Hubby and the lies that follow....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
Hubby and the lies that follow....
Well I'm new here and I will try to be as brief as I can so bare w/ me. I've been married for over half my life to my high school sweetheart. Have 3 kids, put my hubby thru college (meaning while I worked @ nights) plus I'm a very dedicated wife & mother, aswell considering alot of young marriages like mine fall apart alot sooner. My husband has always had a drinking problem, I must of been very nieve to notice his problem was getting worse. Regardless of our arguments, he continued to drink heavily. Started to get suspicious on his loyalty to me w/ other women cuz he's always been one to be very outgoing & flirty-joking kind of guy.
Fast forward more, he started doing cocaine when I got pg of my 3rd baby from then it has been a living hell for me. He got involved w/ illegal activities, wouldn't come home, got abusive & agressive, lying more than ever, was trying to have an affair (sure there were many but this one I was told), he wouldn't be intimate w/ me & when he would he couldn't perform & all those reg. things that accompany someone w/ alcohol & drug abuse. I have never done drugs & hardly would ever drink. I can say God has given me alot of will power to put up w/ everything this man has putten me & my girls through.
Aside from that went to prison & still waited for him w/ open arms in hopes that his time locked up would make him realize his mistakes, but of course no. He left me w/ hardly any $$ & alot of bills. He promised me the world when he would get out that he was staying clean & would do anything & everything to make it up to me & my girls for the rest of his life. aha! Too good to be true. But during that time I gathered my strength thru the support of my family & picked myself back up & was independent for the first time in my life. I maintained my home inside & out (very active), lost alot of weight (of course), went to church alot & spent alot of time w/ my kids. The best time of our lives! My kids agree to that. Soon after he came back home he started drink'n, he started being verbally abusive & his anger w/in time got worse. He even started flirting, touching other girls right in front of me to the pt he lost all respect for me & kissed a waitress right in front of me (didn't know I was there had gone to rest room) not once but twice. From that night, my heart stopped beat'n for him. Slowly over time I have stopped being in love w/ him.
Fast forward again to New Yrs Eve '07, I was already told several times by family that he was doing coke again. Of course he would deny it w/ all his life, but that day I got a gut feeling to look for some (coke) in his stuff & car. Sure enough, in the trunk where tire goes in trunk I found some coke. Even then of course denied doing it (amazing even w/ proof right in his face), then changed story to he only did it once. Yeah right! That was another worst day of my life then w/ family coming over for NY eve & put up a front like always, but this was extremely painful to do but managed to. After that found out he was text'n other women (especially this girl that didn't like me), found phone #'s & what not. Finally had a big fight we got seperated for the first time which lasted only 2 weeks
So now its August & July 4 he promised again never to do coke or drink again. That he was gonna change completely, because I had told him it was over. I tested him once came out clean, but haven't lately. He hasn't drank beer @ all (not in front of me) or done coke (he says). He's putting on weight though, but he seems unhappy now. Seems like he's resenting me, but he says he isn't that he doesn't want any of that stuff anymore. Plus he confessed to me, in the past he would go regularly to strip clubs & all those type where they pay & they do a special dance for them in a seperate room. Of course promising me never had sex w/ any of them.
He promised me so many things & seems now he's taking his sweet time trying the easy way out to get out of the rest of promises. I'm very proud of him but of course doubt he's not using behind my back & not only that he can be a real ******* to all of us. He's gotten more aggressive w/ my girls too especially verbally (not physically), but he knows how to get on their nerves. The other thing he's excelled in is making me & everybody think I'm crazy, but really I'm not I'm just so frustrated w/ him. What should I do? Last night we had a big fight cuz I caught him lying to me again. Not big things, but still lying to me when there's no need too. How can he expect me to trust him if he's still lying to me?
