He seems to be doing great!
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He seems to be doing great!
Why am I irritated right now? My Ah was a complete drunk when he was here. Got the second DUI and all. Everyone knew about his drinking and thought he was such a loser.
Well, since I kicked him out 2 weeks ago he seems to be sober and doing well. It really bothers me that now his friends and family are saying that he is much happier now that he is gone and there is no reason to drink.
I know its just a matter of time before he goes back to it, but he will be careful and not let anyone see him that way.
I know I wasn't the cause of his drinking but I don't like feeling that way. Is it terrible that I sort of want him to go back to the drinking loser he was?
Well, since I kicked him out 2 weeks ago he seems to be sober and doing well. It really bothers me that now his friends and family are saying that he is much happier now that he is gone and there is no reason to drink.
I know its just a matter of time before he goes back to it, but he will be careful and not let anyone see him that way.
I know I wasn't the cause of his drinking but I don't like feeling that way. Is it terrible that I sort of want him to go back to the drinking loser he was?
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I understand that feeling completely. My ASO is now leaving the state and going to live with his ex wife and 21 year old son. Will he do a complete 180 for her? So will I be accused of making him drink? I shouldn't care.
Breathe!
Breathe!
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Is it codie behavior to want to feel validated? I shouldn't care what he does, but I do.
I want him to be in as much pain as the baby and I are. I completely know it doesn't make any sort of sense, but its how I feel.
I want him to be in as much pain as the baby and I are. I completely know it doesn't make any sort of sense, but its how I feel.
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There is so much I could say about this, but I will try to keep it short.
I was such a victim for so long. The more miserable I was, the better everyone else's life looked to me. Not just the A, but my friends, family, coworkers--everyone. How unfair it was that they got to have such happy lives, and I got shafted. The healthier I got, the more I realized that other's didn't have it so good either.
I was so angry and resentful, I wanted him to suffer. I don't think any amount of suffering would have been enough to make me feel validated. I journaled like crazy in the beginning, and found my anger and resentment slowly softening. It didn't happen quickly, it took time.
Acceptance didn't come easy for me, but what a relief when I learned how. I am NEVER responsible for another's behavior. Even if he went on to become a model citizen and husband of the year (highly unlikely) with someone else, the reality is that he WASN'T that way with me. And I gave him plenty of chances. I finally had enough, I hit my bottom and decided to do what I could to get the life I want. He could have chosen to join me, but he chose otherwise.
This is one of the reasons I am very wary of the "separate the disease from the person" way of thinking. It can be helpful if you are in a place of detaching and want to detach with love. But, if you are still clinging to the "what-ifs," it can be dangerous to your sanity and an easy excuse for bad behavior. Unacceptable is unacceptable, regardless of the cause. It doesn't matter to me if someone treats me badly because of a disease, conditioned thinking, the phase of the moon, or the color of my hair. I won't accept it. And even if they treat others well, it still doesn't make it my fault they treat me badly.
L
I was such a victim for so long. The more miserable I was, the better everyone else's life looked to me. Not just the A, but my friends, family, coworkers--everyone. How unfair it was that they got to have such happy lives, and I got shafted. The healthier I got, the more I realized that other's didn't have it so good either.
I was so angry and resentful, I wanted him to suffer. I don't think any amount of suffering would have been enough to make me feel validated. I journaled like crazy in the beginning, and found my anger and resentment slowly softening. It didn't happen quickly, it took time.
Acceptance didn't come easy for me, but what a relief when I learned how. I am NEVER responsible for another's behavior. Even if he went on to become a model citizen and husband of the year (highly unlikely) with someone else, the reality is that he WASN'T that way with me. And I gave him plenty of chances. I finally had enough, I hit my bottom and decided to do what I could to get the life I want. He could have chosen to join me, but he chose otherwise.
This is one of the reasons I am very wary of the "separate the disease from the person" way of thinking. It can be helpful if you are in a place of detaching and want to detach with love. But, if you are still clinging to the "what-ifs," it can be dangerous to your sanity and an easy excuse for bad behavior. Unacceptable is unacceptable, regardless of the cause. It doesn't matter to me if someone treats me badly because of a disease, conditioned thinking, the phase of the moon, or the color of my hair. I won't accept it. And even if they treat others well, it still doesn't make it my fault they treat me badly.
L
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Originally Posted by Startingover2 
Everyone knew about his drinking and thought he was such a loser......
Is it terrible that I sort of want him to go back to the drinking loser he was?
Is it terrible that I sort of want him to go back to the drinking loser he was?
There was a time when I shared this very sentiment.
When my partner was active in his alcoholism, there was a part of me that NEEDED the contrast that his behavior provided.
He was a loser, I was a winner.
