midknight

Hi all,

My fiance and I are on the rocks. For the three years we've been together we've had issues with her flirting and/or having very sexual correspondence with other men. She says she's been good and (long story why) I believe her. Where the alcohol comes in is she drinks 2-4 drinks every night and a couple of bong hits. I thought to myself in the beginning that that seemed like a lot but she was never a fall down drunk and did very well at her job. Though when we go out she seems to have no breaks and gets upset when I don't keep up with her. I have a few drinks, have a few sodas and then maybe have a few more. There certainly have been nights I haven't done this and paid with a nasty hangover. But it seems like she can't have any fun out on the town unless she gets drunk. If she's drunk and we fight she throws stuff and/or starts hitting me. I usually look her in the eye and say "You're hitting me" and she stops. The next day I know she feels guilty though she blames me for pushing her over th e edge, heh yeah right! I've had 2 people in the past 3 years ask me if she has a drinking problem. Recently we were seeing a marriage councelor. Recently after a fight she said that we were over and she didn't want to go. OK I decided to go myself. I had a VERY surprising session. The councelor said that all the mysterious circumstances were not good and that I wasn't making a big thing out of nothing like my GF claims. She also said she thought she was a functional alcoholic. I asked her to define that and I was surprised! I thought all alcoholics were fall down drunks.

Now I have 2 Q's for all of you. I KNOW I can't fix her but if I tell her what the councelor said she'll push away. Do you think there's a way that maybe a friend could do an interdiction. I mean I know she has a clue. She has several books on alcoholism on her bookshelf. Also her grandfather was an alcoholic. What's the best way to raise this up to her?

Here's where it gets complex. I was all ready to leave Friday night. Today I think she realized something had changed. She opened up to me and told me the truth about certain mysterious events, I wasn't happy but relieved my suspiciouns were confirmed. She does love me. I DO love here emmensly. She also has 2 kids that I've step fathered for the past 3 years. They say the wish I was thier real father.
So if I leave I loose 3 relationships. If there's any way to work this out I would love to find it.

Am I crazy for looking for a solution? or should I run as my councelor suggested....

What's the best way put the alcoholic bug in her ear. She seems to have an idea that she might have a problem.

Heart ripping in two,

Midknight

Ann

Midknight

First I would like to welcome you and thank you for sharing our journey through recovery. You will find that you are not alone here, that many have been where you are. Please take a read around and look at the "powerposts' at the top of the Nar-Anon and Al-anon boards. There is a lot of great information there that may help you get started.

You already recognize that you cannot change her, only she can do that. My guess is that she does already know she has a serious problem and telling her won't help. You might provide her with literature or information about AA meetings or recovery programs and hope she decides to make the effort. And if you haven't already attended an Al-Anon meeting, please do yourself the biggest favour and go - a 12-step program can save your life - I know it saved mine.

I guess that you have to take a good honest look at your relationship and decide if you can live happily like this for the rest of your life, because that could be the case if she doesn't get appropriate help. Even if she does go to a program, there are no written guarantees, and the real work begins after the program is over. It is a huge risk and if you choose to take it, fasten your seat belt because it is a long and rocky ride.

My suggestion would be to step back a few paces. Put the wedding on hold for now and see what happens. She may promise you many things, but let her actions speak for how willing she is to carry through.

I am happy you came to join us, and am sending welcome hugs and prayers for you and her and her children.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Midknight.

Welcome and double ditto everything Ann said. Sadly we have to treat people as an "as is" commodity. Just like she is, do you want to live your life with her? Do the perks outweigh the problems? Only you can know that.

Please keep coming back. We've all been there and we DO want to hear it.

Hugs,
Smoke

lyn_blossom78

Midknight:

You seem like a wonderful person to care so much! You have already heard some of the best information, so I just want to encourage you to keep coming back. Make yourself at home.

Lyn

EyesOpen

Whoa!

She's supposed to be responsible for two other human beings, and can't even control herself?

Sexual promiscuity? Alcohol? Bong hits?

Hello... what's wrong with this picture? Does this sound like adult behavior?

If you stay, sounds like you'll be the parent of her and her children.

constant

The others have given you some great advice, but I just wanted to underscore the piece about deciding if you could live with her like she is? Alcoholism is a progressive desease and if she doesn't seek help......more than likely her behaviour will deteriorate over time. It is a lot to think about, but you have realized it BEFORE getting married.

Keep seeking help for yourself and working an al-non program. Delaying the wedding is a great idea until YOU are sure about your feelings and what you want to do.

Keep coming back, Constant

myles1

Hi,

It's nice that you care but do you really want to marry someone who likes to flirt, meet other men,drink alcoholically, and use addictively?

What about you?

Ngaire

midknight

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I think I just realized I'm co-dependant. I talked to our ADD councelor (who's recovered 20 years) and she suspects (like our marriage councelor) that Kristine does have a drinking problem and that I'm a codependant. Esp since my mother abused many perscription drugs. No wonder so many of my GFs have turned out to have addictions or be abusive. Man talk about a moment of clarity! It's all adding up. I read the power posts and they were GREAT. I understand how I'm enabling and I need to disengage, the hard part is how but I'm ready to figure that out. WOW! Well I am jumping in with both feet. I realize now how much I was trying to control and fix her! My nickname even alludes to my problem, I'm always the knight riding in to rescue the maidens! This knight needs to get off his horse and save himself. I'm going to go to the next al-anon meeting I can and my friend Susan (who once asked if Kristine had a drinking problem) along as her father was an alcoholic and she still goes every once in a while. Inside or outside this relationship I'll learn what's here to be learned and embrace the journey, though it feels at times like it's going to rip me in two! Well they say the hottest fires make the strongest steel! Thanks again everyone and thanks Sober Recovery, my life is changing....man it's scary

"Into the great wide open...(Tom Petty)"

-John aka Midknight

Daffodil

Just kidding! Midknight....

Do keep coming back....

Please do go to at least 6 Al-Anon meetings before deciding for sure it's not for you....

At Al-Anon as well as here:

Take what you can use and leave the rest.....

CAUSE I promise you more will be revealed as you recover.....

I have never been on such an awsome journey ever....

Love and prayers from one who cares.

still learning

(((MidKnight))) Thanks for sharing! It's a miracle you are here with us. Wow! It's wonderful that you are going to go to some meetings for you! There's nothing like being codependent (an enabler). I've been one for a long time, but now I'm dealing with this addiction "the need to be needed" day by day. It takes courage. Sounds like you are courageous, for sure! "Keep coming back. It works".