mikeb

Ok guys, time for some self confession and also some "purging" of my inner most thoughts so I can get some direction....

My RAW has now been sober 5 months, this is her third time and for those who might have read anything previously this is us back together after she filled for divorce this last time.

Ok so again, I am back in a place with my wife that she has checked out emotional from our marriage....In her eyes its because we fight all the time, I have issue and trust problems not so much with her recovery as I delt with those early on but just in that the right choices are being made. Money being spent where it shouldnt me dealing with lies and hurt from the past.

I have been trying to adjust to her working, stopping working, deciding to go to school quitting that now going back to work and trying to stick with that. I finally after a month of her just fighting anything I suggested, her going emotionally completely unavailable no matter how much she tries just cant seem to find the way back I again am left back at a point where im a full blown codie again.

I mean she says thank you when i say love you knife in stomach, she doesnt really want to have any conversations with me sure as heck cant hug her without maybe a pat on the back.....

IT DRIVES ME CRAZY

Want to know the most ironic part, im watching myself repeat my same habits from the past and I cant figure a way to stop it....I cant find a way to just be like you know she isnt here emotionally but im still ok, I get back to trying to show her why shes feeling this way...me looking to do whatever I can to make her happy, doing things for "rewards" as I call it.

But what Am i doing for MYSELF to better MYSELF, things started off great because I was working on breaking my codependence 7 months seperated will do that. 5 months back together im clawing at my skin because I cant figure out why she wont love me, why she wont understand why if she does this or that it triggers bad emotions with me and hurts me.

Now I can truley say Im so scared she is about to divorce me again im PUSHING her out cause I hurt so bad, cause the anxiety, and dissapointment, the hurt wont stop...and who do I keep looking to to FIX me well her of course and who can FIX me...well only ME...

WHERE DO I START....is this something for alanon, is this something for ACOA is this something only a personal therpist can handle.....

We are in marriage counsling, but its not doing much good because well we are both stuck in this deep rut of her being emotionally checked out, and me being so scared and hurt im most likely pushing her away even further....

Open to advice, thought about trying ALANON ive been to a few CODA meetings but just cant get into them for somereason......

:codiepolice

IPT

I don't know that I have much advice, but I can certainly feel your pain. I am struggling with the idea of letting go of a g/f that just does not seem to be available to me. It's weird how we look for external validation to make us feel good. Yet (and I am new here so i could be wrong) doesn't that happen to some extent in a relationship?

It's hard to reach out and not get a response. I don't know which one of the places you mentioned would be best, but it seems like any of them could help. Hopefully someone with more experience than me will come along soon and point you in a more definitive direction.

lizw

Try a few Al Anon meetings and next time you go back to CODA, try sharing about what's happening for you like you did here. I don't know what it is but when I hear myself talking, it really effects me.

And as a co dependent, myself, I don't think one can ever become 'un co dependent'. It is an illness I will always have, just like I am an alcoholic. I think more and more I can begin taking action so I can become independent, but the cody stuff will probably always be there. I think recovery is about creating a good life for myself, inspite of it.

SistersHelp

Mike... is it too blunt to suggest going to individual counselling instead of marriage counselling? I so completely understand your desire to fix things and make someone you love get better... and my experience with that behaviour is that it goes nowhere other than frustration and guilt and resentment. I think the best thing you can do is learn how to take good care of yourself... hard work, but worthwhile.

ladyamalthea

((Mike))

I agree with Sisters. Maybe individual counseling would help you to get past your fears... if she decides to go to individual counseling as well, then great. If not, then one of the biggest things in overcoming codependancy is remembering that you can only work on you, not anyone else.

If your gut is telling you to try Alanon, why not give it a whirl? If you go several times and don't feel that it helped, at least you've been around others who are going through the same thing you are.

I wish I had more advice. You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

kidsandmemake3

(Hug to you, mikeb)

When love of self or a passion for a purpose greater than yourself (for example, children from the marriage) becomes greater than the need to stay

when your own self preservation starts to kick in

when you find that the expression of love from your addict spouse is too incomplete for your own survival and needs

than the scale tipps... the disease becomes too burdensome for us to bear... and you must choose to live on without them or live dying with them (dramatic I know, but think about it... what really happens to us when we tie ourselves to a sinking ship...)

While it is so sad, so very sad... and your hurt is so very real... we cannot control the outcomes, dear friend, or adjust a marraige to our own desires. If the princess has turned into a frog, it is more important to realize she is a frog than to keep kissing her and hoping she will turn back into a princess.

May you be able to look deep into your soul and find the courage that lives there... then take up your courage and wear it like a coat of armour... may you seek and find clarity and peace.

GwenMarie30

I just want to say first that Im sorry for your pain. It is very real and what another poster said is very true. I went thru the very same things your wife is going thru and I will get back to you in a private message to give you some insight on what it was for me. But 1st I need to think about what I want to say to get it right.

