Newbee. Husband on a bing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 9
Newbee. Husband on a bing
Hi I have been reading your posts for a few days now and it has helped me a lot. My AH likes to bing drink. it is now happening more often.
Has been drinking since Sat. night. Vodka, Gin, Wine.
I used to hide the money after 3 days and found that after shouting at me for a day (he gets one credit at the shop) the next day he would stop.
This time I didnt - couldnt face the shouting so have left the money around and he just keeps getting more booze.
Did I do the right thing? He just came back with a bottle of Vodka and I know it will still be there in the morning so that will be a week of drinking.
He seems to have now got in a pattern of dinging every month or so and inbetween just drinking Sat eve.
I am stupid since I know all about Alanon (was with a drug addict) but this one crept up and before I knew what was happening I realised he had a drinking problem.
Has been drinking since Sat. night. Vodka, Gin, Wine.
I used to hide the money after 3 days and found that after shouting at me for a day (he gets one credit at the shop) the next day he would stop.
This time I didnt - couldnt face the shouting so have left the money around and he just keeps getting more booze.
Did I do the right thing? He just came back with a bottle of Vodka and I know it will still be there in the morning so that will be a week of drinking.
He seems to have now got in a pattern of dinging every month or so and inbetween just drinking Sat eve.
I am stupid since I know all about Alanon (was with a drug addict) but this one crept up and before I knew what was happening I realised he had a drinking problem.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
Good job on stopping some of the controlling behaviors.
Does your H have a job or are you the fiscally responsible party? It truly sounds like a nightmare to be with someone who drinks that often and that much.
I would definitely recommend Alanon meetings for you.
I was very young when I met my H and we all drank then. I didn't figure it out for a while that he was a drunk, and by then I loved him. Never having been around alcoholism, I was definitely an enabler.
Welcome and ((((((( hugs )))))))))!
Does your H have a job or are you the fiscally responsible party? It truly sounds like a nightmare to be with someone who drinks that often and that much.
I would definitely recommend Alanon meetings for you.
I was very young when I met my H and we all drank then. I didn't figure it out for a while that he was a drunk, and by then I loved him. Never having been around alcoholism, I was definitely an enabler.
Welcome and ((((((( hugs )))))))))!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 9
We dont have jobs at the moment. Living in a little remote village in Europe. Living of savings for a year out - should be trying to right a book and mellow out. We planned this for a long time and both very excited about it. No Alanon - I did go for a year with my ex who was on drugs and managed to get him out of my life 4 years ago.
Has taken me a whole year to realize that he has a problem and now quite shocked with myself that I didnt believe it before. He always had an excuse and all the crying after that it will never happen again blah blah.... It was all so gradual
Never really been much of a drinker and when we were living in the States seemed like all our friends liked to party too much. But this binge thing started to happen and now it seems routine. He can of course be so sweet for the 3 normal weeks - cooking etc and then I can feel his tension building and he will drink 2 evenings on the 3rd week then bang - like he suddenly cant stop.
From Alanon I realised I was a bit of a control freak and did so well and know I will cope again, just such a bummer to let the situation really sink in.
Thanks to everyone on these posts - really helped me remember and acknowledge that there is something wrong and that I need to start taking action for myself.
Has taken me a whole year to realize that he has a problem and now quite shocked with myself that I didnt believe it before. He always had an excuse and all the crying after that it will never happen again blah blah.... It was all so gradual
Never really been much of a drinker and when we were living in the States seemed like all our friends liked to party too much. But this binge thing started to happen and now it seems routine. He can of course be so sweet for the 3 normal weeks - cooking etc and then I can feel his tension building and he will drink 2 evenings on the 3rd week then bang - like he suddenly cant stop.
From Alanon I realised I was a bit of a control freak and did so well and know I will cope again, just such a bummer to let the situation really sink in.
Thanks to everyone on these posts - really helped me remember and acknowledge that there is something wrong and that I need to start taking action for myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya crazylady--
I hope you're leaving money around that YOU can afford to leave around! You don't want to be controlling but you also don't want to put YOURSELF in harm's way by not protecting yourself financially. That's giving away power.
