Blondie

Sorry so long but I can't vent anywhere else, I just need to get it out somewhere! And I thought I had a handle on things, but I'm a mess right now.

I am frustrated!!! My AH is worried about money. Good grief, my AH makes pretty good money and just got another raise, but he still rants and raves about our "money trouble" and tries to put it off on me for spending to much on the kids (school supplies, new shoes, birthdays, etc from Walmart, nothing fancy). He always points in my direction to try to make me feel guilty and he knows it bugs me because I come from a family that didn't have much money at all so I did without a lot of things growing up and I've done without a lot of things since we were married because I'm used to it. I do what I can to save money. We don't take vacations and I don't buy cloths for myself very often (once a year maybe I buy a dress or shoes) and I cut my own hair. But he goes out to the bar and buys everyone drinks (his "friends") to the tune of $900 EACH MONTH for the past six months! He buys lottery tickets (with his "friends" and cigerettes, and goes on mini-vacations sometimes because the poor baby is so stressed). I read the statements from the credit card companies and the checking account to see if the amounts I have spent were billed correctly, and low and behold, he has spent more then we pay for our mortgage each month for half a year just at the bar! Also, at one pizza place he spent $90 on his "friends" buying them pizza and beer. He's bugging me to get a job now, but I know exactly what will happen because it happened when I went to collage full time. He'll spend much more on his "friends" and I'll be stuck taking care of the house, the kids, my parents (stepfather terminally ill), homework, etc, etc, etc, which is what I'm doing now. He never helps out with the kids or around the house, and he is very unreliable. There are a few families whos dad works at the same place for the same amount of money and they have little to no money problems because the dad does not drink! One family has five children and the mom stays home and no problem. They ALL economize. It is so frustrating. He acts like a bachelor, but tells me he doesn't want to be single (as far as I know he doesn't have a girlfriend because he is taking pain meds and he can't "perform" on those). I am due to inherit some money when my stepfather dies (although I'd rather have my stepfather around then the money because I love him like a dad and it's heartbreaking), and when I do, I know I'll have to lie about the amount because my AH will want me to pay his credit card bills so he can put more booze on it for his "friends". He brags that he is popular finally. Oh grow up! They use you to buy them drinks Bozo.

When I confronted him with the bills (when he was sober) he gasped at the amount he spent and said he would cut back (who here has heard that before). But he spent MORE money the next month as if trying to taunt me. I have a few medical bills that he says we can't afford to pay (I hope they take payments) and he brings up the fact that it cost a lot for my tests and emergency room visit. If he gets ANOTHER DUI, how much will THAT cost?

He's always been bad with money. When we were in the military together and made about the same amount, I'd have plenty of money left over (even after insurance and car payments) and would put it in my savings account where as he would be broke! Never could figure that one out because he wasn't drinking at the time and lived in the barricks like I did. Heck, I loaned him money to pay his taxes (I am such a sucker) so we could get married with no debt.

I'm just hanging in there because it would be financially impossible to leave now (plus, I'm helping my elderly mother take care of my stepfather who is dying). I just have a few more years at the most and then I can leave with the kids. I'm tired of being the grownup in this joke of a relationship. AHHHH!

When the kids go back to school next week, I'm finding another al-anon meeting. He hates it when I go to al-anon because he thinks his drinking isn't a problem. Yeah, right.

hadenoughnow

It's a losing battle, my ex and I did this sort of dance for years. He would blame me for "money problems" I would show him in black and white where all of our extra money was going (his drinking and cigarettes) and he would act shocked and promise to straighten up. No matter how much money I made he managed to spend every dime he could get his hands on. Divorcing him was the only way I got full control since he refused to "allow" me to seperate our money and "charge" him his share of the bills. Now that he is on his own he is taking 401k loans to support his "lifestyle".

sadandhopeless

There is nothing you can do. You spoke to him about his spending and he he going to do what he chooses to do. He is putting his addiction and his drinking buddies before you and the kids.

Addicts sometimes seems so self absorbed. Does he not realize the kids need a roof over their head, cloths on their back, food in their mouth and school supplies before his "friends" need for him to pay for their food and drinking habbits? Makes no sense to me.

