So....AH signed up himself for a 28 day rehab...
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Join Date: May 2008
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So....AH signed up himself for a 28 day rehab...
he's to go next week - but I'm afraid it's too late for me. If any of you know my story, any words of wisdom? He's been almost the devil himself with all the stuff he's done to me. My fear is that even if he DOES get right, I"ll ALWAYS be waiting for the other foot to drop. If history repeats itsself it ALWAYS does - I'll be dealing with addiction for many years to come. We've been talking about filing for d this week or next. I almost feel the ball and chain to yet again give "another shot" or to "believe in him or trust in him yet again." I feel like I've wasted so many years on him - I just don't want to be asked to risk more. I just want to live a happy and "right life." Just so sick of all of this BS. I'm proud of him, but WTH couldn't he have done this like 6 years ago before everything that addiction led him too??
This is a very good rehab, #1 in our state, but I just want to be done. I've believed for so long - I just don't want to have hope anymore for him because he ALWAYS fails me. I just want to move on without the guilt. I also know that these long term rehabs can be great, but are they REALLY that lifechanging or will I always have to be watching out for addiction with him.
They do have a family program - which I will go too, (Sundays from 9-5 ... I would NEVER take my kids (7 yo twins because I hope they NEVER Know about their dad's addiction)) but I just don't want to have hope for him anymore only to be let down.
Any words of wisdom??? I just want to be happy - without all of this bs. It truely would take a miracle for me to ever view him as a husband - ever again if I ever did in the first place.
This is a very good rehab, #1 in our state, but I just want to be done. I've believed for so long - I just don't want to have hope anymore for him because he ALWAYS fails me. I just want to move on without the guilt. I also know that these long term rehabs can be great, but are they REALLY that lifechanging or will I always have to be watching out for addiction with him.
They do have a family program - which I will go too, (Sundays from 9-5 ... I would NEVER take my kids (7 yo twins because I hope they NEVER Know about their dad's addiction)) but I just don't want to have hope for him anymore only to be let down.
Any words of wisdom??? I just want to be happy - without all of this bs. It truely would take a miracle for me to ever view him as a husband - ever again if I ever did in the first place.
Last edited by Callie; 07-26-2008 at 08:41 PM.
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(((Callie)))
Time. Give yourself time. While he's in rehab, you'll have time to see how it feels and decide what you need to do for your own future.
I know that's not an answer really, but I do think it will be true for you. Given time and space, to be able to focus on YOU, I think the right answer will show itself. You're right, you should be able to do what you need to do without the guilt, and you can. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
My only words of wisdom is, take the time while he's in rehab to really search for yourself what is truly going to make you happy for the future and what you can live with. Life is short, we all have the right to be happy and peaceful.
Sending you support and strength with lots of hugs!
Time. Give yourself time. While he's in rehab, you'll have time to see how it feels and decide what you need to do for your own future.
I know that's not an answer really, but I do think it will be true for you. Given time and space, to be able to focus on YOU, I think the right answer will show itself. You're right, you should be able to do what you need to do without the guilt, and you can. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
My only words of wisdom is, take the time while he's in rehab to really search for yourself what is truly going to make you happy for the future and what you can live with. Life is short, we all have the right to be happy and peaceful.
Sending you support and strength with lots of hugs!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Callie, If you are done you are done. You have given this relationship 21 yrs of your life, you don't owe it anymore. I don't know the whole story but I did read your 1st post to the group. You have picked up the pieces from his screw-ups for long enough. You are only human. There is no guarantees with anything in life but as Dr Phil says the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.
How long is this long term rehab? You 1st said he is going for 28 days................that is not long term to me.
At the least you have 28days away from him to do some thinking.
How long is this long term rehab? You 1st said he is going for 28 days................that is not long term to me.
At the least you have 28days away from him to do some thinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Callie))
I'm glad he's going to rehab (for him), but if it's "too little, too late" for you, then that's OKAY!!!
You have been through he!! lately, and it's okay to say "I've had enough!!!" You can still support his recovery, if you want. You've been together for a long time, have kids and if my XABF were to go into recovery today, I would be his friend. I've told him that....we will never be together again, but I will be there for him AS A FRIEND if he wants recovery. I can say that, now, because I haven't even seen him in a year.