Sounds pretty serious, what you're dealing with. And you're living in Europe and trying to write!! What a marvelous experience! Can you stay focused on your original plan and keep to your writing schedule?? I know, it is so hard to have the discipline and detachment while his drinking is stirring up all the chaos that drinking stirs up...sending you prayers for strength!! Take care of yourself!
Peace,
B.
I hope you're leaving money around that YOU can afford to leave around! You don't want to be controlling but you also don't want to put YOURSELF in harm's way by not protecting yourself financially. That's giving away power.
Sounds pretty serious, what you're dealing with. And you're living in Europe and trying to write!! What a marvelous experience! Can you stay focused on your original plan and keep to your writing schedule?? I know, it is so hard to have the discipline and detachment while his drinking is stirring up all the chaos that drinking stirs up...sending you prayers for strength!! Take care of yourself!
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 9
Thnkx for my replies.
I tell you it is hard for me to realise that this has got so bad.
I am still in some denial and so want it to work out for us.
V. hard to write. I have got back on the rollercoaster of an addict with out realising that I had stepped on it. The week after a bing (only been here 3 months) I am scared he will do it again but at the same time the relief that the build up stress of not knowing when it will happen is over for a few weeks. He will be so sad. Promise me the world. Wants to stop drinking etc. Week 2 I am relaxed enough to write and crazy enough to think all is going to be ok this time. He wouldnt do that again. Then week 3 I notice the drinking amount increasing so cant write.
Still not sure about the money - he is taking the money from the change jar this time because I have his debit card. - not good I guess. In the past when all the money is hidden he will stop the next day and then say that he didnt want to drink any more anyway. But we will go thru our savings quicker with all this booze every month. I guess I should not controll and let him drink until he is good and done - kinda scared though that they may not happen for awhile if he can keep getting it. He usually stops when his body is too sick to go to the store..oh i am rambling sorry.
I tell you it is hard for me to realise that this has got so bad.
I am still in some denial and so want it to work out for us.
V. hard to write. I have got back on the rollercoaster of an addict with out realising that I had stepped on it. The week after a bing (only been here 3 months) I am scared he will do it again but at the same time the relief that the build up stress of not knowing when it will happen is over for a few weeks. He will be so sad. Promise me the world. Wants to stop drinking etc. Week 2 I am relaxed enough to write and crazy enough to think all is going to be ok this time. He wouldnt do that again. Then week 3 I notice the drinking amount increasing so cant write.
Still not sure about the money - he is taking the money from the change jar this time because I have his debit card. - not good I guess. In the past when all the money is hidden he will stop the next day and then say that he didnt want to drink any more anyway. But we will go thru our savings quicker with all this booze every month. I guess I should not controll and let him drink until he is good and done - kinda scared though that they may not happen for awhile if he can keep getting it. He usually stops when his body is too sick to go to the store..oh i am rambling sorry.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It's not rambling-- sometimes it is good to write out what we are thinking and then we go *ding* OH! So that's what's REALLY going on.
Denial is a powerful foe to vanquish. Sometimes we don't want to face reality because we wrongly assume it means more stress, more pain, more work all about others. But when I look at things head-on as they REALLY are and I use the tools available through AlAnon or any other program, or therapy, I actually feel a lessening of stress, an easing of pain, because now I can take action on things that I can do, that I can change, and stop obsessing or worrying about things I have absolutely no control over.
His behaviors, his moods, his drinking seem to be setting the tone for YOUR life. Maybe make a plan, just for today, to detach enough that whatever segment of the roller coaster he's on you're not going along for the ride...
Glad you're here on SR!
Peace,
B.
Denial is a powerful foe to vanquish. Sometimes we don't want to face reality because we wrongly assume it means more stress, more pain, more work all about others. But when I look at things head-on as they REALLY are and I use the tools available through AlAnon or any other program, or therapy, I actually feel a lessening of stress, an easing of pain, because now I can take action on things that I can do, that I can change, and stop obsessing or worrying about things I have absolutely no control over.
His behaviors, his moods, his drinking seem to be setting the tone for YOUR life. Maybe make a plan, just for today, to detach enough that whatever segment of the roller coaster he's on you're not going along for the ride...
Glad you're here on SR!
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 9
Hi Bernadett. I am trying so hard but I just want to cry. Writting and reading on here is helping me from going crazy.
