Abundance

I am so flipping irritated and shocked and then not really shocked because it's not like this is anything new!!!

Well..... I just got transported today for a few hours back into addiction h3ll. My guy was proudly telling (lying to) me how he was working with not one sponsor, but TWO sponsors today.... going to a meeting AND doing IOP!!!! Wahooo! ---- NOT So... I'm in my al-anon meeting and I get a text from a good friend of his from where he used to live (while in active addiction)....... and my guy has been spotted - 100 miles away back in his old playground WITH his drug dealer! The text was letting me know he was back there... and he had spotted him driving down the main road. So the REAL reason he couldn't pick the boys up from my bro/SIL is not because of ... how he used the phrase "because my recovery comes first".... but because he was back in his old town!

So..... I leave my meeting and I call him and immediately start questioning him about his whereabouts... and he thinks I'm crazy thinking and talking... and that I'm just freaking out for no reason. Finally puts me on the phone with the drug dealer/friend, but saying it's really his sponsor..... and my codie ways are just BRIGHT and well... SO CODIE! It's like... hmmmm I'm giving my guy the benefit of the doubt after receiving a RANDOM text message from a friend saying that he was back on old turf... and I'm believing my guy!!!!!! Oh YEAH??????? "Really you aren't there... let me talk to your sponsor then!" Sponsor aka drug dealer ! GRRRRRRRRRRRR... THAT I am so mad about with myself.

Well a half hour later after me getting directions to his sponsor's house... STILL playing the stupid tape out in "re-action"... that I'm going to meet him there with his sponsor and be calmed that he really is not 100 miles away in drug land..... but with his sponsor working the steps.............. he FINALY calls to tell me that he is indeed out of town and in his old playground. He wanted to "test" himself to see how he would feel there again.... and how much he misses the mountains.... and didn't want me to know because he just "knew" I would fight him on it.

SO.... apparently he is now at IOP..... and then coming home to talk. Not sure if you guys can remember the last "lie episode".... the last one was him just talking to the dealer on the phone...... well now he has gone up to see him. But swears it was just for returning of books on religion....... not drugs!!!! :::sigh:::

I am mad the most right now at myself. I am disappointed in him, but I am mad at myself because I did not properly set the boundary of what will happen should he lie. I've said it to myself....... but just not to him. So my initial reaction is do NOT come home.... I'm not going to go through this anymore or ever again. Trouble is.... we never really sat down and talked about it. SO.... tonight when he comes home.... I'm going to make him write down the following: (I know this is childish, but it's what I need).......

"I do not have to lie about anything for any reason and as long as I am honest we will be in a relationship and will continue living together." "If I do lie, I understand that I will not be welcome home and will have to move out."


or should I just write this out to him......... and put it somewhere where we both can see it?

"If you LIE, I will confront the behavior and share my feelings.

If you continue TO LIE, I will SAY GOODBYE to take care of myself."


I mean....... what else can I do to get the flipping point across that I will NOT live in a house of lies? I'm at the point where we are at the "continuing" point..... NO MORE LIES.

Abundance

Interesting enough...... today's topic in Al-anon was "detachment!"

I called his IOP to get counseling today about this..... and his counselor shared with me that in his recovery the ground rule his wife set was this..... "If you lie.... we will not be married". He said as a result, they are still married and he does not lie to her! WHY????? Did I not set this in stone right out the gate of his return from rehab? Why did I not set this in stone when he lied just about that phone call?

I WILL NOT go through the actions/ behavior of addiction anymore. My life was upside down and topsy turvy when he was in active addiction. I do not and will not go back to that. I am proud of myself for being able to calm myself down and not give too many tears to this for more than an hour and a half today....... and instead became solution oriented.... so that is a good thing. And now we have to talk about it. I don't even want to hear about his "story" of why he went.... I'm still so dang mad about it. Yeah.... I'm mad at myself mainly though. And more so disappointed in him. I have compassion for him that he is fighting this and having a hard time.... which has just been a recent development.... truly for the most part we have both been doing so good in our recoveries! (me-codie/him-addict). The two of us have been getting on famously as well. But last night..... I did begin to wonder if he was traveling off to nowhere land... and I didn't let it get to me... I got up this morning and did my own thing.... and BAM........ now this!

