anubus

Sorry to post again tonight (gosh you guys must be sick of hearing from me.....lol). But i have another question. ABF & I are split up, but I feel I am the person he has confided in the most about all his problems. He has completely broken off ties with his mom (blames her for breaking us up).....I doubt he would ever go to her, his dad is dead, and he would never want his kids to know he's an alcoholic. His mom just mentioned to me that she thinks he would come to me if anything happened.
The things he has confided in me were very difficult for him to do, and he said nobody knows any of these feelings/things. Right now I think I am the closest one he has to trust in.
SO.....the break up....I HAD to throw him out of my house, for his good & mine......BUT I would like to also let him know that I am HERE, if he ever realizes he needs to face his issues.
So sorry if this is a double post, but confused on how to detach from him, yet still be there 'just in case" he is serious about facing his issues. Or in case he gets caught with his DUI warrant and calls me from jail........what should I do to stay healthy, yet helpful? What draws the line from enabling/codependance, or helping somebody??

Barbara52

One thing I knew when I left my now xAH was that I could not be his support system. If xAH ever decides to seek sobriety and recovery, he must develop his own support system centered around that reovery. It cannot be me or his family. I even tried to point him to those who could be the beginning of his support system, an RA from church who was willing to be with him if he started going to AA and our pastor. But support form me would not have worked. Partially because I wasn't willing to be that support and partially becasue he needs to pursue his recovery on his own for it to be successful.

Of course xAH is still deep in denial as to his problem. Unfortunately our pastor has turned out to be more of an enabler than anything else too. But xAH can only do it when he is ready and will find his own support system when/if he chooses to do so.

Impurrfect

I agree with Barbara on this. On your other thread, I mentioned that if my XABF every sought recovery I would be there for him....let me clarify that.

I am a recovering addict, so part of MY recovery is reaching out to other addicts. On the other hand, there is no way I would be his main support person. Like Barbara, I don't want that responsibility, and I know that he needs to find his OWN support.

An addict/alcoholic is GREAT at saying "but you're all I have!". Not true. There is a ton of support available to him, and all he has to do is reach out....that's how I found SR and so did you, right?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

miss communicat

What we do to stay emotionally healthy is to get unconfused, firstly by keep our sights on our own selves not on HIM.

You have asked for a boundary. You got it drawn. He is moved out. Then you blur the line not once, but twice, by holding onto the title to his van and proposing to "help" him in his emotional pain by being his support system.

Your emotional sobriety can start now, by saying "no" to confused actions. Think of confused actions as being equal to a drink for an alcoholic trying to get sober. Just do not drink, no matter what. Get to meetings (yes, "open AA" not Closed AA) and stay here, but do not become a victim of your own making.

Tazman53

I hate to ask, but if he calls from jail what are you going to do for him that is not enabling?

As a recovering alcohol anything except for a ride to rehab or detox was enabling?

Help for an alcoholic is a ride to detox or rehab..... period!

I needed to learn that my drinking was a problem, MY problem! If I was broke and still drinking and you gave me money, I am going to spend it on more booze, if I am in jail and you bail me out, I am going to drink.

For an alcoholic like me any help with the exception of a ride to detox or rehab is in reality killing me and not helping me.

Trust me, I know first hand and as a result when my daughter in law called and asked me to talk to my son I told her that me talking to him was a waste of time, he knows I am sober, he knows how I got sober, when he is ready to stop drinking he will call me. I also told her to go to Alanon and learn how to quit enabling him.

Well it took a while, but he did call me..... he was drunk and crying..... I told him I loved him and if he was serious to call me back when he was sober. He did..... he is still sober today.

Jazzman

For me, no contact was the only way I could move myself in the direction I wanted, forward. Who am I to assume "conditional" responsibility for another supposed adult? I have two kids I'm responsible for and if you ask me that's enough....

Like I keep telling my boss, I'm not looking for more work, I have plenty already.
(I don't think he gets it though)

LaTeeDa

If, like you say, he feels that you are the only one he can turn to, then eventually he will. He knows how to find you, right? Rather than worry about how to keep the lines of communication open, I would work on a plan to respond when he does contact you. How will you react when he contacts you begging for another chance, or begging to be bailed out of jail?

L

cagefree

How to keep lines of communication open without enabling?

I couldn't, so I started and maintained no contact. It works for me

Silverberry1331

I want to sincerely thank you for this post. You are so right, and even though I, on some level, was aware of this...coming from someone who is in recovery makes it hit home. My AH tells me that I am all he has. I constantly enable. Like Anubus, I want them to see them recover, but I want to "help." However, our "helping" is our illness speaking...like the person who thinks they can have that one drink, we think we can have that one more conversation, loan just one more dollar, pick them up one more time...Either way, both people end up hurting themselves and the people around them. Thanks for bringing me to a new level today.