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Don't know what to do!

Old 07-29-2008, 10:30 PM
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Don't know what to do!

Someone once said in here was "The thoughts in my head, the ones that won't go away, that have been there for so long, the thoughts that hold me back and keep me from growing. Worries, fears, false expectations" is exactly what I'm struggling with and have been for years but even more now because I've been starting to deal with my in feelings that I've been stuffing down.
I'm scared to say goodbye to the stuff that I'm used to doing, as in using and hanging out with unhealthy people.
I'm scared that I can't and won't move on.
This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my whole life.
I want to have a healthy relationships with people and a healthy life, but on the other hand I want to just get lost and not do the work.
It's as if I'm sitting on the fence and can't decide witch side to fall off of.
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Old 07-30-2008, 10:16 AM
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Old 07-30-2008, 10:16 AM
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Hi Kat..Glad you are here.
I think we all feel that way when we first begin our road to a better life.
It is normal. As addicts we do stuff things for a long time and on top of it we numb it.
So when we take away the using and then open the gates.
Its almost like everything comes rushing out.
Can be overwhelming at first.
Its always scary to change. To leave the familiar behind.
But these are things that will come easier as time goes by.
While your sitting up on that fence...Take a good look at both sides.
You should have a pretty good view of where each side leads.
There are lots of great people here. More than willing to lend their hearts and support.
Hope to see more of you.
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Old 07-30-2008, 10:22 AM
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My daughter is my addict. She is 22. She was with her abf for 2+ years. He was 17 years older than her and had a good job and provided her with all her drugs (opiates). I never thought that she would leave him. She had everything that she wanted, plenty of drugs and no responsibilities. But, like you, she did want better for her life and Memorial Day she called and asked for help. She has 65 days clean and will be coming home on Saturday to continue her recovery here. She has plans for aftercare and will be attending IOP and AA meetings. You can change your life. It is possible. Hugs and Welcome, Marle
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Old 07-30-2008, 10:24 AM
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Hi Kat and welcome. You are certainly not alone with the way you're feeling. As far as the fence is concerned you can only "fall off" one side. The other side is a carefully controlled climb down.

Good luck and keep posting.
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Old 07-30-2008, 11:18 AM
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hey kat, just hugs. you know what you have to do. all the hard work will pay off. ask all the folks here living healthy and happy lives in recovery. i liked what sobearish said above about the fence!

keep reachin' out, k
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Old 07-30-2008, 11:26 AM
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((((Kat)))

Welcome to SR!

I remember feeling what you're feeling. I was actually tired of the using life (crack was my DOC), but I just didn't know if I had it in me to get clean.

I was angry...mostly at myself because I had really screwed up and I have a LOT of consequences because of it. I was also angry because I couldn't use...not even "occasionally"....it may BEGIN occasionally, but it rapidly progresses.

I promised myself that I would put everything I had into recovery for one year. If it wasn't worth it, crack would still be there. It didn't happen immediately, but it didn't take long to realize life was so much better in recovery.

SR has been a HUGE part of my recovery. I've met some wonderful friends here, and I haven't had a single situation come up that my friends haven't helped me through.

When we put as much energy into recovery, as we did into getting and using drugs, it's amazing what we can accomplish.

I have almost 17 months clean. I'm still dealing with legal/financial/job consequences. But, my worst day clean is so much better than my "best" day using.

Give it a chance...you really are worth it! And stick around SR...you'll find a ton of support!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-30-2008, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Kat67 View Post
Someone once said in here was "The thoughts in my head, the ones that won't go away, that have been there for so long, the thoughts that hold me back and keep me from growing. Worries, fears, false expectations" is exactly what I'm struggling with and have been for years but even more now because I've been starting to deal with my in feelings that I've been stuffing down.
I'm scared to say goodbye to the stuff that I'm used to doing, as in using and hanging out with unhealthy people.
I'm scared that I can't and won't move on.
This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my whole life.
I want to have a healthy relationships with people and a healthy life, but on the other hand I want to just get lost and not do the work.
It's as if I'm sitting on the fence and can't decide witch side to fall off of.

i really related to your post and concur that these are normal or common feelings people have in recovery.

alcohol and drugs, really, arent the problem...

the problem....is these thoughts in our heads as you mention.
and for me I want to just get "zapped" or "fixed" so that I can just be ok and these stukpid thoughts can go away

I don't want to do the work though it seems
or when i do the work, it lasts for a few days
then something happens and i use again

I don't have any idea if this is your first attempt or if you've been trying for a while,

no matter I hope you are able to find the light in the center of your heart
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Old 07-30-2008, 11:43 AM
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Courage is defined as doing something, to the best of your ability, even when you are scared to do it.