So..... please send me vibes..... I need to stay strong..... and be tough in my love. It's important for me to stay within my boundaries.... and honesty is HUGE to me. I'm deserving of it .... I'm not taking this personally..... I am not a victim to it.... this is his battle - I understand that.... but I can not control-cure- or cause it.... I can only do those things for myself..... which is why having boundaries is SO important!

cece1960

(((Abundance)))
YOU can say enough at any time. You don't need to fire warning shots.
But if you're like me, the reason you didn't set in in stone is because you weren't ready.

Read your sig line with the three C's...it says a lot.
Your failing to set down the specifics did not cause him to retreat to his dealer, and had you, it may not have stopped him.

Time to move forward with a plan you can live with, given what you now know.
I know thats the hard part.

(((Hugs)))

Abundance

Maybe I wasn't ready because I knew that him slipping up and lying again was going to happen? And that is why I didn't do it? Exactly.... I'm not ready. Well... after the 1.5 hours today of me going from feeling totally secure and in somewhat of a healthy relationship and serenity to total and complete dysfunction and chaos..... I'll tell you what...........

I love him, but I HATE HATE HATE feeling the way I did today a helluva a whole lot more!!!!!!!! Nothing is worth it to me to ever feel that way again!

Abundance

My head is pounding and I'm now fuming angry again. I can't stand feeling this way. I am in awe that this even happened. Now I get to find out if he relapsed. He's going to be home any time now.... I don't even know if I am going to be able to handle this.

I'm angry because he manipulated me... he lied to me... and it just brought every thing back again. I'm trying so hard to look at this as a singular episode... but it's seeping in again. I feel like a fool... like how dare he make me feel as one. Handing me off to talk to his so-called sponsor... to get cross with me when I was interfering with his radical recovery plan to get the boys so that I could go to an al-anon meeting. To tell me that I was out of my mind for thinking he was out of town and not working with his sponsor.

My family has just recently become so supportive and happy for us as a couple. They are inviting us out together and saying so many wonderful things about him and now he goes and does this.

Taking5

Drug test him to see if he used or has been using.

And boundaries mean nothing if there are no consequences to him.

Abundance

He came home.... obviously high on oxy..... and denied it. I told him I didn't believe him and that I will drug test him tomorrow even though the IOP did it tonight. And then he takes a shower and I found 20 oxycodones in his back pack.... I KNOW snooping is bad, but I don't care right now. So.... I disposed of them and when he got out of the shower I told him. He thanked me. I took some time to myself and we talked calmly. It's amazing to me how much better I feel when I'm not being lied to! He was trying to tell me that it makes him hard to be honest from the accused stand point..... and that he was going to tell me the truth after he got out of the shower. Whatever.


So... I'm glad we talked..... I'm glad I disposed of the pills.... I'm glad we are in separate bedrooms tonight. I LOATHE this disease. We have a great relationship..... until opiates come into play. So now.... what?

We agreed when he was in rehab that he would go to an SLE if he relapsed. Tonight, even though he is high..... he is remorseful and trying to get his head round why he even did it to begin with. Babe.... cause you are an addict. He thinks it's cause he didn't go to a meeting for 3 days, but he did IOP on Monday. Whatever the reason.....

I'm spent... I can't believe this is happening, but then again I can! I'm trying very hard folks to not feel like the biggest idiot.. to not feel like a fool while I'm thinking that tomorrow I'm going to be on the fence with ...... what now? Stay here or move out??? I am in shock. I feel like I'm totally not able to deal. I just wish that I could have someone tell me what to do.... and let me do it. Cause while I know that there has to be a consequence....... this consequence SUCKS

rozied

You have every right to want to be in a relationship free of lies. You are not a fool, weak, or stupid.......you just are in a relationship with an addict. I know you love him but I found out yrs ago that love is not enough. You are at that point in your life now. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to you.
I know you will do what is best for you, when you are ready.
Prayers being said for both of you.