He was selfish, I was a giving.
He was childish, I was mature.
etc....
Life was hard, but these "truths" gave me comfort.
When my A started making healthy choices for himself, I was left wondering about my own worth.
Recovery, for me, has been a gradual realization that I am worthwhile. Period.
No matter what my AH did or did not do.
You are, too.
Keep your chin up.
-TC
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Originally Posted by Startingover2
Is it codie behavior to want to feel validated?
I also have feelings like you're having. It's hard not to. We've hidden the truths for so long, that when we do start acting/talking on our behalf, we want people to know what we mean, see what we see, feel what we feel. What others think doesn't matter. What you think and know does. I think about this often- for me being healthy will be knowing what I went through and having it be all the validation I need to keep walking this path. It's hard though. . . Take care.
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Originally Posted by Startingover2
he seems to be sober and doing well
Things are not always what they seem, mine puts on quite the show too but is actually drinking more than ever. Making you think everthing is great now without you is part of the crazymaking.
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Thank you Starting Over for this post. I REALLY needed to hear this. You are not alone in feeling the way you do. As mentioned, it's human.
I threw my ABF out also, 3 weeks ago, and he immediately got a job, working doubles, rented a sleeping room, and working on getting his life together (at least so he says). It really hurts that he couldn't do that WITH me. I guess I'm secretly hoping that things DON'T go good for him, so that he will finally bottom out & realize he needs help.....I know that's probably not good to do, and I'm trying to "let go & let God", but it IS hard.
I've started going to as many Alon-on & AA meetings (I'm not an A, but understanding this desease from their viewpoint has helped me alot), and reading every book I can get my hands on. And reading these boards. Even with all that, the feelings like you describe still creep in.
So thank you for posting, it made me feel good to know that others are haveing similar feelings. And yes you are perfectly normal.
And one more thing....sometimes things aren't as rosey as they look on the other side. I went through the same thing with my XH, who was a sober drunk (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). I was married to him for 23 years, and went through hell. When we finally split, he got a much younger new girlfriend in a matter of 2 weeks. He told me he had FINALLY met the woman perfect for him (it was HORRIBLE hearing that....he said it like I should be happy for him or something). They married immediately after our divorce was final, and since bought 2 houses, a corvette, harley, mustang, and you can imagine how I felt. Here I was struggling to save my house from foreclosure. BUT.......4 years later.....we are finally able to talk as friends. Dispite all these things in his life, he is still UNHAPPY and has the same problems as he had with me. The same Kaos, etc. He never truly came to terms with his issues......he just "appears" to have done well. I honestly can sense it in his voice, and he now tells me how awful his life is. Before it was always "I'm doing GREAT, now that I'm not with HER". He'll never admit it, but I'll bet he wishes he never left. So, they may appear to be doing well, but until they face their issues, it's just changing the exterior stuff that we see.....not the inner feelings of how they REALLY feel, etc. Your SO's desease will NOT go away just because he is away from you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it......and his being AWAY from you isn't going to "cure it" either......it's just all a big front he's putting on.
I hope my reply helps, I'm new here, and it's all pretty overwhelming stuff.
I threw my ABF out also, 3 weeks ago, and he immediately got a job, working doubles, rented a sleeping room, and working on getting his life together (at least so he says). It really hurts that he couldn't do that WITH me. I guess I'm secretly hoping that things DON'T go good for him, so that he will finally bottom out & realize he needs help.....I know that's probably not good to do, and I'm trying to "let go & let God", but it IS hard.
I've started going to as many Alon-on & AA meetings (I'm not an A, but understanding this desease from their viewpoint has helped me alot), and reading every book I can get my hands on. And reading these boards. Even with all that, the feelings like you describe still creep in.
So thank you for posting, it made me feel good to know that others are haveing similar feelings. And yes you are perfectly normal.
And one more thing....sometimes things aren't as rosey as they look on the other side. I went through the same thing with my XH, who was a sober drunk (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). I was married to him for 23 years, and went through hell. When we finally split, he got a much younger new girlfriend in a matter of 2 weeks. He told me he had FINALLY met the woman perfect for him (it was HORRIBLE hearing that....he said it like I should be happy for him or something). They married immediately after our divorce was final, and since bought 2 houses, a corvette, harley, mustang, and you can imagine how I felt. Here I was struggling to save my house from foreclosure. BUT.......4 years later.....we are finally able to talk as friends. Dispite all these things in his life, he is still UNHAPPY and has the same problems as he had with me. The same Kaos, etc. He never truly came to terms with his issues......he just "appears" to have done well. I honestly can sense it in his voice, and he now tells me how awful his life is. Before it was always "I'm doing GREAT, now that I'm not with HER". He'll never admit it, but I'll bet he wishes he never left. So, they may appear to be doing well, but until they face their issues, it's just changing the exterior stuff that we see.....not the inner feelings of how they REALLY feel, etc. Your SO's desease will NOT go away just because he is away from you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it......and his being AWAY from you isn't going to "cure it" either......it's just all a big front he's putting on.
