addictive. On one level, disregarding the moral issues, the way it has desensitized some to normal healthy sexuality, and objectifies and often victimizes women and children, beyond all that, it can be likened to junk food. It's rotten for you, it perverts the normal use and urges for sex and relationships. It feeds your body and cultivates a taste for a selfish gratification rather than real human contact and love. OK, sorry about the soapbox. It's just that my brother's old pattern was to get drunk, get high and lock himself in his room with a stack of p*rn.

Yes! Thanks for the reminder. He actually ruined a new computer she had about 5 years ago, it would pop up with those pictures and you couldn't get it to stop until if froze up for good and then died.

BohemiMamaof3

My Mom and I have discussed what to do in a similar situation when she passes away. I would be interested to hear other ideas about how other families have handled this type of thing. Could it be put in a trust fund to pay for housing - so that he would have a place to live, yet could not squander it on drugs and kill himself that way in the process.

Barbara52

Yes, it is in some states and countries.

I did think there should be a way to block sites though. Don't public libraries do that?

LaTeeDa

To the extent possible. Nothing is foolproof and just about anything can be gotten around. I once read that people who try to make things "idiot-proof" generally underestimate the average idiot, LOL.

If it were my computer, I would cut him off from it. It's not an inalienable right to use a computer, after all. Personal responsibility comes into play.

L

Taking5

Barbara,

You are right about some countries. I am sure there are some states that still have archaeic obscenity laws on the books, but no one is going to get busted for looking at porn. Distributing, maybe, but not looking.

Distributing they cannot touch the sites because like I said most are based in eastern Europe.

Libraries do a great job but nothing is foolproof. Like I said there are hundreds of new sited every month. And the knowledge of the folks that run networks for libraries is far, far greater than your average or even talented home user will ever attain. So from a practical standpoint you'll never stop this.

No access to the computer is the best way.

NoelleR

Hey There BohemiMamaof3 ----

You've gotten some good info and suggestions so far....dgillz' was right on terrific.....however.....I believe one thing said may need to be stretched a bit, or added to (per se).....:

dgillz wrote, "...So I would protect your mom to the degree any 73 year old needs protection like this, and the password change is a good thing. Also porns site are notorious for viruses and malicious software, so a virus scan might be in order..."

...and this is a good start....BUT you may also want to check your mom's checking/savings accts, and/or any credit cards (her existing/known ones), and perhaps do a 'credit score' check, in case some new accounts might have been openned in her name....?.....grrrrrr I've worked customer service for TeleCheck (now, now folks, plz stop with the thrown, rotten tomatoes---I way prefer apples; just drop them in the basket by the door....lol), and I've also done work related to collections for some of these sites (along with working with the banks re checking and savings accts and re banks and their issued credit cards.....it's such a mess!!!).

Most of these sites only have brief 'teasers' and then they ask for CC numbers or Bnk no's if the person wants to continue-----and they ain't cheap either......now since this is all done over the internet....there's really no security that the person using these methods of payment is the person to whom these accounts belong.....and straightening THAT out ....... well, you really don't want to know.....(and oh so many were elderly folks who got ripped off by their 'younguns' (big GRRRRRR).

OK, I'm sorry if this was a bit long; I try to be clear when I post here, but sometimes one can get a wee bit ticked off.....not by porn sites, but my elderly mother, before she died, got stuck in a couple of telephone scams (she never got into computers-----thank you, Jesus...lol), and when I read a post like this one, it brings up a lot of old anger/let's get even type of 'tudes in me, and that's not a very good thing....... (o:

Sooooo.....enough of my rambling.....just know that y'all will be in my prayers..... (o:


NoelleR

BohemiMamaof3

Update- When my Mom was cleaning the extra bedroom, she found an empty wine bottle under the dresser.
Do you think we should talk to him?

FormerDoormat

What good would talking to him do? What good did it do in the past? It's difficult to watch a loved one struggle with addiction and be powerless to do anything about it. That's why I chose to separate myself from my boyfriend's addiction by physically separating myself from him. Stressing over his behaviors and how he chose to live his life not only frustrated me and left me unhappy and emotionally wrought, but it affected my health, too.

My aunt was an alcoholic and prescription drug addict for many years. Eventually she found sobriety via NA and AA. She attended meetings daily for the last 30 years of her life. She never had a single slip and took her sobriety very seriously. But try as she might, she was never able to find happiness. That may simply be part of addiction. She died a few months ago from lung cancer (smoked like a fiend and could never give that up). My mother and sister took on the chore of packing her things and selling her home. While in the midst of this, they found years of journals she'd kept. They were very dark, depressing, and showed the depths of her despair.

Outside, she seemed relatively happy and well adjusted, but inside she lived a life of great pain. I think mental illness is common with addicts and they use their drug of choice to medicate themselves.

Perhaps your brother isn't behaving immorally. Perhaps he's simply much more ill than he appears and he's learned to hide it well. My aunt never found peace and happiness on earth. I believe she's in a better place now and she's finally at peace. Lord knows, she deserves it.

BohemiMamaof3

Talking to him is one sided. He usually says nothing. But sometimes he does.

I think that parents and siblings of alcoholics are somewhat different in that we have a family connection that will always be there. And I mean no disrespect to the bonds of love and the stregnth of feeling that boyfriends/girlfriends feel toward each other.

I mourn for my little brother. I would love to see him have a happy life. I don't want that life for him. I cannot make him want that, he has to want it for himself. But darn it, I'm sad over it. Why can't he see? Why can't he let go? I'm venting here, I don't want him to have a sad, miserable life. It's like the brass ring is right there, withing his reach, all he has to do is grab it! Instead he grabs all the crap (pardon me) and ugly stuff that further boggs him down in the mire of his addictions and unhappiness. Or this is a temperory setback and I'm overreacting. Or he is mentally ill... or I'm a co-de mess today.

Silverberry1331

I believe this is the other side to addiction. There is the user and the rescuer. It is like two sides of the same coin. These are the anguishing questions that everyone asks themselves. I ask the same thing about my AH. He is about to lose everything and still drinks and drugs.

Remember that God embraces your brother in the exact same way that He embraces you. God knows what your brother needs are and will not forsake him (Isaiah 65:24). However, since we have been given the gift of free will, it is up to your brother to answer the door. You have already answered your door. The good thing is that God won't stop knocking on your brother's door. So ultimately, we need to get out of God's way. It is very easy to want to react and make rescue attempts. My suggestion to you is pray. Pray for the strength to trust God and rely on His timing and plan. What your brother will do is unknown, but you may be able to use this experience to draw closer to Him in your walk. I find in my codie recovery, I tend to say, "yes, God, I trust you, except with this one little thing." Experiences such as these show me where MY faith needs to be built up. I learn to let go and let God in another area that I hadn't before.

I am praying for you and your family. :praying