Just a word about the kids. You mentioned that AH's job fiasco was all over town. You may want to seriously think about talking to the kids (counselor would be a big help with this) because they may very well hear about it from someone else, and it would be a major confusion to them if they find out that way. They're young, but they're old enough to know SOMETHING is going on. My niece was only 3 years old but was putting Barbie "in jail" and she even told ME I had to go to jail one time (this was BEFORE my addiction, but she had been exposed by others). Can't remember what I did to go to jail (didn't give her a toy, or something) but when I explained that I had to go to work to be able to feed the cats, she said "okay, then we'll bond you out". Remember...she was 3!!!! Just keep it in mind, okay? It may be something as simple as saying he has an illness and he needs to get better.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad he's going to rehab (for him), but if it's "too little, too late" for you, then that's OKAY!!!
You have been through he!! lately, and it's okay to say "I've had enough!!!" You can still support his recovery, if you want. You've been together for a long time, have kids and if my XABF were to go into recovery today, I would be his friend. I've told him that....we will never be together again, but I will be there for him AS A FRIEND if he wants recovery. I can say that, now, because I haven't even seen him in a year.
Just a word about the kids. You mentioned that AH's job fiasco was all over town. You may want to seriously think about talking to the kids (counselor would be a big help with this) because they may very well hear about it from someone else, and it would be a major confusion to them if they find out that way. They're young, but they're old enough to know SOMETHING is going on. My niece was only 3 years old but was putting Barbie "in jail" and she even told ME I had to go to jail one time (this was BEFORE my addiction, but she had been exposed by others). Can't remember what I did to go to jail (didn't give her a toy, or something) but when I explained that I had to go to work to be able to feed the cats, she said "okay, then we'll bond you out". Remember...she was 3!!!! Just keep it in mind, okay? It may be something as simple as saying he has an illness and he needs to get better.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Callie,
Please forgive me if anything beyond this sentence comes out sounding harsh. I don't know much about your story, but I do know that your first priority has got to be those kids. I agree that maybe you should wait and see how things go while he's in rehab, but if it doesn't get better from there, you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving; IMO, I would feel guilty about staying around and keeping the kids exposed to the mess that addiction creates. You said that you don't want the kids to ever know about their father's addiction, but consider this:
1) Kids have a way of knowing that there's a problem. No matter how much we adults may try to put on a happy face, if we are feeling lousy because of stress, kids pick up on that, and they have a way of taking it personally, especially when they have not caused the stress. Even toddlers can pick up on things like this; are you sure your kids don't know that their dad is causing you a lot of grief?
2) Since addictions tend to run in families, are you sure you don't want them to EVER find out the truth? Knowing that their father has a problem with addiction could very well be the deterent they need one day to avoid behaviors that would get them hooked too.
I'm not saying that they should know the full story now, but maybe it wouldn't hurt for them to know that their dad is "sick"? After all, won't they ask questions about where he is when they don't see him for several days?
I have to agree with Amy. Please consider talking to a counselor about how to approach the kids with this; it may very well help to keep them from assuming even worse scenarios on their own, as kids do have wild imaginations.
Please forgive me if anything beyond this sentence comes out sounding harsh. I don't know much about your story, but I do know that your first priority has got to be those kids. I agree that maybe you should wait and see how things go while he's in rehab, but if it doesn't get better from there, you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving; IMO, I would feel guilty about staying around and keeping the kids exposed to the mess that addiction creates. You said that you don't want the kids to ever know about their father's addiction, but consider this:
1) Kids have a way of knowing that there's a problem. No matter how much we adults may try to put on a happy face, if we are feeling lousy because of stress, kids pick up on that, and they have a way of taking it personally, especially when they have not caused the stress. Even toddlers can pick up on things like this; are you sure your kids don't know that their dad is causing you a lot of grief?
2) Since addictions tend to run in families, are you sure you don't want them to EVER find out the truth? Knowing that their father has a problem with addiction could very well be the deterent they need one day to avoid behaviors that would get them hooked too.
