tryingtofly

I've been down a lot lately and I think it's because I don't have any friends. Well I should really say none, just none that I can pick up the phone and say "hey, lets go for coffee tonite". I have work friends and family friends and university friends, but none that invite me out outside of that environment. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I think part of the reason is whenever we went out to a bar or something it ended up in me and RAH fighting (when he was still drinking, obviously we havent been since) or I just didn't want to hear them say that he's an alcoholic.
So now how do I find friends? I've tried doing things on my own that interest me (ie:cemetary tours) but those are all attended by people that are in a couple or with friends and aren't looking to make new ones.
I just feel so left out again. I felt that way when RAH was drinking because I don't really drink, now I feel that way cause he goes to his meetings three times a week, then out for coffee afterwards and for wings and coffee one night a week. So he sees friends four nights a week (sometimes more), and when I ask if he wants to go for coffee with our mutual friends (cause the women won't go without the men) he just wants to stay home. When the only thing I've seen is home and work for a week.
Well that's it for my little pity party of one.

starflier

Just a suggestion, with no personal experience to back me up, but have you tried AlaNon? I'd guess there are other people there who are in the same situation.

tryingtofly

I have been thinking of trying alanon again, but I would love to have friends that aren't a result of RAH's drinking/sobriety. Right now all our plans and outings revolve around his sobriety and when his meetings are, I don't want my friends to be from that too....does that make sense?
I think I'm havin a hard time right now too cause my dog's classes have ended and don't start up again until Sept. I still work with him on my own, but there's no social aspect to it.

ANGELINA243

Do you attend church or have any other hobbies/interests where you might meet someone--library (book club) or something? Just curious...

katie44

Have you thought about volunteering, wonderful way to meet people and give back to the community, or taking some courses at a local school that interest you. Sorry to ask what are cemetary tours?

bookwyrm

Just a wee scary thought...have you tried asking them out for coffee??

Silverberry1331

I know exactly how you feel.

I have limited interaction with my friends because of all the same reasons. Mostly though, I tend to feel like I am on the outside of what is "normal" looking in...like I only have some visitor's pass. I think all the suggestions given here are a good start...I might add taking a class. You don't have to be a degree seeker...there are life-long learning classes for just about any interest...not to mention tons of activities that go with it. Either way, put yourself out there. Sounds like you are a beautiful person. You will make the connections in time. Tons of hugs! Keep us posted!

tryingtofly

I did have my dog training class, but it's over until September. And even there, it was four other couples and me. Other than that, I do more 'alone' hobbies (Jewelery making, cross-stich, sewing etc)

tryingtofly

I run Youth Dances once a month at a community centre and RAH and I are both on the board of directors there, however other than us (in our 20's) the next youngest person there is in her late 50's lol.
A local geneologist did tours of the local cemetaries explaining who some of the people are, and the stories behind them as well as explaining the different types of headstones and what they meant. It was so interesting, but they're over now

tryingtofly

Yup, I was hanging out for a bit with one of my friends from school, even set her up with my cousin (they're now living together), but as soon as school was over and she didn't need rides or notes anymore she was always busy. Everyone else seems to be in this really tight circle of friends and don't want/need anymore.

tryingtofly

I know what you mean about the visitor's pass!! I feel like I don't quite belong with them.
I am actually a degree-seeker right now I have one year left until I graduate! (yippeee!)
Unfortunately a lot of the courses where I live don't run in the summer (I'm in a smaller city) and most of them cost $200+
I do think I need to get out there more, it's just so scary cause everytime I do I hear RAH's words when he drank "No wonder you don't have any friends, you're (insert random insult here)" I think after hearing it for so long, I'm starting to believe it.

Silverberry1331

It is so easy to allow ourselves to believe the horrible things that are said in the heat of a drunken moment. Try not to remember the awful statement...perhaps you can focus on what is said around the moment. Were you trying to hold him accountable? Was the focus on him and his drinking? I find that alot of things that my AH says (sober or not) can be put in perspective if I put it into context. Alot of "what I am" comes from his attempt to take the focus off himself and his accountability. "You're too controlling." "You don't listen." " You're a *%#@!" These are all said in these moments. It is a part of the disease, I think. Don't relive those messages. Instead focus on what you know to be true...you are a good person. You are intelligent...you are interesting...and you have alot to offer. Get out there! :ghug3

Tazman53

tryingtofly I am a recovering alcoholic, my wife feels the same pains you do, but far less today then in my early sobriety.

You have not said how long he has been sober, but I am assuming that he is fairly early in recovery and if that is so, you have some recovering to do your self.

What I found in AA was a fellowship of people who I can totally relate to, we have been on the sinking ship of alcoholism together, now we are in a life boat together, helping each other pull the oars to a common solution. We will never fully reach our destination until we pass on to the other side sober.

From friends I have in Alanon and here it is much the same. Alanon combined with open AA meetings could very well help you with the friend issue.

Think about it, the friends you have in school you have because you all have a common bond, the same at work.

Why not hope into that Alanon life boat and grab an oar?

BTW for the first 6 months or so of my sobriety I rarely went a single day without a meeting, many days I went to 2 meetings or was meeting with my sponsorworking the steps. I have been sober almost 2 years now, I reguarly go to 3 meetings a week, sometimes 4, but my wife, family and I now spend quality time together.

It sounds as though he is really working on his recovery, I bet he would love for you to work on yours as well. Discussing recovery is a great topic of conversation, for an alcoholic it is a matter of life and death, for you all it can be as well.

kristenv

I enjoy reading alot it helps to escape reality. Maybe you could join a book club or start one of your own? Or check out craigslist, alot of times they have social meetup groups. I have been where you are now, just try to branch out, put yourself in different situations that you may not normally do. It will get better
xoxo

Angelus

Taking a class is always great, something you're interested in, something constructive with like-minded people

Lilyflower

Good rule of thumb for having friends, is to keep your circle wide! just hanging out with one person leaves you open to being alone again if they move on.

Everyone always needs friends! They just know each other better than they know you, because they probably all commit to seeing each other regulary, suggest meeting up, inviting one another over for a meal, and they probably have shared their lives with one another.

Don't be discouraged, keep trying, and keep making suggestions to people to meet up, invite them out etc. Try initiating with others at work, uni etc. People are usually responsive. Don't place all your eggs in one basket, try people on for size and see how they fit!

lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx