Hardest Thing Today Is Faith...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 48
Hardest Thing Today Is Faith...
Through everything that has gone on, through everything that has had its up and downs over 8 yrs of marriage the relapses the Im leaving you, ive left you now im back is that I can never find the secret ingredient.
I realized more than ever this time around with my AW relapse after she got better that I had to get better, it took me 5 months of us getting back together after she left the last time to realize it.
Whats hard for me everyday, whats hard for me to just maintain is knowing and hearing from my wife this week that she again has emotionally checked out of our marriage. That she is ready to move on again and has her mind made up, i sit there like someone just literally ripped my heart out and stepped on it.
We have been fighting on and off for about a month because I started to fall back into my old Codie and fearful ways. A few times I even asked her to leave because I couldn't deal with the pain I had inside. This is probably what finally got me to go to Alanon, just sort of like hitting bottom. I realize more than ever how contained in fear I have been and trying to control the addict even when shes not active.
Guess what im doing, beating myself up because again I feel as I have failed as a husband to provide what my wife needed to be happy, failed as a husband to provide her that sense of security and gratitude.....
To be back in this place where your spouse acts like a roommate, says thank you when you say I love you and just has no emotions toward you is devastatingly hard. To sit there an know that they would just rather be gone than having to work on this anymore is even harder, and looking at my kids who where so happy to see mommy and daddy get back together after she divorced me and know they are going to have to feel that pain again dosent give me much hope.
Our marriage counslor said that no one needs to go anywhere right now, she asked my wife to give it 8 more weeks and see what happens. If she insist on moving out that the kids stay where they are and she should move somewhere close to the house so they are not moved around anymore.
Her response, That is not what I wanted to hear I have my mind made up and then you ask me to do this.........Later that day I get a call from her saying she will try her hardest to find love in me again, she will do what she can and it would be ****** of her not to at least try followed by I just want to make it through this 8 weeks so we are not fighting at the end over the kids and everything....
Of course I want to sit here and go ARE YOU KIDDING ME, yes we have fought alot, yes we have fights and disagreements , yes I get angry just as she does and hurtful things have been said.... Ive even had a hard time letting go of ALOT of hurt caused in the past but thats why we are in marriage counsling, its why I am going to alanon, its why she is in AA.......
Ive been in the place before with her, porbably 4-5 times where she has just checked out emotionally this last time I waited a year for things to get better only to find out she had relapsed and was numb to anything.....
So having faith that this time things will work out, this time alanon will help me, this time she will find her way back to a way to love me is just hard and letting go and letting god is something I have been trying to learn and practice but comming home to someone that is to be your wife that is just hollow of emotions towards you and cold drains every bit of effort and strength I have just to keep a smile on another day....
:sorry
I realized more than ever this time around with my AW relapse after she got better that I had to get better, it took me 5 months of us getting back together after she left the last time to realize it.
Whats hard for me everyday, whats hard for me to just maintain is knowing and hearing from my wife this week that she again has emotionally checked out of our marriage. That she is ready to move on again and has her mind made up, i sit there like someone just literally ripped my heart out and stepped on it.
We have been fighting on and off for about a month because I started to fall back into my old Codie and fearful ways. A few times I even asked her to leave because I couldn't deal with the pain I had inside. This is probably what finally got me to go to Alanon, just sort of like hitting bottom. I realize more than ever how contained in fear I have been and trying to control the addict even when shes not active.
Guess what im doing, beating myself up because again I feel as I have failed as a husband to provide what my wife needed to be happy, failed as a husband to provide her that sense of security and gratitude.....
To be back in this place where your spouse acts like a roommate, says thank you when you say I love you and just has no emotions toward you is devastatingly hard. To sit there an know that they would just rather be gone than having to work on this anymore is even harder, and looking at my kids who where so happy to see mommy and daddy get back together after she divorced me and know they are going to have to feel that pain again dosent give me much hope.
Our marriage counslor said that no one needs to go anywhere right now, she asked my wife to give it 8 more weeks and see what happens. If she insist on moving out that the kids stay where they are and she should move somewhere close to the house so they are not moved around anymore.
Her response, That is not what I wanted to hear I have my mind made up and then you ask me to do this.........Later that day I get a call from her saying she will try her hardest to find love in me again, she will do what she can and it would be ****** of her not to at least try followed by I just want to make it through this 8 weeks so we are not fighting at the end over the kids and everything....
Of course I want to sit here and go ARE YOU KIDDING ME, yes we have fought alot, yes we have fights and disagreements , yes I get angry just as she does and hurtful things have been said.... Ive even had a hard time letting go of ALOT of hurt caused in the past but thats why we are in marriage counsling, its why I am going to alanon, its why she is in AA.......
Ive been in the place before with her, porbably 4-5 times where she has just checked out emotionally this last time I waited a year for things to get better only to find out she had relapsed and was numb to anything.....