He just resurfaced from the bedroom naked and crashed on the kitchen floor for half an hour. Talking about ready to end it.
These last 3 months he has told me that he realises that he has a problem (kept saying he didnt before) and has been reading help books on how to stop drinking but getting more depressed each time he does it again.
Yes his drinking is setting the tone for my life. Read my own post and sadley learnt that one.
Hate it when he is awake as it seems like he sits there thinking of what he needs next and demands i get it for him. Like a 2 yr old throwing a tantrum until he gets what he wants.
Trying not to engage with him. On Sunday I couldnt keep my mouth shut and we had a massive loud fight that got a little scary.
Hate it when he has not controll of his body and is crashing all over the house. He already has a cut on his arm from this last resurface. Holly **** it is going to be a long night and all that Vodka left so will continue the next day too - thats a week then.
He just resurfaced from the bedroom naked and crashed on the kitchen floor for half an hour. Talking about ready to end it.
These last 3 months he has told me that he realises that he has a problem (kept saying he didnt before) and has been reading help books on how to stop drinking but getting more depressed each time he does it again.
Yes his drinking is setting the tone for my life. Read my own post and sadley learnt that one.
Hate it when he is awake as it seems like he sits there thinking of what he needs next and demands i get it for him. Like a 2 yr old throwing a tantrum until he gets what he wants.
Trying not to engage with him. On Sunday I couldnt keep my mouth shut and we had a massive loud fight that got a little scary.
Hate it when he has not controll of his body and is crashing all over the house. He already has a cut on his arm from this last resurface. Holly **** it is going to be a long night and all that Vodka left so will continue the next day too - thats a week then.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Hi Lady,
I am sorry to hear that you are hurting.
We all know what you are going through. I am relatively new here also. My AH doesn't binge drink...he sneak drinks, but anyway it is done is devastating. It took me a while to come to grips with accepting the truth. Each day is a step. I say, don't put so much pressure on yourself at the moment. The moment I began my recovery from co-dependency, I suddenly was thinking way ahead of myself--where is this relationship going to go, etc. Each day will bring a new realization about yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
In the meantime, keep posting, read some of the other posts...I have gained so much insight from everyone...and it is a safe place. From across the pond...I am praying for you.
I am sorry to hear that you are hurting.
We all know what you are going through. I am relatively new here also. My AH doesn't binge drink...he sneak drinks, but anyway it is done is devastating. It took me a while to come to grips with accepting the truth. Each day is a step. I say, don't put so much pressure on yourself at the moment. The moment I began my recovery from co-dependency, I suddenly was thinking way ahead of myself--where is this relationship going to go, etc. Each day will bring a new realization about yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
In the meantime, keep posting, read some of the other posts...I have gained so much insight from everyone...and it is a safe place. From across the pond...I am praying for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 9
I do have to remember tiny steps. Just wish he would stay asleep. Every time he wakes up he stumbles out and demands more things. Still naked - him not me :-)
Silverberry - yes you hit the nail on the head. I am thinking too far ahead. Will we break up, where will we live, will he really kill himself if i leave him. All things that I dont need to be thinking about tonight. Just need to not get drawn into any of this talk since he is always trying to get me to fight with him (when he is drunk). He takes pills for anxiety and just came out demanding them. I have hidden them due the the mumblings of wanting to die. Luckily he is still pretty sloshed on the vodka so crashed again on the bed. His side is soaking wet - he tried to get a glass of water of the shelf and it all fell all over him. oh some moments of joy!
Silverberry - yes you hit the nail on the head. I am thinking too far ahead. Will we break up, where will we live, will he really kill himself if i leave him. All things that I dont need to be thinking about tonight. Just need to not get drawn into any of this talk since he is always trying to get me to fight with him (when he is drunk). He takes pills for anxiety and just came out demanding them. I have hidden them due the the mumblings of wanting to die. Luckily he is still pretty sloshed on the vodka so crashed again on the bed. His side is soaking wet - he tried to get a glass of water of the shelf and it all fell all over him. oh some moments of joy!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 9
Woke you this morning and re read my posts - was shocked that i even did post.
AH drank the rest of his Vodka today and has been in the bed for the most part. He just drank the last of the Vodka. When he wakes up he will accuse me of tipping it out. Only hope is that he is unable to walk to the bar or store duing the next 6 hours because after that they are all closed until Monday. Umm 6 hours he will be sober by then. Oh well its up to him.