Who handles the household finances?

I know this is wrong and it is me treating my AH like a child but he was cut off from credits cards, checks and cash, until recently. When he is activly drinking he gets minimal money because then he would drink our entire life away and everything we worked so hard for, but he is aware of this and although he does not like it he goes along with it so that he does not end up homeless.

Barbara52

You may want to think of the financial issues in a long term sort of way. As a married couple, you are responsible for his debts (true in all states I do believe). Are you comfortable with the possibility of his running up big debts? Is there a way you can begin to take steps to protect yourself financially? Open an account of you own to start saving money in case its needed? Making sure credit cards are not in both your names? An alcoholic can indeed runs up big debts in support of their drinking and associated behaviors.

OverItNow

I got laid off in June--I have two small kids. Husband is our sole "support", other than my 110.00 per week unemployment check, right now until I find a job. Tomorrow I have to pay my mortgage to cover JULY--he barely has any money, but has three empty bottles of Bacardi, two empty bottles of Jameson's and 13 empty cans of Guinness in his little refrigerator and a brand new bag of pot. This has been going on for many years. When I worked I did everything as well, but honestly, it doesn't change.

They know how much they spend--I used to feel incredible guilt if I went out and bought a cheapo pair of shoes. If my husband can look at his family, knowing they can't pay the bills, yet go out and spend that sort of money, well, not much of a man in my opinion.

Now fortunately you are not at that point yet, but it could happen. We used to make 200,000. a year together, now we can't pay our bills. I would suggest you start looking into a way to earn some sort of income. If you are on the "few more years plan" (like I seem to be). Even something from home--selling stuff on ebay, etc. I don't know what your former profession was, but you could use this time to take some university classes online too. Just prepare. Don't let it come out of left field, or worse, bury your head in the sand as I did. It takes no time at all for months to turn into years.

Jazzman

My 1st wife thought a limit on a credit card was goal to be achieved. She would write checks until the bounced check notices came in the mail, then see how much we were in the hole for that month. I would see my paycheck get deposited and then ask if I could take $20 out for gas, (she always had the joint check book with her) she would do the math and say, yeah, but don't take anymore than $20. After several years of fighting over money I decided to detach and allow her the dignity of making her own choices and living with those choices, good or bad..... LOL!!! Here's what I did.

I sat her down and said I am separating our finances, period. I divided the bills into income proportionate amounts and said I'll take these bills, you take those. She got the smaller stack of bills and I took the lions share cuz I made slightly more. I opened my own checking and savings account and never again used the joint account, that was hers. I then went about paying my bills and balancing my budget. For the first time since we were married I had a savings account and it was growing, I paid off my credit card and stopped using it. I got to the point I could pay my bills as soon as they came in the mail instead of waiting until payday. I even saved enough to refi with a 15 yr loan and saved tons of money on interest.

My vote is take charge.

Blondie

Good advice. I know it won't get any better. I did open up my own savings account years ago and have been saving a little bit here and there. And there is only one credit card in both of our names and the other two only has his on it. Those two are maxed out.

I can see that it is typical for alcoholics to put the booze and buddies before their families. It's hard to believe. I couldn't imagine putting anything before my kids, they come first. My mom does say she'll help out with the kid's expenses if they need anything and I can't afford it. But I never tell my AH, because he gets mad about my mom helping with anything because she confronted him about what he was doing and now he hates her more then ever. My stepfather confronted him too, and he hates my stepfather now too. The truth hurts, and he won't listen.

His dad gave him his collage fund a few years ago ($75,000) and he spent it all in two years on "entertainment", "toys", and bad investments, so anything I make that he knows about, will be spent before I make it.

Yes, I should earn some extra money. I do have a few things I could sell on ebay and I could mow lawns or clean gutters. I do our own taxes so I could help other people at tax season (got a degree in accounting). I'm so glad I've got the savings account because once a month I collect all the coins that he has thrown away on the counter or in the car and dollar bills and put them in my savings account. That's at least $50 a month in odd change (it adds up). Plus I've been putting $20 a week into that account for when I have to leave.

