Rainy

Boy do I feel like a fool today! here I have been writing these fantastic posts about how great things are with H and I, we’re making progress and he’s doing so great. Then like a shot out of nowhere he unloaded on me this weekend because I caught him in a LIE, albeit a small one but a lie is a lie is a lie to me. since my biggest issue with him is trust, any lie is big to me. I confronted him like I am supposed to do, without malicious intent or judgment, rather than hold my feelings inside and stew on them. part of my recovery is to tell people what I am thinking and to do it in a calm manner, rather than wait until it’s festered into something much bigger than what it started out to be and I end up being the one who explodes in anger.
I said simply “if you had told me that the first time I asked you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation now about it again, b/c it’s really not a big deal, I just want you to be honest with me.” the issue was over money. He wanted me to buy him something, I asked him where was his money. He told me 2 diff stories on 2 diff days. First was that he’d left it at the reco house, 2nd story was that he’d loaned it to someone. We’d stopped by there earlier on Sat, hence me thinking he’d probably grabbed it then, which is why I asked the 2nd time.
My mind is filled with confusion and doubt again—I know I didn’t say anything wrong to him, I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. But this isn’t the first time he’s reacted like this to me, and somehow I have rationalized to myself that it’s part of HIS recovery so I accept it. wow, I don’t want to be treated like this. I don’t like being angry and feeling rejected again. Yet I’m letting him, why is that? good stuff for me to ponder and pray about because my mind is consumed with it today, even though I am trying to fight it off.
Thanks for listening,

prettywoman

It is called Co-Dependancy. That is why you allowing this and to treat you like this and that is why you still there when you know you deserve better.

You may want to check out CODA, see if there is group in your town that you can attend .

There is no reason for lies and to be treated bad !

Focus on you and learn what is wrong with you rather than worry about him.

It is so difficult I know ...........I had the guts to leave which is hard to especially still loving my ex. I have been ignoring my heart 100% and totally go with my brain now. I am not going back in any shape or form.

If you had a daughter that had a husband that treats her like this.....what would be your advice to her? just some food for thought. You know what feels wrong and what hurts, so put a stop to it by helping yourself and forget about what he is doing.

Good Luck!! much love!

Rainy

Yes, you are right. The fact that he is in recovery and I have stood by him through this yet again and have also been taking a hard look at myself has possibly blinded me into thinking that things were better than they really are. I’m not ready to make that decision to not ever go back, I love him too much and I have to have faith that this time his recovery is going to be healing for him as well. I just don’t know what to do in the interim—I think I get so excited because I know that I am ready to start tackling the issues of our marriage—I don’t dwell on the past any more, I’m not angry about anything, I have supported him and been so proud of his efforts. I’m sick to my stomach just writing this stuff, because we have been separated for months now, and made the joint agreement that he would go on to a clean and sober house for the next couple of months too, and we should be at a point where we are able to start talking about the marital stuff. So since I feel I am and he obviously is not, I guess it’s time for be to stop being the co-dep and detach some more. So hard some days.

jojo

Rainy -

If your husband is anything like mine, he has always told alot of lies - big and small. I think that it comes with being an alcoholic. I think that the lying would be one of the hardest things for him to let go of because it is so deeply ingrained in him. How do you know if an alcoholic is lying? He is moving his lips!

They lie to cover their a$$es and somehow end up lying about things that don't even matter. Hopefully, the rest of his treatment has sunk in. You catching him in a lie might have made him feel guilty about that kind of behavior and the one he is truly angry with is himself. Have you discussed his need to lie since he has been in treatment? If not, maybe now would be a good time to do so, maybe in the presence of your counsellor.

I'm like you - I hate lying and the trust issue is huge for me too. I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this now and wish better days for you.

