SadlyLost

He relapsed...again. Is out on the streets...again. Have not heard from him since Monday. Things is, this time I knew... I knew in my gut he was up to something. Even when I asked him, he lied to me.

He was doing so well...even got a full time job, which he now has not shown up for all week. Pretty much got that first paycheck and ran. What is it about 30 days? He always makes it to 30 and then crumbles.

I am OK..angry mainly. Angry that he is doing this to me, to us, to our baby AGAIN. Her first birthday is in 2 weeks and more than likely, he will not be there.

*sigh* and yet, I still don't know if I should leave him should he come back. This sucks.

rozied

OMGoodness Sadlylost, I am looking at your situation from the wisdom I gained through 61 yrs of living. What are you wondering about. You remind me so much of me when I was 19 yrs old. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler. I left him 9 times the 1st time I married him, then I divorced him. Then I remarried him until divorcing him for good when I was 27. I sat alone with my little son more times than I can count waiting for him to come home..............................it never got better even though when I remarried him there was a period of 2 yrs when he stopped gambling, got & kept a job & brought the money home to pay the bills. It lasted till Off Track Betting opened.
I loved him so very much. I thought I could never love another the way I loved him. I found out the hard way love is not enough.
I went bk to college & raised my 2 sons alone. I never recieved any child supoport as he never wked on the books. After 10 yrs on my own I met & married my present husband & we will be married 24 yrs this Nov.
Not long ago ( about 6 mts now ) my ex called me after almost 30 yrs of not hearing from him. He had gone from gambling to drugs before getting clean at age 58. He is 63 now & trying to build a life for himself. He called cuz he wanted to try & build a relationship with his 2 sons.....................Yes he told me he had hated himself & wasn't capable of loving anyone else. I am so thankful I ended it when I did.
Love must be unconditional if it is to last a lifetime. If there is anything he does that you cannot live with there is no use continuing. If you cannot accept him exactely the way he is it will never last. Love, the kind of love that lasts, must be between 2 equals. Nothing you can do or say will change him until he decides he needs to change.
Wishing you all the best,
Diane

rozied

Duplicate Post Sorry

Freedom1990

You're not half as mad at him as you are at yourself for believing in him again.

As time goes on, we codependents lower the bar of standards more and more and more, and often don't even realize it.

I finally accepted domestic abuse, numerous affairs, and letting my daughter live in the midst of all that crap.

It's a gradual and insidious process.

My fear of letting go of him overrode any sort of sanity on my part, or making any decisions that were best for my daughter and myself, not him.

All these years later I look back, and my heart aches for that shell of a woman I once was, no self-esteem, subjecting her child to the worst of conditions, the screaming, psychosis, the beatings and the insanity.

I didn't know I had a choice.

Today I do have a choice, and I no longer have to be a willing participant in the insanity of someone's addiction, and that includes both of my now grown daughters.

When we don't know any better, we are victims.

Once we become educated and know we don't have to put up with it yet continue to, we willingly dance the dance of insanity with the addict

Lem

Honey - you need to RUN. I KNOW how vulnerable you are feeling right now. I was right where you were at one and a half years ago. Well - this time, when my son's second birthday came - his dad - just after coming off a binge wanted to see him. I said HELL no.

To think that I thought I couldn't do it alone. To think that I thought putting my one year old through the insanity for another year hurts me - fortunately at that age, they really will not remember so much. However, in retrospect, I probably had to go through all that crap, anger, disappointment, self pity, insanity, etc which living with him and "supporting" him caused me to do - otherwise I would not have hit my bottom and finally moved out shortly after my son turned 2.

I finally have peace again - and don't have to let his relapses cause me personal destruction. Obviously, you are a strong woman and you will take care of your child no matter what. He in incapable of doing that. My CH has rarely provided me with any financial assistance over the last 8 months and ended up filing bankruptcy. He now has 30 days clean, but really - does that mean anything? Who knows - maybe "this time" it does. But I am not holding my breath.

I remember being SO angry - and allowing that anger to eat me up because it was the one thing that gave me strength enough to keep on going and providing for my son. See if there is anyway to get to an al-anon or nar-anon (NOT narCanon) meeting - some of them have child care. Be strong. You will get through this.

((((hugs))))

SadlyLost

This is his second relapse in about 3 months...this was his second sober living home. The one thing I have done, is protected my child. No way was/is he going near her unless he was sober for over a week and in active recovery and only then he could spend time with her so long as I was there. And I would not live with him again until he had been sober at least 6 months.

My thing is... and what always makes me go back is that he is amazing when he is sober. He's the man I fell in love with again. The addict though, the addict is mean, thoughtless, selfish, just the complete opposite...if he was a horrible person all together...then I would never take him back...but there is always the tiniest bit of hope in me that hey, maybe this time he can do it...and so back I go and for awhile, it is like it was before the addiction.

I know he will call again..he always does. I know I have to let him fall. For the first time in this whole addiction process I am OK with all of that. I know this is his choice. It's the what comes next part that I just don't know what to do with.

Edit: I also want to mention he does not know where I live. I moved out of my mom's where he used to come find me every time he said he was ready to recover. Now he knows the area I live in...but not where. Lucky for me it's Hollywood so it's not like he can just knock on a few doors and find me.