I hope my reply helps, I'm new here, and it's all pretty overwhelming stuff.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Heya Startingover--
Kind of an echo to what hadenoughnow said :
Don't compare your "insides" with other people's "outsides."
The way he is, was, will be, has nothing to do with you. Believe it.
Peace,
B.
Kind of an echo to what hadenoughnow said :
Don't compare your "insides" with other people's "outsides."
The way he is, was, will be, has nothing to do with you. Believe it.
Peace,
B.
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You are all right. It doesn't matter how or what he is feeling.
He was just here seeing baby. We actually talk very friendly and he acts like this is the best situation in the world. In my mind I am thinking this sucks!
I have to keep reminding myself that it is all a front. Deep down how can he be truly happy? He is facing dui charges, lost his family, will be in debt and has to visit his daughter.
He was just here seeing baby. We actually talk very friendly and he acts like this is the best situation in the world. In my mind I am thinking this sucks!
I have to keep reminding myself that it is all a front. Deep down how can he be truly happy? He is facing dui charges, lost his family, will be in debt and has to visit his daughter.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Hmm...he visits to see his baby, eh?? Totally Codie here......lol.....BUT ....USE IT BABY......USE IT....sometimes we have to do things to make ourselves feel better......to prove our point, hit below the belt(shame on me).... whatever. Do it for yourself, but along the way it MAY make another statement too.
Personally, I would deck that baby room up like crazy.....really hit his weak spot.......lol. Let him know you are doing FINE without him, and what HE is missing. Hang a pic of "Mom & Dad" in the nursery. Any sentimental "family' stuff. I did that when my XH left the 1st time.......decked the nursery out big time. Hung a wedding pic up of us kissing in the baby's room.
When he visited, he never said a word, in fact acted totally dispondant.......but obviously he NOTICED, because 2 weeks later he came back on hands & knees BEGGING......lol.
Not that you want to take him back (ugh....I DID that time, and 23 years later suffered), but perhaps you just need to make a silent statement to him, of what he is giving up. Most all of us, A men or regular men, deep down inside WANT the family, American Dream.
And an old 90 year old wise man told me years ago, when my X left........no matter how hard it HURTS, no matter how bad you are feeling.......NEVER NEVER let it show to HIM. And he said "people ARE watching, and reporting back". NEVER leave the house without looking GOOD..........no matter how depressed we feel inside. I never forgot that man's words, and to this day I NEVER leave the house without makeup.......and would NEVER allow my X over until I am fully dressed, looking my best!!
My heart goes out to you!! But things WILL work out, a dark as it looks now, things WILL feel better. You are doing SO WELL.......I know how hard it is for those visits when there are children involved......ugh.
Personally, I would deck that baby room up like crazy.....really hit his weak spot.......lol. Let him know you are doing FINE without him, and what HE is missing. Hang a pic of "Mom & Dad" in the nursery. Any sentimental "family' stuff. I did that when my XH left the 1st time.......decked the nursery out big time. Hung a wedding pic up of us kissing in the baby's room.
When he visited, he never said a word, in fact acted totally dispondant.......but obviously he NOTICED, because 2 weeks later he came back on hands & knees BEGGING......lol.
Not that you want to take him back (ugh....I DID that time, and 23 years later suffered), but perhaps you just need to make a silent statement to him, of what he is giving up. Most all of us, A men or regular men, deep down inside WANT the family, American Dream.
And an old 90 year old wise man told me years ago, when my X left........no matter how hard it HURTS, no matter how bad you are feeling.......NEVER NEVER let it show to HIM. And he said "people ARE watching, and reporting back". NEVER leave the house without looking GOOD..........no matter how depressed we feel inside. I never forgot that man's words, and to this day I NEVER leave the house without makeup.......and would NEVER allow my X over until I am fully dressed, looking my best!!
My heart goes out to you!! But things WILL work out, a dark as it looks now, things WILL feel better. You are doing SO WELL.......I know how hard it is for those visits when there are children involved......ugh.
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Good idea. He wants copies of all babies pictures. The ones where we are so close and bonded when she was born. The ones where he promised me life would be great. Fine, I will give him those.
I act like nothing is wrong when he comes. Totally happy and busy. I am not the complete mess I used to be after the first time he left. OMG I was pathetic...begging him to come home. Yuck. As much as I love and do miss parts of him, I realize my home is much more peaceful. No more waiting for that snap of the beer can that sent chills up my spine!
