JoBloggs

I have been trying to detach from my AH over the last few weeks. It's working to some extent in that we haven't been fighting because I am not voicing any criticism of him and I keep myself away from him when he is drunk. But what do you do with all the anger and resentment you feel? I keep reminding myself to put my energy into something else, to focus on myself and my kids, but every now and then my mind goes into overdrive with anger and resentment - usually in the middle of the night. I hear him come home drunk, usually between 2am and 3am, and I lie awake wrestling with my anger while he goes to sleep happily in the spare bedroom. Aaaaargh! What a waste of time!

I just don't know where to go from here. Our home life is so set up for AH's lifestyle now. On his binge nights, several times a week, I put the kids to bed, go to bed myself, and lock him out of our side of the house with a big iron gate. He comes in and sleeps in the spare bedroom, which is up a separate staircase. So we kind of live side by side. It seems to me that life is just about perfect for him. He gets to drink and not be criticised, and participate in family things when he chooses to. Am I detaching correctly? I guess I should only be focusing on myself and not how it pans out for him, right?

I have had a few appointments with a counsellor who specialises in addiction. He has advised me to read Women Who Love Too Much, and work on some of the practical steps in it. Trouble is, I can't get hold of a copy at the moment. Anyone read it?

Thanks to you all - you are a lifeline!

bookwyrm

(((Jo)))

This is a tough one. It took me months to finally let go of most of my anger and resentment. It was a slow and gradual thing. I took to focus off of my AH and put it squarely on me. I ignored his drinking and tried to do things that made ME happy. Sometimes, though, the anger is the only thing that keeps me going!

Knowledge is power though. I found out more about alcoholism by reading the posts here, reading on line and reading the book Under the Influence. It has helped me move from anger to understanding.

I don't condone my AH's behaviour but I get where it is coming from. It isn't an excuse for it. Alcoholism is a disease and my AH has it. Just like any other disease, there is a treatment for it but my AH isn't interested in working at it. He has a choice to take that first drink of the day, knowing that, as an alcoholic, he can't stop himself taking more than just one. He has chosen to have that first drink every day for many, many months. He isn't ready to quit - the disease hasn't affected him badly enough yet to make him want to. Which is one of the reasons I have to leave.

Hopefully someone out there will be able to help you better!

Mair

Good advice Bookwyrm

Detaching is hard, some people can do it and some simply cant. When i detached from my A i thought that it would change him. WRONG. didnt work. Nobody can change him.

I read codependant no more, and found that detaching is for ME to make me feel better and to make changes in ME, not my A. it takes time my friend but you will benefit from it without having so much resentment and anger. For me it was a step forward, it made me stronger so that when it was time to go, i was better prepared.

Mair

Barbara52

That sounds like detachment (minus your anger and resentment but that's a separate issues). From my understanding, detachment is trying to live as though his actions and behaviors do not cause you to react and fall into the drama. I think in your case, it is resulting in him enjoying his alcoholic world. That is his right. Only he can choose when or whether he wants to fight the alcoholism. You can go on about your life, trying to find ways to make it better for you. Sounds like that's what you are doing.Don't expect it to change him and his behavior.

Now it may be that as time goes on you will decide that detaching isn't enough for you, that you need to do something more, something different.

I could not live with my xAH. I didn't know about detachment before I left but it would not have worked for me. I knew that what I needed to do was get out of the marriage becasue it could not be saved.

I also could not work through my anger and resentment until after I had left. I had to be away from the source of my turmoil to be able to see it clearly, to be able to work through my issues, and to be able to forgive xAH, which for me was a necessary part of dealing with the anger and resentment.

JoBloggs

Thanks Bookwyrm and Mair - I can see that it's going to take time to dissolve the anger and resentment that have been building up for more than a decade. I guess I am being impatient, but detaching is making things more bearable for me too... one day at a time...

Thanks Barbara52 - I know what you mean. At times I feel as if I am ready to go, but I also feel that's because I am trying to avoid working through my stuff, trying to just skip to the next stage and blame it all on AH. I got a copy of the book Women Who Love Too Much yesterday and read half of it in bed last night. There is so much in there that relates to me and I realize I have got so much work to do on myself! So glad to be on that path though...

Barbara52

JoBloggs, I've been gone a year and still have lots of work to do on me. A good thing in so many ways since I know its going to result, has resulted in many ways, in me be more the person I am meant to be. For me I could not have worked on myself to the extent I have if I had stayed with xAH. I mean part of what I needed to work on was figuring out why I allowed myself to be used by him and that would have been hard if I stayed and continued to let him use me. In many ways I guess my finally admitting to myself that I did feel used was one of the things that led me to leave.