Weekend Update with Reddmax
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
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Weekend Update with Reddmax
Terrible weekend as usual.
However, while painful, its not something I can change.
If possible, I would like some or all to chime in on a problem I'm facing. I'm seeing an attorney this afternoon, and I'm compiling a list of questions to ask. If you remember what you asked your attorneys when you interviewed them, it would be more than helpful.
Also, any support you could send my way would be great. I'm hurting as usual.
Redd
However, while painful, its not something I can change.
If possible, I would like some or all to chime in on a problem I'm facing. I'm seeing an attorney this afternoon, and I'm compiling a list of questions to ask. If you remember what you asked your attorneys when you interviewed them, it would be more than helpful.
Also, any support you could send my way would be great. I'm hurting as usual.
Redd
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Very sorry to hear you're hurting. Weekends are supposed to be a time for relaxing, doing enjoyable things, and recouping your energy for the coming week. I hope you get your life back quickly. Glad to hear you're going to see your attorney.
Wish I could help with the attorney questions. When I divorced my XH almost 20 years ago, I simply signed everything over to him and walked out. I was so done with his drama, I just let him have everything. DON'T DO THAT!
As you can see, that's about all the advice I have for you. Doubtless others can do better than that.
Wish I could help with the attorney questions. When I divorced my XH almost 20 years ago, I simply signed everything over to him and walked out. I was so done with his drama, I just let him have everything. DON'T DO THAT!
As you can see, that's about all the advice I have for you. Doubtless others can do better than that.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Have only toyed with idea myself, so don't have anything concrete. But I can tell you what I always do when in doubt.... google it. Just type in what you want to know: "how to hire an attorney" "choosing the right attorney". etc...... and I'll bet you'll get some good stuff.
I'm so sorry you're in pain and I can lend you support. I left here 18 months ago and went it alone and I learned how much the support here can't change my situation, but can certainly ease the lonliness and insanity that I've felt so often.
Here's to strength for your day! Hang in there.
I'm so sorry you're in pain and I can lend you support. I left here 18 months ago and went it alone and I learned how much the support here can't change my situation, but can certainly ease the lonliness and insanity that I've felt so often.
Here's to strength for your day! Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Redd,
What are some steps you can take that will make you feel better? Hanging out with her when you are committed to leaving her, knowing that she gets plastered every night, is not something you deserve right now. You have made the painful decision to leave her. So, you're already experiencing great drama in your own soul right now. Why let her continue to make it worse?
Your stuff needs to come out of the house for a couple of reasons. One, so she doesn't destroy it on a drunken binge, and Two, to help declutter the house for resale. Do you have a storage shed you can start taking stuff to? Or a friend or relative's place? Making progress by taking action will probably make you feel better. And then I'd just try to be gone on the weekends. Maybe get a hotel room for a Saturday night and check in early so you can maximize your stay and hang out by the pool with a book.
One night my DH got hammered. I took the kids and went to a hotel. Was really nice to just walk right out of that insanity and into the serenity of a nice pool. The kids were having a blast.
Curious, what is her stance right now? Begging you to stay or threatening to kick you out faster? Without kids, I'd think your divorce would be fairly easy. Attorney costs seem like they'd be the biggest factor. I hope you find an equitable attorney.
What are some steps you can take that will make you feel better? Hanging out with her when you are committed to leaving her, knowing that she gets plastered every night, is not something you deserve right now. You have made the painful decision to leave her. So, you're already experiencing great drama in your own soul right now. Why let her continue to make it worse?
Your stuff needs to come out of the house for a couple of reasons. One, so she doesn't destroy it on a drunken binge, and Two, to help declutter the house for resale. Do you have a storage shed you can start taking stuff to? Or a friend or relative's place? Making progress by taking action will probably make you feel better. And then I'd just try to be gone on the weekends. Maybe get a hotel room for a Saturday night and check in early so you can maximize your stay and hang out by the pool with a book.
One night my DH got hammered. I took the kids and went to a hotel. Was really nice to just walk right out of that insanity and into the serenity of a nice pool. The kids were having a blast.
Curious, what is her stance right now? Begging you to stay or threatening to kick you out faster? Without kids, I'd think your divorce would be fairly easy. Attorney costs seem like they'd be the biggest factor. I hope you find an equitable attorney.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Her stance is that she knows she has serious problems. She is wrestling with the shame of those problems. She says she doesn't want a divorce. She says she wants treatment, but she has all these conditions (out patient, no one knows, etc).
I am preparing for the proverbial rainy day. I still care for her, although it gets harder and harder each day to endure.
I have moved some stuff to a safe place. I can move other stuff, but its rather noticeable, and the sh*& will really hit the fan if I do that. I need to understand the legal consequences of what can happen. I need to make sure that no false charges can be made against me, as I work in a security conscious field. I need to understand the liability in the court case by moving out. So, I'm preparing for my rainy day.
I am preparing for the proverbial rainy day. I still care for her, although it gets harder and harder each day to endure.
