gns

I think I have been codep with my sister. Her needs and emotions have always come first for me.

Now she does not seem to have as much time of attention for me now that she has a family. This feels devastating to me. I have been really upset the last few days and she has barely had time to check in with me.

If the situation was reversed, I would have been there.

Not really sure what to do (don't really have much of a choice), but I am having a lot of trouble detaching.

I have friends (no one as close as she has been), but now I feel so lost.

Any advice or input will be appreciated.

FormerDoormat

I'm not sure I know what's going on. Did she recently get married or have a child? If so, those are life-changing events and would be quite a distraction for her initially.

Two years ago, my brother had a child. Prior to that we saw each other all the time. We spent most weekends together. But things changed once he had a new baby, and we rarely get together any more. He calls me once or twice during the week while I'm at work, but it's not the same as spending lots of time with him.

I understand that a new baby is very demanding of his time, but that doesn't change the fact that I miss the time we spent together. It doesn't help that his daughter is 2 and mine is 22. My life is quiet and predictable now and his life is busy and his routine is changing daily as his daughter grows and matures.

I know it's nothing personal, but I find myself resenting the fact that things changed. I think it's human nature to resist change. For me, when things are good, I want them to stay that way forever. But one day, his little girl will become more independent and easier to take places and we can get together more often.

Nothing lasts forever and this, too, shall pass. Maybe now would be a good time to pursue a hobby you've always been interested in trying. What do you think?

gns

Thank you FD, your post is so helpful!

How do you deal with these emotions? I feel very abandoned - and sometimes a little bit resentful. I feel like I am not as important to her.

My sister has 1 1.5 yr old and a scond baby on the way.

FormerDoormat

I just kept reminding myself that it wasn't personal. And keeping busy helped me, too. It's a slow night here. I'm sure other folks will be along to offer their insight as well.

Barbara52

Relationship between siblings change over the years, especially with marriages and then children. I kow that when I got married and especially when I had children my focus changed from siblings (and friends) to my husband and children. IMO that's the way it should be also. I only have so much time and could not take time away from my kids, especially when they were very young.

Being pregant messes with your head too to some extent. All that changing body chemistry leads to all sorts of emotions.

IMO your sister changing her focus to her immediate family is a normal life change and is not a reflection of her love of you.

theotherone

I know my relationships with my siblings are always changing. Work, kids, school, or just daily business...all of it plays a role in our contact with each other. Whenever I feel the distance I make a call or let them know I miss them.

gns

Barbara, I am not sure I agree with you. Love is more than love of husband and children. There are so many definitions of "immediate family". I have a lot of gay friends who happily challenge the definition of the old-fashioned "nuclear family".

That thinking is precisely what I am afraid of - I have been effectively excluded??!!

So those of us without a husband and children should go hurry up and "find our immediate family" because those are the most important relationship?? (and therefore if we don't have them we are missing out?)

I am tryng hard to realize that love relationships are so much more than "boyfriend" or "husband".

Barbara52

I didn't define it and it can be defined as however it is for each individual. I guess what I meant by immediate family is something along the lines of those people you are most closely involved or living with. Those tend to be one's closest focus. For me it means my 2 sons. They are the most important people in my life and I will indeed put them in front of my mother, brothers, friedn when it comes down to a question of who do I have time for, who do I talk to, etc. Well, I put them after myself now that they are adults themselves.

Yes, I love many other people in my life, in many different ways. But when we are talking basically about can your sister give you more time and attention than she currently does, I am only pointing out that we all have only so much time available and priorities shift, especially when you have one young child and another on the way.

I guess you can choose to look at it that way. I look at my relationship with my brothers (who also have children) as something that has changed in many ways over the years, based on which of us had young kids, which of us was going thru life turmoil in one way or another, etc. When they have not has as much time for me, I didn't take it personally. I took it as they needed to do whatever they were doing for themselves and their immediate families. Certainly when I had to devote more time to my young children it was not directed personally at my brothers. It was what I had to do for me.

No. Not at all what I said. I have dear friends in their 50s and 60s who never married. I don't think any of them think they missed out. They chose the road they chose for their reasons. I have dear friends who never had children. Some do feel they missed out but most chose not to have children.

But to expect that relationships will not change over the years for all sorts of reasons, not just the spouse and children factors, is to expect that people do not change, grow, need different things, want different things, etc.

Friendships, relationships with siblings, relationships with parents all change over time. Its up to us to accept those changes that are outside of our control. We can express dissatifaction with a current state of a relationship but we cannot force someone to be what we want or need them to be.

gns

Thanks for your reply, Barbara.
As you can see this is a tough issue for me.

I am struggling with the societal pressure to be married and children. I know some people focus almost exclusively on their husband and kids. I am not friends with them, because, frankly, there is no room for me. Other of my friends have children but still make time for adult interests and friends. I have been married but never had children so I don't know what I would do. I know when I was married I certainly kept up with my friends. Like Kahlil Gibran says - love consists not in gazing at each other, but looking out into the world together.

Conversely, I work in an intense job - there are certainly limits to how much time I can spend with friends and family because of that.

Confusing issue

Barbara52

It is confusing.

I know my view of friendship and what it means and entails changes over time. Heck I don't think my definition of "friend" is the same now as it was a year ago.

I understand the pressure to marry and have kids. I think its unfortunate that it exists really because its not the "best" way to live, its not right for everyone. But, yeah, the pressure is there. I probably would not have married the first time as young as I did nor would I have married the second time without that underlying pressure. I actually have a great deal of respect for those who successfully resist that pressure. Its not easy to do.