I act like nothing is wrong when he comes. Totally happy and busy. I am not the complete mess I used to be after the first time he left. OMG I was pathetic...begging him to come home. Yuck. As much as I love and do miss parts of him, I realize my home is much more peaceful. No more waiting for that snap of the beer can that sent chills up my spine!
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Originally Posted by anubus
Thank you Starting Over for this post. I REALLY needed to hear this. You are not alone in feeling the way you do.
How sad is that comparison, but it allowed myself to ignore my crap for long time.
I actually don't live in a very unique or greatly different place, but I FEEL so different now and really like who I've become.
My RAH could become the next pope and I'll still know that I'm great, so I don't have to be responsible or who he is or who he's not.
I used to be embarrassed or apologize for his behavior and now I can truly let him be him. Probably the only compromise I've made in this area has been when I realized he drove a carpool of soccer kids while drinking and I felt that I needed the other parents to be aware that if he's the one they pick for driving, someone needs to be responsible to make sure he's sober!!!! Even that, I felt that I was able to do that with respect that he has other great qualities and that doesn't totally define him.
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They are always much better...until they're not.
I struggled with this for a few months, then realized I could have taken all that energy and focused it on me. Now I do.
I know my ex's family thinks I was the root of MANY if not ALL of his problems. It used to hurt, now I don't care what they think of me. I know the truth and they were not "in" my relationship with him to see what was going on. Of course, I made mistakes, however, I did not pour a pint of whiskey a night down his throat every night. I don't have that kind of power and neither do you. Let him have his great life. Your life will be great too, but from and honest place where you deal with your feelings.
Keep focusing on you! It will get better!
I struggled with this for a few months, then realized I could have taken all that energy and focused it on me. Now I do.
I know my ex's family thinks I was the root of MANY if not ALL of his problems. It used to hurt, now I don't care what they think of me. I know the truth and they were not "in" my relationship with him to see what was going on. Of course, I made mistakes, however, I did not pour a pint of whiskey a night down his throat every night. I don't have that kind of power and neither do you. Let him have his great life. Your life will be great too, but from and honest place where you deal with your feelings.
Keep focusing on you! It will get better!
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Originally Posted by Startingover2
I act like nothing is wrong when he comes. Totally happy and busy.
Granted, you do not have to act out your feelings when he's there. I think one of the drains on YOU is that you are expending a great deal of energy acting for his sake.
How about taking a time out from acting and get busy dealing with the anger and frustration you are feeling?
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I had a mini meltdown last night and some showed to AH.
He sent his usual 'give baby kiss for me' text. I was having a bad moment...not for me, but for baby and what life will be like for her. I was remembering how happy we were 4 short months ago when she was born and AH promised me that her life would not have any problems like this. His response to my text was like he came to this conclusion himself and that this is best for everyone. That baby has me, him, siblings and will be loved. OK, I know all that is true, but I KICKED HIM OUT! He should be the one groveling and feeling sad and regretful, not me! OH, and he said he wanted to be around her alot...especially on weekends. I really think he feels like he is going to come and go, stay as long or as short as he wants and this is Disneyland situation. I want him to see baby, but we are not going to hang out on weekends! I need to move my heart and mind away from him and that won't help. I guess when these papers are in place it will make us have some sort of a schedule.
I wish I never revealed my feelings to him. Stupid on my part.
He sent his usual 'give baby kiss for me' text. I was having a bad moment...not for me, but for baby and what life will be like for her. I was remembering how happy we were 4 short months ago when she was born and AH promised me that her life would not have any problems like this. His response to my text was like he came to this conclusion himself and that this is best for everyone. That baby has me, him, siblings and will be loved. OK, I know all that is true, but I KICKED HIM OUT! He should be the one groveling and feeling sad and regretful, not me! OH, and he said he wanted to be around her alot...especially on weekends. I really think he feels like he is going to come and go, stay as long or as short as he wants and this is Disneyland situation. I want him to see baby, but we are not going to hang out on weekends! I need to move my heart and mind away from him and that won't help. I guess when these papers are in place it will make us have some sort of a schedule.
I wish I never revealed my feelings to him. Stupid on my part.
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Originally Posted by Startingover2
He should be the one groveling and feeling sad and regretful, not me!
Originally Posted by Startingover2
I guess when these papers are in place it will make us have some sort of a schedule.
Originally Posted by Startingover2
I wish I never revealed my feelings to him. Stupid on my part.
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As I sit here thinking I need to not make myself so available. Keep busier. Its tougher with a 4 month old, but I really need to get out of the house more with her and find our new life without AH. His moods, booze, and problems were all consuming when he was here. He is gone....we should be making a new life without all of that.
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