I can anticipate probably moving in with my mother in a few years and then she can watch the kids and I'll find a job I can do at night while they sleep. I don't think he will keep his job after we leave because he will not want to pay me one thin dime. He was told by his dad and a few "friends" before we got married, that all women want is your money. That's a sad way to think, but I can't change his attitude.

Also, he gets his paycheck direct deposited and refuses to do otherwise.

prodigal

You have my heart-felt sympathy, Blondie. My AH has taken the "final stand" of manipulating the money. It got to the point that my credit rating was going down the tubes because he would pay-by-phone the minimum on my credit cards on their due dates. That meant I incurred at $15 service charge and the bills were not getting paid down one bit.

Although I'm still working on finishing my college degree I went out and got a job - ANY job. I stood for 40-plus hours a week on my feet in a department store. It was mindless, repetitive work and my back and knees ached constantly. But I started chipping away at my bills and paying them ahead of time. I even paid two credit cards off.

Fast forward 90 days. My back and knees gave out, but I took a job just two miles from home working as a receptionist in a beauty salon/spa. I only make $8.75 an hour. But I kept all my accounts - credit cards, savings and checking - in my name only. AH's accounts are in his name only.

He is still poor mouthing about the $600 he had to pay out to get his truck fixed. Yeah, right. The man makes $85K a year!!! He is always whining that he's in debt, doesn't have any spare cash, blah, blah, blah. He can afford to buy booze and cigarettes though.

Plug away at getting financial independence. If possible, get a part-time job. Save spare change you find around the house. I did that, and ended up putting $300 in my savings account. I sold most of my jewelry that was worth anything. We have always maintained separate accounts. That was a help for me.

And I hear my AH so clearly in your post. Just like your's, mine thinks women are nothing more than gold-diggers who want to take a man to the cleaner's for his money.

Blondie

Oh man, Prodigal! I think we married the same guy! It's amazing how similar a lot of these stories are. Mine makes $60 K a year and gets money from his parents (he whines to them about money), has excellent benefits, but feels used and abused by EVERYBODY. Calls himself everybody's doormat. Oh, boy.

dolphingal1971

i too can relate totally. Come Wednesday or thursday morning mine is always asking me to write a check so he can get gas. Funny, I write him checks and then last week he showed me where he had paid a $250 tab at the local gas station. Today he called me on my lunch break and said he was going to the store to buy a soda. Said "I dont have any money to buy anything else". La de daaaaa.....I get paid every 2 weeks. They are such incompetent jerks with their money.

Live

You must have some access to joint money? If it were me, everytime I went to Wal-Mart and places like that where it says do you want cash I would say yes, and take the max and put it in my private savings account.

Being married to him, you may have to write the credit cards or publish it in the paper as a legal notice that you will not be responsible for his debts. I suggest seeing an attorney about this. In my state, whenever married, I was responsible also and even after the divorce and it said he was to pay them, I was still responsible. I would have had to take him to court for contempt of court.

Berry76

My xah was exactly the same...
Making good money before he got fired, but even when he was making good money he would go whine to his parents how he didn't have any money cause I had spent it all... When I then showed them bank statements on where every penny had went, I was told that I had made those up... They are excellent at making you feel like crap and making you feel like you really are to blame.
I would only spend money on gas, bills and food for us and the animals. While he would spend it on drugs and alcohol, but it was still my fault...

Blondie

Thanks everybody for your support and stories. I never thought about the fact that I could be responsible for part of the debt. Makes sense though. Thanks to your advice I have come up with a financial plan for myself. I will research what the laws in Georgia say about divorce and debt so that I'm not surprised when the time comes to act. Thanks Liveweyerd for the advice on the credit card debt, I'll look into what I can do on that too. There is so much involved in this whole process, it can be mind boggling, but I know I can do it because I see here that a lot of people have succeeded in planning for their own future.

i4getsm

If he had a good response when you reviewed the bank statement and showed him how much he is spending, maybe another discussion could get you some portion of his paycheck allocated to your own checking/savings account? Maybe talking to him about creating a budget and you'll take X dollars to pay for groceries, bills, etc. and the rest will remain in his account for his spending?

Trying to think of ways that you can have more of the money available to you. HTH!