cmhcali

I am not sure if this is where to post about relationships and recovery but I need to help fast. I cannot call my sponsor as I am at work. I am having heart palpitations and finding it hard to breath or concentrate (I have anxiety). I am on the verge of tears.

As I have posted before I am friends with my ex-boyfriend. He drives me to AA meetings and to me with my sponsor as I am without a license. The truth is I want him back and find it so hard to be his friend. He tells me he cannot talk about our relationship until he finish the steps. He will make amends someday. He tells me he loves me. He hints at hoping this process makes him better so we can be better someday. I just cannot take it anymore. It seems so easy to him.

He basically texted me yesterday that I was hot and that he had to control himself when he was around me. I read a bit about this Sex step and it talks about using people or whatever through sex. So I asked him if he had in the past used me for that. He said in a round about way he had but would someday need to work that out and it was not right. Well this set me off.

I sent him a text this AM stating I missed him. He said Yes U2!! Than I have all these thoughts going through my mind. It is making me sick to my stomach. I am praying to god for help and guidance and before I know what to do I send him a text saying I cannot be his friend that i want more and I cannot do it anymore. He says to call my sponsor and say a prayer.

I know that is what the steps are about. I am starting them myself. But we were together for 4.5 years and he cannot even tell my what exactly went wrong until he completes the steps and is ready to make amends to me. I have my own ideas but never confirmed from his mouth.

I want this pain to go away and I need you guys for guidance and to keep me in my seat. I will call my sponsor after work but that is in 5 hours.

TTOSBT

cmh,
Okay girlfriend, breathe.
What exactly are you doing? You do know that this is exactly what your disease wants right? To distract you with relationship drama so that you will stumble.
You are in NO position to be worrying about getting back into a relationship with your ex - ESPECIALLY if he is trying to work a program and get healthy.
If you want to take yourself out, fine, but do it alone, go find a normie.
honey, I know that sounds harsh, but opnly because I really do care about you.
You do not know what the steps are about but you should be learning! PLEASE focus on them and YOURSELF!!!
Keep talking, I will keep an eye out for you all day.

cmhcali

Yes I do know what the steps are for. I truly believe in them. There was just never any closure. I need to accept that. I keep praying trust me I do... I am just a wreck. I need the harshness the truth it all so I can remember that it is my disease and not me....

tommyk

"You do know that this is exactly what your disease wants right? To distract you with relationship drama so that you will stumble."

Yup.

You can work through this with rational, sane thinking.

No need for panic, anxiety, and over-reacting.

The situation is what it is. No less, no more. Calm down, stay sober.

Act in a responsible manner, nothings happens as fast as you want it to happen.

cmhcali

The good part is it is now only 4 hours until I can call my sponsor. I have calmed down a bit but still feel nausea and unable to concentrate. I keep praying for strenght and reminding myself that I cannot bear this cross on my own. THat I need to rely on my God to help me through it.

I do not think I want to drink. I just think I want the pain to go away. I just want to go to bed.

TTOSBT

Ok then!
Have you worked Step 3 yet?
It is time to turn this over.
Let's say the Step 3 prayer together....

"God, I offer myself to thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

cmhcali

Yes I did it yesterday for the first time and started my writing yesterday. I will keep saying this prayer until it sinks in. I sometimes need to repeat things about 20 times until my brain gets tired

THank you so much TTOSBT and Tommyk. I am doing this for me to free from my bondage and I need to work and remember that everyday whenever the going gets tough

cmhcali

Thanks Jeeplady. I think I like to take the easy way out. When I feel pain I run. When I feel fear I run, and than I regret and than I resent. I am starting to work on this but I am still sick and I think I may have done it this time. But I need to turn it over to god.

cmhcali

Has anyone here done the steps? Just curious not that it matters?

adore79

All I can add is not to make any rash decisions while you are upset. Just focus on work and what you need to do now and then call your sponsor when you get off work. I hope this works out soon for you.

cmhcali

Thanks Felly You have been a great support as well!!! I think I always make rash decision taht is my alcoholic mind. I can never just sit with something. It always turns dramatic. I need to stop this adolescent behavior It just really gets to me sometimes.

tommyk

"Has anyone here done the steps? Just curious not that it matters?"

I do my best everyday to live the steps.

The steps are never far from my current thoughts.

TTOSBT

Still working them. I am also on Step 4....

cmhcali

The reason I ask is I am on Step 4 as well. Just started yesterday and I truly believe in this process. But I am afraid I will be the alocoholic that fails which I guess is somewhat common. Does it get easier living life after doing the steps.

TTOSBT

Nope, you don't have to be. You are right where you are supposed to be
That is what they tell me. I am feeling better already as I keep practicing at turning it over. My sponsor gave me an assignment on Ste 3, to make a God box. I decorated it and everything. This is the box that I put my "stuff" in to turn over. I write it down on a piece of paper and put it in my box for God to take. I love it!

cmhcali

TTOSBT - that sounds like a great idea. I may need one of those boxes

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I did find life easier when I started recovery. I am not an AA person, but I made some big changes in my life in order to stay sober. Forgiving myself was one of the most difficult things to do. Another really difficult thing to do was to let go. I realized that I had been a control-freak and that it had simply exhausted me. When I was able to let go of things in my life, life became so much easier.

Try to focus on yourself and your recovery and things will work out.

cmhcali

Thanks Anna... I frequently exhaust myself with emotions. It is good to hear that you were able to overcome it which give me hope Someday I will smile again. I miss laughing.