LaTeeDa

Just to illustrate a point, let me tell you about my relationship with my sister. We both got married within two years of each other. We both had our first child within two years of each other. We were very close during that time because we had so much in common and so many of the same things going on in our lives.

Fast forward to now. She is still happily married and has become one of those moms whose life is totally and completely wrapped up in her children. I, on the other hand, have divorced my alcoholic husband and am striving for balance in my life between work, kids, and getting an adult life of my own. We are not as close (measured by amount of time spent together) as we used to be since our lives have taken different directions. I don't feel abandoned by her and (I hope) she doesn't feel abandoned by me. We're just at different places right now.

I actually have some concern over how much her life is centered around her children, since they are 13 and 10 and I wonder how she will handle it when they grow up and move on to lives of their own. Maybe we will become closer again.

Anyway, my long-winded point is that relationships evolve and change. Short-term relationships sometimes can't withstand the changes and that is why they are short-term. Long-term relationships withstand the test of time and adapt to the natural ebb and flow of life.

L

gns

Thanks LaTeeDa,

In your situation I would feel abandoned. Why don't you? Is it because your life is so fulfilled that not having her there doesn't leave a vacuum? Is it because you don't have as much or as many self-esteem/abandonment fears? Is it because you feel centered and emotionally grounded by yourself (as my yoga teacher would say- in your core?)

I am trying to figure out where I need to go to get out of this.

I know that there is a part of me that feels very clingy and testy- even or especially with my sister. There is a part of me that can imagine living with a freer "live and let live" attitutude where I can enjoy her company and her presence in my life in whatever amount or way she can offer. That is the place I want to be, but I am not sure what I am missing.

Thank you FD, LTD, and Barbara for helping me with this issue.

sadandhopeless

You should always make time for everyone in your life that you love. Not just your husband and children. Immediatel family is defined as mother, father, brother, sister, child, grandparents, niece and nephew. You should not lose touch with your family because you have a child. My sister and I always spent time together and even more time together when she had her children. I love them just as much as I do her. We are family and family is what is important. You should speak to your sister and tell her how you feel. There is no reason you can not be a part of her life along with her children. You are their aunt and all kids love their aunties. I love being an aunt and it is a major happy part of my life.

I still get to enjoy time with my sister and "her family" I say that because they are my immediate family as well.

Tell her how you feel.

Barbara52

Thank you for telling me I live my life the wrong way.

LaTeeDa

I tend to ignore posts that start out this way.

gns,

One the the biggest hurdles I have had to overcome in my life is the idea that anything is static. One of my codependent tendencies was the belief that happiness was some state I could "get to." It's not. It's there in all situations. Recognizing it is the key. Acceptance is a major part of it. When things aren't going the way you want them to, don't worry, they will change. But, the other side of the coin is, when things are going the way you want them to, they will change. I'm going to go find and bump up a post I wrote a while ago for you. It's called, This too shall pass.

Not everyone's life is the same. If I expect my life to follow the "norms" of society, I will continually be disappointed. I am unique, my path is unique. I've heard it described as a river. If you relax and go where the current takes you, it is so much easier than fighting it and trying to swim upstream.

I don't feel abandoned because I love my sister and I know she loves me. We just don't have as much in common *at this point in our lives* as we once did. That's okay. I don't expect her to rearrange her life to be more like mine, and I certainly don't intend to rearrange my life to be more like hers. My life is my own, and what a wonderful adventure it's turning out to be.

L

FormerDoormat

Maybe the abandonment issue goes deeper than your sister, and the change in your relationship with her due to the arrival of her children is stirring up old feelings or old childhood hurts. If that's the case, seeing her more often may only be a temporary fix.

What I mean is finding more time to spend with your sister may be akin to putting a band-aid on a wound that needs more attention than that. Does that make sense?

Spiritual Seeker

Can you focus more on being a great aunt.
Maybe watching the 1.5 yr. old so she can prepare for the baby on the way or rest ?
Relationships change during the different phases of our lives.
Maybe a change in your perception or being more involved with her kids would be satisfying for all.
Pregnancy makes one tired as does a small child. She prob. doesn't have the energy to
do much beyond her family life right now. Just a thought.

A best buddy to hang out with now is not a possible role for her.
But if you rethink your expectations, I bet you can stay close.

Rainbowsend

Echoing LTD, I didn't see much of my brother when mine were tiny, he was childless with a demanding girlfriend that hated kids. Fast forward a few years and it has all changed. He lives 50 miles away but comes over regularly to play at being a little boy again, kite flying, hiking, picnics. Our relationship has changed so much and he is truely my best friend.

It's a two way street as he is studying now so his life has changed but I help him with that too, we discuss ideas for his essays and I've been able to loan him text books. I didn't get to finish my studies (long story) so it gives me a bit of a kick to see he's doing so well.

Give it time, she's probably finding things a bit hectic at the moment and I doubt it is personal, her friends probably see and hear far less of her too

gns

Thank you all for your thoughtful, provocative responses.

FD I think you hit the nail on the head - I think being so deathly afraid of being abandoned is deeper then this issue and is probably rooted in some childhood thing.

I can see from all of your healthy responses, that a change in a relationship doesn't make healthy people feel unstable or so emotionally destabilized like it is making me feel.

Thank you everyone for helping me with this issue - back to journaling and therapy!

FormerDoormat

What I've always admired about you, GNS, is your ability to ask tough questions--not about someone else's life or someone else's recovery--but your own. I know you'll work through and resolve this issue with the same grace, wisdom, and tenacity that you always do.