nessie

hi... i'm new here...

right now, I'm facing something difficult. My husband has been an alcoholic and substance abuser (codeine and xanax) and has been in rehab for 2 weeks by court order...

the thing is, the place that he is in now is French and they forbid English (Quebec). Since his French is not that great, he's been having a tough time and feels as though he's been discriminated against because he's English (he got no warnings and banned us family from seeing him this weekend, while the French residents keep getting warning upon warning...) he suffers from depression and GAD, so i guess you could imagine somewhat what he might be going through.

He tries to talk to people about how he's feeling and no one will listen. He gets laughed at because of his French...it seems like no one gives a toot about him in there...

He wants to come home, but it is very hard to say 'no' because he is not ready... he thinks he could come home, get alcohol and drug tested every week, and see psychiatrists and all.... but in the long run, i believe a rehab center is the best for his addictive behavior... being home right now may lead to relapse... He used to drink wine and energy drinks when he got up in the morning, smoke weed, play xbox all day and then pop xanax and drink at night...

tonight, he called after I was on the phone all day looking for an English speaking place that does one-on-one counseling and he went on about how no one cares and that he wanted to move to the other side of the country to get away from us all..... that upset me a lot because i came from Australia to be with him 2 years ago... but the reason why it hurts me so much is because i love and care for him so much.... Its very hard to see him so upset...

I really want what is best for him. That is why I would like to send him to an English speaking place. A couple of years ago, he was taking at least 50 Tylenol 2's a day... he quit with the help of his psychologist.... when I had to go back to Australia because of immigration, he started the T2s again... he's been clean now for well over 5 months. Now his problem is the drinking and the xanax...


I myself was an alcoholic and know the times sure can be tough.... I also suffer from depression and anxiety and right now, my anxiety is telling me that he is going to resent me... i can't be without him...

He wants to be home to our one year wedding anniversary.... but i know he can't come home on a Wednesday... this is hard on the both of us...

Yes, i knew about his problems before we married... even before we were in love... he is a very decent guy that needs help.... lots of it... and it's not happening at that place he is now.

Does it get better? I mean, for the first week, he was going fine and we were having great chats on the phone and all...but now, he's bitter and wants to do something stupid (or is threatening it, rather) to get out of that place...

i don't know what to do

Spiritual Seeker

Leave it alone.
It his his recovery.
When we are with addicts we develop a strong sense of co-dependent behavior.
Don't feel sorry for him and Do NOT try to fix his treatment. If he needs help the professionals there are who he should be asking. let him work through his feelings and the process. He is calling doing what we call "quacking"

It is best to have minimal contact in the 1st few weeks of treatment.
Take the time to go to al-anon mtgs. and work through your own part.

Trust the process. Keep your boundaries.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your husband

nessie

Thank you for your post. I guess I do have to relax and let him go through this. His psychologist and lawyer think it is best for him to go to the English facility since they have 1 on 1 counseling as well as group therapy.

Barbara52

Try to let go. What happens really is out of your control. Only he is going to be able to work his program, whatever language it is. Stepping in may actually hinder his getting sober.

I know its hard to stop fixing but give it a try. You will be better off for it to I bet since then you can concentrate on yourself.

starflier

I know how hard it is. I truly do, but you must let go. A few years ago the A in my life agreed to go into an inpatient facility. She has an anxiety disorder, and by the 3rd day she couldn't handle the group therapy sessions. Instead of sticking to my guns, I listened to her whining and came and got her. I knew she'd walk out the door anyway, so it's not like I hindered her progress, but I became a collaborator and allowed her to leave, like I gave her permission or something. I wish I hadn't done that, but I was very active in my own addiction: codependency.

Please, let the experts deal with the situation; if he's better off in an English facility (I understand as I lived 23 years in Canada) they'll make sure he gets what they know is best for him. Be strong! If you love him, try to concentrate on getting better yourself. Get to the first AlaNon meeting you can and find as much support as you can, both f2f and here on SR. There are lots of people far more experienced than me. Listen to them. :codiepolice

laurie6781

Nessie, I understand your concern. Being sober for a long time now, I cannot imagine how hard it would have been for me to recover and get recovery if I didn't really understand the language or speak it.

That being said, I too would say leave it alone, except for one suggestion. If and when you talk to him again, and if he is still complaining, tell him he could try the Salvation Army. Yes they are up there also, and yes they speak English, and yes they do have recovery programs at some of their centers, that are NOT ONLY EXCELLENT, but FREE.

Then drop it. As the others have said, if he wants recovery, he will find a way. Telling him to check out Salvation Army is not enabling in my book, just passing on some information, that he can use or discard. No phone numbers just the information to get him started, lol

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!!!!

Love and hugs,