JMFburns

I've spent most of the weekend alone, in the house with just the dog & cat to keep me company so it has given my mind some time to wander - not always a good thing.

I wasn't feeling the best on Friday, so stayed home from work. I saw my AS had tried to call, so on my walk to the gas station to put air in my bike tires, I returned the call. He said "hi" but claimed he was on his way into Target so would call me back. The thought went through my brain that he almost sounded like he was crying, we'd already hung up & I'm trying really hard to let him work on his own life and not have as much contact/involvement, so I let it go. Couple hours later my AS sent me a text asking what my car license # was. Odd, because he has my car . . . then sent another text saying nevermind. I was riding my bike so didn't answer them anyway, I sent him a text later that I was resting to get the energy to bike home. Never heard from him the rest of the day. I didn't hear from him yesterday. I sent him a text this morn (Sunday,) just said "hi" and let him know I was checking out a church I'd never been to before (good church service.)
I'm not letting it consume me and have not tried to call or text again - like I said, I'm trying to not have the daily (or more) contact we had. He still calls me, but will go a couple days without sometimes. I can't help but think something is not right.

I know there are some here that have no contact w/their adult children. I was just wondering did it just happen one day or was it a gradual thing?

This 'stuff' is starting to really sink in for me, in so far as, I work on me and am responsible for me and that his life or recovery is for him to work on. No amount of money given to him, love expressed to him, things bought for him, etc. will make him happy, clean, good, etc. I've spent two years trying to buy his happiness and am broke myself and he is no further ahead, or happy by my definition then he was two years ago. I can only live my life and I hope that I am walking the path that my HP has laid out for me. I have to put my AS in my HP's hands and look the other way. Maybe the "other way" for me is down my path?

Thanks for the opportunity to post and get some of the the wandering thoughts out of my head so there's more room for serenity and peace.

Take care.

marle

With my daughter the no contact thing was gradual. First a day or two and then a month or two and so on. Addicts in active addiction feel a tremendous amount of guilt when they contact their loved ones. And sometimes it is like my daughter told me, "I never stopped loving you but I just couldn't care." You are right that you need to focus on yourself. It is very difficult sometimes but it is all you really can do. You have seen that no amount of money, love, etc. will make a difference until your son is ready to change. Prayer helped me. Happiness is an inside job. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Marle

CatsPajamas

It helped me a lot when I realized that my son had some really important life lessons to learn and they weren't from me. It also helped to come here and read , read and read some more from other moms who had been thru some of the things I was going thru. I learned that I could love my son to DEATH if I got in his way and kept him from experiencing some of his own consequences.

Hugs from mom to mom.

lil516

Just sending some hugs to let you know that you are not alone...

sending prayers that this gets easier

maggie6

My son and I were so close until the drugs came along. i havent seen or talked to my son in 4 months. i have come to learn through many meetings and support that when they are in active addiction the only thing they care about is their next high. Its not thant they dont love us its that the person the drugs have turned them into is not the child we raised. I hope and pray my son finds his way back to his family before its to late. I have tried everything in my power to help him but like the saying goes until they are ready to stop there is nothing we as parents can do. it is the saddest thing a parent can go through and i have found so much support from so many people here . My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain.

TTOSBT

Hi jmfburns!
I think your keeping your distance is a good thing except, why does he have your car and you are on a bike? I had to ask because the asking what your plate number was has me worried that something he has done will come back on you....

sleepygoat

TTO makes a good point. I'd wonder about that 'plates' question, too. but also agree with everybody that the decrease in calling each other is good.

with me and my AD, it has varied a lot. After we had to throw her out, she called only 3 times in a whole year. That was hell, because she was on the street and I had no way to contact her and didn't know where she was....
Now, she calls maybe once a week. but she'll say "I gotta go, I'll call you back in 10 minutes" and then I won't hear from her for 2 weeks. Kind of crazy making, unless I have zero expectations and take each instance of contact as its own thing.

rozied

Dear JMFburn, Yes I was going to ask the same question. Why does your son have your car? Does he have a valid drivers license? Does he usually live with you? How old is he?
I certainly would be concerned & thinking he might of had an accident & was afraid to tell me & that was why he wasn't calling.
Being he has your car I don't think it is out of line to call him. That is certainly very thoughtless of him.

JMFburns

Thank you all for posting. Like I mentioned, it helps to get the thoughts out of my head and then reading the posts helps me to see things from a different view.

marle, lil516, and maggie6 thank you for your support.

CatsPajamas, it is funny you mentioned that your son has lessons to learn. I found a post where you had said that before and wrote it down to remember it!

sleepygoat, my AS says that "Can I call you right back?" and then he doesn't. Whatever . . .

Background:
My AS is 27, he is staying w/old neighbors and/or his exgf's friend (also addict.) I paid his 1/2 of rent for about 2 yrs when he lived w/gf but then she moved out & I was out of money to pay rent for him. I share apt. w/24 yr old daughter, who has no contact w/her brother & doesn't want him in our apt. I own 2 cars, one he was driving & one I was driving. The car he was driving was having problems so I let him take mine & parked the other at my apt. I thought he needed a car to find a job or possibly live in??? (Read February 15th in Nar-Anon SESH book - sounds like me!) I do not have the funds now to fix the other car which I (or he) will do.

I know, I'm not perfect but I am actually proud of other progress I have made in my recovery. (Wow, pretty defensive huh?!?) :codiepolice

Impurrfect

((JMF))

I think you are definitely making progress!

I, too, wondered about the car thing...only because when I was active, it was normal to rent a car out for dope, and most of the time you wouldn't get it back when you were supposed to (if ever) or it was damaged. I had a car totalled and 2 cars "stolen" when I was using...all within 6 months.

It concerns me because anything done illegally in your car, if it's your name, can come back on you.

You are doing good. We can't detach all at one time (or at least I couldn't). I just kept taking baby steps, gaining confidence with each one.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

BBD

Hi JFM~ I finally did have contact with my son this past week-end after almost 3 weeks. We only talked on the phone cause my hubby and I were off on a harley run...for a great purpose. It seems he checks in every few weeks to see what we're up too. We used to talk daily until he moved an hour away. Chris is working and says he's fine and I am living with that and not judging anymore. It took me so long~~but this is his life, he knows we love him and if he is or isn't using~~thats his ballgame now. The bank closed down the last time he moved out and so far~so good. I know its hard to not "worry" daily but you'll get better at it with support. You know you can PM me anytime. It's been a very worrisome, heartbreating road for me so I know what your feeling and sometimes its enough to make you feel literally sick. We're all learning together here and its wonderful to have such great support when your down. Hugs and hang in there~~Bonnie

BBD

I certainly would be calling him to find out about your car though.......Good luck!!