dolphingal1971

I would like to say thank you to everyone that responded to my previous post, “Its Gone Too Far This Time.” Well, here’s a quick update on me. Saturday and Sunday went pretty well. No arguments really. I gave my son a graduation party on Saturday and it was nice. I thought A did not drink but he later told me he had 5 beers. We grilled and a couple of time I asked him if he wanted something to drink (meaning iced tea) and he said no. Later he told me, “why you think I told you I didn’t want anything to drink?” Well last night was awful. His daughter and her boyfriend were coming over for dinner. (First time ever). Well he called me at work after he had checked the mail and he looked MY bank statement over. I have a checking and savings account without him on either of them. He called me at work where I work in a cubicle and have people very close near by me. He proceeded to scream at me because he checked my statement and discovered that I had bought my sons 2 video games and I bought myself something at GNC. He was screaming into the phone and telling me now I see why you don’t have money. Which is a complete lie. He has NEVER paid my car payment, the satellite bill, insurance, or cell phone bills. I was so embarrassed. I know the lady next to me heard it. Well, that was a fuss later on the phone. When I got home and was preparing dinner, he proceeded to continue to gripe and fuss on me about me buying my son 2 video games. He said that my son NEVER does anything around the house and that I shouldn’t be buying him things that he does not deserve. Well, his daughter and her boyfriend arrived. We were in the kitchen and I don’t think they heard him but he blurted out and called me the “B” word without me saying anything to provoke it. I then threw my hands up and said, “that’s it, you cook it!” I went to the bedroom where he proceeded to beg and plead with me to finish cooking. Then he GRABBED me by my hand and said, “You better finish cooking!” Well we had dinner and everything was all so lovey dovey while his daughter was here and then when they left, he proceeded to rant and rave again. He then said that Thursday he was getting a restraining order and an eviction notice to throw me out. (He goes to court on Thursday for a domestic violence harassment charge. then he went to bed. I woke up at 3:30 am to go the bathroom and he was acting all sweet. Put his arm around me and I jerked away. I said, Oh a few hrs ago I’m a “B” to you. Well, then he said he didn’t MEAN to call me that, he meant to say that I was acting like one!!! then another fuss and he tells me that I’M the crazy one and that things had BETTER change or that he’s going to leave.
I’m so sick of this. I’m waiting until I have some money that comes in aug and hopefully I will be able to get my apartment. Why do they always want to turn things around and make EVERYTHING our fault. If it rains its our fault. If traffic is bad, its our fault. All I want is someone to not blame me for their crazy ways. He told me I turned him into a monster. that he was never like that until he met me and we have been together 4 yrs. He knows I’m very sensitive about my weight and recently lost 60lbs but I have put back almost 30 of it due to stress. Last night he said, “you cant do anything! you buying diet supplements and STILL can’t lose weight. You lost what 50 lbs? I said it was 60lbs. Yea and what have you put BACK ON, 40!!! Please everyone, tell me how do you block out all the negative, cruel things they say? If you made it this far reading, thank you. It feels so nice just to get this off my chest and to know that I’m not as crazy as he wants me to believe.
:wtf2:chatter

Reddmax

Dolphingal,

It's because their addicts, and nothing is ever their fault.

Reddmax

Dolphin,

My AW says "Its your fault that I drink, you stress me out so". She says "I f&**(& hate you". It's always something mean, hurtful, and and totally vicious. It's what they do.

Barbara52

I'm sorry you are being treated this was. No one deserves such abuse. It is abuse you know.

Why blame you? Because blaming themselves would entail an honest look inside their heads, something an active A is not willing to do. Heck us codependents don't do it either! Accepting responsbilty form himself would be he saw himself as he is seen by you. Do you think that is likely? Its much easier to blame you, the phase of the moon, the interest rate, anything other than himself.

My xAH still blames me and the world in general for all his difficulties. He cannot take that honest look at his life, his behaviors, his choices and see how they have led him to where he is, homelessness in 8 days. He much prefers to view himself as a victim of me, of an unfair world. Accepting responsibility woul dmean facing the fact that he has choswen to continue drinking, has chosen to sit on his bahind for 3 years now rather than find a job. His denial is too deep to allow him to do so yet. I pray one day he can face reality and does find his way into recovery.

lovtolaff

I kicked him out. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way but it's true. I could NOT and refused to take the "snippy" comments any longer.

And near the end of our relationship - he said I "nagged" too much. I got so sick of hearing that. I was "nagging" over the drinking, drugging, stupid behaviour that was getting out of control. I guess I was just supposed to sit there and be the "good little girlfriend" while he did whatever he wanted.

Well now he's doing whatever he wants - drinking, drugging, getting kicked out of bars, fighting - and guess what? He only WISHES he had my "nagging" to deal with again.

Honey - it's not you. It's just like Barbara said...Because blaming themselves would entail an honest look inside their heads, something an active A is not willing to do.

Hugs to you.

Astro

I just posted this on another thread in F&F http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Cassey

So they dont have to look at themselves. So they can feel better about their actions.

Taking5

Don't over analyze this situation dolphingal. Just leave, you deserve better. You have a good plan, make it stick.

isitme

Like everyone else said.. he does it so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own actions.