I'm not saying that they should know the full story now, but maybe it wouldn't hurt for them to know that their dad is "sick"? After all, won't they ask questions about where he is when they don't see him for several days?
I have to agree with Amy. Please consider talking to a counselor about how to approach the kids with this; it may very well help to keep them from assuming even worse scenarios on their own, as kids do have wild imaginations.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Grants Pass, Oregon
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Callie,
Get a legal separation. You will still be married, but not responsible for his future financial wreckage. Then keep a copy in your car and a few in a desk at home. It will give you time to decide what to do.
Get a legal separation. You will still be married, but not responsible for his future financial wreckage. Then keep a copy in your car and a few in a desk at home. It will give you time to decide what to do.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
I completely understand where you're coming from.
Why should we spend the rest of our lives if they're ever going to use again? That's really no way to live IMO. They can claim that it will never happen again, but how many never do it again?
For me, the trust is completely gone.
Sue
Why should we spend the rest of our lives if they're ever going to use again? That's really no way to live IMO. They can claim that it will never happen again, but how many never do it again?
For me, the trust is completely gone.
Sue
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I understand your urge to "try it again. That is a decision only you can make. I am occilating on what to do myself and I have only a g/f with 3 years invested! The one thing I always felt, and still do feel is that I wouldn't feel guilty if I decided to leave after I did all that I could do. "Sad", yes, "guilty", no. It takes 2 to make it work. How many (millions) of chances should a person get anyway! You need to look out for you and the kids.
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"Sometimes doing nothing is a decision"
Your post sounds as if although you think you are done, you feel a little hesitant as well because he is reaching out for help. It's okay to wait, to listen for the quiet voice that speaks within you with certainty. You have time if you feel you need it - His time in rehab will get you away from the drama and allow you time to refocus and re-energize.
I know your intentions are good, very well menaing, to not want your children to know, but I believe that the kids know something isn't quite right but probably wonder if it is "wrong" to say anything (that's how I felt when well meaning adults "hid" my parent's alcoholism...There is no such thing as hiding it; I just thought I was a bad child to want to know what was wrong. I felt shame and guilt) I also believe that secrets like this continue to perpetuate the social stigma about diseases like addictions and mental illness. When we keep it secret; make it something bad, we make the person appear bad in the eyes of a child. And children grow up.
Hugs.
Your post sounds as if although you think you are done, you feel a little hesitant as well because he is reaching out for help. It's okay to wait, to listen for the quiet voice that speaks within you with certainty. You have time if you feel you need it - His time in rehab will get you away from the drama and allow you time to refocus and re-energize.
I know your intentions are good, very well menaing, to not want your children to know, but I believe that the kids know something isn't quite right but probably wonder if it is "wrong" to say anything (that's how I felt when well meaning adults "hid" my parent's alcoholism...There is no such thing as hiding it; I just thought I was a bad child to want to know what was wrong. I felt shame and guilt) I also believe that secrets like this continue to perpetuate the social stigma about diseases like addictions and mental illness. When we keep it secret; make it something bad, we make the person appear bad in the eyes of a child. And children grow up.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thanks all - I hate to be "lazy" and copy a post from SA, but I just don't have the energy right now to retype.....
Buzz -
Hope I don't get slammed for this, but I'll be brutally honest...
My dd came home from school last year (1st grade) she was talking about her friend Kristin. I am a room mother and very involved in school with the kids so I knew Kristin. DD was saying that Kristin lives with her mom and grandma. I said do her mom and dad not live together? She said, no her dad is in jail - because he was doing drugs. Immediately I thought (dd needs to not be around Kristin - but did not nor would not say that.) DD saw the look on my face and said but that doesn't make Kristin a bad person. I said no, it doesn't, Kristin is a good girl and a good friend to you. My GUT reaction was to protect dd. I immediately thought of dd and what if parents didn't want THEIR kids hanging around MY kids because of AH's choices? They know me as a person for the most part, but I just don't want that stigma attached to MY kids KWIM?
