maltipoobear

I was wondering if anyone out there shares my same experience with alcohol.

I don't have any trouble moderating consumption in a social setting or at home when drinking wih friends or family. My issue is with drinking alone that gets me into trouble! I understand I have a problem and sought help last year after a particularly embarassing public episode. Managed to quit entirely for 6 months then drink "normally" with maybe 3 instances of drinking to excess over the next several months. The thought of never being able to have another glass of Merlot with a fine meal again is unbearable!

I spent alot of time with AA and listened to alot of stories but the recurring theme I always heard was the alcoholics absolute inability to have only 1-2 drinks per occassion. Does anyone else drink responsibly interspersed with periods of just losing it? Whats up with that? Thanks for listening. I love this site.

thinktoomuch

Yes. Publicly you'd never know I drank heavily. I don't do it because I'm afraid to embarrass myself. Alone, or with my husband, it is a totally different case entirely.

adore79

Hi and welcome to SR. Yeah I can relate to being able to have only one or two drinks at times, especially in social situations. I worked at this landscaping company and everyone would drink after work on fridays. I would stick around for a beer or two, the whole time wishing I could get out of there and get home. Then once I was alone at home the serious drinking would start. Over the years I just stopped going to social events because it cut in on my serious drinking time.

smallRaccoon

welcome to SR!!!

i would fall into that category of "alcoholics absolute inability to have only 1-2 drinks" ... whether with people or alone, trying to drink just one turns into a day/night of chaos.

bostonluv

Yes! Absolutely. I had too many embarssing moments in public so I leared to drink a couple out with friends or not at all and then come home and do my "real" drinking there. That's how I like to drink anyway. I want to be in my own little world and I can't do that with other people around. That's what I think really makes me an alcoholic.

Mattcake

Hi Malti.. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I never drank in public; being a control freak, I hated being seen in that state (though I'd have the odd drink with friends every now and then). But I soon started abusing alcohol when I was alone... I did tap the brakes plenty of times, but my sober stints were pretty miserable. Something finally clicked a short while ago and I decided that I was better off without alcohol altogether. Drinking stopped making sense, and I'm glad I made that decision. There are tradeoffs involved, yes, but I'm okay with that.

Only you can decide if your drinking patterns are problematic. I hope you can find an answer within yourself Welcome to SR.

least

I tried to control my alcohol intake but it never worked, always ended up with too much, driving to get more wine, waking up with the shakes real bad. I'm lucky I never got a DUI.

AFter seeing how badly I did trying to 'moderate' my drinking I decided to just stop altogether. And had many false starts and relapses. But it can be done. Just takes a lot of willpower and help/support from others.

buttercup1

I can definetly relate, but just the opposite of you, I am able to moderate the amount I drink and stop at 1 or 2 when I am home alone or drinking with hubby, but get me into a social setting and I become a complete mess. I never want to stop and end up paying for it later.
I know the feeling of being afraid to NEVER drink again, which is why we have to take it one day at a time.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community...

While my drinking did not cause me harm every time I drank,
all the serious problems in my life
happened when alcohol was in my mind and body.

I have found living sober allows me
to deal with everything easier.

Glad you are here with us...

JigOvLife

Gotta say drinking alone was my thang,from babysitting my kid brother when I was 13 and raiding the drinks cabinet...

(Never had a spirits collection myself,just shameful stashes of hidden bottles to get distributed around the neighbourhood trashcans at daft o'clock in the morning when nobody's looking)

...to the last 3 yrs which were drinking constantly, preferably on my own and not really giving a damn who knew.

It was that golden moment 6 drinks in when I could escape to Fantasyland,smiting my enemies and ruling the world in my head, that hooked me. However the morning after faced with stark, nasty old reality again,I'd plunge into depression.Folk often forget alcohol's a depressant, but LO! there was a cure...have another drink, and on...and on...and on....

Social drinking was usually an exercise in sleight of hand,if I was with respectable friends,buy 2 drinks at the bar, a quick,stealthy top up and one to take back to the table.

I'm starting to shudder at the thought

Aysha

maltipoobear

I guess I'm struggling with labels. Isn't an alcoholic defined by their total loss of control? If that's true then am I an "alcohol abuser" versus an "alcoholic?" Is the abuser the same as the alcoholic or do abusers become alcoholics and if so, is that always unless they abstain totally?

Rella927

Welcome Malti! Glad you found us-SR is filled with a lot of support. You also may want
to check out our "Alcoholism" forum as well! There is a wealth of information here! Keep posting

mle-sober

I drank for 25 years. From the very beginning (14 years old), I drank to get as drunk as possible whenever I could.

Does that mean that I drank to excess every single time I had the slightest sip of wine? No. I was pregnant 4 times and gave birth to and nursed 4 babies without damaging them. I worked in a bar for years and drank without losing my job or embarrassing myself too badly.

Throughout those years, I had friends and family comment with concern about my drinking. I rebuffed them. I had control, I thought. I couldn't imagine the horror of not being able to enjoy a really good glass of chardonnay in the summer.

When I finally completely surrendered and realized my life was being controlled by alcohol and I was hurting myself and others, it wasn't so much because I could no longer have a sip of wine without crashing through the doors of the liquor store crazily searching for more.

