A tale of two addicts

Old 08-02-2008, 01:34 PM
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Unhappy A tale of two addicts

Hello, I'm new here. In fact this is my first post.
Last night I spent many hours trying to find a support system to deal with my two addict family members, because up until this point I've been trying to cope with only my husband to confide to; he is wonderful, but has no experience with addiction and is sometimes just as clueless as I am.

Both my mother and sister are addicts. Because of their lies and deception, I am constantly second-guessing and doubting my own perception. I feel so much guilt and shame associated with my relationship with both of them. Maybe I'm not there for them enough. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe I just need to have more empathy for what my sister's going through. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so I'd better explain what's going on.

My mother has been an addict for as long as I can remember. She'd been hooked on painkillers since her early '20s and had me a few years later. I remember, for the first four years of my life, feeling pretty secure and stable in a clean, orderly house with a mother who was always there for me. We moved when I was five, and things abruptly changed when she had a hysterectomy. She began spending days at a time in bed, she cried a lot more, and I wondered what made mom so tired that she'd nod off at the dinner table. My dad ended up in jail because she had forged a prescription and sent him to pick it up. He ended up taking the fall for her addiction.
Chaos and disorder became an ever-increasing presence in my life throughout my elementary school years. When I was five, my mom and I were kidnapped by one of her dealers, and we drove around town with a gun pointed to her ribs as he forced her to make several bank transactions. It lasted for hours, and finally we were let go.

My parents divorced when I was eleven, which made life even worse. During the divorce, we were told how despicable our dad was, and how selfish he was for spending all his money on expensive cologne while we wore old, out- of-date clothing. She'd constantly remind us of the spankings and the awful things he'd say to us when he'd come home from work. While it is true that he had a terrible temper and was rather emotionally/physically abusive toward us, It seemed important to her that we remembered how much we were victimized by Dad.

After the divorce, my mom completed her LPN degree, but wasn't able to pursue her R.N. because she claimed that my Dad wrote a letter to the college, stating that she had a drug-addiction. She was kicked out of the program for drugs. She began working 12-hr. shifts in nursing homes, and in my teens I'd find bags of morphine and needles hidden in various places thoroughout the house. When she was home from work, she was either at a club, bringing home a new guy to sleep with, or sleeping. Rarely did we actually spend any time with her.

When I was 18 she began working home-health, and the bags of morphine were no longer as accessible. She needed a new source. So she began creating illnesses or using past car accidents as reasons for hustling pain-killers from her doctors. Then she was in an actual car accident later on that year, which left her bedridden with a severely fractured pelvis and collarbone. That meant more opiates.

Her pelvis was never the same, and she was left with chronic pain. She spent all her time trying to find pain relief, but her docs became wary of her and stopped prescribing enough Tylenol 3s to support her habit. She'd need a new RX every other day.

When in withdrawal (Which, again, happened every couple of days or so), she'd become suicidal. Between the time I was 13 until the time I moved out at 21, I had wrestled a fishing knife from her hand so she wouldn't slit her wrists, attempted to take a gun from her which the police finally succeeded in doing, and had been a passenger in the car she was trying to roll so she'd kill both her and us, thus 'ending her misery' from drug withdrawal. The car incidents would happen so frequently, I couldn't keep track.

Back to my late teens. While my mom was so wrapped up in her own addiction, my sister, J. became involved in an extremely abusive relationship, one which affected all of us. She met him when she was 15 and I was 17, and he was addicted to pot and meth, which she also began using for at least a short period of time because she couldn't cope with all the times he'd call her a dirty piece-of-****, a *****, and either confine her to their room or sit on her chest so she couldn't scream as he'd hit her.

I became pregnant with my first child, a girl, when I was 17. My sister and her boyfriend lived in the basement. I had a suicidal, crazy mom in withdrawal begging me to help her die in one room and a sister who was being verbally abused and beaten in the basement, at least 75 percent of the time. Life was hell. When my baby was 6 mos. old, my sister's boyfriend and future BIL was coming down from crystal meth and had a very violent episode in which he held all of us hostage inside our home with a hammer. He said he'd bludgeon my mom to death if any of us tried to leave and call the police.

What's so sick about this whole thing is that when I finally had him put in jail and he was released, he was able to make me feel like a heartless, awful person for turning him in. And my sister, who had been my best friend and the only source of love and relative security for so many years, began to believe that the rest of her family were 'out to get them'. During the abuse, my sister relentlessly and unconditionally defended her abuser, and he was allowed to continue living in our house, eating our food and beating my sister while we all felt sorry for poor Jerry.

My sister started abusing opiate painkillers during her relationship with Jerry, but noone noticed. We didn't notice, even though family heirlooms were disappearing, she was losing weight and becoming increasingly withdrawn, and she was beginning to show symptoms of withdrawal not unlike what my mom was experiencing.

In 1997, when I was 19, my mom finally joined a methadone clinic. She's been on methadone ever since. The good news about this is, she doesn't go through withdrawal and is relatively emotionally stable. The bad news is that she has never come to terms with her own addiction. She doesn't think she's an addict in the traditional sense of the word. She is resigned to be on methadone for the rest of her life. And she's left me feeling terrible confused because on one hand, her behavior is still very unhealthy but on the other hand, she's in chronic pain and seems to 'need' it.

She's now paying for my sister's heroin. My sister left Jerry but now has HIV from using tainted needles. She's dying, and because my mom hates to see her daughter in any kind of pain she's paying for the poison out-of-pocket.