I'd also spoken intensively with child psychologists - for me to tell my kids that "daddy's sick and he needs to be by himself to get better" implies that I am leaving their daddy in a time of need. Like if he had a cold or the flu or whatever that I am shipping him off to get better on his own. We decided through counseling that our kids would be told for now that daddy has made some bad choices and he needs time to think about them. I'm also trying to teach them to THINK before they act.
Is this a wrong approach?? Maybe, but after talking with my family, with counselors etc... for me that's what I am doing for now. When they get older if daddy is still using then brutal honesty is the only way to go. Also at 7 years old, kids know no censorship. They are completely honest without hesitation. So it would be very likely that the entire soccer team would know that "my daddy moved out because he does drugs." I guess I view that as protection from the stigma of addiction. It's not their fault, they did not ask to be handed this plate - nor did I. Also, I know kids can be mean. Especially when they get older - I do not want that thrown in their face.
I don't know - hope that doesn't offend anyone here. I know it's a SA board, but in MY world drugs are NOT common. I don't want it to be for my kids either. Maybe when they get older and can process it things will change as far as what they know. At 7 years old the only thing they know about drugs is from the DARE program that the police officers present at school.
-------------------
Also, for those who asked - my AH is borderline nasty at times concerning d. Sometimes he is going to "take me to the cleaners" (not his words, but pretty much what he means) other times he's "going to leave everything I need." So their is quite a bit of volatility. He feels the walls closing in on him and he has not much support left. My family is 100% behind and even his family is. His own dad won't even speak to him right now because he's ashamed of the mess that AH has created and ashamed of the way he's treated me. I've tried to talk to AH's dad because I know Ah needs support. They may not agree with him, but I hope that they can support him.
Whomever mentioned a 28 day rehab is not a "long term". I agree, but it's longer than what he's ever had before. I guess my fear is that I will trust in him again, when I don't WANT to trust him again. I will 100% support his recovery etc. I will be there at the family meetings or what not, but I just don't want to believe in him anymore. KWIM? I care about him, I will always care about him. I will always be there for him, I'll always "love him". But I'm not sure we've ever really had a healthy type of love.
But then there is the other side that says "you've weathered the storm THIS long . . . What if you miss out on the rainbow? I DON"T want to miss out on the rainbow, but I don't want to be taken out by another bolt of lightening yet again when I'm in my 1000th "calm after the storm". KWIM? Just a very confusing time for me. I'm GLAD he's going to rehab, but I know the stats aren't good for permanent recovery forever. (BTW does anyone have the actual stats when it's pain pill addiction? oxy, methadone, percocet, darvocet, vicoden etc??) The chance that he'll NEVER use again isn't high given the time that he's abused drugs (in reality 10+ years off and on). AH does not know how to function in this life without them - is he going to learn that in 28 days?? Maybe so, but I said the same thing exactly 3 years ago when he told me he was addicted to oxy and needed help. He got help only to get addicted to methadone, got clean and then back on oxy, percocet. So in reality I've been in 3+ years of turmoil and chaos that I didn't have to go through had I left when I thought I should. He lied to me about that use for that long and I believed him for the most part) I stayed because what kind of woman would leave her husband in this dire time of need???? So because of that I've been screwed over and over and over again. All because I believed him, saw the good in him, saw his heart and who he "wanted" to be.
Buzz -
Hope I don't get slammed for this, but I'll be brutally honest...
My dd came home from school last year (1st grade) she was talking about her friend Kristin. I am a room mother and very involved in school with the kids so I knew Kristin. DD was saying that Kristin lives with her mom and grandma. I said do her mom and dad not live together? She said, no her dad is in jail - because he was doing drugs. Immediately I thought (dd needs to not be around Kristin - but did not nor would not say that.) DD saw the look on my face and said but that doesn't make Kristin a bad person. I said no, it doesn't, Kristin is a good girl and a good friend to you. My GUT reaction was to protect dd. I immediately thought of dd and what if parents didn't want THEIR kids hanging around MY kids because of AH's choices? They know me as a person for the most part, but I just don't want that stigma attached to MY kids KWIM?
I'd also spoken intensively with child psychologists - for me to tell my kids that "daddy's sick and he needs to be by himself to get better" implies that I am leaving their daddy in a time of need. Like if he had a cold or the flu or whatever that I am shipping him off to get better on his own. We decided through counseling that our kids would be told for now that daddy has made some bad choices and he needs time to think about them. I'm also trying to teach them to THINK before they act.