I finally surrendered because I realized that I couldn't stop on my own. I tried to moderate and couldn't. I could moderate a little here and there. I could go to lunch with my mom and just have two glasses. But I had a mental obsession surrounding those two glasses - would she get upset if I had 3? Could I stop at the liquor store and have another at home? Would my husband notice if I stopped at the bar on the way home? I could sometimes make the right choice and go straight home - but not without an internal struggle.

And when I won that struggle, I would think to myself, "See!? I'm no alcholic!! I just had 2 glasses of wine and that was it!" So the next time I thought, well, I could make it 3 and still control it.

Do you see what I'm saying?

I was obsessed with whether or not my drinking made me an alcoholic. I was desperate to prove to myself that it didn't and to find ways in which I was different from what I thought an alcoholic was. And then I would comfort myself with "allowances" of alcoholic binges to reward myself for not drinking to excess in a prior situation. I thought I deserved to drink and not worry about how much and the consequences, precisely because I'd done such a good job of worrying about how much and avoiding consequences in a previous situation.

When I got to that stage - I found I was lying about my alcohol use and I was also hiding bottles.

And then, finally, it was clear. And I surrendered. It didn't really matter to me if I was an alcohol abuser or if I was an alcoholic. I wanted and needed to stop in order to be the person that my loved ones deserved. That's the main reason I quit. I'm hoping my own internal motivations will kick in here soon. But for now, I'm doing it for my loved ones. Because they deserve better.

I do remember a time when I was 19 and in a rehab because my parents did an intervention on me. I didn't have any desire to be there and was just going through the motions. But at the AA meetings, people expected me to say I was an alcoholic and I just couldn't. I said I was an alcohol abuser. And last week there was someone like that in my AA meeting. I felt sad for them. I mean, what's the different really?

If you're an abuser, does it mean you get to still drink occassionally? Is that why it's important?

I think my 19 year old self just wasn't ready to stop drinking. I was an alcoholic for sure - I know that now. Alcohol was way too important in my life. But I just wasn't readyy to stop. Do you think it's possible that you're an alcoholic but you aren't quite ready to quit and so you want to try to fit yourself into the "abuser" category instead?

People here will tell you, only you can determine if you're an alcoholic or not. No one else. I'm not 100% sure I agree with that. I know an alcoholic who won't admit to being one. But it is undeniable that he is an alcoholic - no matter how well he thinks he functions.

But I do see, 100%, that it's useless for anyone else to make that determination for you. Only you can make that determination and have it matter.

Sorry this is so long. And I hope it's not harsh. I respect your struggle and know it's hard. I've been there. Hang in there and just try to be as honest as you can with yourself.

smallRaccoon

mle-sober, that was an excellent post, i enjoyed reading it!

Hevyn

Hi Malti-I'm sure you'll find help here, whatever you end up deciding. My drinking history pretty much mirrors MLE's, though I didn't really get started on the road to hell until around 20. I would love to be able to reassure you that you can have "a few" once in awhile, but I can't. A lovely, civilized glass of fine wine is not an option for me. The fun & excitement that drinking once was turned into a living hell. I became so dependent on it - in the end each time I had "a few" it ended up a 24/7 drinking binge, making me more sick and insane each time. The question is this: Can you predict where one or two drinks will take you? I never could! I spent about 20 yrs. on and off - trying to control my intake, every way I could think of: Only on weekends, only on special occasions, only wine, only beer......nothing ever worked for long, and each time I binged the damage was more terrifying. DUI's, horrible arguments, embarassment at work, health issues. If you could control it, you would. I know you have to decide for yourself, like I finally did - just saying that was my experience. Love to you, Joanie

JigOvLife

I second smallraccoon,

mle-sober,that was a great post

kelsh

Hi mle & all of you that have posted,

I was pretty much like mle with my drinking...but older by the time I got to the embarassing drinking...mostly at other's homes. I mostly did the bar scene after my first divorce and with my second husband...usually behaved myself then.

I have learned that it doesn't matter how much you drink, how often you drink but if it interferes in any part of your life...then you may be having alcoholic behaviors. But, as has been said, you are the only one that can call yourself an alcoholic.

When drinking out in public...with dinner...I could never understand people that left part of their drink or just drank one drink...it did not equate with me.

My last four years of drinking were my being a martyr because my second husband had been arrested and banned from our home so I felt I deserved to drink when I wanted to and as much as I wanted to....I still made it to work but had some pretty tough hangovers. I did all of my drinking at home...mainly because of the driving and having one child still home...she was six years old & I got a sitter once a week to go to group therapy until I surpassed the group and what they were accomplishing, rebuilding a new life & protecting my child...so I was told I didn't have to go anymore.

I had been dx with Major Depression when a teen so actually was self-medicating my depression with alcohol but didn't know that at the time.

I finely asked for help for my alcoholism and depression...I did not have any run ins with the law...no DUI's...but was a mess inside of "ME".

It has been twenty years now since I quit drinking and got help for my depression and I am still sober and still take meds for my depression. My life right now is better than it has been at any other time in my adult life...my babies...four of them were very important though and as soon as I knew I was pg I would stop drinking until they were born then start in again.

I just hope you can decide for yourself pooh bear that you are somewhere in the loop of drinking where eventually a person passes the invisible line and then there is no turning back without some help to quit drinking.

I went to in-patient tx, AA, & had a counselor for my alcoholism and a counselor for my depression...it worked very good for me that way when they finally agreed my depression was a family history as well as my alcoholism and not from my drinking...although I just about drank myself to death.

kelsh

maltipoobear

Wow! Thanks for all the words of wisdom! Much food for thought!