Fast forward more, he started doing cocaine when I got pg of my 3rd baby from then it has been a living hell for me. He got involved w/ illegal activities, wouldn't come home, got abusive & agressive, lying more than ever, was trying to have an affair (sure there were many but this one I was told), he wouldn't be intimate w/ me & when he would he couldn't perform & all those reg. things that accompany someone w/ alcohol & drug abuse. I have never done drugs & hardly would ever drink. I can say God has given me alot of will power to put up w/ everything this man has putten me & my girls through.
Aside from that went to prison & still waited for him w/ open arms in hopes that his time locked up would make him realize his mistakes, but of course no. He left me w/ hardly any $$ & alot of bills. He promised me the world when he would get out that he was staying clean & would do anything & everything to make it up to me & my girls for the rest of his life. aha! Too good to be true. But during that time I gathered my strength thru the support of my family & picked myself back up & was independent for the first time in my life. I maintained my home inside & out (very active), lost alot of weight (of course), went to church alot & spent alot of time w/ my kids. The best time of our lives! My kids agree to that. Soon after he came back home he started drink'n, he started being verbally abusive & his anger w/in time got worse. He even started flirting, touching other girls right in front of me to the pt he lost all respect for me & kissed a waitress right in front of me (didn't know I was there had gone to rest room) not once but twice. From that night, my heart stopped beat'n for him. Slowly over time I have stopped being in love w/ him.
Fast forward again to New Yrs Eve '07, I was already told several times by family that he was doing coke again. Of course he would deny it w/ all his life, but that day I got a gut feeling to look for some (coke) in his stuff & car. Sure enough, in the trunk where tire goes in trunk I found some coke. Even then of course denied doing it (amazing even w/ proof right in his face), then changed story to he only did it once. Yeah right! That was another worst day of my life then w/ family coming over for NY eve & put up a front like always, but this was extremely painful to do but managed to. After that found out he was text'n other women (especially this girl that didn't like me), found phone #'s & what not. Finally had a big fight we got seperated for the first time which lasted only 2 weeks
So now its August & July 4 he promised again never to do coke or drink again. That he was gonna change completely, because I had told him it was over. I tested him once came out clean, but haven't lately. He hasn't drank beer @ all (not in front of me) or done coke (he says). He's putting on weight though, but he seems unhappy now. Seems like he's resenting me, but he says he isn't that he doesn't want any of that stuff anymore. Plus he confessed to me, in the past he would go regularly to strip clubs & all those type where they pay & they do a special dance for them in a seperate room. Of course promising me never had sex w/ any of them. He promised me so many things & seems now he's taking his sweet time trying the easy way out to get out of the rest of promises. I'm very proud of him but of course doubt he's not using behind my back & not only that he can be a real ******* to all of us. He's gotten more aggressive w/ my girls too especially verbally (not physically), but he knows how to get on their nerves. The other thing he's excelled in is making me & everybody think I'm crazy, but really I'm not I'm just so frustrated w/ him. What should I do? Last night we had a big fight cuz I caught him lying to me again. Not big things, but still lying to me when there's no need too. How can he expect me to trust him if he's still lying to me?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR Smiley (I love your name). I am so sorry for your pain but glad you joined us. You are among people here who care and understand.
Sweetie, I have to ask you...what is in this relationship for you? You sound like you did fine independently when he was in jail and your girls were happy too...that should be an indication that you can be happy and survive on your own if you choose to.
A man who is abusive, even verbally, who goes to strip clups and pays for lap dances, a man who flirts with other women in front of you and has affairs behind your back...he is not worthy of someone like you. He is a sick man who needs help with more than his addiction and it could be a very long road before anything ever gets better than this. Is this how you want to live your life and raise your girls? You have choices here and there is help out there if you need a safe place to go or help getting started again someplace else.
Please know that whether you choose to stay or go, we are all walking with you here. I try not to suggest either outcome, that choice is yours alone, but the abuse touched a nerve with me and nobody deserves to be abused in any way and it sounds like your daughters are now being abused also, yes?
My heart and prayers go out for you and your girls. I hope you can find some peace here, and a safe place to talk about your life with an addict.
