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Old 08-07-2008, 03:34 AM
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Unhappy New to this!

Hi - I am new to this and found this site through a search engine. I have a 20 year old son addicted to cocaine who has also been a heavy alcohol user and marijuana smoker. I found out about his cocaine use in about March this year. In late May he went to a detox center and then straight into a residential program that was supposed to be about 10 weeks long. About halfway through the program - in which he was doing really well - he showed codeine in his urine (they did random urine drug testing) and he had to leave the home. He has vehemently denied taking any codeine.

He did well at home for a few weeks but then started using cocaine again in mid July. He went back to the detox center for one day only at the end of July. He is waiting to get back into a residential treatment center now but I know he used cocaine last night again.

He steals from me, lies to his grandparents to get money also. I feel I'm at my wit's end with having to hide money, my Visa card and keep changing my PIN#s on my bank cards. He is not working and has not really been working since February and at that time only worked a few months. He did not finish high school - I think because of the amount of partying and marijuana use at that time. I have a 15 year old son who has to hide his money too.

I would just like to hear from people who have been through this and get some ideas of what to do. Should I ask him to leave home? I do really feel that I am enabling him but am scared to let him go too. He really wouldn't have anywhere to go unless he gets social assistance.

Basically I am just so scared and don't know what to do.
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Old 08-07-2008, 03:48 AM
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Welcome. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. There are several wonderfully, wise people who will be along to support. I am glad that you found SR... it has been such a God-send for me. In the meantime, read the "stickies" on the top of the site and keep reading the posts.... the power is amazing. HUGS!
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Old 08-07-2008, 04:36 AM
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Dear Boggled. Welcome to SR. You have come to a good place & unfortunately there are many mothers who come here. Recovery can be a very long process. If it was up to us it would be easy, but they have to want to be clean & sober.
My son is 41 & has been addicted to coke since his early 20's. He has had alot of help & that has just kept him addicted longer. My parents have enabled him long after we knew better. There is a post ( they are called stickeys ) on the top of the first page titled If " You Love Me Let Me Go ", please read it. That just about explains everything. I have noticed the kids who recover the quickest have parents that are not afraid to lay down the law and let them go.
Please keep coming back. There will be many people along that will have some really good things to say.
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Old 08-07-2008, 04:44 AM
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Hi Boggled,

Welcome to SR. You've found a great place for love and support with people who understand what you are going through. I am the mother of an addicted daughter and I certainly understand you story.

At some point of our daughter's using, we had to decide if we were going to accept an active user in our home. It's amazing how the disease of addiction (it's a family disease) can confuse your thinking, but we actually struggled with what to do when, if we saw this in someone else's home, we'd know exactly what THEY should do --- it's a no brainer.

We were fortunate enough to be pointed in the direction of Al Anon and began attending meetings. There was so much we didn't know about addiction and didn't have a clue as to how to handle our daughter. We started learning about how we should set boundaries, how we did have the right to have a peaceful home, how we were contributing to the mess in our lives. NO, we didn't cause our AD's addiction, we can't cure it and we can't control it. But our reactions (good grief, I was the queen or reacting) were making the situation worse.

No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. One thing I can tell you is when I started educating myself by attending meetings, I began to get a grip back on my life. I am powerless over my AD, and until she wanted to get clean and sober, there was nothing I could do. And believe you me, I tried EVERYTHING and wore myself to a frazzle trying to get her sober.

I have an Al Anon sponsor who is what we call a double winner...she has 25 years in Al Anon and coming up on 23 years sober. She says any addict will have a chance of getting better if we quit putting the pillows underneath them to break their fall.

I will keep you and your sons in my prayers because I know how scary this is. Please try to find a meeting in your area. I wouldn't take anything for the knowledge and support I've gained through meetings. They literally saved my life.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 08-07-2008, 06:12 AM
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boggled,

Welcome to SR. This forum, one Nar-Anon meeting, one Alanon meeting and daily readings have kept me sane.

I am the mother of a 27 yr old AS (addict son.) I am new to "detaching with love" trying my best at it and feeling good about it. I never thought I could detach a few months ago. I thought I would go crazy, I questioned where my son would lay his head at night, what he would eat, etc. He's found places to stay (even though we had many screaming phone calls about it in the beginning) and amazingly still does not have a FT job. Which leads me to believe that everything I was worrying about, stressing about, making myself crazy over is just not that important to him. So why should it be to me???

boggled, hang in there and if possible, find some sort of meeting to attend for you.
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Old 08-07-2008, 12:35 PM
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Hi boggled,
My son is also an an addict---pot, alcohol, etc. He's 18 and been to rehab 5 or 6 times, I've lost count. he is still actively using even though it means he will go to jail. He has broken his probation and is now waiting for a revoking. I have kicked him out and let him back in several times. It is such a hard thing to do, but it is the best thing.