Is this a wrong approach?? Maybe, but after talking with my family, with counselors etc... for me that's what I am doing for now. When they get older if daddy is still using then brutal honesty is the only way to go. Also at 7 years old, kids know no censorship. They are completely honest without hesitation. So it would be very likely that the entire soccer team would know that "my daddy moved out because he does drugs." I guess I view that as protection from the stigma of addiction. It's not their fault, they did not ask to be handed this plate - nor did I. Also, I know kids can be mean. Especially when they get older - I do not want that thrown in their face.
I don't know - hope that doesn't offend anyone here. I know it's a SA board, but in MY world drugs are NOT common. I don't want it to be for my kids either. Maybe when they get older and can process it things will change as far as what they know. At 7 years old the only thing they know about drugs is from the DARE program that the police officers present at school.
-------------------
Also, for those who asked - my AH is borderline nasty at times concerning d. Sometimes he is going to "take me to the cleaners" (not his words, but pretty much what he means) other times he's "going to leave everything I need." So their is quite a bit of volatility. He feels the walls closing in on him and he has not much support left. My family is 100% behind and even his family is. His own dad won't even speak to him right now because he's ashamed of the mess that AH has created and ashamed of the way he's treated me. I've tried to talk to AH's dad because I know Ah needs support. They may not agree with him, but I hope that they can support him.
Whomever mentioned a 28 day rehab is not a "long term". I agree, but it's longer than what he's ever had before. I guess my fear is that I will trust in him again, when I don't WANT to trust him again. I will 100% support his recovery etc. I will be there at the family meetings or what not, but I just don't want to believe in him anymore. KWIM? I care about him, I will always care about him. I will always be there for him, I'll always "love him". But I'm not sure we've ever really had a healthy type of love.
But then there is the other side that says "you've weathered the storm THIS long . . . What if you miss out on the rainbow? I DON"T want to miss out on the rainbow, but I don't want to be taken out by another bolt of lightening yet again when I'm in my 1000th "calm after the storm". KWIM? Just a very confusing time for me. I'm GLAD he's going to rehab, but I know the stats aren't good for permanent recovery forever. (BTW does anyone have the actual stats when it's pain pill addiction? oxy, methadone, percocet, darvocet, vicoden etc??) The chance that he'll NEVER use again isn't high given the time that he's abused drugs (in reality 10+ years off and on). AH does not know how to function in this life without them - is he going to learn that in 28 days?? Maybe so, but I said the same thing exactly 3 years ago when he told me he was addicted to oxy and needed help. He got help only to get addicted to methadone, got clean and then back on oxy, percocet. So in reality I've been in 3+ years of turmoil and chaos that I didn't have to go through had I left when I thought I should. He lied to me about that use for that long and I believed him for the most part) I stayed because what kind of woman would leave her husband in this dire time of need???? So because of that I've been screwed over and over and over again. All because I believed him, saw the good in him, saw his heart and who he "wanted" to be.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
Callie,
I will tell you what my counselor said to me. If you file divorce and he gets better than great. Divorce doesn't have to mean you can never be together again. It means you are seperating yourself legally from all his legal messes. You learn to depend on yourself. My AH moved out 3 weeks ago and for the first 2 weeks it was refreshing to focus on myself and the kids. I said if he left this time I would not take him back. He risked our financial future and lied to me for years. He is not working hard enough and still making excuses. I still see him most days (because he is watching the boys) when he starts talking about stuff and I notice myself about to respond with emotion I shut off the conversation and I have even asked him to stop talking or leave it is no longer my problem. I just make sure that he is able to take care of my kids. I try not to ask any more questions. I will admit I am still curious. I just ask myself how will I feel if he gives me an answer I don't want to hear. If I will be upset then I think will I be better off not knowing. Do your best to remove yourself from his issues. You are not leaving him in need. You are taking care of yourself and your kids. He is a grown man that needs to take care of himself. We can no longer take care of them without sacrificing ourselves than we need to move on.
Good luck to you Callie!