Hugs, Jo

still learning

(((Rainy))) Thanks for sharing. You are a wonderful, special woman. You have a right to your feelings. You have a right to say what you feel and a right to stand up for yourself - to be true to yourself - that's what's good for you - to love yourself enough to face what you are really seeing and feeling. Be gentle with yourself as you face facts. I like this title of a book, "Wherever you go, there you are". Seems that's what it comes down to - facing ourselves and being courageous in doing what's good for ourselves. More (((HUGS))).

Rainy

And he told me he gets out this Friday rather than Monday. I asked him how he feels about that, he said he is scared. He's pushing me away from him right now. Our conversation was a bit strained to say the least, I'm still stinging from the blow up the other day, he seemed a little lost.

He said he has an appt Wed for approval into a clean and sober house. I think he's afraid of what's next...and I don't understand why he would distance himself from me but I guess that's the way it is right now.

Pray for him, he needs strength, I see that. I told him I love him and miss him and support his decisions to keep working his program of recovery. What I really want to do is go and get him and tell him to come home and everything will be just fine...but we all know I can NOT do that!

Hoping to find some serenity tonight, it's been an exhausting few days...hugs to all, thanks for your support.

prettywoman

He has to do what he has to do and sometimes that means distance himself from you and or people in his life for a while.
Beleve me when I say that he knows what is going on and he is not proud of that.
He knows you love him now let go with love and concentrate on you.

Sometimes when you do that the most miracles things happen:-)

Stay strong!

journeygal

Hi Rainy,

My husband went through intensive outpatient treatment after his last relapse. The first 6 months or so of his recovery was rocky, to say the least. He was very withdrawn, detached, and I didn't understand why he was pulling away from me. It took some time but as he got more clean time, things got better. Unfortunately, I wasn't in recovery yet, so things weren't as healthy as they could have been.

He had a slip 6 months or so after treatment, which was when I hit my bottom and started my own recovery. It was still a hard time for us. He was tired of my controlling ways, was trying to get his recovery back on track, and I was trying to learn how to not be so codependent. We actually had the worst fight of our relationship after we both had several months in recovery! i think it took us awhile to learn how to relate to each other in a healthy way, and the fight had nothing to do with the issue at hand, it was more of a buildup of the past years of resentment.

Oh, and the lying thing? It took some time for my husband to stop lying about small stuff. I used to take it so personally and couldn't understand it. But eventually the lies stopped. I also learned that he is more likely to be honest with me if I don't come at him with a lot of accusations, which I used to do all the time.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on. Things can and do get better, so hang in there!

Hugs,
JG

myles1

The lying thing was the worst for me I used to take that really personally and the more he lied over stuff that there was totally no reason to lie about the more tense I became til it must have just shown in my voice and body language if I'd ask him a simple question like where have you been for 3 hours when you were supposed to be back in a few minutes.

Unlike you I finally left partly because I was scared off from all the lying but you are both in recovery and as I'm writing this something came to mind that we say in the rooms of A.A "in the beginning it doesn't get better it gets different".

It takes awhile to get into new ways of behaving but I also know it's hard to trust someone who is lying.

Ngaire

Rainy

First of all, I am so grateful to find such support and understanding here, thank you all so much!

Journey Gal, when you said your husband detcahed from people, did you notice that he detached more from the ones he was closest to? It hit me again today that this is why it hurts me so much, because in MY opinion, he should be the closest to me, because I'm the one who's gone through this hell with him. I've read that this is normal behavior, I've read others who have written similar posts. It still bites though.

We talked more tonight and I was strong and told him straight up that I am having a hard time with the fact that we are not talking more about our relationship issues. I told him that I understand that although I may be ready to start tackling them, I understand if he is not. I told him I won't be afraid to tell him what is on my mind, it's up to him to accept where I'm at or not.

Did you know that I am one of the most impatient people that I know? LOL it's true. I want things to happen yesterday, I hate waiting. I think part of this path we're on is to teach me that I must learn patience, with myself AND with others. The funny thing is I get a daily scripture via email each day and today's topic was none other than Patience. Ironic.