I thought about writing today but just wasnt in the mood. Spent most of the day surfing this site.
Gave me some feeling of comfort to read about other people in same situation and others that have moved on.
Have tried to work on my mind a bit today and have been for the most part very calm.
Please wish me luck tonight - he is either going to be going crazy trying to get more booze before the bars shut or sick as a dog!
Thanks everyone
AH drank the rest of his Vodka today and has been in the bed for the most part. He just drank the last of the Vodka. When he wakes up he will accuse me of tipping it out. Only hope is that he is unable to walk to the bar or store duing the next 6 hours because after that they are all closed until Monday. Umm 6 hours he will be sober by then. Oh well its up to him.
I thought about writing today but just wasnt in the mood. Spent most of the day surfing this site.
Gave me some feeling of comfort to read about other people in same situation and others that have moved on.
Have tried to work on my mind a bit today and have been for the most part very calm.
Please wish me luck tonight - he is either going to be going crazy trying to get more booze before the bars shut or sick as a dog!
Thanks everyone
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey crazylady--
Can you make a plan for tonight?
Go see a movie or visit friends on your own? A front row seat to the insanity you know will take place is no fun and unhealthy!
Sending you a shot of courage and strength!!
Peace-
B.
P.S. Have you ever read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? I know for me that was a real eye opener....and a help!
Can you make a plan for tonight?
Go see a movie or visit friends on your own? A front row seat to the insanity you know will take place is no fun and unhealthy!
Sending you a shot of courage and strength!!
Peace-
B.
P.S. Have you ever read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? I know for me that was a real eye opener....and a help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 9
thanks Bernadette. My plan is to stay on this site reading.
Living in a tiny village in a valley - no movies. Do have one downloaded that I can watch. Will take the dog out for a long walk when it cools down outside.
Will have a look at the book. Again thank you
Living in a tiny village in a valley - no movies. Do have one downloaded that I can watch. Will take the dog out for a long walk when it cools down outside.
Will have a look at the book. Again thank you
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Lady,
My AH also has a problem with pills as well. He takes Oxycodone and Soma from pain management clinics. I know how you feel about hiding the pills. Yes, take baby steps. Worrying about the future and how you will handle it is too much. When I started to live for the day and focus more on myself (I am no where near an expert on this), I began to dream of what my life can be like without the drama. Eventually, left it to my HP to give me insight about where to go next. My HP led me to leave him, which is our next step now. However, everyone is guided differently. If I would have just said I am going to make all these decisions now, I would have had a major anxiety attack. I found that the more I opened up to myself and my HP, the more was revealed in tiny manageable chunks...the next step didn't come to me until I was able to digest the previous step.
Stay strong....:ghug3
My AH also has a problem with pills as well. He takes Oxycodone and Soma from pain management clinics. I know how you feel about hiding the pills. Yes, take baby steps. Worrying about the future and how you will handle it is too much. When I started to live for the day and focus more on myself (I am no where near an expert on this), I began to dream of what my life can be like without the drama. Eventually, left it to my HP to give me insight about where to go next. My HP led me to leave him, which is our next step now. However, everyone is guided differently. If I would have just said I am going to make all these decisions now, I would have had a major anxiety attack. I found that the more I opened up to myself and my HP, the more was revealed in tiny manageable chunks...the next step didn't come to me until I was able to digest the previous step.
Stay strong....:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 9
Thanks Silverberry. Will do the baby steps - more like insect steps really. But will get there in the end. I just get so pissed off and want to scream at him. Infact did do a couple of times but he didnt remember. He went out and got beer from somewhere this morning. Said he didnt get enough and then crashed. Now he has eaten and crashed again - guess trying to sober up before the bars open later.
Find I have to hide the pills so that he doesnt take too many - he forgets that he has taken them and then gets mad at me when I wont give him another one. Is that controlling - dont want him to take the lot which he tried to do one time.
Going to meditate and then read.
Find I have to hide the pills so that he doesnt take too many - he forgets that he has taken them and then gets mad at me when I wont give him another one. Is that controlling - dont want him to take the lot which he tried to do one time.
Going to meditate and then read.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