I know exactly how you feel I've been in this cycle for about the same amount of time too. Everything is your fault, you never do anything well enough, he's MR.WONDERFUL around other people and as soon as their gone he's MR. HYDE. The name calling, then cuddling up crap! (This one is my personal favorite) Oh yeah, and who could forget the "If YOU don't shape up, I'm leaving!" threats. I really like those too..

I've gotten better about not letting all the stuff get to me, but I'm not sure that it really helps. For me at least, once I've blocked it out I have the horrible feeling that I'm living a lie, that if I have to put my life in a shadow just to get through it what kind of a life is that. I think for me the only way to truly feel better about it is going to be to leave. I haven't yet been strong enough to do that, but I'm starting to see it as the only way out. I feel like, even if he gets help, he's already said one too many things to take back.

I hope you find whatever strength your most looking for, either the kind that helps you through it or the kind that lets you out.

Hugs

needtolearn

I loved your post. I was JUST thinking about this very thing. They blame you when they don't want to face themselves, then they blame you/miss you when you back away from their crap.

The last words I remember from exalkiebf/ahole is "I guess you're the winner and I'm the loser huh?"

The answer to that actually is YES, but it's insane. Bottom line, he wanted me to be "Ms. Compliant" and let him drink and (now) drug himself to death, while he whines about how HARRRRRRRRRRD it is to be sober, and humps me (poorly) every now and then.

It still hurts, it makes me angry, but I know it's because he's jealous of my sobriety, and that I'm not using my depression as a cop out for self destruction. I'm bio-chemically depressed, but DAMN IT I work and pay bills, and live life sober, and he can't stand that. Oh well.

Barbara52

I don't see it that way at all. My xAH is not a loser because he refuses to face his alcoholism and other issues. He's a flawed human being doing the best he can at this place and time. I cannot view him as a loser at all. I feel great sorrow that he is unable at this time to look at himself and see what I see but in no way do I view him as a loser. I think it would deminish me if I viewed him that way.

needtolearn

Barb, you know appreciate your follow up and what you have to say.

To clarify, someone isn't a loser unless they choose to be. For the longest, I didn't want to see "ex" as a loser. The situation/he breaks my heart. He has all the tools inside and resources "outside" to be a winner. He's choosing to be a loser. The comment about being a loser came from him.

Literally, he's not a loser, he's a sick human being. Figuratively, he's choosing to live like a loser. You know the saying "If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck..."

I on the other hand AM a winner because I choose to be one.

theotherone

It's funny how you mentioned the term "loser" needtolearn...mine calls himself one also, but then turns it around and claims I've labeled him that. I have never called him or referred to him as a loser...he has given himself that title. I too feel compassion for him, but know I cannot change it for him.

kelsh

Hi Dolfingal,

Your post could have been mine back in the 80's. My ex abused my son psychologically and our daughter, six, he molested. I hated my marriage because my son and I could never do anything good enough...it was like I was always walking on egg shells.

At this time neither of us drank at home but went out once or twice a week. That was the only time he could be fun to talk with. When he was arrested, he could no longer be near the home, but broke every restraining order put on him but the sheriff's department couldn't do anything about anything unless they saw him do it.

I divorced him as soon as possible and he was very angry...didn't think he had done anything that bad....had an extra year of group counseling added to his three years of counseling because he still would say he didn't do anything that bad!

If they would have had the "Stalking Law" back then he could have been caught doing that for sure.

My son went to live with his Dad just before things came apart and when school was out I gave my notice at work and my daughter and I moved back to the eastern part of the state so I didn't have to deal with him on a daily basis...or unplug my phone....I usually did that when I got home from work after I called my parents.

We were back where my son lived and my first husband...the other three children were out on their own..one in college & the other two working.

This all happened in 1984 and it took me four years of daily drinking to hit my bottom of all bottoms. So in 1988 I sobered up and got help for my depression. I worked and my daughter and I lived on our own but did do activities with my son and first husband on the weekends. I was the alcoholic not my first husband.

It was like a new world to not be drunk and to be around people that cared. I had lived a negative life nine years and couldn't see the trees through the forest or the other way around.....I worked the AA Program with my Sponsor and went to meetings every day for one year. The second year I went back to college, continued with my counseling, work, & raising a diabetic teenager, plus attended AA at least three times a week. I took on a lot at once but it worked for me.

Now I have 20 years of Sobriety and am retired and my daughter is 31 years old, married, & has a six year old son. I have been remarried to my first husband for six years now. I have two step sons, a son, & another daughter out in this world doing their living life as they choose to do. All are doing well but one that is 39 & a quadraplegic from a failed suicide..he is the son that lived with me and my second husband....he had been abused by this man when young too....this excuse of a man is now dead and I have no remorse for him at all and never will.

My son had been in the Navy during Desert Storm and they treated him for depression so he was eligible for benefits and the VA provides all of his care, supplies, & meds in the VA Hospital and when he is at home in his own place. He lives about a mile from us.

kelsh

Barbara52

Ah, well I suppose the comments from him about seeing himself as a loser are in some way glimpses of the self hate that underlies alcoholism. And in many ways its not so different than the many self esteem issues us codependents feel. How many times have we all made statements that are the equivalent. {shrug}

Absolutely!

steve11694

You're killing me!