next step-what did you do??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
next step-what did you do??
I am very scared and feel helpless---
my ah is using again, and i havent confronted him because im scared and what good would it do if he is just going to deny it--but i need to confront him because i want him to know i know and also i want to tell him that i cannot go on like this...that this is not a marriage, i am very, very unhappy, and that he needs to get some serious help.....i dont veen think i should give him that much--i think i should just say im done, it's over, and thats it...
im just too scared....
Im scared of what will hapen next, im scared to face the uncertainty of it all, im scared he will right away cut off all means of financial support, im scared that he wont leave the house.....im scared to go through a divorce...he gave me a taste of what it will be like last year, and i know that he willnot make it easy for me.....He is a bully whenever he is confronted and is very very defensive. He simply cannot and will not look at himself and take responsiblity for what he has done and continues to do to himself and this family.
I need strength...i have none...i have never felt strong in my entire life..
Please, if anyone has been through this and has any advise as to what i need to do, or what i should plan for, or if you have read any boooks that have made you stronger, or anything that you have done to get you to the point where you have had enough, and you let him know it....and also what happened next andhow you dealt with it.....
I have been dealing with this for almost three years now, although hes been using for longer than that, and i still feel like i havent gotten any stronger.
thanks for your help........drained
my ah is using again, and i havent confronted him because im scared and what good would it do if he is just going to deny it--but i need to confront him because i want him to know i know and also i want to tell him that i cannot go on like this...that this is not a marriage, i am very, very unhappy, and that he needs to get some serious help.....i dont veen think i should give him that much--i think i should just say im done, it's over, and thats it...
im just too scared....
Im scared of what will hapen next, im scared to face the uncertainty of it all, im scared he will right away cut off all means of financial support, im scared that he wont leave the house.....im scared to go through a divorce...he gave me a taste of what it will be like last year, and i know that he willnot make it easy for me.....He is a bully whenever he is confronted and is very very defensive. He simply cannot and will not look at himself and take responsiblity for what he has done and continues to do to himself and this family.
I need strength...i have none...i have never felt strong in my entire life..
Please, if anyone has been through this and has any advise as to what i need to do, or what i should plan for, or if you have read any boooks that have made you stronger, or anything that you have done to get you to the point where you have had enough, and you let him know it....and also what happened next andhow you dealt with it.....
I have been dealing with this for almost three years now, although hes been using for longer than that, and i still feel like i havent gotten any stronger.
thanks for your help........drained
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Drained,
I was in a bad situation once that I couldn't get out of immediately.
Confronting him in the past hasn't done any good. You know what you know, and why cue him off. You have seen how that plays out.
Laugh, go ahead, but my very first start was to hide a $5 bill in my shoe. He controlled all the money.
Document everything, but be very cautious about it and store it offsite, if possible.
You can become strong enough, one step at a time.
What are some ideas you have that you could do?
I was in a bad situation once that I couldn't get out of immediately.
Confronting him in the past hasn't done any good. You know what you know, and why cue him off. You have seen how that plays out.
Laugh, go ahead, but my very first start was to hide a $5 bill in my shoe. He controlled all the money.
Document everything, but be very cautious about it and store it offsite, if possible.
You can become strong enough, one step at a time.
What are some ideas you have that you could do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
(((Drained))) ...... It sounds as though you just might have reached your bottom..... you sound "drained".
What helped me be strong was music. Music "spoke" to me and I found strength in hearing other success stories of feeling like a strong goddess like woman at the end of it all. I also started thinking in a way of being a strong woman. For example, there is this painting of a woman, with her head held high, picking flowers through a field, and looking so confident and content - I moved it around in the house for my benefit. One time I had it above the bed, but this was when I had moved out. Another time I had it at the end of the stair well and looked at it every time I came down the stairs... and got in "her shoes" ... she symbolizes me!!!
But the driving force was working out what my finances would be on my own, which meant me moving because I didn't even want the argument of him being the one to move. I did bring it up, of course, but wasn't bothered to even argue about it. And after I figured out the least I needed to make in order to get by....... I moved home with my parents, got my name off the lease, and kept my bills paid. I just did it....
And when I got sad, I listened to musician's lyrics to songs and music literally saved me. It is better... and it is worth it. You have your life to live and the way it is now, is not how it has to be. This is your life ~ your choice. The decision for you to choose "YOU".... is something to be proud of and to reach and then teach enlightenment!
xoxoxoxo
What helped me be strong was music. Music "spoke" to me and I found strength in hearing other success stories of feeling like a strong goddess like woman at the end of it all. I also started thinking in a way of being a strong woman. For example, there is this painting of a woman, with her head held high, picking flowers through a field, and looking so confident and content - I moved it around in the house for my benefit. One time I had it above the bed, but this was when I had moved out. Another time I had it at the end of the stair well and looked at it every time I came down the stairs... and got in "her shoes" ... she symbolizes me!!!
But the driving force was working out what my finances would be on my own, which meant me moving because I didn't even want the argument of him being the one to move. I did bring it up, of course, but wasn't bothered to even argue about it. And after I figured out the least I needed to make in order to get by....... I moved home with my parents, got my name off the lease, and kept my bills paid. I just did it....
And when I got sad, I listened to musician's lyrics to songs and music literally saved me. It is better... and it is worth it. You have your life to live and the way it is now, is not how it has to be. This is your life ~ your choice. The decision for you to choose "YOU".... is something to be proud of and to reach and then teach enlightenment!
xoxoxoxo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 16
Hi Drained,
I havent been here on this forum for 3 years because I did leave my AH.