Hugs
Sweetie, I have to ask you...what is in this relationship for you? You sound like you did fine independently when he was in jail and your girls were happy too...that should be an indication that you can be happy and survive on your own if you choose to.
A man who is abusive, even verbally, who goes to strip clups and pays for lap dances, a man who flirts with other women in front of you and has affairs behind your back...he is not worthy of someone like you. He is a sick man who needs help with more than his addiction and it could be a very long road before anything ever gets better than this. Is this how you want to live your life and raise your girls? You have choices here and there is help out there if you need a safe place to go or help getting started again someplace else.
Please know that whether you choose to stay or go, we are all walking with you here. I try not to suggest either outcome, that choice is yours alone, but the abuse touched a nerve with me and nobody deserves to be abused in any way and it sounds like your daughters are now being abused also, yes?
My heart and prayers go out for you and your girls. I hope you can find some peace here, and a safe place to talk about your life with an addict.
Hugs
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hi Smiley,
Welcome to SR. You've found a great place for love and support, so please keep coming around.
I agree with Ann. It seems like you are getting nothing from this relationship except pain and anguish. And no one has to settle to live like that.
What I think you're seeing in your husband is a "dry drunk"...he isn't using but he isn't recovering so he's totally miserable. Nothing will change for him unless he decides he wants better for his life.
And so it is the same for you. Ask yourself is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? I know it's hard to take a good look at our lives and accept (and realize) what is really going on. The way I learned to do that is by attending Al Anon meetings. What I learned (and continue to learn because I go to 2 meetings a week) is that there is a better way for me to handle my life even if I have addiction around me.
Please try to find a meeting in your area. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the love and support you can receive face to face from folks at the meeting. And please keep coming back here. There are great folks here who are working their recovery program with great success and are enjoying good lives despite their loved one's addiction.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. You've found a great place for love and support, so please keep coming around.
I agree with Ann. It seems like you are getting nothing from this relationship except pain and anguish. And no one has to settle to live like that.
What I think you're seeing in your husband is a "dry drunk"...he isn't using but he isn't recovering so he's totally miserable. Nothing will change for him unless he decides he wants better for his life.
And so it is the same for you. Ask yourself is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? I know it's hard to take a good look at our lives and accept (and realize) what is really going on. The way I learned to do that is by attending Al Anon meetings. What I learned (and continue to learn because I go to 2 meetings a week) is that there is a better way for me to handle my life even if I have addiction around me.
Please try to find a meeting in your area. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the love and support you can receive face to face from folks at the meeting. And please keep coming back here. There are great folks here who are working their recovery program with great success and are enjoying good lives despite their loved one's addiction.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Hello there! Welcome.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like he needs to deal with some underlying issues here along with the addiction. Does he go to AA or attend meetings or see a therapist? Just curious.
How about you? Are you going to any alanon or naranon meetings? Having a community there to help you can be invaluable.
I have to echo what the first response said: what do you see in this relationship that you are getting? I don't understand what he's doing that is positive, good and healthy for you and your family. I'm not sure I can think of any good that can outweigh the bad you've written about (for myself personally.)
I'm sure you've heard that addicts have to "hit their bottom" to begin recovery. Well, we (the loved ones of addicts) also have to hit our bottom. How much more will we take and endure before we finally break? And will be be bankrupt (financially, emotionally, spiritually) before the end? It's a vicious cycle, especially when our loved ones manipulate us, tell us what we want to hear and calm that devil inside that gets crazy with worry and fret.
Yet, that devil never fully goes away, at least not immediately. Takes time for us to heal, just as it takes time for them to recover.
It sounds like he's going through a depression. I think this is common in recovering addicts. He may need help in getting through it. Sometimes, we think it's "strong" to try and handle things ourselves. When, in fact, it's the easy way out to do nothing and try to tackle it on our own. It takes GUTS to ask for help and go see someone who has the tools to get us through these times. Sometimes, we are too close to the problem to see a way out, we need someone to guide the way.