Decide what you want, what you REALLY want, then muster up the courage to attain it.

Keep coming back.
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Old 07-30-2008, 12:08 PM
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Yeah I've been dealing with my addiction for it feels to long and want to get better, witch I guess is the first step. I'm new in this site and so far is really nice to hear I'm not the only one. Lately I've been so tired because I've been starting to look at my past that I've been stuffing down for years.
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Old 07-30-2008, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Kat67 View Post
This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my whole life. I want to have a healthy relationships with people and a healthy life, but on the other hand I want to just get lost and not do the work.
It's as if I'm sitting on the fence and can't decide witch side to fall off of.
Hi Kat,

methinks if you are aware of being on the fence, and your desire is to not just fall off but purposely get off, then the side which gives you the most life that you have always wanted is the side to decide on!!



Robby
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Old 07-30-2008, 12:11 PM
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You are definitely not the only one....there are lots and lots of us! I think I'm dealing with things I stuffed down for decades....it's a whole lot better when we deal with them then move one. I don't want to have to deal with something years from now, just because I stuffed it down today.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-30-2008, 12:44 PM
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I think that is the hardest part having to face our emotions, fear, self-centeredness, self-pity, my list could go on and on. I feel trapped in my life by all these emotions. I know until I put in the work for me I will always be trapped and I do not want that.

Just remember we are similiar her trying to be on similar paths. You can do this. It is hard but anything is possible and that is the beauty of life...
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Old 07-30-2008, 04:20 PM
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Kat, I know exactly how you feel. I have been on opiates for over 20+ years and I decided to quit awhile back and I did and it lasted 80 days and something happened stressful and I thought I could numb myself and then go back to being clean. Numbing ourselves are what we are doing so we dont have to face life on life terms. I am as new as you are, trying to kick the habit again. I can tell you that the physcial withdrawls are not the easiest but the mental part is what you will have to work on. I know I have depression and anxiety so I had to see a doctor so that I could be on the correct meds to help with the mental issues that were the underlying reason I use.
My son has mental problems and he smokes pot and takes his meds also, I am struggling to get him the help that he needs. But wanted to share that you might want to talk to a theapist to why you use and they really can help you thru this. They can give you meds if you have any type of depression or anxiety or whatever else you might need. You are taking a huge step in your life, dont fall off the wrong side of that fence. Your life will get better, I promise you that. Good luck and keep posting here. We all have either been there or are going thru it. Good luck hun!! Stay strong.
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Old 07-30-2008, 04:29 PM
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Hi Kat and Welcome,

I know how you feel. Having to deal with the past, kept me from getting sober for a long time. To actually have to deal with so much stuff and adding to that, the problems that I'd caused with my drinking. But, you know Kat, there's only one thing to do and that's to get through it. You can do it, and you will be stronger and wiser for doing it.
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Old 07-30-2008, 05:29 PM
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Your all so supportive and I'm so grateful for it. I've been seeing a therapist for the last three weeks and I dread every day before the day I'm supposed to see her cause I'm scared to look at my stuff. It's just hard to tell a stranger my deepest darkest.....stuff
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Old 07-30-2008, 05:34 PM
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Hi and welcome Kat . I hope you stick around... lots of good people, info and support here to help you figure it all out.
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Old 07-30-2008, 07:11 PM
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Hi Kats, You sound like you've come to a healthy decision on what to do with your life now. Talking to a therapist was the best thing I could have done for myself. I know facing alot of hard words from them can not be comfortable but I had to...my son is on cocaine and I'd do just about anything to get him straight......so keep up the good work and I know it won't be easy for you ~~~~but just think of the wonderful, fullfilling life you can lead....Big hugs and smiles, Bonnie
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Old 07-30-2008, 09:38 PM
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That was my biggest set back too. Not being able to open up. Good Lord..Especially to someone I didnt know or in front of a group of strangers.
I was sorta put on the spot the first time in a treatment center. And I found when I started..I couldnt shut up.
And it felt so good to get it out. And even better to have someone give me input on it.
Now I am always running my mouth. They dont know what they did to me. Scratch the surface and I exploded.
It will get easier. But there is no way around it. It is something that must be done in order to move on. The sooner the better IMO.
Youll do fine.
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Old 07-30-2008, 09:41 PM
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Welcome Kat!
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