First Al-Anon Meeting - and many more to come...
Freed from the anguish
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
First Al-Anon Meeting - and many more to come...
Hello again,
I first want to thank everyone for the warm welcome to this forum on two days ago. All your words of encouragement and support and love gave me hope I thought was lost forever.
I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last night. I'm not used to talking about the problems at home with other people, so it was a little hard to open up. Then when I finally found my voice, all I could do was sob and try to at least tell a little of my situation.
The hardest part for me is that now I've found support and hope for myself, it seems my AH may really be changing. But am I really willing and ready (and able to handle) all this and be supportive of him? And will he really stay sober? Every other promise he made was "I'll control it next time. I won't drink THAT much next time. I'll do better." This is the first time he has looked me straight in the face (repeatedly) and told me "I will never drink again." Can he really do that?
He hasn't had a drop to drink since July 17th. On his request, we dumped every single bottle of liquor in the house down the drain together - even the beers. Wow there was a lot!
At the Al-Anon meeting last night I heard others stories about their AH or AC who stopped and started again. I don't want to be here if/when he starts again. I don't want to trust him this time, decide to start a family, have our first child (or two) and end up with children AND an alcoholic. I can only imagine how much more messed up and harder everything is once you have children involved. I do NOT want to go there. But I'm 29, and my chances to find a good guy and my dreams to start a family are beginning to slip away...
Are there others here who's husbands really have stuck with sobriety?
I first want to thank everyone for the warm welcome to this forum on two days ago. All your words of encouragement and support and love gave me hope I thought was lost forever.
I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last night. I'm not used to talking about the problems at home with other people, so it was a little hard to open up. Then when I finally found my voice, all I could do was sob and try to at least tell a little of my situation.
The hardest part for me is that now I've found support and hope for myself, it seems my AH may really be changing. But am I really willing and ready (and able to handle) all this and be supportive of him? And will he really stay sober? Every other promise he made was "I'll control it next time. I won't drink THAT much next time. I'll do better." This is the first time he has looked me straight in the face (repeatedly) and told me "I will never drink again." Can he really do that?
He hasn't had a drop to drink since July 17th. On his request, we dumped every single bottle of liquor in the house down the drain together - even the beers. Wow there was a lot!
At the Al-Anon meeting last night I heard others stories about their AH or AC who stopped and started again. I don't want to be here if/when he starts again. I don't want to trust him this time, decide to start a family, have our first child (or two) and end up with children AND an alcoholic. I can only imagine how much more messed up and harder everything is once you have children involved. I do NOT want to go there. But I'm 29, and my chances to find a good guy and my dreams to start a family are beginning to slip away...
Are there others here who's husbands really have stuck with sobriety?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
I don't know how much I can answer your questions right now. I am still going through my recovery myself. I'm just starting actually.
First, reading your post I see too much that is about him and not enough about you. What are you doing? How are you feeling? It doesn't matter right now whether his recovery will last or how long it's been. His recovery is his and your recovery is yours. Step away. Put it in a box and put it up somewhere. Take each day as it comes. You can make yourself crazy by focusing on him.
My husband is 40 days sober. He's going to AA every day and sometimes twice a day. At first, I was worried all the time whether it would last. Then I started attending Al-anon and started focusing on me and what I needed. I stopped worrying that when I dropped him off he would leave right away and go to the bar nearby. The first few times I actually turned around and drove back to make sure he went in the door! Yikes. Al-anon helped me to stop that. I now drop him off and don't worry. Whatever he does, he does. I am more relaxed. Less stressed. I see big changes in him and me.
I was dealing with my AH's drinking for 19 years. I heard all of his lies & manipulation. The difference I see this time is: 1) he no longer says he can control it. He admits he can never have another drink. Ever. 2) He is facing head on his issues that "helped" his drinking along. 3) He has acknowledged his problem and is not hiding it from anyone 4) He is not only attending AA but he's participating and truly learning. 5) He has talked to people at AA about the things he is struggling with and takes their tips and applies them every day. I'm sure there is more but these are the biggest things I have noticed.
So that is what he is doing. What am I doing? Taking it one day at a time. Which is better than about a month ago when I was one hour at a time. I no longer worry about what he is doing. I am making each day mine. He won't or can't ruin that day for me. Only I am responsible for my feelings and how I approach the day. I won't react because then I lose control. What he does is not a reflection on me. Am I thankful for what he has done lately? Yes. I notice. The difference is that I don't have to trust it or count on it right now. It doesn't matter either way. I can still live my life and function no matter what happens because I am me!
The way I look at it right now is that as long as he continues to recover and improve, he can still be a part of my life and a part of the kids life. It's his choice to make. If the time comes that the bottle becomes more important to him again, well then it's time to make a change. His loss and not ours. Just like it's his choice and not ours. I can only focus on today and todays problems. We can't spend our lives looking at what may or will happen in the future. Just like you can't spend your whole life looking in the rear view mirror. If you do, you will crash!