So having faith that this time things will work out, this time alanon will help me, this time she will find her way back to a way to love me is just hard and letting go and letting god is something I have been trying to learn and practice but comming home to someone that is to be your wife that is just hollow of emotions towards you and cold drains every bit of effort and strength I have just to keep a smile on another day....
:sorry
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
You need to stop beating yourself up. You can control an addict like you control the weather. While in active addiction we are unpredictable, discontent and miserable. You can not help anyone when you are sick yourself. Most code are as sick as the addict. AlAnon is a wonderful source of support and advice.
All we can do is work on ourselves. There are groups for children of addicts that your children may benifit from. I hope you seek and find the comfort and healing you deserve.
All we can do is work on ourselves. There are groups for children of addicts that your children may benifit from. I hope you seek and find the comfort and healing you deserve.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((mikeb))
I hear you, and I feel your pain and frustration. The hardest thing I ever did, was let go and let my HP have control. You see, every time I would convince myself that I was actually doing that, things wouldn't go the way that I wanted them to go, so I would "take back" control and try to make them go the way that I wanted them to go. You see, I never really gave it over to my HP in the first place. It took several attempts before I really did let go. Things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. As a matter of fact, they turned out exactly the opposite, and it hurt. It hurt bad. I questioned my faith, and felt horrible for that.
I'm glad that things didn't work out the way that I wanted them to. I thank God every day of my life for not answering those prayers. My life was meant to go down a different path than the one I thought. Until I accepted that I had no control and stopped trying to fix it, then and only then, did I find peace and love and happiness again. Things I didn't think would ever be possible again. Miricles happened. Not the ones I wanted, but better ones.
I can look back now and realize that HP always had my best interest at heart and even a different path for the one that I loved. I couldn't see the whole picture, but he did. My faith today, is the strongest it has been in my entire life. Thank the lord for unanswered prayers.
Hugs and Prayers
B
I hear you, and I feel your pain and frustration. The hardest thing I ever did, was let go and let my HP have control. You see, every time I would convince myself that I was actually doing that, things wouldn't go the way that I wanted them to go, so I would "take back" control and try to make them go the way that I wanted them to go. You see, I never really gave it over to my HP in the first place. It took several attempts before I really did let go. Things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. As a matter of fact, they turned out exactly the opposite, and it hurt. It hurt bad. I questioned my faith, and felt horrible for that.
I'm glad that things didn't work out the way that I wanted them to. I thank God every day of my life for not answering those prayers. My life was meant to go down a different path than the one I thought. Until I accepted that I had no control and stopped trying to fix it, then and only then, did I find peace and love and happiness again. Things I didn't think would ever be possible again. Miricles happened. Not the ones I wanted, but better ones.
I can look back now and realize that HP always had my best interest at heart and even a different path for the one that I loved. I couldn't see the whole picture, but he did. My faith today, is the strongest it has been in my entire life. Thank the lord for unanswered prayers.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Okay Mike.............................let's back the truck up a bit, lol
1. It is NOT IN YOUR POWER to make anyone happy but YOURSELF.
2. You had best be in Alanon FOR YOU, not for her, not for your marriage, FOR YOU.
3. Alanon is to help you figure out WHAT TYPE OF LIFE YOU WANT, and because of the minor children, WHAT TYPE OF LIFE YOU WANT FOR THEM.
Alanon will give you the tools to work on you, to dig wityhin you to learn how to get beyond the codie, to learn how to set boundaries and maintain those boundaries.
Now, I have to ask you, is this really the type of life you want????????
Do you really enjoy the DRAMA, the CHAOS, the ROLLERCOASTER, and the WAFFLING that is your life????
Only you can answer that, and probably not until you start doing some WRITING. Not typing, put pen to paper. You will be amazed at what comes off the ends of your fingers holding that pen. Many many times it will totally different than what you THOUGHT you were doing.
Arguing, chose not to argue. Before you speak, and this one still works great for me today after many years learning about me, put your tongue between your teeth and BITE. Gives one time to think just actually how one wants to respond if if they want to respond at all.
When I change my actions or reactions to a person (ie no longer choose to engage in mindless arguments) the person's reaction to me starts to change.
J M H O but I really wonder if your 'marriage counselor' has any concept of addiction at all. Your wife has NO IDEA what she wants, she is walking around with a head that has a committee that is SHOUTING and everyone on the committee is shouting something different. Her head feels like mush and quicksand.
Please read this, it may help you to help yourself:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-answers.html
Love and hugs,
1. It is NOT IN YOUR POWER to make anyone happy but YOURSELF.
2. You had best be in Alanon FOR YOU, not for her, not for your marriage, FOR YOU.
3. Alanon is to help you figure out WHAT TYPE OF LIFE YOU WANT, and because of the minor children, WHAT TYPE OF LIFE YOU WANT FOR THEM.
Alanon will give you the tools to work on you, to dig wityhin you to learn how to get beyond the codie, to learn how to set boundaries and maintain those boundaries.