JMFburns

SadlyLost,

Welcome to SR. I do not have experience w/a significant other, but just thought of something while reading your post, the responses and a phone call with my AS.

If they (addicts) are serious about their recovery, stay clean, work a program, get jobs, get on their own dang feet and stay that way without any assistance from us, maybe we would be more inclined to have some faith in them. I getting on my soap box here . . . Family & Friends unite and stand up to the addicts, set our boundaries and stick to them!

Take care of yourself and get to a face to face Alanon or Nar-Anon if you can - they help.

SadlyLost

Ughhh... He has already called twice. I am at work and I am rattled because he is losing his mind. He is hallucinating again and has created scenarios that he belives are real. He just swore up and down that he has already seen me kissing two other guys (a common theme for him to hallucinate about when he seems to be actively using), oh and...I have the whole San Fernando Valley police team chasing him around and that because of me, he will get killed cause no place is safe.

Before I would have left work to go find him, but not this time. I am staying here, maybe a bit shaken, but I need to do what he is not and that is support and make sure our daughter is taken care of and make sure that for her sake, at least one of us is not going crazy.

beegee

Not sure if I should say this but..I have a friend who is verbally abused and physically. She says But he is so nice and good to me when he is isn't being a jerk. Every week it is the same story and one day I am afraid her days will end.
You need to step away and decide if you want to spend the best years of your life and your childs wondering where is is, when he will come home, is he alive? Read some of these posts here woman, your husband is not different. You child needs your attention and love now. Leave while you can and start a new life for the two of you. I know it sounds hard but the pain ahead is worse with him till he wants help and he doesn't.

Abundance

Glad you are sharing here.... sometimes we find ourselves answering our own questions... and the ESH is right on!!!!


Here is what you said....... That next part ... is something you will come to. You will hit YOUR bottom.

What I told me abf last night was .... that next time he relapses... I do not right now have a boundary or consequence I can set in place, because I don't know how strong I will be in my recovery. However, I will be battling with the right and wrong aspect and again... it depends where I am in my recovery... if this last time I will say....... I have had enough. I can not give him an empty ultimatum..... I lose self-respect that way. So.... what I am doing for ME... is staying in my recovery..... working at it harder now more than I was before.... so that I will be even more ready the next time I am faced with this.

Hit up some face to face meetings...... al-anon is what I do.....even though I'm dealing with an addict.... it's the same thing...... especially because what I have found is that at least half of the folks in there are too!

(((((HUGS)))))))

Lem

You are very much in my thoughts and prayers right now SL. And if you are anything like me, you will worry about him all night and freak out, and not sleep well, etc etc - which just makes his path of destruction that much wider. Even when my CH seems to get time sober, it's like he doesn't even remember all the crap he pulled (or at least he acts like he doesn't) - and believe me, he was the nicest, sweetest guy when he was clean for over two years - but now, I don't know. Believe me when I say this - if he is hallucinating and losing his mind right now (which I have been through more times than I can count) - he is smoking a LOT of crack - and he is also probably starting to come down. At least that is what mine always did - I wouldn't hear from him for as long as seven days at a time - and when he finally did call, it was exactly the SAME thing - i must be having an affair; he is miserable; he is sorry; he'll never do it again. And then when he REALLY starts coming down - he gets vicious, angry and mean. That drug messes with their brain chemistry - hardcore. And, it does not go away. I've noticed in my CH that he was always sort of paranoid - but I knew him clean and sober and just thought - oh I guess that's what it's like if you grow up in California. Now, his paranoia even sober is much worse - he has damaged his brain and I don't know if there is any way he can possibly stay clean.

In any case, if really wants to find you, he'll just follow you home from work and/or daycare - so be strong and call the cops immediately if he does this. Make sure your house is totally secure at night - and if he comes peeking in the windows - again IMMEDIATELY call the cops. Get a record going, just in case you need it later.

But the bottom line is this - these CHs can get sober for YEARS at a time. Then ten years later - BOOM; all over again - the same patterns; back in sober living; financial destruction; no job; etc. Do you want to be 10 years later - going through this SAME thing? If he's relapsed multiple times in the last three months, he has a lot more relapses in him. It'll probably go on for a good year AT LEAST - and then MAYBE he'll get some decent time; and then. . .who knows. Some day he might wake up and think he's "cured" and have a beer - which will lead him right back to crack.

You are doing all the right things - and good for you for moving. That was really really hard for me. Believe me - if it is meant to be. . . .it will be. But not at the cost of your sanity and the safety of your child.

I hate this horrible, evil drug. we're here for you.

SadlyLost

I saw him friday, I gave him a letter I wrote...just short and to the point. Pretty much told him I love him but I can't be with him until he helps himself. I included a print out of some number for programs and a picture of our daughter, and just told him I will be there when he's ready.

Fast forward to now...he has been sober for 2 days, he called a couple places, and has an appt monday morning to check himself into an inpatient rehab. I am storing his stuff, that's why I saw him today. He asked me if we were still together, and I told him yes, but I really have to think about continuing. He then said he understood, and that I guess "we both have a lot of searching to do over the next 30-90 days."

Baby steps... for both of us.

IPT

Wish my g/f would actually take those steps. Hopefully he will go Monday morning. Hugs for you both.

solost08

Great job at putting yourself and your daughter first