OverItNow

I see a lot of wonderful ladies and gentlemen here who seem to have found this enlightenment/inner peace/"everything is gonna be alright" knowledge that I would like. Lately, I have been having a hard time with an overwhelming feeling of fighting the clock and regret over past mistakes/missed opportunities. It's this crazy feeling like skipping all the steps to get to a place and just being there.

I have also been reading a lot about the power of the present, etc. Do you think it's true that everything happens for a reason? How do I know that the guy in the grocery store should have been my soul mate or that job that I didn't take years because I didn't want to be away from AH would have been the perfect one? I know you can't go back and I suppose the answers to those questions wouldn't help me, but I guess I'm just lacking in the faith department.

I am taking the steps to make my life better. I am working on plans, have fully detached from AH's behavior, etc. But there seems to be no action and I feel that I've wasted so much time that I'm missing out on everything going on. I cannot act rashly--I don't have that luxury, but I have such fear lately that I missed one too many opportunities and have used up all my chances.

I am betting I am not the only person in the world who is feeling or felt this. Just looking for some clarity and peace I suppose. Thank you.

NeedHappiness

OverIt, it took me well over a year to FINALLY do what was right for ME. I was a total basket case by the time I asked my XABF to leave. I got hives all the time, was on nerve pills, anti-depressants, always crying, always PO'd about something, always monitoring his drinking, always wondering what I was going to go home to, always worried about HIS problems and HIS downfalls........
Sometimes it takes us awhile to get a grip on the REAL situation and that us codies are just as sick as the A's in our life. I have stepped back and took a long, hard look at myself and what I have went through (LET myself go through) for many many years. This past ABF was not the first man with addiction problems I let into my life to "fix".
You are not the only person in this world who has felt the way you are feeling now. At one point I truly wondered WHY AM I HERE? These man that I had so much faith in and had loved had not turned out the way I dreamed they would and I went from one bad relationship to another, never really understanding why I was having such "bad luck". I had wasted so many years of my life trying to find happiness. I came to understand that it had nothing to do with luck, it was ME and my behaviors that was putting me in the situations. These men did not become addicts after they met me, there were addicts long before I came along!
Don't be so hard on yourself about possible regrets. You can't change a thing from your past but you CAN change things from right now and forward. I have to practice the same with myself. Lots of us do. Just hang in there, work on YOU and do things to make YOU feel good. That is truly what started opening my eyes to a new way of thinking. I took the focus off HIM and put it on ME.
Keep your chin up and be patient.
In my situation, he is gone, I feel better day by day, and NOTHING has changed with him! He's STILL drinking, still out of a job, STILL living and mooching off someone else. But, my new motto is: IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

Barbara52

It took me a great deal of time, effort, self examination and pain to get where I am. I was where you are now before that work. Now I am healthier and can speak of the past without the associated pain, frustration, etc. I don't think I could have skipped any of the steps I have been through and come out with the same results. I had to take the painful looks inside my head to understand the whys so I could work on creating the new me.

As to the feeling of missed opportunities, heck even the healthiest person in the world has to look back some times and wonder "what if" about any number of things. It can be an exercise that leads to better or different choices going forward so isn't all bad. But if looking back only involves thinking about having missed out on X, its not terribly productive thinking.

I don't think there is a limit on the number of chances we get to improve our lives. My personal belief is that God wants us all to have the best life possible and will present us with opportunities to get to where He wants us to go to have that good life. I think that if we ignore the chances that are presented, we feel uncomfortable with where we are and will find another way to get to where we are meant to be. I don't think God gives up on us.

I'm not so sure that everything happens for a reason in all cases. That's kind of approaching predestination in my mind and I do not believe in that really. Or it may be that yes there is a reason but we don't have to know what that reason may be or that the reason may not directly relate to us. Its a confusing sort of subject for me really.

I do have absolute trust in God and do indeed let things go when they are things out die of my control especially. My faith journey has taken me many years to get to that point of trust though. Its been a long time coming.

theotherone

Take a deep breath...you have alot of life ahead of you. Hindsight is 20/20, I prefer not to look back...only forward. I have been playing this game for 19 years almost and I see hope. There will always be "highs" and "lows"...that's life. It didn't happen overnight, I know I will not be able to "fix it" overnight. But everyday, with the help of Alanon, a good couselor, friends, family and of course this BB I continue to move forward (even falter every now and then), while learning to make me better. Alot of it is attitude and perseverance for me.

Mair

I agree with theotherone, look forward, you cant change whats been, but you can change the here and now. I tried to rush my recovery, i couldnt wait to feel better, really embrace evry feeling whether it be hurt, lonliness, guilt, happiness each emotion makes you stronger in yourself. By going through the motions i learnt a LOT about me. And im sure in time you too will feel the same. By the way you are doing just fine.