I couldnt afford a computer or internet until now. but i remember feeling EXACTLY that way. Let me tell you how it turned out. Im better off financially, emotionally and for the 1st time in years im truely happy. I can't tell u what to do but I can tell u what my experience was and YES it was scarey and Yes I had horrible days but... my worst day without him is better than my best day with him. I left with nothing me and my kids and the clothes on our backs and in my work van with no where to go. My experience is God or the universe or whomever you believe in will always provide. It may not always be what you want but what you need will be provided someway somehow. Good luck and ul be in my prayers and thoughts...
I havent been here on this forum for 3 years because I did leave my AH.
I couldnt afford a computer or internet until now. but i remember feeling EXACTLY that way. Let me tell you how it turned out. Im better off financially, emotionally and for the 1st time in years im truely happy. I can't tell u what to do but I can tell u what my experience was and YES it was scarey and Yes I had horrible days but... my worst day without him is better than my best day with him. I left with nothing me and my kids and the clothes on our backs and in my work van with no where to go. My experience is God or the universe or whomever you believe in will always provide. It may not always be what you want but what you need will be provided someway somehow. Good luck and ul be in my prayers and thoughts...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Strength and support coming your way. It's never easy. Of course it isn't, but it is in you. You do have the strength within yourself, you just have to tap into it, I'm sure of it. We all have it, we all have the ability to look after ourselves. Just because you haven't felt strong in your life doesn't mean you're not! You are. You are anything and everything you need! Believe in YOU!
(((hugs))) to you!
(((hugs))) to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Drained- good questions, wish I could answer them without writing a book.
Live had some great input- and nope I can smile with the $5- but not laugh, certainly not at you, live..
Drained- I bet you are stronger than you think, you've lived with an addict for years- that's not for the weak!! Sure you're tired and overwhelmed right now, scared. Fear can be exhausting.
I don't know, but I doubt I would call him on the using, right now. You're tired and not feeling strong. As you said he will just deny it anyway. Honesty with people who are not honest, is not always a good thing.
These were some of the recommendations given to me.
Have a bag in your home, garage- that you can grab quickly if needed. In it have the necessities.
In a seperate place away from home- have a copy of all your keys. A copy of your birth certificate, social security card and your childrens. License/passport. Credit cards, marriage certificate- titles to homes, cars.
Financial fears- we can work on that- for now try to get the best nights sleep you can.
Take care!
(edited to add- was interrupted during post- lots of other great experience and ideas after Live's)
Live had some great input- and nope I can smile with the $5- but not laugh, certainly not at you, live..
Drained- I bet you are stronger than you think, you've lived with an addict for years- that's not for the weak!! Sure you're tired and overwhelmed right now, scared. Fear can be exhausting.
I don't know, but I doubt I would call him on the using, right now. You're tired and not feeling strong. As you said he will just deny it anyway. Honesty with people who are not honest, is not always a good thing.
These were some of the recommendations given to me.
Have a bag in your home, garage- that you can grab quickly if needed. In it have the necessities.
In a seperate place away from home- have a copy of all your keys. A copy of your birth certificate, social security card and your childrens. License/passport. Credit cards, marriage certificate- titles to homes, cars.
Financial fears- we can work on that- for now try to get the best nights sleep you can.
Take care!
(edited to add- was interrupted during post- lots of other great experience and ideas after Live's)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Drained,
I am sorry to here you in so much pain. I too went through much of what you are going through. Felt like a revolving door. I to was so afraid of the future and how I would ever make it on my own with 2 sons, but at the sametime I was afraid of the future with him. I can't say as I had any plan that I stuck to. Life just unfolded infront of me and I had to deal with at that time. Had I really had control over it all I was trying to save my marriage and cure my husband, but thats not what a higher power had in store for me. I was left alone with the boys and terrified, I had to make some real tough choices to survive. You to have it in you, nobody has any right to have such control over us, making our lives a living nightmare. Never believe that you don't have strengh...you do!
Follow your heart and make it right for you!
Rose
I am sorry to here you in so much pain. I too went through much of what you are going through. Felt like a revolving door. I to was so afraid of the future and how I would ever make it on my own with 2 sons, but at the sametime I was afraid of the future with him. I can't say as I had any plan that I stuck to. Life just unfolded infront of me and I had to deal with at that time. Had I really had control over it all I was trying to save my marriage and cure my husband, but thats not what a higher power had in store for me. I was left alone with the boys and terrified, I had to make some real tough choices to survive. You to have it in you, nobody has any right to have such control over us, making our lives a living nightmare. Never believe that you don't have strengh...you do!
Follow your heart and make it right for you!
Rose
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey drained--
(((hugs))) and sorry for this painful aggravating time.
With a nod to starflier who posted this at F&F of alcoholics - check out her post and the link she posted about 10 steps to leaving your partner-
Baby steps and one day at a time and you WILL make great strides. Once you make a a plan and stick to it no matter what you can set yourself free step by step.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html
Sending you prayers and a shot of courage!
Peace,
B.
(((hugs))) and sorry for this painful aggravating time.
With a nod to starflier who posted this at F&F of alcoholics - check out her post and the link she posted about 10 steps to leaving your partner-
Baby steps and one day at a time and you WILL make great strides. Once you make a a plan and stick to it no matter what you can set yourself free step by step.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html
Sending you prayers and a shot of courage!
Peace,
B.
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