Many hugs to you. Love and light.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like he needs to deal with some underlying issues here along with the addiction. Does he go to AA or attend meetings or see a therapist? Just curious.
How about you? Are you going to any alanon or naranon meetings? Having a community there to help you can be invaluable.
I have to echo what the first response said: what do you see in this relationship that you are getting? I don't understand what he's doing that is positive, good and healthy for you and your family. I'm not sure I can think of any good that can outweigh the bad you've written about (for myself personally.)
I'm sure you've heard that addicts have to "hit their bottom" to begin recovery. Well, we (the loved ones of addicts) also have to hit our bottom. How much more will we take and endure before we finally break? And will be be bankrupt (financially, emotionally, spiritually) before the end? It's a vicious cycle, especially when our loved ones manipulate us, tell us what we want to hear and calm that devil inside that gets crazy with worry and fret.
Yet, that devil never fully goes away, at least not immediately. Takes time for us to heal, just as it takes time for them to recover.
It sounds like he's going through a depression. I think this is common in recovering addicts. He may need help in getting through it. Sometimes, we think it's "strong" to try and handle things ourselves. When, in fact, it's the easy way out to do nothing and try to tackle it on our own. It takes GUTS to ask for help and go see someone who has the tools to get us through these times. Sometimes, we are too close to the problem to see a way out, we need someone to guide the way.
Many hugs to you. Love and light.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Smiley)))
Welcome to SR. I'm a recovering addict. It sounds to me like he is not working at recovery, even if he has stopped the coke/alcohol. When I first stopped crack, that's all I did. I was clean, but angry. I was mad at myself, for all the stupid stuff I did and what I put my family through. I was also mad because I couldn't use! I KNEW I couldn't do "just a little"...it would quickly lead me back to 24/7. I relapsed big time.
This time, I've reached out to friends here and am also working on my codependent (codie) behaviors, because that is a big part of my addiction. I get all worked up about trying to help someone else, forget about me, get frustrated and want to use.
He probably DOES have a resentment toward you....you're not letting him do what he wants, and he's mad. That doesn't mean he's right! It just means he has a lot of work to do...way more than just not using.
I've been in 3 relationships my adult life...all with addicts/alcholics. I hope that, with what I've learned, I will RUN as fast as I can if a man I'm interested in has any "red flags" of addiction.
I agree with Ann..you and your kids did fine without him....now things are stressful again..what are you getting from this? This is about YOU and YOUR life and your kids. Keep the focus on you/kids and what you want from life...regardless of what HE does.
To me, an angry clean addict isn't much better than a using one. Being clean is a blessing for me, because that's what I want...maybe that's not what he wants and he's just going through the motions.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR. I'm a recovering addict. It sounds to me like he is not working at recovery, even if he has stopped the coke/alcohol. When I first stopped crack, that's all I did. I was clean, but angry. I was mad at myself, for all the stupid stuff I did and what I put my family through. I was also mad because I couldn't use! I KNEW I couldn't do "just a little"...it would quickly lead me back to 24/7. I relapsed big time.
This time, I've reached out to friends here and am also working on my codependent (codie) behaviors, because that is a big part of my addiction. I get all worked up about trying to help someone else, forget about me, get frustrated and want to use.
He probably DOES have a resentment toward you....you're not letting him do what he wants, and he's mad. That doesn't mean he's right! It just means he has a lot of work to do...way more than just not using.
I've been in 3 relationships my adult life...all with addicts/alcholics. I hope that, with what I've learned, I will RUN as fast as I can if a man I'm interested in has any "red flags" of addiction.
I agree with Ann..you and your kids did fine without him....now things are stressful again..what are you getting from this? This is about YOU and YOUR life and your kids. Keep the focus on you/kids and what you want from life...regardless of what HE does.
