cyclelady

I decided Monday that it was either my AH to leave or myself and our 3 kids. This daily drunkeness is crazy! Myself nor the kids seem to do anything right when he is around. He always yells at the kids or nasty talks me. He accusses me of making his blood pressure sky rocketed, as the dr. said he is a walking heart attack at 37 if he doesnt change his ways. He said that he went to a drug store and checked it on the one there and since he has not been home is is "perfect". He decided to leave so "the boys would still have their home." I know what I am doing is good for all involved but I feel sooooo guility. I do love him even after 13 years of struggle and hard work (i'm sure you all know) I know that A's are very good at making people feel this way, I'm trying to snap out of it but it seems so difficult.

My AH is staying with his parents (also his dad an A) and his oldest son from a previous marriage is with him as well. EVERYONE he hangs around with are either drug addicts or alcoholics, including family. How badly do I want him to "see" but I hear that people dont "see" until they reach their bottom. Is this possible if everyone he is close to is an addict? These people are around him at work and now at his parents. :codiepolice

I dont feel anxious or nervous, just sad for the kids. My 6 year old said that he doesnt have a daddy anymore. I try to reasure him that his daddy loves him, and he will always have a daddy. How do you explain to a 9, 6, and 5 year old? This just breaks my heart into pieces.

Tazman53

Focus on you and the kids, do what is best for you and them. Just be honest with them.

Barbara52

What in the world do you have to feel guilty about? You aren't pouring the alcohol down his throat are you?

Seriously, only he is responsible for his choices just as only you are responsible for yours. Its time to work on detaching emotionally from him and concentrating on doing wha tis best for you and your children. Not easy to do I know. But it is doable. And your children will thank you someday for providing them with a life without an active alcoholic father constantly in the picture. He will always be their father, they will love him but he will not be having the constant toxic effects on them.

Keep reading in here. Perhaps try AlAnon. Read some of the suggested books. You will get through this all.

penneypoo

Hello
I've been where you are countless times......you wonder if it's selfish of you to leave, trying to do what's best for the kids. It's always about the kids, I try to keep iall the chaos from them, protect them. When AH is gone life is truly peaceful, and there is no doubt we can survive without them. Their friends and coworkers are all users, and I think that's the problem, and he may not find recovery for quite a while.

Needless to say, we are still together, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm "one foot out the door" but chose not to disrupt my children's lives, although my AH only drinks maybe a couple times a week, if that. Hang in there.

kemarus

I always stayed with my AH for my kids too. Thought it was the best thing for everyone. As they got older though, the drinking bothered them in different ways. What was funny when they were younger, wasn't so funny anymore. It was embarrassing. Then they thought back to their earlier years and resented a lot of the things they had to deal with. Including my reaction to my AH and his drinking! As the teen years set in, their relationship with their father changed and it got bad. No relationship. They are great kids. Straight A students, not in trouble. They have big hearts. BUT, they are great kids with a lot of baggage right now. I'm not saying walk away if you are not ready. I am the last one to give advice on that. I am still with my AH. He is 30 days sober now but I also don't have the whole rest of my life invested in him anymore. Time will tell. What I am saying is that you should start to take care of you and the kids first. Focus on being ok yourself and helping them to be ok. Kids aren't kids forever and they will feel the effects of all you are going through. Just like mine. As they get older, they see and understand in a very different way what the A is in their lives. Only you know when the time is right to leave or not. In the meantime, do what you can to educate yourself and the kids in every way you can to prepare yourselves for whatever will come. Al-anon for you would be a great start.

Barbara52

As someone who grew up in an alcoholic household (both my parents were alcoholics) I can tell you that your children's experiences are already affecting them and will affect them the rest of their lives without some serious help and probably therapy. I am 53 and still working on my issues resulting from all the unhealthy behaviors and other lessons I learned growing up. I assure you, I knew from a young age that mom and dad were different, that I was at fault somehow, that if only I were a better kid things would be better, that no one must ever know about the things that happened in our little house of horrors. Kids know even if you think its hidden from them. IMO no one does a child a favor staying with an alcoholic because you think its better to stay together. IMO kids are better off with one healty parent than with an alcoholic parent involved in day to day life.

LaTeeDa

I stayed with my A, probably longer than I should have. One of my reasons was the kids. They loved their father then and they still love him today. I not only split up with him, but I moved to another town. I was so worried that they would be devastated. I had such guilt about the effects it would have on them. They were 13 and 9 when we separated. Tough ages, even when things are going well.

Three years later, I am happy to report that my children have absolutely blossomed. They have more friends than they had before, and they are not afraid to invite them home! They are happy and they laugh all the time. They participate in fun activities, without my pushing and encouragement. And they still get good grades. Oh, and they aren't afraid to talk to me about difficult issues. We have communication like we never had before.

I don't credit all this to the separation of me and their dad. Part of it was therapy, which they did for about a year. Part of it was their dad got sober after he lost us. But, I think part of it also was my example. I showed them that I thought enough of myself to get out of an unhappy marriage. I showed them that life can be difficult, but if you care enough about yourself, you can survive and thrive. My biggest regret is the example I set for most of their young lives. The example of an angry, controlling, frustrated wife who tried everything in the world to change their father without regard to myself. I only hope I got my head on straight in time that they will not make the same mistakes.

BTW, I think you can set a healthy example without leaving. The behavior is the key.

L