CrushedbyCrack

I have been going to Al Anon meetings off and on for a year now (just realized my al-anon birthday was 7/27!). I have picked up a lot of valuable information and have come a long way with my thinking about my AH's addiction (and my addiction to him). I know I have a long way to go. I have never gotten a sponsor or started working the steps...maybe because I don't go on a regular basis enough and tend to go to many different meetings as my schedule permits instead of just to one "home group". Anyway, i've been going more frequently lately, and I'm really interested in working the steps, but again just not familiar enough with anyone yet to ask them to be my sponsor. I noticed you have a step study here, so I think I may just start with that.

Anyway, to get to what I'm confused about...I have heard and read that you should accept your addict for what they are, surrender to the fact that you cannot help them, they have to help themselves. OK, I get that. I also have read and heard that you should love them unconditionally if you truly love them, and if I'm understanding correctly, not judge them, or feel resentment or frustration or hatred towards them. I am doing much better with this, as I have been reading all of the material he has been bringing home from his rehab (he asked me to do this) and I am starting to understand the whole disease concept, it has clicked for me. But, what I am still having a hard time with is that he continues to relapse, and I feel bitterness, resentment, and feel the need to "punish" him when it happens.

For instance, last night he called me at 5:15 to tell me he relapsed again and he just can't beat this thing, and he loves me but he just can't beat it. I suggested he go to a meeting a day for a year, get a sponsor, and work the steps (it worked for my cousin who was in a lot worse shape than him). His response was that a bullet would work too. I told him that way the chicken way out. Anyway, to get to the point (I have a hard time doing this-sorry), I knew before he called that he had relapsed because he missed his meeting which I knew because he didn't come home when he should have to go to it. His mom called me around 7pm to ask if I had heard from him and then went on to tell me he stopped by her house (strangely enough not to ask for money this time) to talk to her. She said he was very upset with himself that he had relapsed again, was feeling like it was hopeless, yada yada, she told him he should go home, and his response was that he was afraid I would call the police on him (he says this a lot, not sure why-only did that when he was threatening me). Anyway, he didn't come home until 1am, I was already asleep and had locked the door to the bedroom, so he woke me up beating on the door to get in. I had his pillows on the floor beside the bed. He got a shower and came to bed and of course wanted to cuddle me since I'm his wife. But every time this happens I can't help but push him away. I just can't bring myself to show him the same love and affection that I do when he's sober. I know that I should, at least that is what I'm interpreting, but I just can't do it. I guess it's my way of letting him know how I feel about it, and that I'm hurt by it. Is this wrong? I am just confused about this and need someone to tell me what is the right thing to do in this situation??

cinderellawkids

I cant answer your questions but a piece of advice that has helped me so much with my peace is DO NOT discuss any of it with him the day he used and/or is drinking. I will not actually within 24 hours after then and after I journal Ill talk to him. By then the sarcastic remarks and self pity from him are generally gone and my anger by the whole thing too.

I started by saying calmly, I will not associate you when you are like this. I remained calm no matter what lines he through at me. It took time but now he respects my space and hurt after something happens.

My sponsor always tells me talking to him when he's intoxicated or otherwise under the influence, coming down ect is like talking to a pine tree. AT first this was hard to grasp so when I wanted to tell him how I felt, i actually instead went out and talked to a tree. Sounds funny but it worked.
This weekend I found myself in a situation with a prideful drunk full of self pity-my brother in law, a guy whose been in recovery but with many bad relapsed, but just got out of rehab and strong for today and my husband who was almost 6 weeks clean at the time. We were all talking and I said something about talking to a pine tree. The enxt 72 hours many things happened between the bunch good, bad and indifferent, but now they are all using the line, saying leave it alone, he's like talking to a pine tree right now...Funny cause this line has now stopped what could have been rough altercations between the 3 of them

ladyamalthea

If he is going to get better, truly, it will have to be for himself first and foremost. Therefore, there is little to nothing that you could say or do immediately after his relapse to prevent him from trying again tomorrow. Like Cinderella said, addicts don't tend to absorb anything we say when they are using.

I hope you do find a sponsor and continue in your endeavor to begin working the steps. The best thing you can do for either of you is to ensure that you get to heal from his addiction.

IPT

I am new to all of this, but it seems to me that you have a right to create a boundary and understanding between the two of you that if he uses, you will not be "cuddling" with him that night (or for however long you feel you need afterwards). I don't balme you for wanting some space after that.

I agree though that he needs to do it on his own for himself. I am struggling with similar issues and my g/f using. Good luck, and a hug from me

Mavis

I read this really great quote today. Here it is..

"If a particular commitment is not in harmony with your purpose, eliminate or replace it."

Heck, I like it so much, I think I'm replacing the quote that I have..