LouLou629

I have a question regarding my times spent in drunken stoopers where I blacked out...I know that its within blackout territory to feel severe anxiety and fear the next day and even for a long long time over all the what ifs of the mis placed events...Heres my dilemma...The last night I got really drunk and blacked out I was with less than savory company..I recall bits and pieces and then there are total blanks..My fears are of course what happened during thosetotal blanks..but it seems strage to me that I remember little fragments throughtout the course of the night..up until I went into bed and passed out...What am I not remembering..I have gone crazy and made myself sick to my stomach trying to "recall" anything..All of a sudden I am "remembering" all of these icky things..but not quite really remembering because its like a faint fog in which I al seeing these things happen..not like the bits and peices of the evening I really do remember with no problem...I guess my question is this- does anyone think its possible I am just making up situations to I dont fear the unknown so much even though those situations i think I may recall are my worst fears..If I remember some parts up until the bitter end would it make sense that I totally block out other happenings...that were possibly sop dreadfull I just cant recall...Does anyone else torture themselves this way? I feel sick in the head...Tell me I am not crazy and alone

TTOSBT

God yes!
I can not tell you how great it is to remeber every conversation I had and not to wake up and cringe every day. I was a serious drunk dialer.
When I wrote my first step, I relived a lot of those times. I am just grateful today that I never have to feel that way again. I broke my elbow 5 years ago. I STILL do not know how.
Stop torturing yourself and start with Day 1. I love AA, so I will say it. Get to a meeting, you will feel so much better!

Dee74

LouLou there are things I still don't remember *at all* that other people, independently, have confirmed I've done - and this is like 10 years ago.

It's possible you'll make up stuff to fill in the blanks, sure I've had many nights that weren't as bad as I'd imagined them to be...apparently LOL

It's not that we're remembering some bits and not others because they were so bad - we poisoned ourselves and abused our bodies and our brain - we're just getting random flashes of memory that's all.. usually that's all that's left.

Is this the same blackout you've written about before?

In the end, what's done is done.

And I don't mean to sound pat, cos I've obsessed over a drunk night many many MANY times - I know how HARD it is to let it go.

But...you have to.

It's gone - that night's history - it's never coming back.
Whatever happened, happened.

Focus on the now - today.

Put that mental energy you've spent worrying on something positive.

I see you're working on sobriety
Continue working on the problem so that blackouts themselves become a memory

good luck
D

Jules62

I had an entire conversation on *****-messenger once(thankfully with a good friend) that I have no memory of-even now.They kept the transcript and refused to show it to me the next day.(We were typing and yes-it was bad-I was completely gone-drunk out of my mind) I had flashes of what I'd said the next morning (just awful) but no real memory of anything specific-other than that I knew I'd hurt them.I felt sick and guilty and wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

This is a good friend who I love dearly-and that night?Abused horribly.

It was a turning point for me.

But like Dee said-you just have to move forward in your recovery.Make amends where it's appropriate but don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up over what 'may' have happened.Believe me-if it was that bad?The people involved will let you know.

If nothing else, it's just another reminder of why we don't want to go back there.

Julesxox

LouLou629

Thanks for the feedback....yes its pretty much one night that i write about and obsess over..it was the last night I blacked out..almost a year ago. I hate that I still obsess over it, its even been confirmed that nothing really bad happened ( well I was throwing myself over someone ) really embarassing because I am and have been madly in love with my guy for 5 years..how could I behave so crappy I dont know and the thought of how I was acting makes me sick.....I uess my conflict now is that I feel like I cant forgive myself until I feel like my boyfriend would forgive me..but should I go there and tell him " look one night a year ago I got stupid drunk passed out while trying to make the moves on a total stranger and thank god I am pretty sure that nothing real happened beyond sloppy embarassing flirtation".....should I just let it go? Is it worth it to say something

ForeverDecember

80% of the time that I drink I don't remember most of the end of the night. Sometimes I wake up on the couch, on the floor, naked, half naked, in strange houses - with no idea how I got there or who I was with. One of my main reasons for wanting to be sober is so that I stop losing this time, and so I don't have to put myself through the shame and guilt of trying to remember what I did. I think we do tend to make up things - I know I've done it before. I was paranoid that I posted drunk in a forum once (not this forum) and I had actual memories - the hazy ones you described - where I could remember posting, and remember the words I wrote the way the screen looked - everything, but not quite a 'solid' memory but I was sure it was real. Until I checked the forum and I hadn't posted the messages. Maybe I had written them, and just didn't post them - maybe I was remembering that part. There are other memories like that - hazy maybe memories - but I have no way to prove them one way or another. There's a song lyric - "Is this a dream or a memory?" - that I apply to these times. It's like when you've misplaced your keys and you can visualise them in every place you think of - the table, the bookcase - everywhere but they aren't there.

When I do feel awful and know I've done awful things I do feel terrible, but I think to myself - 'in six months time will this still be an issue? in one month's time will this be an issue'. That usually helps me over the little things - time makes everyone forget, even me. Yes I did something bad. Yes I said something bad. Yes I feel like crap. Yes I feel ashamed. But it happened - there's no way to change that. I just have to work to make sure it doesn't happen again by staying sober.

ForeverDecember

I posted my reply before seeing your second one LouLou - I personally would not tell him.

You don't know what happened but you know you acted badly. By telling him the only one who will feel better about it is you - and you probably won't feel that much better. I wouldn't tell, just make a resolve for it not to happen again. If it were the other way around would you want to know? If nothing happened then I know I wouldn't want to know. You'll only hurt him.