To me, an angry clean addict isn't much better than a using one. Being clean is a blessing for me, because that's what I want...maybe that's not what he wants and he's just going through the motions.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Hi Smiley and Welcome to SR,
I am glad you found us and posted, you will find alot of great friends here!
Like you, I was married to an addict and we had children together as well. I went through much of the samethings you are going through with your husband....women, cheating, lying, happy, sad, mean....never knew from one day to another what it was going to bring. I would freeze when the phone would ring. Your post really brought me back of a time and a place I was in with my husband....thinking I was crazy and he assured me I Was! Probably I was, but who wouldn't go off the wall dealing with the choas and the ups and downs that addiction brings with it. There were times when I knew something was not right but I would just bluff it off and think I was crazy for thinking such a thing....then after time it would come to light and I was right, what I thought was happening was....I wasn't crazy after all.
My husband became very abusive and voilent overtime, emotionally with our boys ,emotionally and physical with me, he would like your husband is doing being miserable and picking fights. When the fights would start he would leave....a perfect escape to go out and use, he had a reason now....the Master of his plan, I fell into his trap. Why oh why he reasoned with himself the way he did, but it made sense to him.
I was so terrified that my husband was going to get himself into trouble and go to jail, I begged and pleaded with him...I really didn't know what all he was up to but I knew enough to know that there was going to be trouble...the call did come from the police and they had him and he was going to jail. I melted right to the floor. As time went by with him locked up, the choas stopped and the boys and I like you managed with no big surprises. What was my biggest fear of him going to jail changed and my biggest fear was him getting out. I got so sick as time got closer to the day he was going to be released and rightfully so, it was choas within 4 hours of him getting out.
The police put an order against him to stay away from us, he didn't go away without a fight, but as time went on it was less and less that he came around. After 22 years of marriage and the last 5 years of it dedicated to crack cocaine I finally managed to get through it and divorce him. I am on my own with the boys...well they are not boys anymore and beleive me I have had my challeges with them, but they are to the point now that they can move out and be on their own....and I am just fine on my own, just like you know you can.
Each and everyone of us is differnt and we all know just how much we can take or not take, but never forget that you can do it on your own...beleive in yourself and don't let anyone rob your happiness!
Rose
I am glad you found us and posted, you will find alot of great friends here!
Like you, I was married to an addict and we had children together as well. I went through much of the samethings you are going through with your husband....women, cheating, lying, happy, sad, mean....never knew from one day to another what it was going to bring. I would freeze when the phone would ring. Your post really brought me back of a time and a place I was in with my husband....thinking I was crazy and he assured me I Was! Probably I was, but who wouldn't go off the wall dealing with the choas and the ups and downs that addiction brings with it. There were times when I knew something was not right but I would just bluff it off and think I was crazy for thinking such a thing....then after time it would come to light and I was right, what I thought was happening was....I wasn't crazy after all.
My husband became very abusive and voilent overtime, emotionally with our boys ,emotionally and physical with me, he would like your husband is doing being miserable and picking fights. When the fights would start he would leave....a perfect escape to go out and use, he had a reason now....the Master of his plan, I fell into his trap. Why oh why he reasoned with himself the way he did, but it made sense to him.
I was so terrified that my husband was going to get himself into trouble and go to jail, I begged and pleaded with him...I really didn't know what all he was up to but I knew enough to know that there was going to be trouble...the call did come from the police and they had him and he was going to jail. I melted right to the floor. As time went by with him locked up, the choas stopped and the boys and I like you managed with no big surprises. What was my biggest fear of him going to jail changed and my biggest fear was him getting out. I got so sick as time got closer to the day he was going to be released and rightfully so, it was choas within 4 hours of him getting out.
The police put an order against him to stay away from us, he didn't go away without a fight, but as time went on it was less and less that he came around. After 22 years of marriage and the last 5 years of it dedicated to crack cocaine I finally managed to get through it and divorce him. I am on my own with the boys...well they are not boys anymore and beleive me I have had my challeges with them, but they are to the point now that they can move out and be on their own....and I am just fine on my own, just like you know you can.
