ITT: A retired drunk asks about al-anon.
Retired Pro Drunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
ITT: A retired drunk asks about al-anon.
(FYI - ITT = "In This Thread")
I just got my one year medallion. My better half is coming around on her 5 year medallion.
My first question (very tongue in cheek): why doesn't al-anon count slips?
My real question: Do you (in al-anon) ever start over with anniversary/birthdays? If so, when/why?
Just curious.
I just got my one year medallion. My better half is coming around on her 5 year medallion.
My first question (very tongue in cheek): why doesn't al-anon count slips?
My real question: Do you (in al-anon) ever start over with anniversary/birthdays? If so, when/why?
Just curious.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there JustAnother 
Congratulations on your one year, and a big applause for you better half's 5 year.
ok, if you want it on the humurous side, I'll give you the al-anon joke 
We don't count our slips in al-anon cuz we're so tired from counting _your_ slips in AA [joke]
The real answer. Some meetings do. But in general we don't becuase we have spent a lifetime dealing with a drunk spouse that reminded us every single day of just how incompetent, useles and unworthy that drunk thought we were. For us to focus on our fallible humanity would just be rubbing salt on the open wounds made by our alcoholic.
We find it much healthier to focus on what we are doing _well_ in our recovery, instead of focusing on what the alcoholic thinks we're doing wrong.
Am I making sense?
Mike
Congratulations on your one year, and a big applause for you better half's 5 year.
Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk 
... My first question (very tongue in cheek): why doesn't al-anon count slips?....
We don't count our slips in al-anon cuz we're so tired from counting _your_ slips in AA [joke]
Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk
... My real question: Do you (in al-anon) ever start over with anniversary/birthdays? If so, when/why?....
We find it much healthier to focus on what we are doing _well_ in our recovery, instead of focusing on what the alcoholic thinks we're doing wrong.
Am I making sense?
Mike
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Hmmm...If an alcohlic "slipped" back into a drinking mentality without actually taking a drink...does the alcholic go to a meeting and pick up a 24 hr chip?
When does behaviour cross that line for a codependent?
For me personally, every day is still day 1 and I never want to stop recovering from codependence
When does behaviour cross that line for a codependent?
For me personally, every day is still day 1 and I never want to stop recovering from codependence
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello justanothrdrunk,
I've often shared in my Al-Anon meetings that although a good deal of my slips and actions are visible....the bulk of what I consider to be a slip in my recovery is visible only to me, my HP and anyone I choose to share it with.
In other words, I can play a pretty good game and may just be doing all the right things while still having some serious issues of control, blame or whatever else is involved with my problem.
I may not 'pick up' or 'use' a substance which is a concrete action but instead my doc, for lack of a better word, may involve anything ranging from a fleeting thought to an obsession.
I've often shared in my Al-Anon meetings that although a good deal of my slips and actions are visible....the bulk of what I consider to be a slip in my recovery is visible only to me, my HP and anyone I choose to share it with.
In other words, I can play a pretty good game and may just be doing all the right things while still having some serious issues of control, blame or whatever else is involved with my problem.
I may not 'pick up' or 'use' a substance which is a concrete action but instead my doc, for lack of a better word, may involve anything ranging from a fleeting thought to an obsession.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
ok, if you want it on the humurous side, I'll give you the al-anon joke
We don't count our slips in al-anon cuz we're so tired from counting _your_ slips in AA [joke]
Mike
We don't count our slips in al-anon cuz we're so tired from counting _your_ slips in AA [joke]
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
Wow! Congrats on 1 year!
Thinking about keeping track of it all, I don’t know. It’s not as black-and-white as drinking vs. not drinking for me. For the alcoholic, any day without drinking is to be celebrated. My recovery is a bit different, I think.
For me, in Al-Anon, it’s not so much recovery to me, it’s an evolution. I am evolving into a different, I think better, human being. More accepting, more focused on what‘s really important. And there is always room for improvement. To keep track of my mistakes or “slips” would be totally counter-productive for me. I acknowledge them, deal with them, learn from them, then move on. Thinking, “oh crap, I just lost xx days with that screw up, and now I have to start all over” would be way to depressing for me. One day at a time!
juju
Thinking about keeping track of it all, I don’t know. It’s not as black-and-white as drinking vs. not drinking for me. For the alcoholic, any day without drinking is to be celebrated. My recovery is a bit different, I think.
For me, in Al-Anon, it’s not so much recovery to me, it’s an evolution. I am evolving into a different, I think better, human being. More accepting, more focused on what‘s really important. And there is always room for improvement. To keep track of my mistakes or “slips” would be totally counter-productive for me. I acknowledge them, deal with them, learn from them, then move on. Thinking, “oh crap, I just lost xx days with that screw up, and now I have to start all over” would be way to depressing for me. One day at a time!
juju
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Personally, I celebrate my Al Anon anniversary. My partner started giving me Al Anon coins on my second one, and I always carry my coin. I always share in my HG on my anniversary, and I pass my coin around for "blessings" when I do. Some people like that, some don't care either way, and some think it's some kind of big Al Anon sin.