As for his lying, I told him that I really want him to be honest with me about everything, he knows the issues I have with trusting him. And I said if you are not, I am going to confront you, how you choose to accept that is up to you, but I am not being good to myself if I know you're lying, whether it be small or large, and I stuff my feelings about it. He agreed.

One day at a time....boy do I need to focus on this right now. It would be a lot easier to leave it all behind me and move on.

myles1

Rainy,

You are right it is normal behaviour to push the ones closest to them away and it's hard to take for when they do it.

Ngaire

journeygal

Rainy,

Ditto to what Myles said. I remember days being so frustrated and feeling so rejected and my husband is just staring at me with this blank look on his face like I was an alien or something, b/c he couldn't understand why I was tripping so much. It was sooooo hard not to take the rejection personally. And it wasn't even that he was rejecting me. He just had to focus on staying clean and at the time he didn't have room to deal with anything else. So I had to learn not to take it personally.

I also understand your frustration at not being able to tackle the relationship issues. For most of our relationship I've handled all the finances. When hubby finally got into recovery and had been clean for a while, I tried to discuss the money stuff with him. He refused, saying he wasn't ready. I was very resentful, b/c I was tired of having to deal with it all on my own. But no matter how much I asked, he refused to have anything to do with it. It was over a year before he finally came to me and said that he was ready to start dealing with it. (Of course, then it took several more months before we could talk about it without getting upset! )

Anyway, for the anon, it's sometimes hard to remember that just b/c our A's aren't using or drinking anymore doesn't mean that life is all of a sudden peachy keen. They have to learn how to live life clean and sober. They have to deal with all the wreckage they caused while using and drinking, and they have to learn to accept the guilt and shame and put it behind them. My husband was depressed for months. It takes a long time to learn how to live a life in recovery, and for the anon, it's never soon enough!

Rainy

Journey Gal,
You have reminded me in more ways than you know that I need to focus on my patience now more than ever. Everything that you wrote about I know of and in my heart want to understand and accept. Now it’s up to me whether or not I can take a step back and be patient—stop thinking everything should go at the speed I want it to go.
Thanks so much, I read your reply several times, I really appreciate what you shared.
((hugs))

Sarah2003

(((((((Rainy)))))))))

Quote:

"We talked more tonight and I was strong and told him straight up that I am having a hard time with the fact that we are not talking more about our relationship issues. I told him that I understand that although I may be ready to start tackling them, I understand if he is not."

AH and I made the decision, with the help of our Counselors, that we would not begin to work on issues within our relationship/marriage until we both felt comforable in our individual recoveries.

We've been separated for about six months and he has been separated for a little more than five months. We still spend time together with the kids, and have had a couple of pseudo dates~~~walks around the neighborhood.

I let him know that I'm proud of him when I see changes in his behaviors, and am here to support him but it's really too soon for us to begin to work on us. We've had a couple of joint counseling sessions recently, and they have been productive but painful. I'm taking it sllllloooooowwwwww. It's gonna take a lot of hard work, and sustained change over a long period of time before my walls will begin to come down.

Take care of yourself~~~you're doing a great job....continue to love yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you~~~

S

Rainy

(((Sarah)))
THANK YOU for sharing...it is so comforting to know I am not alone in this.
I find that if I continue to remind myself that it took a long time to get to where we're at now, that I can relax and accept that we won't change overnight. Accepting that I am an impatient person by nature is teaching me to recognize that trait more and then deal with it better.
Tonight I thought about what it must be like to be him instead of what it's like being me. He's the man, with this problem that was destroying him. A problem that is looked down upon that he 'should' be able to control all by himself. Now he is not living at home and isn't there to be the 'man of the family,' his wife is taking care of all the responsibilities. How hard that must be sometimes for him to accept!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your H as well, be proud of yourself for being so strong. thank you again