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So my wife finally…

Old 07-29-2008, 10:19 AM
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So my wife finally…

… said something about my drinking.

We had been away for the weekend and I finished a liter of scotch and 10 beers in 2 days. We we’re home on the couch and she casually mentioned that I should cut down on my drinking. I tensed up and immediately went into ‘dangerous territory’ mode. I agreed with her and we spoke about it for a few minutes. She, basically saying it was ok for me to ‘have a few’ but the amount I was drinking was unhealthy, and me, agreeing completely but anxious to end the conversation.

We have spoken about it in the past. A couple of years ago I tried to open a dialogue about how I didn’t seem to be able to drink like other people. How it was all or nothing for me, and always had been since I started drinking as a teenager. It didn’t go so well. She became upset and basically said I wasn’t really trying.

I didn’t bring it up again for awhile until I secretly began to attend a few AA meetings. I didn’t choose the best way to reintroduce the topic; I casually announced that I’d been to an AA meeting during my lunch hour. She got quite upset this time and we had an argument. Basically I think she was afraid of me being an alcoholic, and all the stigmatism that come with it. Also her mother is an in-denial alcoholic and quote:

“I don’t need an alcoholic husband as well”.

I did go to a few more meetings but was still drinking 5 days out of 7. Then I got a new 'work from home' job and basically slipped back into nightly drunkenness for 18 months.

Last Nov I finally gave up my 15 year pot habit. My wife used to smoke with me daily but could stop at will. I was able to make her understand that one smoke for me would mean buying an ounce, and she was very supportive and proud of me quitting.

At the same time I began to try and reduce my alcohol intake; however I didn’t mention it to my wife. I came back to SR and started posting again, I started keeping a daily record of the amount of drinks I had or didn’t have each day, and I made drinking the main focus of my therapy sessions.

Which brings me to the present (thanks for sticking with me) I have been making good progress with my drinking. I’m still in the 3-5 days then relapse faze; but I’ve stopped the shame cycle and have been really focusing on recovery. Now that my wife has expressed concern, part of me wants to let it all out and have ‘the conversation’ with her. However, due to her previous reactions, I’m scared to do that as I don’t know how she would react to me slipping and having a ‘day 1’ again.

The 1 day at a time mantra has been so helpful for me but I’m terrified that talking with my wife will mean no more ever or else… and that scares the be-Jesus out of me.
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Old 07-29-2008, 10:35 AM
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I was terrified at the thought of no more alcohol forever.

But I decided I had to 'man up' and give it a shot one day at a time.

I was tired of putting other people through hard times just so I could keep being a pansy.

No offense intended, these were just my feelings, but I really, truly, felt like a complete piece of **** because I was too much of a self-centered adult-wimp child to quit drinking. All I had to do was take a look at myself in the mirror and realize I didn't have to be a worthless spineless worm running for a drink everytime I thought I needed to, and put it down one day at a time.

14 years later and I still remember what a schmuck I was with my drinking. Me, me, me..... thinking.

I hope I never forget.
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Old 07-29-2008, 10:47 AM
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For me to stay sober...
I had to want sobriety
more than I wanted to drink


...Blessings to the 3 of you
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Old 07-29-2008, 11:07 AM
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I'm right there with you, I tried and tried to drink in moderation, but I just can't. I finally convinced myself that no more alcohol forever was the answer. Now I try to focus on everyday life without alcohol. I had to "Man-up" and admit that, sure I could drink and have fun, but I couldn't stop.
Also after you have kids the world changes. I remember several times being home with the kids and knowing that if I had to drive them to the doctor or whatever, I couldn't.
Last thought, I have talked to my wife about it, she drinks (Responsibly) (SP?) She was sad to see it go from our life together. We enjoy traveling and wine and night-caps etc. But for the over-all relationship and parenthood, it's better that I do not drink anymore...

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Old 07-29-2008, 11:16 AM
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I remember being afraid that my husband might come to the realization he was an alcoholic, and maybe I would also have to quit drinking. Surprise, Surprise! He left me for another alcoholic, they hit bottom, joined AA, and I continued on my merry way for another two years.

Then, I decided to try Al-Anon, so I would better understand his problem when we reconciled...see, I thought my problem was him! After going to a few AA meetings, I realized I was identifying more with the alcoholics than the friends and family members. Long story short, I wound up in detox/rehab and AA. That was over 28 years ago.

My husband and I never did reconcile; but, even though we divorced, both being in AA helped us to make our amends to each other. He passed away a few years ago with about 23 years of sobriety.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is you obviously have come to grips with your alcoholism and aren't afraid of the stigmatism...perhaps you can convince your wife that it's better to be a recovering alcoholic one day at a time with the help of AA than to wind up a staggering, slurring drunk.

You sound serious about wanting sobriety, so I wouldn't sabotage your chances by already thinking in terms of relapse.
However, due to her previous reactions, I’m scared to do that as I don’t know how she would react to me slipping and having a ‘day 1’ again.
Just concentrate on not drinking one day at a time. You may be surprised at how quickly the days will add up!