I will tell you what my counselor said to me. If you file divorce and he gets better than great. Divorce doesn't have to mean you can never be together again. It means you are seperating yourself legally from all his legal messes. You learn to depend on yourself. My AH moved out 3 weeks ago and for the first 2 weeks it was refreshing to focus on myself and the kids. I said if he left this time I would not take him back. He risked our financial future and lied to me for years. He is not working hard enough and still making excuses. I still see him most days (because he is watching the boys) when he starts talking about stuff and I notice myself about to respond with emotion I shut off the conversation and I have even asked him to stop talking or leave it is no longer my problem. I just make sure that he is able to take care of my kids. I try not to ask any more questions. I will admit I am still curious. I just ask myself how will I feel if he gives me an answer I don't want to hear. If I will be upset then I think will I be better off not knowing. Do your best to remove yourself from his issues. You are not leaving him in need. You are taking care of yourself and your kids. He is a grown man that needs to take care of himself. We can no longer take care of them without sacrificing ourselves than we need to move on.
Good luck to you Callie!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Learned this from a great family counselor - if you really want to know what is going on in a family, ask the youngest child.
That's how it was in our family - when we were in the throes of active addiction. My youngest (maybe 5 or 6) knew more than we did about the comings and goings of the alcoholic brothers. He never said much, he was the "watcher" in our family - but he knew. And he was very afraid and confused. Didn't know why Mommy was acting like she was (moi, the sick Alanon).
I don't know how we would have survived without professional help - through family programs in rehabs (4 to be exact!), year long aftercare, and more family counseling than I want to think about. Plus almost daily Alanon meetings for years. But our family was really in trouble - all of us were just in bad shape from addiction - or living with it.
The good news is that some of us are still attending 12 step recovery programs, but all of us know about addiction and what it can do - and since the next generation of addicts is coming along (shake my family tree and the addicts fall out), I'm glad they know help is available. Healing is possible, there is always hope.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
P.S. And the youngest thought his brothers didn't like him any more, and was so relieved when he found out they were "sick".
That's how it was in our family - when we were in the throes of active addiction. My youngest (maybe 5 or 6) knew more than we did about the comings and goings of the alcoholic brothers. He never said much, he was the "watcher" in our family - but he knew. And he was very afraid and confused. Didn't know why Mommy was acting like she was (moi, the sick Alanon).
I don't know how we would have survived without professional help - through family programs in rehabs (4 to be exact!), year long aftercare, and more family counseling than I want to think about. Plus almost daily Alanon meetings for years. But our family was really in trouble - all of us were just in bad shape from addiction - or living with it.
The good news is that some of us are still attending 12 step recovery programs, but all of us know about addiction and what it can do - and since the next generation of addicts is coming along (shake my family tree and the addicts fall out), I'm glad they know help is available. Healing is possible, there is always hope.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
P.S. And the youngest thought his brothers didn't like him any more, and was so relieved when he found out they were "sick".
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Join Date: May 2008
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Thanks girls! It's good to know someone is praying for me/us. Thanks alot WIWN and AH. You have no idea what it means. My day was rotten - complete with a flat tire on my trailer 70 miles from home, but I dealt with the situation. Yea Me 
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(((Callie))) I think once we get finally get to a point where we have had it, we go with it because that is our gut working now. We have no guarantees with rehab, it is one of the things that scares me with my ad. I think you just have to take it day by day but looking out for yourself and getting a grip on things like you are doing. When in doubt do nothing. That is what time is all about for all of us. It gives us time to think about what we want to do not what we have to do.
I have to really agree about what they say above of what kids know. They seem to find things out one way or another. But it is your choice.
Sorry you had a rough day with the flat tire, like you really needed that!!!!
I think your moving right along in a positive mode and you can continue to do that and your ah can also. Time will speak to you on both counts. Hugs for you Callie!!
I have to really agree about what they say above of what kids know. They seem to find things out one way or another. But it is your choice.
Sorry you had a rough day with the flat tire, like you really needed that!!!!
I think your moving right along in a positive mode and you can continue to do that and your ah can also. Time will speak to you on both counts. Hugs for you Callie!!
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