GwenMarie30

But I really commend you in coming here to express your self and look for answers. Im sure others will be along to give you some support or answers you seek or maybe comfort in knowing what you are going thru.

Chino

Mike, years ago my husband and I went for marriage counseling. After talking with us for about 15 minutes, the therapist said I needed to start with individual counseling first. It was another 5 years before I finally did but it made all the difference in the world. We couldn't grow together until the scars from my past healed.

mikeb

Thank you all sooooooo much for your responses.....

The pain is real, the hurt is real, the fear is real but the difference that im beginning to see is that she isnt the one causing it shes just 1 part of a very very deep problem obviously.

Codependency, ACOA, controlling however you want to label it sitting there thinking to myself what is the reason for this playing a victim playing a role if I do have so much control as everyone says. If I AM the only one in charge of my life, my feelings who I am then why turn to everyone around me to validate who I AM.

Well, I feel its partially because I don't know how to control my feelings, or my emotions or fears because for so many years and years Ive rested those on someone else be it my AW, my friends, my Parents because of co dependence. Not being able to validate myself has allowed me to fall so deep in the rabbits hole that what I might think or feel about myself might actually be alot deeper than what I see.

Sure, my AW has a problem, she is SICK......Again I always hear no one can make you happy but you, no one can make you feel whole except you but again I turn to that person next to me all the time to complete and fill a hole that possibly I have.

Im not looking to her to Love me im looking to her to FIX me to validate me, to make me feel I am someone and that's what ive done through all of her relapses regardless of them being active or dry.

Now, today I sit here rereading my post and looking at everyone's response and I ask myself what has changed in ME, what Have I do to get better....Ever see the day an addict turns to them self and actually sees the path they have taken, the hurt they may have caused the pain that they themselves are in......That's me last night, that's me looking into a mirror at all the pain and hurt that I have and realizing that the only person that is causing that is myself, the only person that can fix that is myself.

I cant really tell you why last night was that night, I cant really tell you if I fully understand it right now I know the right things to say(ive become good at that over the years), I think I know what the right things to do are and even if I don't fully see why I feel just a slight lift of burden that has weighed me down for probably my whole life.

Last night I went to AlANON, Ive been before, ive listened to people, ive heard the stories I have ALOT of friends either in ALANON or AA so it isn't something new to me.

What is new to me is that last night, when I went I felt I belonged, I no longer felt that I was out of place, that this wasn't for me that this was for those people who want to play a victim because of there Addict. What I realized is this and I want everyone to read this carefully....

I AM SICK TOO###@@##

It does not mean that we are bad, it dosent mean that we are this or that it means that the family, the people around you, the ones that are involved can become just as sick as the addict can, in my case ironically I have known that my mother was an alcoholic when I was young and i vowed never to repeat these behaviors, to repeat this cycle. Sure I stayed away from becoming addicted to a substance but I still repeated the habits, the black and white nature, the extreme nature of this or that.

So for today everyone, I have to say that I went to bed last night exhausted, worn out tired, headache and feeling like I had been hit by a truck. My AW didnt give me a kiss goodnight, she didn't give me a hug but you know what I was still at peace with myself because I felt just a little bit better about myself. Just a little bit better about who I am and why I have arrived at that point, why I have been through this journey to hell and back over and over only to for once in my life realize that I AM IN CONTROL of it.

thank you all.....

mikeb

I have been in individual therapay before, for years matter a fact but it wasnt the right person as this was also my wifes therapist and the majority of what we worked on was overcomming my codependence and a bitch session about my wife and her addiction.....

I spoke with my marriage counslor yesterday, she is also a d&a counslor and she recommended me to someone in her practice thats seperate so that I can start working on letting go.....

Ironically, as they say there are no coincidences in alanon/aa last nights discussion at ALANON was called

LETTING GO

This has been my biggest and hardest thing to do, matter of fact I hold so many grudges and resentments not just toward my AW but things Im not fully aware of now its amazing I make it through a day....

Jody Hepler

I was as addicted to the addicts/alcoholics in my life as they were to their drugs/alcohol. That's the dance of addiction.

I had to do exactly what I was expecting them to do for their recovery - get a sponsor, go to lots of Alanon and open AA speaker meetings, work the steps with my sponsor, take suggestions, help others. The program of recovery is exactly the same. Took a lot of work on my part to do things differently. But what I was doing was making me miserable. And they were sober!

I had to find a life for myself - I had to get off their backs - I had to stop being so controlling and nosey and a know-it-all.

25 years later, I am still going to meetings. And through the steps and a program of recovery (and some professional counseling along the way), I truly am a different person. My kids like to say that you would have to set a bomb off underneath me to get me to react - and that's a huge compliment. for someone like I used to be.

It can be a great journey for you - just as she has to have her own. She'll make mistakes and so will you. But there is life after addiction.

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always get".

Give Alanon a chance - try it a different way. You too might like the 12 step way of life. I do.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

GwenMarie30

I just wanted to let you know I sent you that PM.

mikeb

Thank you gwen.....