I have moved some stuff to a safe place. I can move other stuff, but its rather noticeable, and the sh*& will really hit the fan if I do that. I need to understand the legal consequences of what can happen. I need to make sure that no false charges can be made against me, as I work in a security conscious field. I need to understand the liability in the court case by moving out. So, I'm preparing for my rainy day.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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How did it go? What did the attorney say? For me, I went with the first guy I spoke to. He was recommended by a friend, and it just felt right to me. Hope it works for you. At the very least that you get an idea of what you do and do not want in an attorney and some ideas about what is ahead of you for that rainy day.
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The attorney noted that my proposed settlement was too generous, and he would approach it in a gradual way. He seemed to be quite competent, and and aggressive. We discussed fault, which only applies to property division in Michigan. He did have a clever idea of keeping the receipts of how much alcohol is purchased in two weeks as indirect proof of a problem.
He also said that moving out had some disadvantages, but in my case, some advantages also. It reduces the chances of "drama" police and all that. The problem with moving out is that it reduces the access to documents, and things tend to disappear.
He also said that moving out had some disadvantages, but in my case, some advantages also. It reduces the chances of "drama" police and all that. The problem with moving out is that it reduces the access to documents, and things tend to disappear.
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Take the documents with you when you leave or move them out before you leave. Simple solution. I took every piece of paper I even remotely thought might be relevant in my divorce. Not a difficult thing to do. Heck if you have a trusted friend take the papers over there. Or rent a space to put them. This doesn't have to be a problem unless you let it be one.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
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You are doing the right thing for you. I wish you luck and happiness in this very difficult time. I know some people think it is so easy that you just make the decision and move forward, but there are human feelings involved. Yes you are doing the right thing, but your heart still aches. One thing at a time - and eventually all will be ok.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
She drinks wine and then passes out, right? Stack up the bottles she drank that night and take a picture every single day, with a newspaper in the background for th date, or perhaps your camera dates the pictures. My AH uses cash always in his purchases. But if yours doesn't, you can easily get her debits online through your bank and print those out.
Also, if you need some sort of police proof, wonder if it would benefit you to call the police yourself for a domestic disturbance when she's becoming out of control while drunk. A night in the clink might make her think twice. And it will give you police documented proof of her problem. Make the call anonymous. She can't prove it was you. Say someone must have heard her from outside. Or, if that's not possible, admit it was you. Tell her you were afraid she was going to shoot you with one of her own guns, or crash glass at you or whatever she has a history of doing.
Also, if you need some sort of police proof, wonder if it would benefit you to call the police yourself for a domestic disturbance when she's becoming out of control while drunk. A night in the clink might make her think twice. And it will give you police documented proof of her problem. Make the call anonymous. She can't prove it was you. Say someone must have heard her from outside. Or, if that's not possible, admit it was you. Tell her you were afraid she was going to shoot you with one of her own guns, or crash glass at you or whatever she has a history of doing.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Originally Posted by Reddmax 
The attorney noted that my proposed settlement was too generous, and he would approach it in a gradual way. He seemed to be quite competent, and and aggressive. We discussed fault, which only applies to property division in Michigan. He did have a clever idea of keeping the receipts of how much alcohol is purchased in two weeks as indirect proof of a problem.
He also said that moving out had some disadvantages, but in my case, some advantages also. It reduces the chances of "drama" police and all that. The problem with moving out is that it reduces the access to documents, and things tend to disappear.
He also said that moving out had some disadvantages, but in my case, some advantages also. It reduces the chances of "drama" police and all that. The problem with moving out is that it reduces the access to documents, and things tend to disappear.
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I talked to a Lawyer two years before I filed for divorce. I wanted to get a better idea of what my liability risk was and what a fair separation agreement would look like for our specific situation. Basically a fact finding mission to help me make some of the tough decisions I was facing. I had no plans to actually file when I started this way back when.
Then in two years time my ex went through two rehabs, totaled two cars, lost her children and got a DUI before I actually filed for divorce. Your wife might very well decide to check into rehab and make a go at sobriety, you never know. But I think you're smart to get an education on the domestic laws in your state and take steps to protect yourself, just in case.
Then in two years time my ex went through two rehabs, totaled two cars, lost her children and got a DUI before I actually filed for divorce. Your wife might very well decide to check into rehab and make a go at sobriety, you never know. But I think you're smart to get an education on the domestic laws in your state and take steps to protect yourself, just in case.
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Originally Posted by Jazzman
Your wife might very well decide to check into rehab and make a go at sobriety, you never know. But I think you're smart to get an education on the domestic laws in your state and take steps to protect yourself, just in case.
Educating oneself is so empowering. I'm so glad your attorney advised you against giving up on what is rightly yours. I've known people who've done this in the past as well. They give up more than enough just to be done with it all. And many regret it. He sounds like a good one to me.
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The funny thing is in our conversation is that she says this " I want you to support me with my problem, but I don't want to live in it everyday. I'm sick of your psychoanalysis, and you're not going to fit me into a mold. I have to do this in my own way, and in my own time. You're not going to force me into anything".
so I said, okay, we're not talking about it any more, at all. She's going to do what she's going to do.
so I said, okay, we're not talking about it any more, at all. She's going to do what she's going to do.
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