I was in a similar situation once - my boyfriend of many years was at home and I was visiting with a friend. I ended up playing strip poker for some stupid (drunk) reason, and remember that I 'flashed' the guys at the table. It never went anywhere, I didn't touch anyone or allow anyone to touch me, it was all just stupid drunken "fun" (I shudder at the memories). I came home and was sick with guilt - I'd be horrified if he'd done that while I was at home. So I told him. For the rest of our relationship he thought and truly believe I slept with someone. His reasoning was that I couldn't feel that guilty unless I'd cheated on him. All telling him did was make him feel upset and make him stop trusting me - I still had to live with it, but now he had to live with it too. In hindsight it wasn't fair to him.

LouLou629

Ok...You know, thats what I thought..I really really appreciate you reading and your advice....today is 24hrs for me....I have sworn for the last nine months since that icky night I blacked out and acted out- that it would NEVER EVER happen again..I even stayed sober for three..I felt like the longer I stayed sober the closer I was to my shameful past being completely wiped out and I felt empowered and strong it was great, and then slowly I got back on the party wagon (because I learned right? How to moderate and drink normally lol ha!) and although I havent gotten that drunk since last November..I wake up ashamed and guilt ridden after an evening of just two glasses of wine....I am glad I found this site..I need suppoert and it really helps to be able to hear others stories like mine..it makes me feel less of a looser and weak failure.. bordering totally crazy obsessive compulsive maniac LOL!...I feel at home...Good luck to you...stay with it..I will try hard with you...one day at a time..gone are the days of obsessive thoughts and sickening anxiety..I welcome a life of clarity and appreciation for the simple things..not enduced by booze.... Again thank you for your kind helpful words

Pagekeeper

LouLou,

I'm also a blackout drinker (32 days sober!) and if it's any consolation, I don't know many women blackout drinkers who have not experienced what you experienced at some time. The fact is, as alcoholics we often surround ourselves with other sick people, and these types of things happen. The best thing you can do to show you are sorry for this behavior is don't drink. Once a blackout drinker, always a blackout drinker, and you can bet it will happen again if you continue to drink. That's just the stone cold truth. I never planned blackouts, who does? But 80% of the time that's exactly what happens to me when I pick up a drink.

Hevyn

Hi LouLou. The first night I decided to stay over at my fiancee's house I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom & stumbled in to his (grown) son's room by mistake. Apparently I made quite a scene. (Beyond belief for shy, ladylike me.) I had no memory of it - but the next day my fiancee said his son had said, "Dad, she was wasted - knocking stuff over...." I hugged his son & apologized & he said, "It's cool" - but I know he's probably never been able to get that image of me out of his mind. Our relationship is just polite, not what I'd hoped for. As Dee said, we have to let it go - it's self-destructive thinking that leads us back to drink - and no amount of regret is going to re-write the incident. What I should have done is never pick up another drink - but I continued on my path for another 7 years, this time insisting I really must drink less. This night is on my list of reasons for never picking up again. If I was capable of doing something so humiliating when I was trying to impress these two men, then what else might I have done? To let myself off the hook a bit, I tell myself that was NOT me, that was the insane me - a person who bears no resemblance to the real me. While it serves to help keep me sober by remembering it once in awhile, I've become better at dismissing those thoughts and moving on with my real life, the one in front of me now. Consider it a priceless lesson learned and proceed with your new life, LouLou. Thanks for letting us help. Love, Joanie

tommyk

Keep the thoughts of your blackout(s) in the forefront of your mind.

Remember them every day you feel like drinking.

When you feel like drinking, just think about where it could take you AGAIN.

Just my opinion, good luck with your recovery.

Toomutch

I blacked out about 8 out of 10 times since I was 15. Lucky to still be alive.

HideorSeek

LouLou, let me add a welcome to SR. One of the best things for me about talking to other alcoholics is that I feel I am not alone. So many of my bizarre escapades are not unique to me at all, and that is comforting. If I go down the road of keeping my secrets, feeling unique in a horrible way, I'm headed toward isolation. And once I isolate, I'm in trouble.

Come over to the August thread if you want. We're a fun bunch who are h*ll bent on achieving and maintaining sobriety!

parentrecovers

black outs are the thing, besides overdose, that worries me the very most about my daughter's using and drinking.

grantstrength1

Before I stopped drinking, I blacked out EVERY single time, even when I would try not to. The last night I blacked out I woke up and realized that I had sex with someone and I am married (10 yrs)! But I realized that (at least I'm pretty sure) that I was not an active participant. That's when I decided to never drink again.

And yes, I too was known for throwing myself at strangers and basically (so I have been told) turn into a total *****. But not anymore. Sure, I still struggle with not liking myself but everyday it seems to get a little better. Beating myself up only led to more using to make the guilt go away. So try not to think about the bad stuff that happened when you drank. Now is the time to thank God and celebrate the fact that you are sober today!:ghug3

353

MADE DIRECT AMENDS WHEREVER POSSIBLE EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS

Is it worth inflicting pain on this man you love in order to feel better about yourself?

I'm sure this man isn't perfect....be quick to forgive him when you have the opportunity and in doing so you will be forgiving yourself.

That's my opinion. I try not to seek forgiveness, I try to give forgiveness.

I find that when I live in a forgiving manner I'm not driven by resentment to do all things I hate myself doing. It sounds backwards I know, but I find serenity in not being perfect and allowing others to not be perfect too.

God's Peace

Grateful Heart

This thread bought back alot of memories for me. I can't count the times I blacked out. But what was really embarassing was the times I was talking on the phone to family or friends while drunk and the next day wouldn't remember anything I said beyond the first "hello". It was too painful to ask them what I had said or if I was making any sense. I'm so thankful that they loved me enough not to mention it. Grateful Heart.

LouLou629

MY LORD ! All of these kind words and encouragement from complete strangers has brought me to tears..I LOVE YOU ALL..Thank you really so so much..day two here I come..I feel empowered and loved and just so thankfull I found you guys