My personal take on this is that, just because we don't have something as concrete as not drinking to count our time by, that doesn't make our time or our progress in our program any less real or any less important. If someone who has never done anything in AA but put down the drink can celebrate 20 years of being dry as 20 years of being sober, then anyone who is seriously working the Steps and making a concerted effort to be rigorously honest with him/herself and others and to practice the 12 Step principles in all of his/her afairs, can throw a friggin' jubilee for themselves each year as far as I'm concerned.
And besides, no one except for me has any business counting my time or telling me how it should or should not be counted and/or celebrated anyways.
Now, here in Rochester there does seem to be, in general, a certain amount of friction between a lot of AAs and a lot of Al Anons. I really don't know exactly what that is about...but, on the Al Anon side, it defintely comes out in the form of some very weird behaviors that seem to carry both the implication that we are somoehow better than AA and don't want to be too closely connected with THEM (these would be the people who throw a total fit if anyone dares to mantion the Big Book even tangentally in an Al Anon meeting) and the implication that we are just so much more sick (these are the "oh, we are so sick and pathetic we slip everyday" people). As far as I can tell, both of these over-the-edge responses are just displaced exressions of the very characted defects people come into program to deal with in the first place: control issues, self-righteousness and/or total self-efacement and abnegation, hyper-responsibility, and perfectionism.
BTW, I did have the occasion to have to e-mail WSO about this for my HG -- after we had a group conscience in which one of the self-righteous "THIS-IS-NOT-AA" types tried to proclaim that Al Anons are officially forbidden to celebrate any anniversaries (just a few as yet unaddressed control issues there, perhaps???), and the official response was that WSO has no opinion on it either way and it is up to indivuals if they want to celebrate theirs and up to groups whether they want to officially celebrate them on the group level.
freya
My personal take on this is that, just because we don't have something as concrete as not drinking to count our time by, that doesn't make our time or our progress in our program any less real or any less important. If someone who has never done anything in AA but put down the drink can celebrate 20 years of being dry as 20 years of being sober, then anyone who is seriously working the Steps and making a concerted effort to be rigorously honest with him/herself and others and to practice the 12 Step principles in all of his/her afairs, can throw a friggin' jubilee for themselves each year as far as I'm concerned.
And besides, no one except for me has any business counting my time or telling me how it should or should not be counted and/or celebrated anyways.
Now, here in Rochester there does seem to be, in general, a certain amount of friction between a lot of AAs and a lot of Al Anons. I really don't know exactly what that is about...but, on the Al Anon side, it defintely comes out in the form of some very weird behaviors that seem to carry both the implication that we are somoehow better than AA and don't want to be too closely connected with THEM (these would be the people who throw a total fit if anyone dares to mantion the Big Book even tangentally in an Al Anon meeting) and the implication that we are just so much more sick (these are the "oh, we are so sick and pathetic we slip everyday" people). As far as I can tell, both of these over-the-edge responses are just displaced exressions of the very characted defects people come into program to deal with in the first place: control issues, self-righteousness and/or total self-efacement and abnegation, hyper-responsibility, and perfectionism.
BTW, I did have the occasion to have to e-mail WSO about this for my HG -- after we had a group conscience in which one of the self-righteous "THIS-IS-NOT-AA" types tried to proclaim that Al Anons are officially forbidden to celebrate any anniversaries (just a few as yet unaddressed control issues there, perhaps???), and the official response was that WSO has no opinion on it either way and it is up to indivuals if they want to celebrate theirs and up to groups whether they want to officially celebrate them on the group level.
freya
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Although we never started over a birthday after a slip, my former home group used to celebrate birthdays and it was AWESOME ! We did it quarterly. Each person who was celebrating got birthday cards, and each had the opportunity to get up and speak for a few minutes about how the program was working in their lives in the past year. It was fun, very encouraging to all - especially newcomers. Our group handed out chips as well.... usually from sponsor to sponsee. My angel sponsor had 25 or 26 yrs of active Al Anon recovery before she died, and I know that she cherished her chips.
I wish that we did it where I am now. I am thinking of having a birthday party for myself in September - It's my "birthday" month and I think it's time to celebrate !
As for Al Anon slips... some of mine are blatant and I know immediately that I have really messed up. Other times, like so much of this disease, the slip is a bit more insidious and sneaky. It slithers into my life and my psyche and can get a fairly good stranglehold on me before I realize what's happening. The good news is that I can catch it quicker and do something about it with the recovery tools at hand. My alcoholic and addict friends have asked me about this, and we've even debated as to which slip is worse. THEY think theirs are worse, and I attribute that to the alcoholic/addict ego. I think ours are just as dangerous and debilitating.
Congrats to you J A and your partner too on YOUR birthdays!
I wish that we did it where I am now. I am thinking of having a birthday party for myself in September - It's my "birthday" month and I think it's time to celebrate !
As for Al Anon slips... some of mine are blatant and I know immediately that I have really messed up. Other times, like so much of this disease, the slip is a bit more insidious and sneaky. It slithers into my life and my psyche and can get a fairly good stranglehold on me before I realize what's happening. The good news is that I can catch it quicker and do something about it with the recovery tools at hand. My alcoholic and addict friends have asked me about this, and we've even debated as to which slip is worse. THEY think theirs are worse, and I attribute that to the alcoholic/addict ego. I think ours are just as dangerous and debilitating.
Congrats to you J A and your partner too on YOUR birthdays!
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