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Old 07-29-2008, 11:38 AM
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SoBearish, Wow can I relate!
I knew I had a problem LONG before I quit drinking. My husband had approached me several times with that exact attitude (you just need to slow down, drink less, don't drink at home, etc.) Well, I could not do that. In fact I had that exact discussion with him the night before I hit bottom. He actually told me that I was not an alcoholic because I did not drink every day. My bottom was not pretty and it definitely woke him up. I wish it didn't have to be that way but truly it was a blessing as now there is nothing but support from him in my recovery. He asks about meetings is I miss one of my regulars for some reason. I love it! And after a couple of months seeing the changes in me, he went to his first Alanon meeting.

That is HUGE! He is totally a guy that believes in sucking it up and getting over things. He also believes in the power of willpower and the "God" stuff bugs him but you know what? He has accepted me with all my faults and is happy with the changes. I don't talk recovery all the time and and I believe in keeping my anonymity. I must say that our relationship is better than it ever has been.

I guess what I am trying to say is that once I accepted that I was an alcoholic and that is not the worst thing in the world, I became willing. There is this book called Living Sober and it is great. There is this section (first 10 pages) on comparing our alcohol problem to an allergy just like other people have food allergies and have to avoid those foods. There could be a LOT worse things to be allergic to than alcohol! I had my husband read it and it made much more sense to him than the other recovery literature he has seen.

We are here for you, keep talking! :ghug
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Old 07-29-2008, 02:28 PM
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SoBearish

Admitting to myself I was an alcoholic was the hardest thing I ever did.

ME? ALCOHOLIC?

I was intelligent, I was stubborn, I was resourceful, I was a good person with a good heart....
I spent a good part of my 15 years drinking denying the reality.

When I did finally acknowledge it, the weight that that lifted made it possible for me to finally beat this crap.

I had to get to an all day everyday drinking habit to admit it tho....

Have the conversation you need to. And you need to - no matter how unpleasant.
Explain that booze is just like the pot was.

You have a wife and a baby on the way SB - you can't really afford the kind of long study in debauchery I had. You already know the 'have a few' agreement is doomed to failure.

Think about this hard SB.....

and good luck
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Old 07-29-2008, 06:31 PM
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SoBearish -- thank you for sharing. I have the opposite problem! My husband is trying to convince me that I don't have a problem. He sees nothing wrong with my getting wasted or thinking about my next drink every time I drink. I guess he just doesn't understand the internal conflict.

You have a ton to live for -- you won't believe what kids will do for your life -- they are wonderful...but as I know it, they won't keep you sober. You've got to want that for yourself.

Again, thank you.
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Old 07-29-2008, 10:21 PM
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So much conflict...I feel for ya.

Admintting I was an alcoholic/drug addict was EASY.

Staying away was hard. Hardest at first.

Being completly free and finished with alcohol is the best feeling in the world to me. It was like waking up and finally feeling alive.
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Old 07-29-2008, 11:01 PM
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After a few 24 hours, I am still going by 24 hours at a time.

I get all muddled and fuddled if I think further than that.

Someone posted this awhile ago and I'm sure it comes from some wise AAer, but it helps me through the roughest patches... "Anything you put before your sobriety, you will lose." Once I started to put my sobriety first, all those promises started to come true. I'm amazed every day.
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Old 07-30-2008, 06:19 AM
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It sounds like a great conflict is raging within you. Only you can decide to drink or not, but it sounds like you want to quit. Don't focus on 'forever', just don't drink one day at a time.

I hope you can make a good decision and start to "really live" instead of living to drink. And when the baby comes you're going to have a lot of demands on your time that may be hard to do if you're still drinking a lot.

All the best to you in arriving at a healthy solution.

:ghug3
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Old 07-30-2008, 06:25 AM
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Interesting...my wife also says I'm not an alkie but she also doesn't know the half of what I would drink (like us all I was GOOD at hiding it!). I don't know how she'd react to knowing I was on here. I haven't been to a meeting yet but I've really been thinking about it, and I don't know how she'd react to that either. I guess I need to prove to myself first that I can do this before I advertise it to her...she did say I'd betrayed her trust many times by saying I wasn't going to get sloppy (and then of course I did), so I don't want to announce i'm recovering when I just might relapse again.
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Old 07-30-2008, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by toooldfratguy View Post
I guess I need to prove to myself first that I can do this before I advertise it to her...she did say I'd betrayed her trust many times by saying I wasn't going to get sloppy (and then of course I did), so I don't want to announce i'm recovering when I just might relapse again.

Thank you all for your responses. It has given me good food for thought (God I think about this so much!).

TooOld – You’re getting where I’m at. I’ve been making slow but good progress without including my wife. I’m scared if I do that now, it will accelerate the recovery wagon to a point that if I fall off I will cause so much extra damage.
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Old 07-30-2008, 10:10 AM
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"...if I fall off I will cause so much extra damage."

Are you possibly leaving yourself an avenue for failure, thus facilitating failure before you even try to succeed?

Maybe?

Just something to think about.
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Old 07-30-2008, 10:19 AM
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maybe if you were honest/open with your wife, started attending aa out in the open, and then invited her to an open meeting? she might see a lot of herself and you in those meetings, and be able to help you in a different way? i'm just thinkin' the denial is holding it all back, that's all. hugs, and when is the baby expected? k

(as a loved one of an alcoholic, i learn a great deal of compassion and acceptance by attending open aa meetings.)
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