RayRayRay

I just got off the phone with my newly ex SO. She claims I didn't give her a chance. Says I didn't tell how much I was affected by her drinking.

I know I told her.

I had a lot more spine this time when speaking to her than I have in a really long time. I expressed myself well. We thoroughly discussed our relationship and why it wasn't working. In the end we agreed to remain friends. I like that idea. She is a really great woman - just not as my girlfriend. And vice-versa. Anyway, I won't have much difficulty keeping our relationship as non-intimate.

As I hung up the phone, she says "I love you". I didn't respond. I just hung up. I want to say it back, as I do tell my close friends that I love them. But if I say it now, she'll get the wrong idea, right?

What are the chances that this "friendship" is just a way to manipulate me? Am I wrong to trust that she will just settle as friends? I told her that I don't want to see her f2f for a while yet. I added that I needed time to adjust. I don't want to fall into that old routine.

Am I setting myself up for a fall? I feel quite secure in what I've done and how I'm handling this, yet I have that little voice (like the one that tells me one drink won't hurt) telling me that this is all wrong.....

Feedback, anyone?

deezaldog

We alcoholics are great manipulators. If she is still active then it is a high possibility this is what she is doing. From my past experience as an alcoholic a face2face would be a way to clutch on again. It could be bad for her and you. You need time so take it. She may not see it now that it is for the best for both of you. She may not be thinking clearly. From what you wrote you told her how she affected you by drinking and she doesnt remember and didnot give her a chance. She doesnt remember or doesnt accept her problem. I am an alcoholic and that does not sound good. You know you are doing the right thing then stick to it.

coyote21

Hi Ray

Haven't posted in 2 years, can't shut up now. When my head finally stopped spinning enough to actually hear that little voice it never failed me. It's there for a reason. It's my higher power showing me the way.

God Bless us all,
Coyote:ghug

Barbara52

I've never been able to go from a full, intimate GF/BF relationship to a friendship right after a breakup and none of those past breakups involved alcoholism and codependency. It may be possible but boy would that be extrememly difficult. I can see friendship after X period of time perhaps but not while I was healing from all the damage and while I was trying to get a good start on my own recovery.

Ray, I hate to say it but it's probably yet another form of manipulation. Neither of you is ready to form a friendship with each other after what you have described going on.

justjo

If that little voice is telling you it is all wrong!! IT IS! Believe and listen to yourself. AFter all, we're the only ones we can trust hey?

Rainbowsend

You know the answer don't you, that's why you have that little voice, it looks after us more than we often do ourselves. Take care.

freya

AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

Sorry to have to say this but an active A is no more able to be anyone's true friend than to be anyone's true lover/partner.......all of those relationships require that both/all of the people involved be able to care about themselves and others in a healthy, balanced way. Ultimately, an active A cares first and foremost about the object of his/her addiction and he/she will sacrifice anything and anybody to protect and further that addiction...and, when the addiction has advanced far enough, he/she will care only about the object of addiction.....to me that doesn't sound like a real strong basis for a friendship.

freya

Rainbowsend

That's a familiar line, I left mine a couple of times (and went back) and had this said each time. How many chances do they need, 5, 10, 700. Unfortunately no matter how many chances you give them it will never be enough.

I loved this too but can't take the credit for it "Alcoholics don't make friends, they take hostages" This really hit home for me.

sunflowerintx

I highly suggest 60 days of no contact whatsoever. At that point (when the fog has cleared) you can determine how you want to proceed.

Good luck!

Wandererr

Hey Ray, I know what you're going through! My AH claims I never gave him a chance and seemed blindsided whenever I would talk about how his alcohol affected me. I agree with what Barbara52 said - it does seem like yet another form of manipulation...It seems easier when you both agree to remain friends after a breakup but I'm not sure if it's easier in the long run. It may be best to cut ties with her altogether...at least for awhile, as sunflowerintx said. Good luck to you