My son also stole from me, and who knows how much money I have soaked into his recovery. This has been going on since he was 14, shortly after my divorce.

You have to decide what is right to do for you, not him. I know that my own health has suffered (weight gain, blood pressure, stress) and I'm much better when he is gone, even though the heart ache is hard. Nothing is easy, but that doesn't make it impossible.

I'm sorry for your confusion and pain. I can relate. You are not alone. We will all be here for you. Keep posting, reading and praying.
krhea
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Old 08-07-2008, 01:04 PM
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(((Boggled)))

Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering addict, who has been in relationships with addicts. What the others above said is true....we addicts will not do anything about our addiction until the consequences of using get bad enough.

I was homeless and didn't care. It took me being locked up for almost 6 months to get a clue that getting high just wasn't worth it any more.

Stick around here...there are some wonderful people here who are going through, or have been through a similar situation.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 08-07-2008, 02:09 PM
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Hi and welcome!

I am a mother of a 24 yo daughter who has been in/out of rehabs, sober homes etc for almost 7 years. This place will truly save your sanity. The best thing for me was knowing I was not alone and other "good" parents have kids in trouble. I have made some amazin friends here who have cried, prayed and laughed with me.

Come back, keep posting and read!! Lots of good folks who truly care.

prayers for you and your son,
susan
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Old 08-07-2008, 03:34 PM
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Thank you for all your replies. Right now I am just sitting crying reading all of them and really appreciate you for taking the time to show you care - it makes you feel so alone. I am planning to go to a nar-anon meeting on Saturday and I know that will be hard. I'm just taking time to think about what to do. How did you get your AD/AS out of the house - did you set a date - did you just tell them to leave - just some ideas about how some of you did it because that is the hardest part for me. I read the post about Letting them Fall and I think it is probably so true but hard to do.
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Old 08-07-2008, 08:30 PM
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Welcome Boggled,
I am the mom of a 27 yr. old RAD. It has been a tough road that we walked on for 6 yrs.
I am a single mom, so I did it alone with her. Our lives were a trainwreck for 6 yrs. off and on. Her DOC was heroin. Although she used other drugs too. Mainly heroin and crack. She has been clean from street drugs for 1 year now. She is on a low dose of methadone. She is doing things the right way now.

I do remember the times that I kicked her out of my house because I just had all I could take. How did I do it? Well, I just told her she had to leave in a heated argument. She just threw a bunch of clothes in her grocery store luggage and had one of her loser friends pick her up. She lived from sofa to sofa for a while. She did have a cell phone that I paid for so I could always maintain some kind of connection to her. I couldn't live not knowing if she were dead or alive. I needed that connection.

I could write a book on what has happened between then and now, but for now things are good. She works and stays sober. They can recover if they want to, but you can't make them. It is all up to them.

Blessings on you and your son..............Lo
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Old 08-08-2008, 05:36 AM
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Welcome to SR. I am the mom of an addict daughter, 22. She is currently clean from heroin (74 days), living at home and working a program. I have never had to kick her out (yet) because she was living away from home when her addiction started. But I did need to learn to detach from her and live my own life. Not easy, but doable. This forum made a huge difference for me between living in fear and living in faith. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-08-2008, 05:52 AM
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welcome to S.R. you are here with caring understanding people who are where you are or have been there. my addict is my son. he is 37 & still doing the wrong things. he is in jail now waiting trial again. he has been in prison as much as he has been out for the pass 20yrs. i never had to put him out of my house ,he was married when things really went down for him. i was a big codie untill a few yrs. ago. 10,000s of dollars for rehabs, bonds, lawyers,all a waste of money. there is nothing you can do to help him. he has got to hit his bottom in order to change. he may never hit it. learn what we have learned here. how to detach with love & let him fall.you did not Cause it,you can not Control it, & you can not Cure it. i carried so much guilt when it came to my son. i thought it was my fault. your son has choices & his life is up to him.read "what addicts do" at the top of the forum page. pray for your son, as i will & learn to take care of yourself. it will only get worse untill he has had enough. keep coming back here,we r here for you.prayers,
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Old 08-08-2008, 06:16 AM
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Boggled:

Welcome to SR and we thank God that you have reached a point where you're willing to learn from the wisdom of others.

Regarding your questions - they are valid ones that do need to be addressed. But before you do that, start with Naranon and Alanon meetings in order to find your footing. To back off from enabling behaviors takes a lot of strength which you will gain from going to those meetings - and your questions about how to deal with you son, well you will find the answer to those questions as you go...

Oh, and don't forget to come back here where others can share their experience, strength, and hope (ESH) with you. we've been where you're at and can hopefully guide you on your journey. Before you know it, you will have ESH that you can share with others!!
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