Now, I have to ask you, is this really the type of life you want????????
Do you really enjoy the DRAMA, the CHAOS, the ROLLERCOASTER, and the WAFFLING that is your life????
Only you can answer that, and probably not until you start doing some WRITING. Not typing, put pen to paper. You will be amazed at what comes off the ends of your fingers holding that pen. Many many times it will totally different than what you THOUGHT you were doing.
Arguing, chose not to argue. Before you speak, and this one still works great for me today after many years learning about me, put your tongue between your teeth and BITE. Gives one time to think just actually how one wants to respond if if they want to respond at all.
When I change my actions or reactions to a person (ie no longer choose to engage in mindless arguments) the person's reaction to me starts to change.
J M H O but I really wonder if your 'marriage counselor' has any concept of addiction at all. Your wife has NO IDEA what she wants, she is walking around with a head that has a committee that is SHOUTING and everyone on the committee is shouting something different. Her head feels like mush and quicksand.
Please read this, it may help you to help yourself:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-answers.html
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-answers.html
Love and hugs,
Love and hugs,
I realize its not my responsibility to make her happy, and the funny thing is that I have been going about the past week FULLY aware of the disconnection she has with me and just going about my daily things. Playing with the kids, working, going to meetings reading alanon lit a lot....
She has been very nice and not rude its just the whole mechanical thing, but here is the kicker this is where I know I am already getting a bit better I think alanon was just the push I needed complimented with years of therapy
So yesterday I FINALLY get her to go to dinner with me, we are sitting there ordering and she just starts in with So are you like happy with all of this, how things are at home...I try to keep my mouth shut but its just driving me crazy and I have to say something.....
I turned to her and said am I happy , I said there not ideal but I cant make you happy...I said If im doing everything I can, supporting my family, being nice and caring and your still not happy I said I hope it gets better for you but Im still here and Love you...
She looks at me and just says I dont understand why you love me...that moment It just sunk deeper into me this is not about me as she has told me stuff like this for yyeeeaarss and how she cant love like I can I just said I love you for hundreds of reasons but the main one is because you are my wife and the mother to my kids.....She was actually quite shocked I didnt get upset like I usually do, and I explained to her that when Im not reacting to my fears and speaking what I really mean then its easier these are the things im learning...
As for my counslor, she is very very much aware of addiction she teaches and is on a speaking circuit for recovery and addiction. Its the reason I picked her, and her reasoning for keeping still for the next 8 weeks is more for the kids than us. Being as she just moved back in with me after trying to divorce me 7 months ago before she went into rehab the kids have been shuffled around alot, they are about to start school. She gave her the option of moving out if she wants but the kids need to stay still stable for now and she should move within the area we are at now...
Do I think she will change, I'll tell you it dosent matter anymore because I realize that no matter what I say or do I wont fill that void she is searching for regardless of our past or future its up to her and all I can do is be who I am and work my program to get better myself...
That in itself makes it hurt just a little bit less, and in 8 days ive been to 7 alanon meetings so Im working it for me and finding my serenity.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sometimes it is best just to let go & let god. it sounds as if she does not want to make the marriage work. maybe it is time to move on. you will adjust & so will the kids. it is better to live apart than for them to live in hell. it takes time but i promise it will all get better.prayers for u & your family.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What's different this time around is that you know that however this plays out, you WILL survive and life will go on.
I agree with Hope, sometimes just letting go takes the urgency and tension away and life usually plays out exactly the way it is supposed to.
Stick with your meetings, keep sharing here, and soon you will see that no matter how your marriage is going...you are doing better each day. Recovery just works that way.
Hugs
I agree with Hope, sometimes just letting go takes the urgency and tension away and life usually plays out exactly the way it is supposed to.
Stick with your meetings, keep sharing here, and soon you will see that no matter how your marriage is going...you are doing better each day. Recovery just works that way.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Ann
What's different this time around is that you know that however this plays out, you WILL survive and life will go on.
I agree with Hope, sometimes just letting go takes the urgency and tension away and life usually plays out exactly the way it is supposed to.
Stick with your meetings, keep sharing here, and soon you will see that no matter how your marriage is going...you are doing better each day. Recovery just works that way.
Hugs
I agree with Hope, sometimes just letting go takes the urgency and tension away and life usually plays out exactly the way it is supposed to.
Stick with your meetings, keep sharing here, and soon you will see that no matter how your marriage is going...you are doing better each day. Recovery just works that way.
Hugs
I will be honest here, and this is my BIGGEST fear and im just now starting to work on it is if we don't make it the kids and where they go. I know how she believes and I know how I believe and they are NO WHERE even in the same ballpark I think a HUGE portion of why I have stuck to my guns on this marriage throught the years has been for them and keeping them close.
However, im working on realizing that I need to live for today and not tomorrow or yesterday and that gives me some comfort in things and helps me achieve some serenity....
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