Ann

You know what you know, I don't think it needs to be validated by anyone. It's just how we codies are because we want so badly for what they are saying to be true.

It is what it is and you know what you know. Sound harsh? You betcha, and it took me a million and five years to get it. Because I wanted it to be different and I wanted to know something better instead of the truth. I snooped, I played codie detective like Nancy Drew gone wrong and I found proof and it still didn't help or change what was.

What helped me was to go to meetings and find a program that helped me regain my balance. Those meetings and working the steps literally saved my life. For me, today, it still is what it is...addiction and my son has been lost in it for years. I live my life well, I find beauty in every day and I have an inner peace that I never believed could be possible. I found a new way of living and a trust in God to take care of what I never could...my son.

No matter what ultimatums I set down, they never worked, at least not for long. My boundaries are about me and what I am willing and not willing to have in my life. It was hard to do that but once I did, I no longer had the front row seat at the drama of addiction.

I could not live in his disease and my recovery at the same time, and the only part of it all that I had any control over was me and my recovery. Living in the solution (my recovery) gave me a life that I never knew when I was living in the problem (his addiction and how it affected me).

I'm sending hugs and a gentle suggestion that you too try some meetings and see if your life doesn't become better because of it.

Hugs

splendra

(((((Abundance)))))

The hardest part for me was getting to the understanding that I can't make them get clean there is nothing I can do about their choices. It is hard to keep the focus on myself when they are doing such terrible things to themselves and to others.

My whole family are addicts and my H too it is spreading to the grand kids now one of my nieces is so pitiful everyone in the family has tried to help her she does some really unspeakable things. Two of my siblings have gotten clean it is so wonderful to see them straight but I can't trust it yet I still need to keep my distance with them for my own sanity. My H is bouncing back and forth and I am just really sick of him. I really want him to leave and some people think I ought to call the police to get him out. But, I tell ya I don't trust that I would not let him back in.

It helps me so much to simply keep the focus on myself. I am in the process of converting my garage into my space. I am happy to do this. I can put all my things in their place and enjoy my space. I will have my books, sewing machine, paints, guitars, computer and desk all set up the way I want it. I will eat, sleep, pray, play, paint, sew, read and write when I want to plus I have a very nice view of my garden from there.

My H is now a tenant and responsible for all his own stuff and he had better pay his rent is all I can say....

Take care of you I know it ain't easy but it is a great place to be.

JMFburns

((Abundance))
My most peaceful thoughts are heading in your direction.

You started the post with boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Focus on you and remember what your boundaries are - spoken or unspoken - it doesn't matter. You have a right to your feelings, needs and boundaries.

Impurrfect

(((Abundance)))

I'm so sorry you're going through this again. You got a lot of good advice. All I can say is when I had enough, I'd had enough....just like I did with the drugs.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Abundance

We agreed on the weekend of discharge from rehab that if he relapses he will go to an SLE. I have talked with 3 directors from rehap and IOP and they all are telling me that in order to HELP him and to be respectful to myself and my children that I have to stick with our original agreement. I have to cut ties.... no matter how painful it is in doing so.

Apparently him driving 100 miles to get loaded is not just a slip, but an actual relapse.... addict behavior. He has to suffer the consequences..... and by me not making that happen it is like me also relapsing.

I am so scared to do this. It's pain either way. Pain of him staying and pain of him going. Pain of him staying because I feel like then I am hurting myself and relapsing and not giving myself self-respect and also giving him the message that it is okay to relapse ever 67 days -which in the end hurts him. And then the pain of him going is going to be the pain of mourning and actually "letting go".... the boys are going to be so upset ... it is going to rattle us all more so in the beginning with this...... but then again... if this keeps happening... it's just going to prolong this pain. But as my guy said today... I'm future tripping and to just stay in the present and live for today. The director at the IOP said that was addict manipulation talking...........

WHAT DO I DO??????? Right now all I'm doing and have been doing since last night is lying in bed crying.

Impurrfect

(((abundance)))

Honestly, I agree with director at IOP. If you "stay in today" that means you forget what he just did...which is what he'd like you to do.