She feels morally justified in lying to cover for my sister, for helping her score the drugs, because J. is in pain from her HIV and the unsympathetic docs won't give her anything for it. They're special, both of them. Everyone else is a junkie, but they need the drugs. And again, there have been times when I think 'maybe they're right and I'm being close-minded'.

There's so much more to write but this post is already so long. That's my unedited story, though.
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Old 08-02-2008, 02:00 PM
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Welcome to SR, blacksheep, and I'm glad you found a place to share your story and get support. I appreciate your courage in sharing so much of your story. I know many here will relate to it, and they will be along shortly to add their support. I need a little more time to take it in myself, but I wanted to first welcome you let you know we are here for you.
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Old 08-02-2008, 02:05 PM
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Wow, You are one amazing person.... You've found a great place with so many good people here who will be able to give you unconditional support and love.
I'm really glad you found us and are here....

****{BlackSheep}}}
**{those mean hugs, in case you didn't know

DWI

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Old 08-02-2008, 04:14 PM
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OMG - how much is one person suppose to take? I have no words for you because your story is so heinous. You are an adult now, take care of yourself and YOUR family. Even if that means leaving your birth family behind. You've done your time and paid your dues girl. Make sure that YOU don't repeat the same mistakes that your family taught you. End it here and now and have a healthy family of your own. Are you in counseling? If not, I would very highly recommend finding a GOOD counselor. Also, try NA or AA. As everyone here has told me many times, let go and let God. Your mother/sisters addictions are not within your control. Take the energy that you're putting into them and put it into your OWN family. BTW - Methadone is STILL a drug. My AH was heavily addicted to that only to get clean and go to oxycontin. AH said Methadone was WORSE for him than the oxy. So don't think that your mom is technically clean, because she's not.
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Old 08-02-2008, 05:06 PM
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((blacksheep))

Welcome to SR, it's nice to meet you! That's alot to handle. From my time here at SR, alanon, counseling. I'm learning the good news.
It's not my responsibility, I don't have to take care of adults, sick adults. I grew-up in a home that may share some similarities. I definately felt that it was my job and responsibilty, that to say, "no" was bad.. unloving.. etc. Other's happiness, other's physical and emotional health was definately controlled by me.

I'm sorry that your mother and sister are sick. I'm sorry your mom is buying the heroin for your sister. Just keep in mind- you will hear this a lot- you didn't cause it and you can't control it. That is their choice and they are adults.
Though you may have to accept it- who they are and what they choose to do. It doesn't have to be acceptable to you!
You can step back.. It is okay!!
One of the things that has really helped me- is reading, the posts here.. There are people who share similiar experiences- feelings. Have traveled the road. Excellent role-models for me- I read and I say to myself. I want that!!!
Thanks for sharing your story- I look forward to sharing the journey!!
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Old 08-02-2008, 07:53 PM
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Welcome...There's lots of support here from people who have all faced the pain of lovign an addict. Please read as much as you can, especially the stickies at the top of the page. I'm very sorry for all the pain you have experienced. Have you tried Alanon or Naranon? That face to face support is very helpful
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Old 08-02-2008, 09:15 PM
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Welcome, Black Sheep. There's a lot of really good information here on the site... take a cruise around and read some of the "stickies" at the top. You'll learn about many of us who have had some really difficult and scary lives because of the addicts and alcoholics in our lives.

It helped me a LOT to go to face to face Al Anon meetings. Are there any meetings in your area? Meetings helped me to understand what was and was not my responsibility, what problems were mine to solve and what ones I needed to stay out of. I learned the 3 C's - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I learned that I could love someone to death if I didn't allow that person to experience his own consequences.

We're glad you're here! I hope to learn more about you soon.

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Old 08-03-2008, 02:11 AM
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Welcome to SR thank you for your introduction.
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Old 08-03-2008, 04:25 AM
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Welcome to the SR family.

Pull up a chair and get comfortable, there is lots of valuable reading (learning) around here.
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Old 08-03-2008, 05:24 AM
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WOW...

Welcome to Sober Recovery!!

I hear ya. I was raised by 2 addicts and have 3 siblings and a husband who are all addicts. I have also had my bout with drugs and alcohol. I did decide over 20 years ago to get clean.

I have been lied to so many times that it is very difficult to discern what truth actually is. I do have some clues as when I am being lied to though 'cause if I actually believe it I start feeling crazy...needless to say I have gone to the very edge in my own sanity many times.

I hope that being here will help you feel not so alone in dealing with your family.

In all the years of dealing with addicted loved ones I have found that the only thing that helps me is to keep the focus on myself and keep my hands, thoughts, words and actions off of trying to solve their problems.
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Old 08-08-2008, 02:42 AM
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I just want to welcome you too and tell you that your story touched my heart. Please don't underestimate the trauma that you have been through. I know that, for me, the insane life that goes with living with an addict and make the life of insanity appear "normal", it's what we know, and it can be scary taking those baby steps of recovery into a better and healthier way for us to live.

Like others here, meetings literally saved my life and gave me hope for a better tomorrow. That promise of better days to come has come true for me and regardless of how my addict (my son) is doing (not well)...my life is happy and filled with light every day.

I'm glad you joined us on this journey of recovery and hope you know you are among friends here who understand.

Hugs
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Old 08-08-2008, 05:33 AM
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Welcome to SR. I am sorry for your pain. My daughter is my addict. She is currently clean from heroin and working a program. You will find a lot of experience, strength and hope here. So stick around and read and post. Hugs, Marle
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