Mair

OverItNow

Thank you above for your replies. I am absolutely thankful for what I've been through--it has made me a better person. The feeling I struggle with is akin to being a diabetic (which I am) in a candy store. It's like this feeling of having the blinders taken off after living a certain way and wanting everything you see. I look around me and say I want all of this--I just want it NOW. I know what my two year old feels like. I don't want to wait anymore and but I have to slow my mind down to do what needs to be done to get there. I just don't have the faith to really believe that where I am is where I need to be, and all that other calm, enlightening stuff I should be feeling.

LaTeeDa

I was hesitant to post on this thread because I can't tell you how to find what you are looking for. It can only come from within you. Also, it's hard for me to explain the complete and total transformation I have experienced, since it is all inside me and I still appear exactly the same to the outside world.

But, maybe something I can share might point you in the direction you want to go.

I have discovered that "who I am" has nothing to do with what I look like, where I've been, the experiences I've had, or my hopes and dreams for the future. I am a vibrant, alive, human being who right now is on a journey and an adventure called life.

I am no *less* important than any other human being on this planet, and I am also no *more* important than any other human being on this planet. My soul is here right now in this body to experience what it means to be human. I have no idea where it has been before me, and no idea where it will go after me, and it's really not all that important anyway. I am to the universe as a single cell is to a body. One small but very important piece of an amazing whole.

I choose to live in the now, because that is all there is. When the past happened--it was now. When the future gets here--it will be now. If I spend my now fretting over the past, or worrying about the future, I am squandering my life because life happens NOW.

This is not something that just came to me one day when the clouds opened up and a bright light shined down on my head. I have come to this point through a lot of reading, therapy, self-relfection, journaling, and less than joyous moments.

Don't give up. All it takes to get peace is the determination to get it.

L

OverItNow

Thank you LTD for your post--it did help very much!

Bamboozle

I don't believe in fate, but I do believe in cause and effect. IE: Drinking all the time leads to one crappy life. I too wish I could skip over everything and have my life be all bunnies and kittens. Some day I will get there and stay there. One step at a time. Take it easy.

DesertEyes

Hi there Overit

I'm sorry you're going thru such confusion.

As others have mentioned, all that calm enlightening stuff doesn't happen all of a sudden. It sure didn't for me. I lost my marriage of 20 years, my business, my home, my dad, my uncle, an aunt and I found out I have a terminal disease. All in about 5 months. I _really_ didn't feel that I was going to learn some cosmic lesson from all that.

In fact, I was rather displeased with my HP.

What I have learned is that what I make of a situation is _my_ decision. I can decide to make these hardships into something that will make me stronger, or I can choose to let them break me.

Last Xmas I needed surgery. I have a _seriously_ bad history with hospitals. I've been in them way too many times, and honestly, I was scared witless. I have heard in my meets that a hardship is an opportunity to help somebody else. I never understood that, but I decided that I had seen lots of people share their hardships and feel better from having done so.

I went ahead and shared in a meet just how scared I really was, and how I could really use a little support. People were wonderfuly nice. I did feel better, and I went ahead and had the surgery.

It went horribly wrong, I wound up in ICU for days and I will not ever recover completely.

There was this young man who'd just started in AA. He was one of those super-macho types, very big, muscled up like Ahnold the Governator, and just struggling to get a hold of sobriety. He came to me after I shared and said that he never really believed in the whole recovery thing until he heard me admit to fear in front of a room full of people. Today he is doing great, has taken to recovery like fire and is a fine example for other young guys just coming in. Another guy came up to me. He's an ex Navy Seal, as tough and macho as they come. He said that if I had the guts to face my disease I was good enough to be his sponsor.

I never, in my wildest dreams, expected that my hardship would touch these guys' lives. But it has. Not because of any great virtue on my part, but because I was willing to do the recovery thing and share in a meeting.

There's this support group from the AHA I am involved in, and I have been able to share a little of the program wisdom with a group of folks who have far greater hardships than I. And that wisdom has touched their lives as well.

Completely unknown to me, all my hardships have given me a different perspective on life. Something that I would _never_ have gained if my life had simply gone along the way it was. Now, I certainly would rather not have learned all these things. I would rather have stayed in my simple little life in California. That, however, was not an option. These things _did_ happen, and recovery as shown me how to _make_ them into positive growth for me.

I never believed that I was where I "needed" to be. I never believed that hardship would make me stronger. What I did believe is that others before me had _made_ hardship into growth, and if they could then so could I.

Mike

Spiritual Seeker

" have used up all my chances. "

As long as you are breathing you have more chances.
Ea. day is a new beginning to create the day we want, the life we want.

Spiritual awakening can come in many forms, but it is a process/ a journey.
Seeking, willingness to change, surrender and action are part of this process.
Sometimes a mentor is helpful or a program.
For me it started with al-anon and surrounding myself with like-minded seekers.