Each and everyone of us is differnt and we all know just how much we can take or not take, but never forget that you can do it on your own...beleive in yourself and don't let anyone rob your happiness!
Rose
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
Well I hadn't had a chance to get online had been very busy. I read the responses & was amazed I even got responses... didn't think was gonna get even one. ha! First of all I want to thank everybody for all their support & value all their information. I'll respond a little later to some of the questions that you all asked me. I just have had a tough weekend so far. Saturday morning around 3 am, I called the cops on my hubby not only for beating me... he attacked my (middle) daughter too for defending me. Enough is enough w/ that man. Well also haven't slept in about 4 or 5 days & been up all night & now feel a little sleepy so gonna catch some zzz's before I lose 'em. Will look into those meetings.... really need them. Thanks again everyone don't know how the support helps especially right now. God Bless.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Smiley, honey I am so sorry. I have so much I want to say to you but don't have time now either.
I just wanted to welcome you to SR, tell you that you are not aone, ( unfortunately what you are going through is happening everyday ) and that you have come to a really good place. The people here are wonderful, and you will find much support here & a whole lot of good advice??
Hang Tough Smiley, things will get better.
I just wanted to welcome you to SR, tell you that you are not aone, ( unfortunately what you are going through is happening everyday ) and that you have come to a really good place. The people here are wonderful, and you will find much support here & a whole lot of good advice??
Hang Tough Smiley, things will get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
Thank you "roxied" I plan to stay and like I mentioned will look into those meetings. My problem is I live out in the country... small town & takes me atleast an hour to get into the major cities. The nearest town is very small & doesn't have that kind of help.
Since this morning when I wrote the last post, my hubby's been contacting my mother wanting to know about me & what I say about the whole situation. Guess he thinks that
I'm gonna take him back again, but I'm not. I know by now he's probably taking it really hard cuz we've had no direct contact since he was arrested. He told my mother that he can't come by the house until I remove the protective order which I have no intentions of removing. I'm proud of myself that atleast I packed all his stuff & out it went. Well thanks for the support. It's really hard though. I try not to think too much about him cuz then I start remember'n all the memories & I start getting all emotional cuz I start to miss him. I don't know why this had to happen to him (the drug abuse), he used to be a good man & now he'll never be the same.... ever. I miss him around, but I'm never going back to him.... just hope God continues to give me the strength to do so. The other sad thing about it is starting all over again w/ everything especially being single. I always hanged in there cuz I didn't want to be single & doing all the single dating stuff.... I dread that. I hate this & I hate him for abandoning us this way.
Since this morning when I wrote the last post, my hubby's been contacting my mother wanting to know about me & what I say about the whole situation. Guess he thinks that
I'm gonna take him back again, but I'm not. I know by now he's probably taking it really hard cuz we've had no direct contact since he was arrested. He told my mother that he can't come by the house until I remove the protective order which I have no intentions of removing. I'm proud of myself that atleast I packed all his stuff & out it went. Well thanks for the support. It's really hard though. I try not to think too much about him cuz then I start remember'n all the memories & I start getting all emotional cuz I start to miss him. I don't know why this had to happen to him (the drug abuse), he used to be a good man & now he'll never be the same.... ever. I miss him around, but I'm never going back to him.... just hope God continues to give me the strength to do so. The other sad thing about it is starting all over again w/ everything especially being single. I always hanged in there cuz I didn't want to be single & doing all the single dating stuff.... I dread that. I hate this & I hate him for abandoning us this way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
Thank you for those cyber hugs :ghug3 I guess after 20 yrs its hard letting go especially when its not what you wanted & he gives me no better choice. I miss his company, but thats it. I'll manage somehow I have great friends too that have been in similar situations plus my family, especially my mother & her prayers. And you're right... overwhelming it is, but I know I can do this. I have too. Thxs for continued support.
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