I say stick to your boundaries.....let him go to an SLE. He's counting on you backing down. If you do, he will keep thinking he can "slip" and get away with it. My relapse lasted only a week, but I had some HUGE consequences and that's why I'm going on 17 months clean.

I know it's hard on you and the kids, but he made a big, conscious effort to drive 100 miles away, get drugs, LIED to you, then only told you the truth when he found out you weren't going to believe him. They lying would bother me more than anything, although the relapse is huge.

Sending you hugs and prayers!

Amy

Impurrfect

oh, but Anvil, you said it so much better than me!

Abundance

He is refusing to go to an SLE.... he just is waiting for me to tell him to pack his things and go. He is in the guest bedroom. I don't know where he will go.... I haven't asked. He is ticked off with me for going to the same support group of people while in recovery..... his parents and the IOP.

I am slowly going out of body here.... I want to run away as fast as I can right now. I want to go to an al-anon meeting, but I'll just cry the entire time. I can't stop crying. I'm supposed to be showing strength and courage and can see it all over me that I am battling with this.

Abundance

I'm not even mad (right now) about the lying..... I'm scared and feel totally helpless.

I SEE IT .... I KNOW IT..... I KNOW what I SHOULD be doing..... but I'm scared. I'm scared because the ball right now is totally in my court. It landed in my court out of nowhere.... I just can't even believe this is happening. While - yes - he is an addict, but d@mn it.... he is / was in recovery... and now I'm suffering this all along side of him. I'm totally losing it. I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!! But I do... ... I just am not doing it.

Impurrfect

((abundance))

Think of how bad you're feeling right now. If he doesn't change, then years down the road you will be going through the same stuff, only worse.

I don't mean to tell you what to do..I just know I stayed in 3 relationships with A's and it was way longer than I should have. That time is gone. I can't get it back (I'm talking 20 years with one guy). I would just like to be able to save you from going through what I did.

Whatever decision you make, be sure YOU are ready for the consequences, too....whatever they may be.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Abundance

Amy.... I know. I think it is screaming neon bright to me that I am not ready to say goodbye. In order for me to do it, it's like I'd need a rehab or a meeting a day..... idk. I told him last night that, in the past, what happened with my EXAH.... is that I just finally had enough. I didn't care what he was saying or doing.. I just plain stopped giving a care of myself at all towards him. For a few years after I felt that my karma was bad because I had gotten to that point! I know that sounds crazy, but then again maybe not.

And I told my guy that I didn't want that to happen. I was able to do it in December, but we weren't living together and for almost 2 weeks I was a mess... tears in my eyes the entire time... lost about 15 pounds. I can't even phathom how it would be right now for me..... and now for the boys.

I asked for everyone to tell me what I should do... and probably what I was really asking because I know what I should do... what the all true healthy way of doing it is to ask him to leave.... but... I don't think I'm doing that. I don't think I am ready. And in doing so.... I'm just watching my self-respect go right out the window. What the heck is wrong with ME?! This isn't even about him now... it's about my choice.... my decision...

He said he is going to get back into recovery... and agreed that we would talk about this with someone... and that if I start to feel wonky tomorrow or the next day I can throw him out then! In a strange way, it's like - that really does give me comfort. This actually makes me want to throw myself more into me..... it's like escaping though. It's weird. Or maybe that just shows me how foreign it is to put my wants and needs first!

Hangin' In

I hate this for you, but in your gut you know what you need to do. Do you want to continue to feel like this, go through this again? Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Can you find a meeting TONIGHT? I'd drive any distance to get to one. And it does not matter one bit if you cry through the entire thing. You need support with skin on them.

One other question. Do you want your children watching this and then watching it and watching it?

I know you can't educate yourself overnight, but meetings have help me do that over time. And you have to start somewhere. NOW is a good time.

I know I finally took the plunge and began to do the hard task of changing when I was hurting so badly. Pain got my attention and I was willing to start making some changes.

Prayers for you cause I know how this hurts. But it CAN be better. You just have to want it bad enough to do the hard work, like going to a meeting even if you will cry the entire time. People at the meeting don't care if you cry. They are just glad you are there.

Hugs,
Hangin' In.