First, reading your post I see too much that is about him and not enough about you. What are you doing? How are you feeling? It doesn't matter right now whether his recovery will last or how long it's been. His recovery is his and your recovery is yours. Step away. Put it in a box and put it up somewhere. Take each day as it comes. You can make yourself crazy by focusing on him.
My husband is 40 days sober. He's going to AA every day and sometimes twice a day. At first, I was worried all the time whether it would last. Then I started attending Al-anon and started focusing on me and what I needed. I stopped worrying that when I dropped him off he would leave right away and go to the bar nearby. The first few times I actually turned around and drove back to make sure he went in the door! Yikes. Al-anon helped me to stop that. I now drop him off and don't worry. Whatever he does, he does. I am more relaxed. Less stressed. I see big changes in him and me.
I was dealing with my AH's drinking for 19 years. I heard all of his lies & manipulation. The difference I see this time is: 1) he no longer says he can control it. He admits he can never have another drink. Ever. 2) He is facing head on his issues that "helped" his drinking along. 3) He has acknowledged his problem and is not hiding it from anyone 4) He is not only attending AA but he's participating and truly learning. 5) He has talked to people at AA about the things he is struggling with and takes their tips and applies them every day. I'm sure there is more but these are the biggest things I have noticed.
So that is what he is doing. What am I doing? Taking it one day at a time. Which is better than about a month ago when I was one hour at a time. I no longer worry about what he is doing. I am making each day mine. He won't or can't ruin that day for me. Only I am responsible for my feelings and how I approach the day. I won't react because then I lose control. What he does is not a reflection on me. Am I thankful for what he has done lately? Yes. I notice. The difference is that I don't have to trust it or count on it right now. It doesn't matter either way. I can still live my life and function no matter what happens because I am me!
The way I look at it right now is that as long as he continues to recover and improve, he can still be a part of my life and a part of the kids life. It's his choice to make. If the time comes that the bottle becomes more important to him again, well then it's time to make a change. His loss and not ours. Just like it's his choice and not ours. I can only focus on today and todays problems. We can't spend our lives looking at what may or will happen in the future. Just like you can't spend your whole life looking in the rear view mirror. If you do, you will crash!
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by JustMeInWI 
I don't want to be here if/when he starts again. I don't want to trust him this time, decide to start a family, have our first child (or two) and end up with children AND an alcoholic. I can only imagine how much more messed up and harder everything is once you have children involved. I do NOT want to go there. But I'm 29, and my chances to find a good guy and my dreams to start a family are beginning to slip away...
Are there others here who's husbands really have stuck with sobriety?
Are there others here who's husbands really have stuck with sobriety?
My husband is also a recovering alcoholic. After the mess of active addiction, I spent A LOT of time worrying about whether or not my A's sobriety would "stick". The not-knowing was paralyzing for me.
I wanted a crystal ball.
It seemed to me that HIS sobriety would indicate my success and his relapse would indicate MY mistake. His behavior would determine whether or not I was a fool for having believed in him, for having built a life with him.
But I am not a fool, and neither are you, regardless of what our husbands choose to do.
Codependency, for me, came in the form of allowing another person's choices to dictate my decisions for my life.
Should we buy a new house? I'll wait and see what he does.
Should we have another baby? I'll wait and see what he does.
Should we make plans for a vacation with friends? I'll wait and see what he does.
After a while, I grew very tired of waiting to make important decisions until my husband had more sobriety.
Putting my life on hold in order "to see" what would happen with my A's recovery made me BONKERS!
Your dreams are not slipping away - you can decide what you want and when you want it.
If your husband is not able to be a partner that can help you meet those goals, you have choices:
Work towards the goals on your own, change the goals, or change the partner.
Take care of yourself.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: midwest
Posts: 231
My husband stopped drinking for 14 months after inpatient treatment. He drinks now but only beer, so he "functions" works etc... Before he would drink hard liquor and go on binges and miss days and be in blackout and drinking 24/7 so it was really bad. He tries to "moderate". It is still hard though, but he usually comes home and drinks in front of the tv, goes to sleep ,wakes up goes to work. Drinks more on his days off though.
I was told at al-anon to stick with al-anon meetings for at least 6 months to a year before making any decisions (divorce, etc..) I am not including domestic violence that is another issue. So I would stick with al-anon no matter if he is drinking or not and it will help you to make a decision if you can live with it or not. But, the decision is completely up to you either way, al-anon gives no opinion either way. They are an excellent support group though, I cannot seem to get motivated to start attending myself again even though we now have a meeting in our town again.
I was told at al-anon to stick with al-anon meetings for at least 6 months to a year before making any decisions (divorce, etc..) I am not including domestic violence that is another issue. So I would stick with al-anon no matter if he is drinking or not and it will help you to make a decision if you can live with it or not. But, the decision is completely up to you either way, al-anon gives no opinion either way. They are an excellent support group though, I cannot seem to get motivated to start attending myself again even though we now have a meeting in our town again.
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